I have suffered severe (to the point of suicidal ideation and two past suicide attempts) depression, as well as PTSD for a good part of my life. The latter is something science is only now beginning to understand,.as the very real and crippling condition that it is. Since there are no visible scars, many people discount PTSD as psychosomatic disorder and not much more. This has led to years of pretending too be alright, and carrying the burden of shame for having it. But my lover can tell you, I scream through the might, beg for mercy and cry in my sleep sometimes. Often I wake up to her caressing my head and looking at me in a way that although full of concern, I hate, and I never remember the dreams just waking in a panic.
These were largely the reasons I descended into a heroin addiction that ate up half of my 44 year long life. Only in the last five or so have I taken the a steps to aquire the self knowledge required to end it. Five years ago this month,i entered a methadone clinic; I was dying o of depression and addiction and didn't know what else to do. I was on crutches from having almost lost my left leg to a infection from non sterile needles, I was blind from cataracts at 40. I was a criminal, stealing to pay for a stupendously expensive habit. I did not care about nor have any real human relationships,, I had no friends, my family were distant strangers. I had begun using heroin to amelikioorate the pain of PTSD, hut the addiction to it caused its own traumas., andI used to fix that. I used to not be sick, tnot to get high, so much. I was in "treatment" for ten years, dying of my condition- I'm not going to open that can of worms, only to say its miraculous I survived that as much as it is an addiction.

Anyway, i began methadone clinic with the idea that I needed opiate replacement therapy so I could deal with the emotional issues behind my addiction and deal with it, once and for all, and worry about the physical part later. I gave myself five years to do it, and despite all odds, I did. I've been off the clinic for two months now. Physically, I'm fine, but I'm feeling like I want to cry half the time because of the chemical imbalance in my brain known as post acute withdrawal syndrome (PAWS), My serotonin levels are all % ¿©##ed up. (I micro-dose psilocybin as an anti-depressant, which, wwhich has wonders so far. unfortunately, my supply ran out before season hit and my hunts so far have been fruitless, my only known cyan patches having literally been destroyed by weather)

It's been the most anti climatic experience of my life. I didn't tell people I was doing it, since the only response I ever got from people were patronizing "good for you"s,.or "so, you strung out yet? You'll be back". This is from clients, counselors and others.

I have used a psilocybin micro dose regimen too maintain my mood, but have no access too my meds right now. Since leaving, where i expected to feel some sense of well-being, of accomplishment, i feel nothing. I saw one off the most beautiful sunrises the other week, normally an inspiring event. Nothing. I couldn't even continue to look.
I know it's a chemical thing, but it's a life thing too. No matter where you go, there you are. I cannot escape my past.
I feel i went too far, that I'll never be able to reach my potential because I'll never be given another chance. Heroin addiction is a about s far a you can go "across the tracks". There is no return. I can't relate, people can't relate to me. I've been looking fur work, but my mug shots are all over the internet. I don't have family, friends to disk of, nor resources.
I'm afraid, lonely, angry, and tired.

The world seems alien to me, the people in it strangers. They look at me and see one thing. I don't know what too do. I need help, but don't know where to go. I need housing, work, I need a life, but I'm afraid it's all to far gone, even in recovery.

As someone who suffered with manic depression for several years,I can say there is always hope.

Hey Null,

Whats up? You sounded like you weren't in a good place at that time. I hope you are doing better/well. I suspect there are many here who sympathize with your situation and care. Give us an update if you feel up to it.

I wish you the best, I could make recommendations, but since I don't know the situation what good would they be? If it's lack of opioids causing this neurotransmitter imbalance leading to your depression, you may consider "kratom" (Mitragynine) which is a µ-opioid receptor agonist derived from a plant that is available, in most places, from your local "head-shop", though since I am not familiar with the condition you describe I'm not sure if this may be detrimental.

Maybe ibogaine could help with post-use issues as well?

I think psychedelic therapy could be the key, MAPS has been doing MDMA studies on PTSD affected vetrans with great success, it may also improve your depression, however I'm not recommending using MDMA outside of a therapeutic setting. There have also been many studies preformed with psilocin, DMT/ayahuasca, and other psychedelic and 5ht2a and 5ht2c receptor agonists.

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(This info below may not be useful, but it was interesting)

Menthol is an organic compound made synthetically or obtained from cornmint, peppermint or other mint oils. It is a waxy, crystalline substance, clear or white in color, which is solid at room temperature and melts slightly above. The main form of menthol occurring in nature is (−)-menthol, which is assigned the (1R,2S,5R) configuration. Menthol has local anesthetic and counterirritant qualities, and it is widely used to relieve minor throat irritation. Menthol also acts as a weak kappa opioid receptor agonist
http://self.gutenberg.org/articles/Menthol

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Anyway, I hope you find comfort in your daily existence as well as happiness, I had mild depression as a teen, which has disappeared 100%, I credit a life changing DMT experience for this, but at the time this occurred I also stopped listening to negative music and watching negative movies, I began to only associate with positive people, and I began to only participate in positive activities, and only surrounded myself with the positive in every situation where possible, which has made worlds of difference...I couldn't imagine feeling depressed when everywhere you go the vibrations of happiness, peace, love, and positivity follow you.

