Hello Nexians,

I have been holding off writing an introduction here, for some kind of fear of rejection, I think. I do that sometimes, until I realize I'm doing it, then I stop. So here I am.

Who am I? Or rather, which labels do I put on myself in an effort to describe my existence in the real world?

I'm a soon-to-be 30 year old male, I live in Sweden and study law. That takes up a relatively large portion of my life at the moment. I'm a psychonaut by choice and, I believe, out of necessity. I have a rather unhealthy appetite for drugs in general, and trying to stay on an even keel takes up much of my emotional capacity. I honestly believe drugs saved my life in the short run, I would not be here today had I not found the release that certain drugs gave me, back when I was still a young boy.

But my appetite for drugs also led my to a path of utter despair. That despair is to a large extent in my past, but I have in some ways accepted that it's never really that far away, and it will be the end of me one day. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm a junkie, whether I'm on or off drugs, I will always be a junkie. I need the quick fix solution, because I've never found a sustainable solution to my problems.

(Oh, why'd I write that? That's not a good presentation, that sounds awful.)

But that's me.

I'm also a very cheerful guy! I almost always smile and I feel the best when I make other people laugh. I can joke about anything, and apparently you really need to know me to know whether I'm joking or not. I guess I'm in some ways overcompensating because I can't let the sorrow shine through, because there's no solution. And it ruins my day when other people can tell that is my point of view. I don't need anyone's pity.

I casually joke about myself having "truthful tourrettes". I often feel that I want to convey my thoughts and explain where I'm coming from, and most of the time that's from places that are not really "normal", compared to my peers. But I feel no shame at all, I can't afford to, it would mean being ashamed of what I am. Being ashamed of what I am is not compatible with loving myself, and it took me many years to accept that I am worthy of my own love, no one can take that away from me, I will cling to it till the day I die, and past that, I hope.

My childhood messed me up. Big time. But it also made me the man I am today, the man that picked up the pieces, got cleaned up and straightened out, managed to work full-time while getting my long overdue high-school diploma. Decided that there are some places where my experience could be valuable to society, where my sense of morals could be of use. So I chose to study Law. I'm not the average law student, by any means. But I'm competent enough that most people see past the oddness. And I am a rather likable guy, I'm happy to admit.

I rather like what my life has done to me. When the going gets weird, the weird go pro, or something like that. When everything around me today is really pushing me to the limits of what I can do, it's really not that bad. I feel like I've seen it all, I'm already dead, it's just that no one else knows it but me. So when things in life get tough, it's still just life, it's no worse than dying, and I'm not afraid of anything anymore.

(Well, this is certainly not the introduction I was planning on writing.)

I'm going to let this be my introduction.

Oh, funny side-note, moments before I started writing this, I had a breakthrough with my first batch of changa, and I realized why all the talk about integration is important. That's what made writing this introduction important, right now.

Great place you've got here, I hope I can contribute to the important work you do, and to the pleasant atmosphere you're so rightfully protective of.

All love,

Lucullus

loved the introduction! Good job and welcome to the Nexus!

Thank you!

Great introduction.

Welcome

Welcome, you can always write that other version too
But this one served well enough imo, the honesty...

Concerning addictions I recognize that it is never gone, just let the best suited one win, and I've found my addictions to be pretty good losers in that game. Still have some, but the new versions are allowing me with less of emotional/physical burden.

Let the first addiction free person rise.
BTW how does that look an addiction free person? Addicted to being addiction-free?
So I feel of them as axes or knives, wield them well get rewarded, wield naive and harvest hurt. Indication of a true asset.
2 cents

Yes, I'm most certainly stuck to the floor.

You're in good company. I think a lot of in here struggle with our various demons, just like everyone else, it's just that a lot of folks here aren't giving in to them as easily.
Or something.

Welcome, great intro, btw. In fact, I was going to upvote you, but it's been done.

Thank you Tattvamasi!

Thank you! Perhaps I will one day, otherwise you'll get to know me better in the forums anyway!

Sound like good advice. I've found that this interest for DMT could have quite a positive impact on me. The extraction requires discipline and delicate care, which I'm not used to be able to find the motivation to muster, and the process I'm going through trying to learn how to smoke it "right" [...]

(From lightbulb and Bic-lighter --> "crack pipe" --> sandwhiched in bong --> "The Machine" --> Classic VG with $40 torch lighter --> to just this past week, Changa in a bong)

[...] has also taught me a lot (calm assertive patience, to name one thing). And the experience itself seems to want to push me in a positive direction overall, making me more conscious about my surroundings and my overall attitude towards how I do things in general in my daily life.

I'm not sure I've ever experienced something like this. This is my deepest personal interest and hobby - psychedelics - and suddenly that sincere interest is helping me shape my life in ways I had almost given up on. The amount of time I've put into different "drugs", and to think I'd actually find something like this. I'm almost afraid to say it, but it feels like this is something that could make a lasting difference in my life.

Thank you for your post!


Glad to hear I'm in good company!

That sounds right to me, I have gotten such good vibes from this forum and the whole site, from lurking around trying to figure out this mystery on my own.

Thank you! I feel truly welcome, and sincerely happy for all the upvotes (actual and intended)!

Welcome !

Thanks Yumi!

Welcome.

Sweden, eh? Quite the place to be a psychonaut

Thank you.

Yeah, quite the place to be anything, I'd say.