I am really happy with the way my life has been going, and some for myself important personal developments I have achieved in the last few years. I feel like I basically could be completely care free and happy, if there wouldn't be this one topic..
It revolves around love and its corruptions...

When I was younger I was very shy, especially when it came to talking to girls, and I still am to some extent, even though not comparable to my teens. I am now in my twenties and basically I have become a very sociable person integrated in a quite large circle of friends, and I also have been doing some traveling meeting countless people. How ever when it comes to certain things the shy little kid still remained.

I had a few intimate relationships, and even if the longest one was over a year, I never had a proper girlfriend. This fact alone already feels somehow like an error in my life, I cant help it, probably culturally biased but yeah...

So now I am in a phase of my life where I just am missing some one to share those special moments with and I dont really know what to do about it. That one thing seems to slip my grip constantly... I have started to feel really lonely in that respect(even though I have a lot of wonderful friends), and my desire for a physically intimate relationship is present with me every day.
And I am not even one of those guys with an unsatisfactory sex-drive, but physical contact and the feeling of being loved and needed definitely is a basic need for me.
The longer the last “relationship” fades away, the more of a fix idea in my had it becomes, how wonderful it would be to have some one(actually its more like its coming in waves), and its really frustrating, because well while basically everything else I can have, that happens to be a thing which yeah like I said, seems to slip my grip...

So maybe someones wondering why I am not just getting into a relationship?
And the answer is I really dont know.
I have been asked many times the question “So why you dont have a girlfriend?”. It didnt seem understandable to them, as apparently I seemed like a “quite an okay-guy” to them.
And I am left clue less why its not working out for me? Its like a spell that is preventing me from becoming happy in that case.

The few girls I met in the last years I had deeper feelings for, either I messed up, or didnt even get to try, because our life paths only crossed for a short amount of time.
And in daily life, I dont know... Its just not happening..

So at the moment I am a student in a big city, and it has evolved to the point that virtually all of my friends except one or two now are in a relationship, which actually makes the whole thing worse, because I feel like I am stuck in a phase, they have passed and I am not playing that stupid game anymore, ie go-out, get drunk, try to get laid. It just doesnt make sense at all.
And one other more unhealthy appearing trait is coming up, where I start to get a real aversion against couples and dont feel comfortable around them anymore, in this case most of my friends when they are with their loved ones.

So I am aware that in the end I probably shouldnt make my happiness dependent on others, but this is such an elementary thing, and my emotions concerning it go from anger to sadness, and I feel, the only way for me to move through that phase is to experience it properly... If that makes any sense.

Also I feel like I am moving forward so fast in life in many aspects with countless possibilities opening up all the time, but this topic is on hiatius-

Just had to get that out, and am happy for any Input or what ever...

Thanks to the people who read this.


woogy

Certainly know how that goes. One piece of advice I can give, is that you attract the one you love doing what you love. Continue to work on yourself and develop whatever your passions may be. Once you put yourself in a thriving vibration, you will inevitably attract those that are in a similar vibration. The more authentic and true to yourself that you are, the better of a person you will attract.
Focus on you. Your health, your mind, your spiritual development (if you're into it), and eventually that love will be reflected back to you.

Also, try to tame your resistance and resentment towards seeing others in relationships, that resistance will repel what you're seeking.

You know this but I'll say it again: do not glorify too much what others seem to have, you might be surprised. A lot of make believe is about. There's doubts and tensions and pains covered up and thus not seen by outsiders, even between partners.

A lot of thrill has a back side waiting. People are specialized in hiding/denial. Love ought to be beautiful (it is!), but there's also a load of sh*t to go trough. Your "drive" makes you blind, its it purpose, it is the way it goes. Love, this drug, this story, drags us by the hairs trough life. Exuberant beautiful and source for terror same time. What has been done in the name of it?

Dynamite, TNT, emotional nuclear bomb. Not only kisses and hugs, sex, which it is too.
It takes a while to learn to steer a Ferrari, some crashes are needed, some manage as wonderful pilots, others keep eating gutter dust. I wish you well with the inevitable.


BTW, just my ideas.