Hi everyone,

I've been reading on the nexus since 2012, doing plenty of research without ever actually Trying DMT, out of fear. Yes! That's right! Fear. I haven't always had this fear.

In December of 2013 i had a pretty bad mushroom experience. I lived, died, and came back to life again. I had never had a mushroom experience quite as intense because the previous times i took mushrooms, i was on SSRI's which we all know heavily diminish the effects of these mushrooms.

Ever since this mushroom experience i have been 100% sober. I came out of the mushroom trip with.. a dissociated feeling towards life and a general anxiety. This dissociation, that i can only describe as the "derealization" one can read about on wikipedia, absolutely sucks the meaning out of life. It sucks my ability to be in the moment, and prevents me from enjoying life like I once did. I often look back on my life, as if before this lasting dissociation hit i was actually alive, and now i'm just going through the motions, like a zombie.. I still laugh, dance, and am quite the character as people say..but i don't feel alive, per say. And maybe i do extreme things just to feel something (I do pretty extreme mountaineering trips, including ice picking up 13,000' mountains, backpacking hundreds of miles, and currently planning a motorbike trip across Asia)

Anyways, I can say however that this dissociation has given me sort of an insight into the nature of the universe, i'm more aware of.. the process, and the patterns I see, sort of as if i see that the world works on this one algorithm. And it could be anything, from how cities work, how people speak, the process their mind goes through to perform an action, to that plant growing in between the cracks of the concrete. I find that i am incredibly intuitive, and sometimes even psychic but that is a story for another time, haha

At the same time, I find myself depressed. I took antidepressants for many many years, at first to stop my horrid depression, and then it became something i did in hopes to get rid of my derealization. It's been three years, and i told myself that it would go away on it's own. It hasn't. I feel stale, almost as if there is nothing new left for me to explore in my life, like i'm done. Does that make sense? I'm young, and have so much left for me, and incredible potential. I want to go back to feeling the zest of life.

I'm now looking to try DMT for the first time. I am scared yes, because in my mind psychedelics caused such a state of derealization, why would I want to try another psychedelic, especially one with the molecular structure so close to mushrooms?

I am at a crossroads. And to me, this could be what saves my life. I have heard of people using DMT to cure depression, anxiety, and find new life in... well, life. I want to have an experience that can connect me with my higher self, to be in the presence and love of the universe face to face, to speak with it, for it to give me insight on myself, because sometimes i feel lost.

I was planning to take a breakthrough dose my first time, with a loved one, in a completely remote area. Cities give me anxiety, being in all of this hustle and bustle of society makes me uneasy. I never feel the amount of peace and stillness as i do when i'm in a remote area, surrounded by nature and all it's glory.

What do you guys think? Any tips for me?

Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains

Maybe Terence McKenna is over quoted in the nexus but I don't care. The guy has covered the topic so well.

“Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it's a feather bed.”
~Terence McKenna

You already have shown the courage to suffer through depression. You are stronger than you realize.

I would not look at DMT as a fix all. You can make a choice to start seeing the world through a different filter or perspective any time you choose. Will you fall back into old, familiar thought patterns? Sure. Just have to persevere. Keep on keepin on!

I wish you the best of luck in your healing process!

hey

i know exactly what you are talking about, i am living the same state of permanent depersonalization and derealization and as you said i do everything normally am i go crazy but i just don't feel any of it though i am just flowing and not forcing anything on myself, i don't understand what a day is or a month or a year i don't feel time whatever happens through the day it's the same as if nothing has happened, my feeling of existence and my own existence have changed and fading away slowly...

i mostly blame harmalas for this, it opened this in my mind after i had it i noticed that i felt it since long ago before taking any psychedelics but in very short episodes but harmalas made it permanent though it's something that i truly asked for from my heart, i was dealing with a lot of change and emotional pain and i wished to reach a point where i live "accepting what is coming forgetting all that passed" and it happened faster than what i expected i was sober walking and it hit me in a second the world turned and all my feelings of existence changed ...

i learned a lot from this i believe that life is actually like this and almost all feelings of being alive that normal people feel are fake, there's a fake feeling of being alive induced by everything and to me now life is not something outside that you live or flow in and feel, life must be a feeling inside me life must spring from inside me... so instead of waiting to feel alive again because i know it's impossible to be like before i have simply changed, i am trying to erupt that spring of life inside me

as i try to accept and live this state more by not resisting it or being annoyed by it i sink deeper and deeper in it
i do feel like you do, i see it that when we came into life we had some life points to live by and i consumed all of them but you can refill them a bit by just being a good person

i have really learned a lot and changed a lot but it's impossible to talk about especially that people cannot see or understand that i have changed to the point that it's hard for me to relate to my memories...

and as they mention on the wikipedia, it is caused by high levels of anxiety and it's hidden inside you now so be honest with yourself and discover what it is inside you that makes you anxious and face it, i was trying to accept some facts that i was feeling and i got over them by telling myself that i should accept them just to be with someone and what actually happened is all the anxiety i had from it was buried in me and blocked my mind from functioning normally, and now when the facts got revealed and my feeling were true i felt so much relief and my sense of life regenerated a bit..

on top of all that i literally feel eternal "we drank haoma and became eternal" i don't feel there is death or an abrupt end of everything and it's scary when death becomes not scary because you know there's nothing that will come and take you out of this out of suffering... i believe there is a timeless and endless plain where one would just dissolve peacefully and never be back to life and that place you go to it by yourself by your "free" will nothing must push you there, like if you feel tired of life then life is pushing you and you have to be free of that, it's like you have to get to that plain first by yourself, live its state, then you rest in it eternally... i am hopefully going there, it what i want to just rest...

dmt i believe it can help to make you feel alive again but at the end with the help of dmt or not you have to analyse and understand this state it's what you got and if you really want to you will find your way out of it

i really understand and feel with you and i know how hard it is..
i hope for you from all my heart to resolve what you have
<3

well, anyway......since 2012? Then, it seems it is your calling......

Figured for anyone's unending interest, I have learned to love this life that I live, and it's funny to look at my post from over a year ago and imagine how different I feel. Anxiety exists, but so does love, laughter, and courage. I've become very enthused about the future and work hard everyday toward my goals, hobbies, and ideas. Thanks to you guys for sharing your thoughts with me during that time! I am a beam of light now!

Good luck to you, friend!

Your my boy blue!
Hahaha i loved your title mate

On a real note, derealization is a horrid fealing. Shrooms (pardon my language) can really fuck you up mentally as so many here can tell you. You gotta do what you gotta do to get back to your reality and when it comes down to it only you know whats best for you. There is no instant gratification solution. Life will never be exactly the same as it was before and i wont lie to you and say it will. But that dosnt mean that it cant be better than it was before and definitely better than it is now.

I wish you luck with finding your inner-self but dont get discouraged if it dosnt happen right away.