PRE-CONDITIONS(mind)Set: Calm and relaxed
(physical condition) Set: Fine
Setting (location): Home
time of day: 9pm, 8am, 11am and 8pm, clear
recent drug use: None.
last meal: 6pm, roast chicken, potatoes, carrots and peas
PARTICIPANTGender: Male
body weight: 65kg
known sensitivities: N/A
history of use: Moderate, seventh time
BIOASSAYSubstance(s): Caapi vine, Chacruna leaf, honey and milk
Dose(s): 100g, 50g, 5 tablespoons and a litre of milk
Method of administration: mixed brew
EFFECTSAdministration time:
T = 0:00 ~ Quarter of Caapi-only brew
T = 12:00 ~ Quarter of mixed Caapi-Chacruna brew
T = 15:00 ~ Another quarter of mixed brew
T = 24:00 ~ Two quarters of the mixed brew
Duration: 3 hours for the first three, 6 hours for the last
First effects: T = 0:15
Peak:
T = 1:00 - 3:00
T = 13:50 - 15:00
Come down: T = 28:00
Baseline: T = 30:00
Intensity (overall): 4
OPTIONALPleasantness: 3
Implesantness: 4
Visual Intensity: 3
AFTER-EFFECTSHangover: 2 ~ mild depression ~ 2 hours
Afterglow: 4 ~ very energetic ~ 3 hours
REPORTI couldn't have imagined a more creative way for Mother Ayahuasca and my spirit guides to make me look at aspects of myself that horrify and disturb me to the maximum... but I'm all the better off for experiencing it, despite thinking, for a while, that I had truly and utterly lost my goddamned mind, believing myself to be one hundred percent certifiably insane! But, it was merely my Shadow, again. How delightful, urgh...
To start of with, I drank a quarter of the Caapi-only brew I had exhaustively extracted after blending it to dust, then mixed the rest with the Chacruna brew, which I blended in acidified water, to a sludgy mess, left to soak for a while, and then boiled vigorously. The end result tasted amazingly strong, to the point that I wasn't sure I my tastebuds could even handle any more.
The first night, I only drank the quarter Caapi brew, because I was far, far too stoned to move at all. The imagery, though, was very fast-paced, changing rapidly over tenths of a second. I could feel my tiger spirit guide, but she just remained silent, implying I should just enjoy the ride. I purged very hard, a number of times, even spilling some on the carpet from the force of it. One scene had two figures attempting to pry open my head, but my tiger spirit sliced them in two with her claws, roaring angrily, telling me I was lucky she was nearby. Eventually, after a while, I found myself in a garden, almost reminscent of the Lothlórien scenes from the Lord of the Rings movies, with a female figure wearing a dress, who almost looked like Galadriel from the movie, except without the headband. I asked her if she was Mother Ayahuasca, and she said yes. My tiger spirit was there with me, just silently padding around, while I listened to Mother Ayahuasca said, though I forget what it was. Mother Ayahuasca did gently prod me a number of times to drink more, but eventually told me that it was okay not too, if I couldn't, and just get some sleep. I don't remember much more from this segment of the journey, though. Exhausted, I collapsed into sleep.
The next day, I got up early, browsed online for a bit, then put on some icaros and had my grounding stones with me in a pouch. Softly, in the background, Mother Ayahuasca whispered that I wouldn't need my grounding stones, to set them aside, and to also turn off the icaros, as they would just be a distraction from the experience this time. I drank the tastebud-killing brew, and ended up purging more emotions again, but my memory is quite vague on what else happened.
I waited for a short while, Mother Ayahuasca telling me to have a break and drink some water. I went outside on my balcony and observed nature for a little while, then went back in when she prodded me again to drink again. Things went smoothly for a while, until, out of nowhere, to my utter confusion, I was nastily told I had violated some spiritual law, and so was banned permanently from any and all spiritual experiences, and that my spirit guides and Ayahuasca had completely abandoned me. I cried out mentally what I had done wrong, with derision and sneering responses being all I got. Then, from nowhere, a presense took over my mind completely, dominating me completely, possessing me, exploding with horrifying and insane utterly psychotic laughter. I struggled, futily, with the voice cackling that it was no use whatsoever to resist. During this terrifying struggle, with my body and eyes swinging around equally psychotically, I believed I had truly and completely gone clinically insane, with no hope for recovery at all.
After a while of this, a small voice in the back of my mind told me to "push back", "resist". I did so, pushing out with my hands, with what little willpower I had. Then, it failed, and the presence possessed me again... again and again, I cycled through this. Eventually, in the back of my mind, even with derision and total anger, beneath those (mock) emotions, my tiger spirit pleaded for me to see the lesson being presented to me, to see what was really happening. Eventually, I overcame it, or the energy burnt out, or something, and my tiger spirit bounded up to me, and proclaimed I had never been abandoned or violated any "spiritual law", but rather, the whole setup had been a ploy to make me face my deeply repressed emotions. So... the maniac presense was my Shadow, again...? Yes, the tiger spirit replied. It was the only was to integrate it. It was really my own energy I was releasing, partially left over from my past life. I had vaguely suspected I had something left over from my past life, but couldn't pin down why or what it was... now I know. I was then lectured about Self-Love and Courage and taming my ego. Then the tiger restored my depleted energy with its own. Then, shortly after, I was told to wait for a few hours until the next ceremony. I asked what would happen... and got the clipped reply that it would be a surprise.
So came the night... I had a small dinner, Mother Ayahuasca quietly telling me it would be okay to do so. After a while, I drank again, and went through the familiar sensation of feeling like decaying mud, Mother Ayahuasca working on my body. After that... I weirdly have no recall of what happened, except that I remember that I went quite insane, more deeply than before and silently. I was Insanity, Insanity was I... yet, I was... me. Not me, yet me. So weird...
Eventually, it blew over, and, last time, it been the tiger, and now my crow spirit guide manifested itself through my mind's eye as my perspective and mind became curiously crow-like. I became something of a puppetmaster over my thoughts, categorising them in odd fashions, hypnotically.
The next morning, I woke up feeling extraordinarily exhausted and mildly depressed and anxious. I knew why: my ego had been blown apart, shattered, and so, it was still being pieced back together. Eventually, I felt fine... better than I had before, calmer, more focused, able to visualize and imagine more clearly. I have more energy, I felt mildly... tiger-like, for a short while. A very strange feeling. I don't even know how to articulate it. I was my spirit guide and she was me... yet, different. Ah, I give up, I'm never going to find the words right now. Maybe after I've considered it for a while.
Anyways, many thanks for reading!
“The dao that can be expressed is not the eternal Dao.”
~ Lǎozǐ
“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
~ Carl Jung