Greetings fellow nexus members! I'm excited to join this site, as I resonate strongly with the attitude philosophy, and the emphasis upon learning/research.

I've been using entheogens/psychedelics for 16 years now, starting with mushrooms at a young age. I took an extended break from psychedelics in my late teens to early twenties, then some severe trauma led me to rediscovering them along with shamanism. Over the past 5-6 years, I've slowly healed myself of severe childhood trauma that was followed by a downward spiral of trauma and escapism through drug use (mainly alcohol and marijuana). After a long path of struggle, trauma, and misfortune, I had to do something to change the negative pattern pervading my life at the time.

After a fair amount of research, I started using MDMA to confront my bound up emotions, and slowly worked my way into mushrooms and LSD. Eventually, vaporized DMT came into my possession, and I had a few light, yet rewarding, experiences with it. My first real breakthrough occurred early last year, and was truly a life changing experience. Everything was falling apart in my life at that time, and the realm and entities I encountered gave me some reassurance that there was something much bigger than my life in the material world that was waiting to embrace me when this is all over.

This experience, and couple of bad ones afterward, led me to accept that these substances have the power to open up possibilities which were far beyond my ability to comprehend at that time. This led me to seek the ceremonial use of ayahuasca or peyote, in order to enter these mind states to achieve the deep healing I so badly needed. After one failed attempt to find a true shaman/healer to safely administer these substances, I decided to drop everything in my life, and move back home with the folks for some extended healing time.

I was kicked out of the house at 18 while missing some very crucial social and emotional skills needed to handle the real world in American society. The next ten years or so were spent going from one job to another, back to school, more misfortune, and ongoing depression/PTSD. It was hard to move back with the folks in my late twenties, but it's the best thing I ever did for myself. While living there, I was lucky enough to come across some very potent LSD.

I would take low doses by myself every other week to a month, and walk in nature, or lay down and meditate upon my emotions or past traumas. After about 6-7 months of this, I realized I had gone about as far as I could go on my own, and decided to seek out assistance once more. I finally found someone I felt I could trust, and participated in a one on one ayahuasca ceremony with the 'healer' I found. It proved to be successful, and throughout this year I participated in two more aya ceremonies, and three experiences with peyote. After my last peyote ceremony about three weeks ago, I feel I finally have my soul back! I still feel as though I'm in a recovery stage, and am being careful not to invite more dark influences into my life. Ironically enough, the 'healer' being one of them, but that's a whole 'nother story altogether! I will explain in a separate thread.

I'm glad I've found this community, as I think I will have much to contribute, and also find some of the support I need right now as I continue my journey with plant teachers and other psychedelics. Thank you all for being here, and I look forward to exploring with you what this community can offer all of us!

Cheers!

Welcome to the Nexus!

Thank you for your introduction! I think you'll find a lot of like-minded individuals around here, some with a very similar story to yours. Psychedelics definitely have healing properties and I also enjoy low doses of certain substances for nothing more than a little introspection. It doesn't always have to be a full blown, mind-bending journey to get the healing and answers one is seeking. That is something I've learned throughout the past few years as my experiments with psychedelics have increased. I am happy to hear your Ayahuasca journey was so successful. Aya is truly a beautiful medicine...

Anywho, welcome once again and may you find everything you are seeking here at the Nexus!

PEACE

-The Grateful One-

Thanks for the kind reply Grateful One. I'd have to agree with your statement that it doesn't always need to be a mind bending psychedelic experience to get answers or healing. Some of my most valuable experiences have come from low doses. My goal is to get to the point where I don't need substances at all, as I truly believe the power lies within ourselves.

Thanks again for the greeting, I look forward to hearing more from you later on!

💙Welcome to the Nexus family💙

Thank you for sharing your experience. I just signed up last night and will write an essay sooner or later. First I want to learn about some of the people that visit here. Already I have found a person that shares a similar story to me. This is why I am here. I am actually not here to learn about the science. I'm here to learn about the people and their experiences. I find it helps me find me and connect to me and all the me's around me. I don't feel so alone when I hear bits and pieces of me through other people. Hopefully my story can help you find some pieces of you.

I too was "I was kicked out of the house at 18 while missing some very crucial social and emotional skills needed to handle the real world in American society." Except I was 19 and had just given my child up for adoption because the sociopath/pedophile that raised me and dragged me through 14 different school systems (my father according to the birth certificate) by himself was still alive and I did not want him to harm her. Then only a few months after I gave away a part of my flesh and soul to complete strangers, he killed himself. I was forced to live alone in a grocery store. He was a man who brought three digits home a year and when he killed himself was negative in his bank account. He left me nothing. I went from a princess tower to nearly homeless. He gave me every materialistic thing I ever wanted, so long as I didn't tell people he made me give him oral sex. I had no family to help me, I was suffering from Stockholm syndrome and had only a handful of friends because I was too different than the people I graduated school with and had a very hard time connecting with. I am most thankful for my small group of friends. They were more of family to me than family ever could be or have been.

"Over the past 5-6 years, I've slowly healed myself of severe childhood trauma" I spend 7-8 years healing. I used self help books and went to sexual abuse classes where I met other women who were also abused. Then I found I was the youngest one in the class. It showed me how strong I was, that I was able to face everything sooner than them. This gave me the lift I needed to keep going. I realized I had a power in me then and I wasn't going to let it go to waste.

