I vaporized a little DMT last night for the first time in a while, and as usual I had a rather unpleasant experience. I received visions of horrible people and entities in the world. The focus of the trip was how to exist in a state of unconditional love for other human beings but deal with hardcore criminals and evil human beings at the same time without being a hypocrite.

After this part of the experience was over, I entered a contemplative state that usually follows my journeys. The reason I chose to do DMT last night was because I had some free time but I was also feeling a little nihilistic, and drugs help me overcome my nihilism when nothing else in my life really excites me or gives me purpose. I wrote the following during this time:

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Why am I so unhappy?
Everything is great for me.
I have money, nice things, friends who support me, a girlfriend I love, a great education, a good family, and I have never had a major tragedy.

So what is it?

Under critical analysis all of the above are great; there are no "holes" anywhere. No repressed memories, fantasies, feelings, no hidden abuse, and hardly even any inauthenticity! I've worked hard and been lucky with everything.

Meaninglessness and nihilism can only explain so much. There is just something missing, something unobtainable, and I don't know what it is! Are my expectations just faulty? Is there some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain? Some toxin or food that causes this feeling? Or is it just an inextricable part of my life and personality?
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Have you or do you experience something similar? I just run into these periods kind of often where nothing in my life seems special and the lack of an ultimate purpose just gets to me. Even though I rationally realize I can only do the best that I can for myself and fellow humans, I can never escape the void of any ultimate meaning to any of our actions and the inconsequentiality of our lives.

What should I do?

You are unhappy because deep down, you know you don't deserve everything that you have. I don't mean that in an antagonizing or accusatory way: it is simply a truth. Even Siddhartha Gautama, the Buddha, had to confront this feeling in order to leave his palace and become the Buddha. In many ways, I find it an ever present theme in my life and, lately, I've seem it in those of others as well. We are all so privileged, while our dark skinned and homosexual and poor brothers and sisters are struggling just to survive to the next day. I think sometimes we realize this in our heart before we realize it in our mind. Take it as what you will: this may not even apply to you for all I know. Either way, keep on keeping on.

Thank you for the opinion! It very well may be the case.

But what does one do about this, if it is true? Do I give up the things that I've come to enjoy? Or do I just keep existing, simply knowing this truth?

I'd feel bad just giving up some of the nice things I have because I do not want to be ungrateful, if you know what I mean.

I try to donate to just causes as often as possible, and to use what I already have to make myself stable so I can always be in a position to help others. It's different for everyone, but if you do think what I said applies to you then I would just follow your heart and just try to be as kind and generous a person as you can, without ever harming your own stability in the process. Even better would be to help equalize things by participating in movements and organizations that seek to improve the lives of people whose lives need improving. Whatever you do, just follow your heart Who knows? Maybe self accomplishment is unsatisfying without helping others in a tangible way in the process. I'm starting to believe that it may be just as basic a human need to help others as to help ourselves.

Excuse me, but how do you know? How is it even possible to know?

I dunno. My life feels meaningless and lacks sense at the moment. I guess that is one part of life. I don't see much value in lying about it. I am as confused as ever over women, work, the city I live in etc...the moment I ask "why?", all I can muster up is that the universe is a complex and messy place and seeking sense inside of it all is likely causing more suffering than just accepting the chaos of it.

I thought about this too last night; I was scanning through many of my past memories to see if I could uncover anything repressed in my elevated state, but I could not. I am a very honest person with myself and with everyone I meet, so what I mean by what I wrote is that there is nothing that I am hiding from everyone except myself that would be causing uneasiness.

But you're right in that there are unknown unknowns, stuff we don't know we don't know, that would be outside my (and anyone else's) grasp. However let's not think about these and look for solutions to solvable problems!

its food.
a good percent of what is being fed to humans today,
is fit for neither cattle or slaves.

I proposed this because my mother had problems with depression and unhealthiness stemming from a gluten intolerance that she didn't realize she had for a while. My parents instilled great dietary rules for me as a youth which I follow to this day.

I eat all organic food, and I am gluten free as well at home. My main energy comes from brown rice and quinoa, my main protein comes from a little chicken breast and pea protein, and on top of this I eat a lot of spinach, peas, carrots, and fish oil along with other food-based supplements.

Do you think it's a possibility that even this kind of stuff could harm me in some way too? I wouldn't think many people if any are intolerant to brown rice and peas but that would sure be unfortunate if so...

Finish a 10,000 piece puzzle all by yourself (without looking at the picture on the box).

If the image is on the box before you start, you are just finding patterns cut in the fabric of the reality of the picture, not the contents of the picture itself (which you already know). Which, don't get me wrong is intensely satisfying (especially if you fall somewhere along the compulsive spectrum), but you are just arranging the pieces according to a known thing.
Exploring the relationship between colour, image, and pattern without knowing the outcome might offer a longer term satisfaction.

