Dear all,

This is from someone who isn't me, who I met in Madrid, and thought I would share. Please read and comment.

"I recently experienced Ayahuasca whilst abroad (in a country where it is legal).

I made the brew myself and boiled 200grams of dried B Caapi and 200grams of dried Psychotria viridis. It took around 6 hours, and half way through, I used a food blender to help the process along. I used vinegar and lemon to aid the extraction.

The end result was 3 shots of thick black brew.

In the evening, around 8.15pm, I took one of the shots. I lay on my bed and at some point, fell asleep. About 30/45 mins later, I woke up to an incredibly intense experience. The whole room had gone psychedelic, and geometric patterns and colors were everywhere. Green was slipping from every morphing object I could find.

The experience was pulling me in deeper and deeper beyond my control and so I staggered to the bathroom. I looked into the toilet being sick until there was no more. After the flush, even the water dropplets were forming patterns and shapes, and everything was swirling. By this time I felt I was completely loosing it and being pulled, and was trapped in this awful fear. I was loosing it and was neurotic in my behaviour: paranoid, confused, repetitive.etc

I stumbled back to my bedroom in full panic. I could not control it. I could not contain it. I was entirely at the experience mercy.

I lay on my bed and I was so overtaken that the images of the universe, geometric patterns, co lours were there regardless of whether my eyes were open or shut.

I began to feel myself die. Slowly disintegrating and watching my consciousness seep away as though I had been shot by a phaser in slow motion. I was aware of all my mistakes, my selfishness, even taking the brew without supervision and my lack of humility at it and how I would die of an overdose and did not consider before hand the consequences of those in my life. I realised how selfish I had been. How self-centred. How much of a control freak I was. And in my death experience, I saw clearly how my selfish actions and overdose would effect those in my life. The wounds, the scars, the questions. All of it.

I was swirling around drifting in and out of self-awareness, self consciousness. I no longer knew who 'I' was.

Words stopped having meaning. I would speak a sentence but half way through would simply mumble meaningless sounds (wuwuwuwu). I could no longer understand what a "Wednesday" was. I found myself saying the same word over and over as though I was stuck on loop.

I was petrified. I was scared. The experience was so terrifying that I was, on the one hand, desperate not to die, but on the other hand, wished I could die so that the experience would be over.

About 3 hrs later, I began to come around. Slowly, like in waves. I became violently sick and vomiting everywhere.

By 2am, I was conscious, back in my own body, and fully aware of my surroundings. Able to stand, talk, and walk. But I was shaken to the core.

Looking back, I need no further lessons on how stupid I had been to think that I could make the brew myself and have my first experience on my own. I came face to face with my own mortality, arrogance and flaws, but without support or any integration.

I have joined this forum because I want to talk, share, listen, and learn.

I am scared that I have damaged my brain, my personality, my emotional state.

But there is a part of me that is a little bit thankful because I have had to re-evaluate my life on a fundamental level - a rebirth, albeit a haunting one.

I cannot believe how self-centred I had been. Even embarking on this experience in ignorance and arrogance and deceit. Yet, I have been humbled, humiliated, revealed, and have found myself rebuilding from the ground up.

I don't think I will ever be able to put into words the sheer horror of my experience, the sense and feeling of dying and atomizing, and also the bitter regret at my mistakes. I began to beg and cry and fight for a second chance when I was in the throws of the experience.

I was foolish to have done what I have done. But I did it and despite my foolishness, I would value from the bottom of my heart your guidance and support as I begin the very long journey of integration.

I am not sure whether I see the world now through a darker instagram filter, or whether in fact the filter is now off. I can still laugh, cry, find meaning etc. But I am traumatised by the experience.

The only way that I can put the trauma into words is to simply say that I cannot unexperience or unsee what I experienced or saw. It is going to be with me for the rest of my life.

Thank you for reading all of this.

Yours"

Welcome to the forum!


Please, no swimming here! We assume and accept that you are not who you are and are making this all up anyway. You don't need to say that. Swimming merely distracts and adds noise.


Hey, not bad. Many people here have taken their first brew alone. It is easier when an experienced person guides you into proper setting and sensible first dose, but ultimately we must all face our own demons. You did not bad, it could have been much worse. You did not run unto the street naked and screaming and you did not have your mind raped by idiot "friends", police or psychiatric nurses, even if "well meant".

