From early in my childhood, I was often criticized by my parents. While they care about me very much, expectations were always exceedingly high. I am often reminded by my father of how after I was born, he cradled me in his arms and said that "this kid is going to change the world." I have various mottos from my childhood about how the only thing we can do in the face of adversity is try as hard as we can at everything and repeat day after day.

After some long discussions with my partner and some self reflection, I have discovered that I have a lot of resulting anxiety and even depression from constant self criticism and trying to be perfect/the best I can be. This anxiety has found its way into many of my trips as well. I am unable to vape weed anymore without becoming paranoid and anxious about my life and that I am not doing good enough. My DMT trips, ones that used to be exciting and mysterious and wonderful, now just just involve tons of entities rushing and insulting me. They attack and insult my humanity, manhood, work ethic, and general sense of well-being, and I feel like this stems from my conscious and subconscious feelings on these resulting from my self criticism.

I am quite tired of my default process of self criticism and its resulting anxiety. While I have become a "successful" person in my opinion, I truthfully believe that I can do the things I want and work hard without having to beat myself up with negative motivations. How can I combat this incessant self criticism? Have you experienced anything similar, and if so, what did you do about it?

Have you ever read any of ekhart tolle's books? They help.

Here's the power of now audiobook

https://youtu.be/1hb9eIZpwzE

Accept that you have thoughts of self criticism. Look at your thoughts as they come up and assign a tone and character to the thoughts. Who is speaking? Are you berating yourself? Or is this past memories of your parents speaking in your mind? The people who are closest to you become a voice in your mind. They speak to you from inside you but they do not belong to you. You must discern who is speaking. Separate your thoughts into characters. Go and be with the characters that build you up. Those voices that offer encouragement and positivity. The voices that bring negative emotions are ones that need the love the most. Look at the voices with a loving smile and know that they are just playing their roles in your life and your development. Don't take it all too serious. Laugh at yourself a little. Treat yourself with a gentleness you deserve.

Ann shulgin did therapy work with MDMA involving these exact issues!

Though I don't think it's enough to simply take MDMA, there needs to be set intention on healing, maybe have a close friend play the role of Ann shulgin in the endeavor...

http://www.lycaeum.org/~maverick/shulgin.htm
Ann discusses some of it in this link...

Part of it was going into your inner space and confronting the monster you fear you are, then becoming the monster and looking through its eyes...it's been a long time so I can't remember what exactly it was all about, but I do recall it could help people with similar issues as yourself...




Maybe there are issues which you are refusing to face, and these issues are manifesting themselves as malevolent entities in your psychedelic experiences, in a way forcing you to confront these issues which you are hiding from or refuse to confront...

Buddhism is amazing...most suffering is self inflicted, and a simple alteration in perspective can make all the difference, I'm not suggesting buddhism as a spiritual practice, I'm suggesting you examine it with the question "why am I so unhappy" in mind, I'm sure you will find answers.

...are you able to identify a potential source of your self criticism?

Unless you really are a terrible person I'm sure this self-criticism is unjustified, and can be worked through.

-eg

Why do you criticize yourself? What is your psychological motive?

From personal experience with what you're seeking advice on, two things were, at least in regards to my own psychology, definite factors.

1)There is something in you that you feel is worthy of criticism. Find what it is, and why it isn’t. Psychedelics, even if it's through "bad" trips, will help you do this. You will have to learn to accept and be at peace with the fact that you cannot be a flawless individual, a genius or whatever it is that your parents made you feel you needed to be.

2) Self-victimization is also at play. The fact that you cannot jump over the bar you've set for yourself is no reason to become complacent with any kind of self-loathing attitude, and certainly not to use it as an excuse to become more an more the opposite of the person that could jump that bar.

I may be totally wrong in my analysis, tell me off if I am Otherwise, let's talk?

Hey RAM,

I've struggled with pretty similar anxiety, self-doubt issues. Perhaps not stemming from the same place, but I think I understand what you're going through.

Some suggestions that have helped me, in no particular order:

As others mentioned: self-forgiveness and acceptance. Easier said than done. But really, try to be easy on your self and realize it is genuinely OK to be YOU with all your perfections/imperfections. I remember having an intense bout of anxiety studying during college, doubting my perseverance/intelligence/success, and I found myself writing on my paper "Its OK to be you", to center my thoughts.

The Buddhist approach really is invaluable in terms of seeing where your thoughts emerge from and what 'character' is saying it. And also scrutinizing negative thoughts and asking yourself if they're realistic, or whether you would hold everyone else to those expectations can help balance oneself.

Sometimes it can be hard to 'think' one's way out of a cloud of negative thoughts, thus, I feel that analysis of one's thoughts is only one component, and a sufficient platform of self-love/forgiveness is also pretty necessary.

Also, sometimes it helps to take off our hyperspace suits and be human for a bit. I feel like upon using psychedelics, many embark on a journey of self-improvement, asceticism, chipping away at egoic-constructs and all these great things, and it can be hard to be 'easy' on yourself knowing that you've experienced ego-loss/universe singularity points and all the crazy jazz we see. Or there's this sense sometimes for me that "I should know better, or an ideal/actualized person ought to do this". But sometimes, you gotta just let it go, don your monkey suit, make some average mistakes, and not kill yourself over it.

Also, realizing that a great portion of society wanders around with their own share of neuroses, anxieties, and issues, can help one feel less estranged.