I think this is telling, personally. I've never really found (lasting) happiness in having, only doing. Here you've written a little essay and it says absolutely nothing about the things you do in your life (or finding fulfillment/engagement in them). To me, that speaks volumes.

Hope the perspective helps

Sounds to me like you are suffering from privileged/middle classed induced torpor. You need a challenge. Go and do something that you have always wanted to do but are afraid to try.

Good luck,.

Fact : Human being is a social animal => Level of 'happiness' is higher for people doing things (helping) for other than themselves (if not expecting something back).

Hey RAM,

It is sad to see you being unhappy - I truly hope you will find your way out of it.

Interestingly, I can relate to having everything on one hand (money, good education, no major trauma's, great family and friends) and feeling dissatisfied on the other. I have felt like this some years ago. Actually, this was one of the reasons I started using DMT in the first place, just to find the answer.

It may come to you as no surprise that DMT didn't provide the answers I was looking for. It was mind blowing, it even gave my life a kind of purpose for some time, but it was not the Answer with a capital "A" I was desperately looking for. Fortunatelly, my interaction with Hyperspace, its entities, and as well as some other circumstances in my life, eventually led me to the answer.

And the answer was God. And by God I don't mean a universal cosmic consciousness, the nature or us, the humans. No. I mean the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, as professed by the Eastern Orthodox Church. Only in Him, the one and only true God, the creator of everything, did I find the peace of mind and the clarity I was lacking my whole life.

Greetings,
AstraLex.

I actually don't like jigsaw type puzzles, but I see the metaphor in what you are saying. If you know the picture of life, what you want to see yourself as, before actually doing anything, then it won't be as satisfying. Excitement in life comes from not knowing where you are going. I'm going to incorporate this thought into my solution.



Thanks for the perspective Snozz! The thing is, the things I do in life mainly revolve around the things I listed. I spend a lot of time hanging out with my supporting friends, spending time with the girl I love, seeing my family, studying, learning, and enjoying carefully selected print and visual media. I also workout, code, and lead a discussion group.

The issue is that I see all of this as meaningless: the things I have and what I do. I am pretty free to do as I please, so I hope you can see where I am running into an issue.

Things like fancy cars, watches, houses, etc. do not excite me at all. I do not really have that many possessions, and the things I do have are satisfactory for my needs. Maybe like hug says I need to find a new activity to do, and I definitely want to incorporate helping people somehow.

I am going to research some community service opportunities in my town to see if that would help, but I want to do it to actually help other people, not just feel better about myself (of which I think many charitable people are guilty). I need to be authentic and honest in what I do, but it's tough when I honestly don't see an ultimate point to doing much of anything.

It may be that you're focusing too hard on trying to be happy. If you're asking yourself "am I happy? Am I doing enough to be happy?" you'll just end up stressing yourself out and decreasing your happiness.

IF your problem is that you're being plagued with existential questions or dread about whether it's all meaningful, maybe ask yourself "what if it's actually all meaningless?" Do you love your partner any less or enjoy working out any less?

It may be that the only thing standing in your way to happiness is your own desire to be happy.

Blessings
~ND

Sometimes, when you are in a sitaution where everything is always going right all the time, you just get used to it. It becomes the norm.

There is no happiness without sadness to provide the contrast. There is no light without darkness.

Try (safely) putting yourself in a really bad situation. Do something like volunteering for people or animals who are homeless or have been abused. You will have the satisfaction of giving to others, while at the same time seeing what other people live through every day. It won't be fun, and when you drive home in your own car and make yourself a nice meal afterwards, I bet you 50 bucks you will enjoy and appreciate it a whole lot more.

Another version: get senselessly, hopelessly drunk (but please don't drive or hurt yourself or anything). Eat some really crappy food. When you wake up, you are gonna have one heck of a wicked hangover. You will wish that you didn't get so drunk; you'd give a lot just to feel as good as you were yesterday, even though the position you were in yesterday was no fun either. But compared to how you feel now, it would be something like heaven.

IMO, happiness can only be found in fully appreciating the moment before you, and looking forward to what is to come. Yeah, it's cliche. Yeah, it's easier said than done. But it's the truth.

Try setting some goals for yourself, slightly outside of your reach. I also think accomplishing goals that you have is basically equivalent to happiness. Who cares if they ultimately won't mean jack after you're dead? There IS a point to them as long as they make you happy in this incarnation. You create the purpose.

Also, there is such a thing as treatment-resistant depression. Just a friendly reminder to everyone that sometimes, IT IS NOT JUST "IN YOUR HEAD".

Best of luck to you, friend!

Your belief...



Religion can be a powerful placebo.

I believe there are many paths up the mountain. Just because you found one that works for you, doesn't make it the one and only true one.

Fixed it for you