Next time you decide to do powerful psychotropic drugs for the first time, try starting out with a very low dose and build up the dose over the course of a couple of sessions.


Lol. Maybe you scratched your conformity to conventional consensus a bit, but the rest is all right. And don't forget that every experience changes your brain irreversibly, or else there would be no way for you to remember it. You'll be surprised how fast your ego is settled back into its comfort seat.


You have for a brief moment seen your reality without some parts of the usual ego filter. When that happens for the first time, it can be a bit of a shocker. Don't get hung up on it. You only get one life, why filter (and shut out) so much of it if you don't need to? You have been given an opportunity to consider things anew. Make the best of it. I'll say this again: you'll be surprised how fast your ego is settled back into its comfort seat.

My heartfelt advice:
- It is always now. Enjoy it while it lasts. The mere circumstance of existence is a miracle.
- Keep smiling (easier than frowning - plus it causes you to make free endogenous drugs).
- Open your heart, your ears, your eyes. Your mind will follow.

Brews are no joke when done properly. Certainly not a toy at that stage. I've been there myself. I swore off ayahuasca/admixtures for close to 14 months due to an experience very similar to yours.

The experience can rip it all away without mercy, without effort. It can show how embedded we all really are with the whole of reality. Literally embedded. Appearance phenomena with stubbornly persistent physicality. Immensely powerful beyond any conceivable framing. Boundless. Ghost in the machine. Ultimately - no words. Mystery

You'll come around. Stay active, stay busy, do what makes you happy, live life. Try not to take things too seriously. Not alot of people get to experience something so powerful and life affirming. A powerful gift.

Thank you!

I take the point about SWIM. Reading other forum entries, it does read odd!



Good advice. Facing my own demons is absolutely spot on. I tend to be an all or nothing person (in for a penny...). It works for me except for DMT! Lesson learned and advice taken...



I hadn't considered that. Boy did it scratch my conformity. I am relieved to discuss it here. It's the integration and framing you don't get when solitary.



Point taken. It was a shocker seeing my ego get destroyed and me turning into nothing but atoms interacting with space. Part of the oneness. I wonder how that would have felt like if I did not have the issues I had, as I could only see it through the lens of panic, fear, and loss. But I guess I realise that I have a fear of death that I need to come to terms with.




Re advice:
Sounds very much like mindfulness in the sense that I tend to be at my happiest and most calm when living in the present. I have spent my whole life either regurgitating the past or living and planning for the future to the extent that those precious moments came and went without me appreciating them.
Smiling I am beginning to do. I'm kind of avoiding sci-fi for the moment (!) though big bang theory is great!
That is where I see the biggest change in me My heart, ears and eyes are open. I still have my ego, reactions, and weaknesses, but I am aware of them now and learning to make different decisions.

Pitubo: I have to say that I am extremely grateful that you have taken the time to reply so thoroughly. It has helped incredibly. Without advice, I have been left to my own thoughts about it, even to the point of brain damage, emotional damage etc. But I think I have been given a glimpse that has opened my eyes to the world I live in today.

Thank you for replying and giving me your insights. I have to say, I have found myself swearing off ayahuasca for life because of the sheer panic of thinking I had overdosed and almost killed myself, plus the sensation of dying / atomizing (that last word seems strangely appropriate).

I am beginning to feel that in the end, I have been given a gift. I just have never experienced anything quite like this before and nothing could have prepared me for the journey: the ripping away, the death, destruction, emptyness, the meaningless, the bitter regret, the desperation for another chance.

The stupid thing is, that paragraph I had just written, if I read that I would be wanting the experience for myself and would be signing up to a full dose without any understanding of the reality of the experience behind each word.

The hollowness of words!

There is a part of me that wants to revisit as I feel I have unfinished business. But at the same time, nothing in me wants to have that horror and panic sensation again. But I cannot help but think that surely these experiences must be more than about horror? Surely there must also be light as well as darkness, hope as well as hopelessness, a map forward as well as a reliving regrets?

I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

You took too much. Not wise for first time.

Was your Chakruna Peruvian or Hawaiaan. The latter is very strong supposedly.

