Thank you for having me be part of this group.

In 2013 I experienced the most profound experience I had ever experienced....I was broken, my 2nd marriage had tanked, I was lonely, depressed and I didn't really feel like living anymore. I had been taking a pharmaceutical antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication for almost a decade, and while they kept my panic attacks and OCD in check, I still never really felt joy and peace. I came to the realisation that I was never going find what I was looking for in life, and that I would never, ever, find peace and be happy.

What happened next I cannot fully put into words, but in one second it all "shifted". I saw that I was connected to everyone & every thing. I was not religious, nor did I believe in any God, but at once I started to see truth in all religions. I felt so much love that I just wept. I saw that Love had been inside me all along, and yet it was my opinions, fears & judgements about things that had kept me from realizing it. I knew that my life would never be the same again.

For about 5 days I stayed in this state, marvelling at stars, blades of grass, even dust, as I realised that I was all of it and that all of it was me. Most of the people in my life that I attempted to communicate this new found discovery thought that I had lost my mind. After about 5 days the experience left and I felt much more "separate" again...I was devastated that it had gone, because now I knew how things really looked, yet I felt trapped back in my separate state of awareness again. The more I tried to make it come back, the further it seemed to go from me. It was only when I let go completely that I found glimpses of it again. Since that time I have thrown myself into mediation, yoga, chanting, silent retreats, 12 step groups, isolation tanks....and while all these things do help, I recently come across an interesting article regarding the use of ayahuasca and other psychedelics in putting oneself in touch with that "Oneness" realm of perception.

I came off my pharmaceutical medication three months ago & since then I have felt more anxiety and depression than ever. I still know on some level that I am One with the universe, but feel a lot of apathy. I find my body going into fight or flight over the slightest trigger, often taking hours (or even days) to calm back down.

So (and thank you if you managed to read this far), the reason I joined this group is because I want to try and find something that I can use as medicine, as a tool, either daily, weekly or monthly, that can help me maintain that Oneness connectedness & awareness, while also helping alleviate the anxiety and depression.

I am not seeking to feel high. I am not seeking to escape into oblivion. I don't want to feel all hyped up, nor all sedated either (though I am willing to in the short term to experience these things, in exchange for longer term benefits). I don't even care for visuals. I just want to know if you guys know of anything that I can use medicinally to achieve these goals. I believe there are some people here that are already doing this, so that's why I joined...to learn & perhaps be part of and contribute.

I am due to go on (my first) ayahuasca retreat (for 4 days) at the the end of the month. I have also ordered some caapi B vine and I intend to just get myself familiar with the vine itself and explore the benefits of it standalone before I take the DMT plunge at the retreat.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your time & experience.

Thank you for sharing your hearth.
I feel for your path.

Just as yoga, floating tanks, singing, ...etc..., the plants are IMHO also tools.
I suppose you know already that there is no miracle solution like instant 1, 2, 3 and hop all is over and only sunshine from here on.

I was intrigued to read you did find bliss on own legs in the middle of a crisis, and also intrigued it slipped again. Like a frequency found, and lost.
But then again it is never lost, the tune is out there and you know that.

I hear so many people having your issues, in another color or detail, but also not tuned into "life" in its best suit. It is a very human condition which has become a lucrative source for some professions. It will probably not surprise you that part of this stream also invaded the alternative sector waiting for people like you with only business in mind, pretending otherwise in a convincing professional way. Peru is heavily affected for instance. This I say not to spoil your day any further but we must be open eyed and honest.

I hope so much the plants can tool you in re-tuning the hearth and soul. I believe your biggest asset is still YOU. If you manage to reach a satisfying balance again you might become a helping beacon for others as you know the road like no other.

As mentioned: balance. That is enough IMO, the always-happy paradigm is deceit.

For me, the dark is never gone and does not have to. It's part. But how much weight it takes makes the difference. A deep experience with the plants also probably incorporates the full spectrum of possibilities, dark included. The session is succeeded IMO if all, good and bad, can be smiled too indifferently. Because then the smile originates and sources not out of the emotional territory, it has surpassed that.

The part of you accessing bliss in your text, please forgive me, still indicates emotional wear and tear, that is not a crime but still showing vulnerability, a very unstable situation, a coin on a side, and as illustrated by your further resume, ready to tip over. And it did.

Yes, the plants can bring one past the emotional wear and tear world, where the emotions are not gone but lost their canon power over you. I hope you reach that point, that is my true wish. I know it awaits you. But you'll have to give away most of your emotional addiction (for both good and bad feelings, no difference here) to reach it.

I would hope not to come across condescending, maybe my suggestions are not relevant to you, I might be wrong all along, I just express my thoughts.

I didn't experience you as condescending, and I try to take all the criticism / advice I am offered, even if it's unpalatable at first. In fact I find there's something I usually need to look at more when I am bothered by another's comments.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me in the open and honest way that you did.

It's an ironic situation isn't it? I am running around looking for something that I already have...and the only other times I've "found" it was due to completely surrendering the seeking to find it.

It sounds like the path of a madman. It probably is.

Thanks for the advice on the ayahuasca ceremony. There is always risk, though I researched the place I am going to pretty well, and it is not a well known or touristy event, and I've started a relationship which I am comfortable with one of the organisers there. I would have tried it on my own but my girlfriend was freaking out a little that I would become unstable in the house. I feel like I could handle it, but it's her house too so I need to be respectful of that for now. She's not saying no in the house ever....just that she'd rather send me miles & miles away to try it with some complete strangers - because THAT's safer -

Thanks again for the welcome.

Hi hpinside, great name!

You actually and spontaneously became the REAL you. Dogs have to be dogs, but humans suppress their true nature in instinctive protection from outside social assault on their soft and slowly-forming identity. The ego is born: a shell to protect the soft center.

What you experienced is known by Western medicine as 'psychosis', meaning 'a break with reality'. Previous cultures may have seen you as a seer and venerated you, or perhaps burned you for heresy as a witch! The 'delusions' of interconnectedness, the direct perception of a higher level of reality and sure knowledge that love is the guiding principle of the universe just don't have a place in our culture - spirituality is generally frowned upon by the I/M complex. Others, who cannot 'see' what one is seeing nor feel what one is feeling, will invariably become frightened by your words and behaviour, and seek to help you to reenter the safe estuary from the dangers of the deep ocean you have discovered. It means they care, just cannot don't understand. How would you explain an orgasm to someone who had never had one? You can't.... They may actually not believe such a thing is possible due to their own ego. Then one day they're like: "So THATS what hp was on about!"

Your internal 'energy' blockages got a jolt of psychic draino from somewhere which cleared you out and gave you this amazing re-perception of your entire reality.

But, unless the source is cleaned, the pipes soon get get blocked up again. My best guess is that without a reinforcing culture to see this process for what it is and catch us at the landing, we invariably go back to old habits of thinking and doing - the ego reasserts itself and we wind up, seemingly, back at square one. But not quite, because you liked the view from up there, as I imagine a toddler likes the view from the vantage point of those first herculean efforts to stand-up, and remembered it - how could you forget such an emotionally charged experience?

Go with it - believe in yourself. Your mind would not be straining against it's shell if it were not ready to hatch. You are not crazy: everyone else is! But have compassion for them - their minds are not ready, so be gentle and understanding with them. Yes you want to excitedly share these amazing revelations with everyone, but it's not fair to do so. As you follow your personal journey and explore this realm, you will become calmer and more powerful, living with more intent and gusto than before. Your life will become more manageable and lubricated. Let others notice the difference in you, and if they ask about it, then, well, they asked for it!!!

Softness and light, fellow traveller