Greetings, and Namaste Nexus…I’d like to introduce myself, again…
This is a bit long; hopefully it’s written in such a way it’s not too laborious to read…
Last year I joined this community and wrote an introduction. After that, I encountered and traveled through the most difficult times of my life and as a result, faded into a grey area of sadness, grieving and began a difficult road back to healing.
One of the things I have respected about this forum is that people seem to really care about people. Welcome essays, even long ones, are usually met with open (virtual) arms and a level of compassion not usually seen on internet communities. I hope this essay; indeed my hello-again bio will be met that way.
A divorce, an illness, failing health of my parents and the stress of opening my own business were all taking a toll on me. I am a yoga and meditation instructor and practitioner, and even though I was teaching and leading these arts with others, I couldn’t seem to hear my own words and integrate them into my life; sometimes I felt like a fraud. Here I am, teaching something I can’t even practice well in my own life. Yet, I strive to be a completely authentic teacher; never did I create the illusion that my life was either perfect and together, always telling students that I am only human and struggle with the same things they do daily. I have always found that teachers who are transparently human with their students gain a respect far greater than those who claim to be somehow “above it all”. Yet, it was difficult to trudge through the muck and transfer any type of light to those around me.
And then, it happened - the most painful thing I have ever experienced (and I am a cancer survivor; this was worse). One year ago this past Sunday I lost my beloved cat, Jezebel. We were so close; I used to feel she was somehow a mystical being, and we communicated on a level I had never experienced before with either animals or humans. When her light left her body, even though her suffering needed to end, my suffering hit a new intensity. With the previously mentioned challenges, this one just knocked down the house of cards and I crashed down hard.
I took a sabbatical from my work and teaching, concentrating on my practice, my health, and did some traveling as well. I was then connected with a very, very special therapist who does MDMA therapy. I had never experienced the medicine before; needless to say, my life changed the day I took the medicine for the first time, and I was able to finally assess my life in a clear, focused way to find a new path towards healing. During that first magical session, I called the medicine an “emotional collator”; one is able to look at the painful things in life without the attachment to the pain and find a way through the grief and suffering. This is why, as many of you know, MDMA has been so successful in treating different manifestations of PTSD.
Fast forward to now: I have had six such sessions, and they have brought me to a new place of light and peace. I am back to teaching, leading my students and employees with a newly found gratitude towards life, learning and loving. While still sad about my loss a year ago, I began volunteering at an animal shelter, and as they say, was “chosen” by another amazing creature; a beautiful cat named Eleanor, or Ellie. Not a replacement at all, for she is completely different, yet I found the ability to love and give again, learning every day new lessons about unconditional love, the gratitude of receiving it and the joy of giving it.
I have always loved psychedelics; acid and mushrooms were in my life just after high school, and I never took them to “get high”, but rather for exploration into the Self and our connection to the greater Universe, the Divine. Since it has always been an interest of mine, coupled with my MDMA work, I became exposed to the wondrous and wise molecule, DMT.
I never just plunge into anything; I like to do my research. I have been observing, reading and learning from this site for many months now. I have contributed occasionally, but not really committing myself to the community. I really wanted to experience the spirit of DMT, but had the usual anxiety and fear that most have when first exploring. Yet, I knew that my desire to experience and explore those realms would conquer my trepidation. Two months ago, I experienced the power and grace you all know, and my life hasn’t been the same since.
As we know, nothing can prepare one for the experience. I still remember the first time; the awe and the beauty, the power and the purity…it is just so gorgeous. I view it as another type of medicine for healing and self-exploration - not a recreational thing for me. It is a ritual, a rite, a sacrament.
I apologize for the length of this essay, but I really wanted to put it out there. Perhaps, someone reading this in the depths of some darkness can glean hope that the light will come. The Universe, truly, is in control. Sometimes, the realization of that is the first step in letting go, trusting, and allowing healing to occur, rather than trying to force it. We are tiny - the Cosmos is huge (one of my greatest yoga teachers refers to it as “Big Mind”) and a respect for who we are in it is key to finding peace within it, and in ourselves.
Namaste, and thanks for reading…I am glad to be here. Again.