I think the MDMA suggestion is a good one.

Finally, exercise, eating well, sleeping well and a good book can go a long way in terms of quelling restlessness, ennui and other recipes for depression.

Sorry about long ramble. Hope this helped. You're not the only one going through it

Thanks for the replies, everyone. I am going to investigate The Power of Now soon and answer the questions posed throughout the thread below.



It's funny you recommended I ask "why am I so unhappy," because I made a thread with nearly that exact title earlier this year: https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=69057

Clearly this is something I have been having trouble with for some time. I like that thread a lot as I think many people struggle with unhappiness from different sources. In a way, I think happiness is what we are all pursuing in our own ways. I think most of our trials are with the goal of happiness in mind, even if we consciously know that some activities will not yield happiness, there is often the illusion they will.

I believe my self criticism is one of these illusions. I hold myself to very high standards with this idea that I can be happy if I just follow all the steps that have been laid out to me and that I have laid out for myself. This isn't exactly an easy mindset to break, however, even if it is conscious.



My career choice is a constant source of criticism, for example. My father expects me to make a ridiculous amount of money throughout my career, and I simply cannot imagine a life for myself that is not at least in the 1% of US earners. This probably makes me look bad, but I am in a constant state of insecurity that I will not be able to live well if I do not make a certain amount of money.

Whenever I get high now, I always feel guilty for having done so and criticize myself for wanting to take a break and expand my mind. My psychedelic adventures really started with me using cactus powder to try to have mathematical insights that would allow me to become smarter and eventually make even more money. Of course I have discovered so much more with these substances, but there is always a tone of trying to improve myself.

This has become true with meditation even. As I do it to "improve myself" and not to actually take a break, I get a little anxious before I meditate, almost like it is a task that I "have" to do. It's the same with psychedelics.

As for your question, it appears that the values and objectives implanted in me by my parents are causing my to berate myself.



Thanks for the description of factors, PH0. The money/career example above is one thing I criticize myself for. Another good example is being nice and friendly to people. I am already considered to be a very nice person, according to my partner, friends, and family. I enjoy talking to less fortunate people on the streets and giving them money, food, and clothes in the winter. But regardless of how good I am to people, I will criticize myself while high for not being a nice enough person.

Once, during a DMT experience, I was able to calm myself down by telling myself that I am one who always listens to people's problems and tries to help them. But usually I will beat myself up about not being a good enough partner, friend, or member of society. I have very high expectations of helping the world set by both my parents and myself which contribute to this.

So, I suppose my "psychological motive" is to simply be a (subjectively) better person by many standards that have been set for me.



Awesome advice! As for the last sentence, I don't think it applies to my specific situation. I do not compare myself to other people and my problem largely lies in beating myself up over being the best possible person I can be without regard to what other people do. I have already accepted that I am different from many others in my society in many respects; the personal anxiety is what I am trying to quash.

The deeper you go into the rabbithole of quantities, functions, and geometries - the less you can bring back with you sans learning the specific language that describes what you see. There is a loophole though. You are being given gifts of inspiration, not fiduciary extraction. So put down the thoughts of deep math yielding efficient algorithms, and take up a paint brush for paintbrushes sake. Pencils, pianos anything will do. Give the thoughts that critique you what they need, expression. You're hogging all the time.
Trust me, they chill out eventually.
You don't have to go all Picasso or Poe either. Art has its place in every moment.

There's nothing wrong with self criticism. It means you are striving to better yourself. But the idea of perfection is an illusion. Nothing is perfect and never will be perfect. That's just the nature of things. There is order in disorder. Acceptance is better than endlessly attempting the futile. Which is not to say that one shouldn't better themselves. You just gotta be realistic.

Just a side question @RAM, are you OCD about certain things? Are you a clean freak or a germophobe?

I'd venture to guess that what you have, above all else, is a troubled relationship with yourself. So, perhaps the very simplest solution is rebuilding a positive relationship with you, from which the self criticism will re-emerge as the useful tool it is supposed to be.

I think that trying to eliminate the self criticism would be the wrong approach: rather, view it as a rare gift. You need only re-become a good partner for yourself, no doubt your self critism has made you an exceptional one to others.

Being a severely self critical person myslef, I've often found it flawlessly useful to turn the criticism on itself. "Stop being a damn fool, love yourself! Others love you, you are just purely lovable. So wake up, you're too smart to not see it"

Funny you ask, I have struggled with OCD for a very long time. When I was a child, it was largely an irrational form of germaphobia, but fortunately I have gotten over that. I had also struggled with intrusive thoughts for a while (obsessions), but by reducing the amount of plastics in my household and meditating daily I have greatly reduced the frequency and severity of those too.

I still like to organize and clean things, but I am much more rational about it now. To an outside perspective, I am just a very organized person.

And PH0, I see what you mean about criticizing myself about being self critical. While that is my default, I agree that it is not the healthiest way to solve the problem. Last night I realized some more difficulties in solving this problem. To outsiders, it may look like I am complaining that my parents taught me to make a lot of money and be an exceptionally healthy person. I am sure many wish their parents had instilled similar values in them.

But the issue is how exactly they do it and how their methods, intended or not, have manifested themselves negatively in my psyche. Mediating self acceptance and being the best you can be is a difficult process, and some people lean more toward one end of the spectrum. When you lean too far one way, it's good to have ways to resolve the negative feelings that arise.

Thanks again to everyone for the advice and thoughts.