I abused alcohol for a while and then one night I went so far overboard I nearly killed myself. I actually didn't start drinking until I was 21. I was a good girl because I was raised to be scared to death of my abuser. It was like he was psychic. Every time I did something he disproved of, he somehow found out about it and I was severely punished. So he beat fear into me so hard that even after he died when I was 19, I still didn't do any drugs or drink any alcohol until I turned 21. April 2009 was the last time I got drunk. That was the night I almost didn't return. My boyfriend at the time liked drinking but he had friends that smoked Marijuana for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Ironically, the friend who taught me how to smoke had the same name as my father who killed himself. I dropped alcohol completely after this transition. I now became a "pot head" and my life started turning around. My anxiety stated waning, I started getting less shaky and reactive to challenges. I started caring more about myself and giving myself goals. I had more energy and it felt easier to fight off depression. I would have to say that Marijuana saved my life. I had been through so much trauma that I decided I wasn't going to use nothing. I didn't want to be on anti-depression meds, they made me numb, I didn't want to use anxiety pills, they made me crazy and more reactive to challenges. The best medicine for me was a psychedelic. Something Illegal. So I did something illegal and it saved my life. I hate that so many people cannot see this.

I'm 28 now and I only started getting into heavier psychedelics about 3 years ago or so when I came across Dr. Strassman's Spirit Molecule Documentary. I became so enthralled by it that I spend the next year sharing it with anyone I knew who smoked mj. I do not retain information well, I missed a lot of my childhood developmental years so making myself watch it with people over and over again embedded some level of awareness in me that I needed about DMT. Then after a year of this, I met an hold high school friend who had returned from college. I was married when I met him, to the man that was my boyfriend when I started smoking MJ. Our relationship had died because I had married him due to co-dependency, remember I was nearly homeless several years prior, I needed him... financially. Our entire relationship was a mild reenactment of the way I was treated as a child. I was mean to him and emotionally abused him. I spend 6 years in a relationship with him and felt so bad for him that I had to end it for his sake and for my sake. I had realized what kind of a monster I was to him and wanted to change. I wanted to start my life again. I met my current boyfriend a year before I divorced my husband. He also had been researching Dr. Strassman's work and this endeared me to him. My husband still only drank alcohol and would never touch a psychedelic in his life. That meant he couldn't stand it if I would. I felt restricted. I felt like I wasn't "allowed" to experience something I wanted to experience. I was so sick and tired of not being "allowed" to do something that I rebelled against this and of course that hurt him so there again, we were smart to divorce. My current boyfriend and I seemed to be walking the same path in the same direction. We were discovering things at nearly the same time and he had already delved into the DMT world. We went to high school together and I had been in touch with his brother for so long and they are twins. I really liked his brother so you can imagine when I met him how far I fell in love. Falling in love with him was an experience I had never had before. I woke up to an entire new world with him that I never knew existed. I want to share my first DMT experience with you but I really want to wait for that one when I write my introduction. I just read your story and it really provoked me to want to share mine with you. I suffered so much and when I hear someone else suffered as much as I did, I want so badly to reach out to them and help them realize that they aren't alone. Even if you do realize you aren't alone in this, hopefully you can realize that you are right about the world having bigger plans for us than we realize. I forget that sometimes and spiral into these pessimistic depression phases but I have a real love that helps pull me out of that phase when I'm there. I don't know what path I would have chosen if not with him. Thank you for sharing! Peace, Love and Reality!

welcome aboard my friend

I can definitely relate to this, but have been pretty lonely lately. I'm pretty much redefining my life completely, and I'm being careful of who I let get close to me. I'm finding that I don't need other people as much as I thought I do. I make my own happiness. I have high aspirations, and anyone who doesn't support that or gets in the way is not necessary for my success. That might sound a little cold, but I'm damn determined, and nothing is standing in my way now. It's taken a LOT of sacrifice!

All of my abuse was mostly emotional and neglect, so I can't truly relate to sexual abuse. I'm glad to hear that you are healing, and taking the necessary steps towards your recovery. It takes guts, and a lot of people don't do the work.

I look forward to hearing more about you! Love and light right back at ya!

I find peace in loneliness actually, too. I suffered emotional neglect like you and medical neglect as well. Like the Tiger or the Polar Bear, Loneliness can be a savior. You learn what it's like to live with yourself and you can work through the things you hate about yourself without the negative judgments of others inflicting your ability to have any confidence in your growth. It's your working space. But of course, eventually we need a relationship. We aren't Tigers or Polar Bears even though we can relate. We are an interdependent species and depend on the opinions of others to help walk us through this life. It takes guts and work learning how to empathize with people we don't yet understand. Then again, how can you empathize with something you have never experienced? Like sexual abuse. How do you understand someone who is not you when you are still working on learning about you?

Very true about eventually needing a relationship. I do have them, and luckily they are with the people in my family who didn't totally check out and leave me out to dry when things got tough. I'm hoping to meet more people I can really relate to outside of my family, I have some, but they are far and few between. I get along with all sorts of people, but that doesn't mean I can show them all of me. We'll see what the future holds.