(You can't ignore the negative, but you can choose not to embrace it, to discard and disdain it, to do all you can from allowing it to enter and affect our life and mind, as well as doing all you can to eliminate it from your conscious stream as well as others around you)

... so much of our suffering is self inflicted, and simple alterations in perspective and mental attitude can change everything.

I also found spirituality after this DMT experience, and have dedicated my life to spiritual practice, which helped tons, but since I came to this path independently, I don't try to convince or convert others regarding the spirituality thing.

I hope that you (and all sentient beings) find peace and happiness in this incarnation and any that may follow.

(To wish for anything else other than the happiness of all beings is a futile effort, however since happy beings don't wage war, since happy beings don't lash out at others, and since happy beings are able to practice peace and love inhibited, if we pray all beings could find peace and happiness, all the world's problems solutions would follow)

My life is far from perfect, but it's amazingly positive and beautiful and filled with happiness, peace and love...and it all started with a change of perspective.

(I understand that depression can be chemical, but positive external influences induce the release of positive neurotransmitters, and may be just as effective as a medicine)

I hope at least something said was benneficial in some way, if you take anything from what I've said I hope it's just to always maintain a positive mental atitude and be sure your actions are motivated by selflessness, kindness, happiness, love, peace and compassion for all beings.

-eg

Thanks y'all. That was written by a broken suffering man who saw no way out. But one who had glimpsed something better and held on until he found the way out of hell. And that's all it takes. Hold on.

Yes, EG, I've finally been able to glimpse something beyond the veil of tears I'd enshrouded myself through compounding misery upon misery. I can say that nothing has ever happened to me, I'm complicit in all my life's design. That said, self delusion can be opaque, blinding one to a reality other than suffering. Once I was able to pierce it though, the lies fade as lies do. It's tough to see that I lost so many opportunities, that all the suffering was needless and for such a simple thing , which corny as it is, is no more than a disapointed need for love. It's strange, since coming to that realization, I feel my heart has opened to allow a sense of compassion and empathy for others that heretofore was unknown to me. Where I held hatred anger and fear only compassion exists. Not that I don't feel those things ever,- quite often do I bristle at things, I must at all costs avoid Donald Trumps bloviations-but they are transient, they simply come in and out of my vision.

There have been major life improvements, some due to my perseverance, others providence.

I've been free of methadone now since early October, the longest period of (non incarcerated) opiate free life I've had since 1999. It's difficult, but doable.

Kratom has helped, it's an interesting plant. By no means do I feel high from it, but it takes the lethargy ways and also removes perseverant thoughts of discomfort and related cravings.

Community has been the most valuable tool though. Through my life as an addict I became completely desocialized. I had no idea how to relate to people other than through what I call 'transactional relationships'. Iow, even someone whom I genuinely consider friend, I did not know how to contact without having a reason. Simply enjoying company doesn't happen in that lifestyle.

Also, after nearly four years of abject povert and homelessness, I've found a home. Only through the kindness of a stranger, I was offered the opportunity to stay in a RV on private land as a sort of night watchman. It's nice, nothing to hear back there at night but the frogs.

With the living space and distance from the methadone clinic- which due to my marihuana use was a 6 day a week thing- I've begun working in several projects, from crafts that I consign locally to freelance illustration and am collecting gear to build a flat stock screen printing press. I sent a proposal to the organizers of a local entheogen conference to speak on my story and may get the chance to go so. I also am part of a local entheogen discussion group on a organizational level and that has opened up a huge community that I feel a part of.

Cleaning up is hard, it took a pretty extreme circumstance to push me through that last gate, to get off methadone, and I was terrified around that time. It's all I knew. With the love kindness, acceptance and support of my friends here and in real life, I feel my future now actually exists in a place other than suffering. I think a lot of the depression came from not knowing, changing.

I've held a sustained good mood now pretty much since I moved indoors, and know that sleeping on a sidewalk may have had a little something to do with being generally unhappy. I've let the kratom go, and don't even find myself smoking as much cannabis as I did on methadone. I've tripped mushrooms once since coming off, and it was the best trip of my life. Working on a new extract, now that I finally have the space and can just close my curtains, snuggle in my queen bed and smoalk- well I'm excited to do so. And ibogaine? Yes, very much want to, and am looking into local options.

Thank you guys, couldn't do any of this without y'all.

Glad to hear you're doing better man. I can relate to a lot of the struggles you went through and it's always nice to hear about somebody who is making real progress.

May I ask what kind of doses you were trying when you microdosed, and how much success do you feel you had?

Much love brother <3

Glad to hear you are doing better. I've had to endure many of the same struggles, and I can tell you there's always hope. I hope you maintain a positive path and wish you the best of luck.

-eg