What vine did you use? Some Vine is very strong.

Hi,

The vine I used was yellow-Cielo.

The Chacruna I used was from Brazil and is specially farmed for the Santo Daime Church. The farming bit apparently ensures consistency of potency both through the growing methods and also when harvested.

Agreed. Took too much. So much rocket fuel that when the engines blasted off, they left the rocket behind.

Well there you go! You see, already your ego is reclaiming its comfort seat by searching for a new conformity to conventional consensus.

It's not so bad to have an ego, it's only a problem if your ego is all stuck and inflexible like a rusty knight's armour and you can't get it off anymore when you don't really need it so much. It's like not being able to fully breathe out, not being able to fully unfocus and not being able to relax. In fact I think that these things are all related somehow.


1. I don't know anyone who doesn't have any issues.
2. I don't believe in the psychological "fear of death". Surely there is a physical sense of self-preservation that keeps you alive, but the psychological fear is in my opinion really a fear of life. We fear the loss of control. We want to control so much because we are afraid to surrender to life. Death is no more than the final loss of control and a forced surrendering to the ultimate facts of life.

The fear of surrendering to life is generally intimately connected to the deepest personal issues.


Keep smiling at life and I hope you may take your smile all the way to your grave.

Yeah, the feeling of "Oh no, too much too quick, what's going on, I surely must have overdosed because this is too much!" Those types of feelings, ime, become overridden with time and continual plunges into Mystery. Not to say you get used to it or anything like that, but over time you're able to attach less and less to the physical and just 'let it be', trusting in what's unfolding and that no matter how it may feel at times - you'll be alright and everything is on course.




And a gift it is, sometimes overwhelmingly so. These experiences like to drive the point home sometime. And yeah, the I just have never experienced anything quite like this before and nothing could have prepared me for the journey - that there, is a very common place feeling/saying with people that have went deep with these medicines, as common as the clouds; you're definitely not alone there.





The hollowness of words indeed. They don't hold any sort of weight in the face of such enormity, of that type of experience. Trying to put words behind that type of experience is like trying to take some glasses of water to try to contain a blazing wildfire - it just doesn't work; words fall terribly ...terribly short. In such an experience - direct experience is the only option.





Start with smaller dosages, learn the ropes, work yourself up. That method will pay dividends in the end.

And regarding light and darkness. My opinions on this are that both need room to be embraced, be seen for what they are. I think inherent to humans and life itself - there is a dissolving and mixing of both; one couldn't exist without the other. I believe that they both require your recognition and acceptance 'as they are', but not your attention or focus. Both as much an influence on the whole of Life as the other. Ime/imo ..it's all the same in the end.

<3

Just watched Avatar again and it made me think about your comments, particularly, the surrendering to life... Perhaps we are and always have been part of something much more than our own mortal bodies...

sorry for late response. Been away a while. I have been reflecting on your light and darkness thoughts. Recognition and acceptance is something I think I need to Face. I am considering signing up to an Ayahuasca retreat in a few weeks as I still feel a bit of unfinished business. Can't explain it, accept to say that I have crossed a rubicon and whilst it has absolutely re-prioritised my life, it has raised some significant issues that is now in my focus - perhaps a reflection that I am always now mindful of the moment rather than living in the past - and that means my fear of death, my fear of insignificance, my fear of regrets, and my own mortality... Eeek..

I've been there multiple times. You'll read, you'll learn. This experience will fade away, unless you're unwilling to learn.

Currently my favorite read before tripping:

Hey, DMTsalad

You came to the perfect place. Reading everyone's replies above, it's great!

I have had a terrifying emotional experience just from smoking it in the wrong set and setting. Same thing; FELT IRREPARABLY DAMAGED in my soul, sheer panic and horror + unable to calm myself down. I was, for a couple days, fully regretful of ever trying DMT, even though I'd had 3 profound experiences with it before this.
Except in your case, this lasted about 3 hours (which is why I'm not doing pharma until the conditions are perfect! Thanks for helping me learn that!)

You survived and learned a deep lesson that I think would be impossible to learn without going through what you did. Use humor as much as possible and keep being grateful as you already are, is my best advice from my newbie perspective
And also forgive yourself and stop being so hard on yourself! Nobody's perfect! I think you were "punished" MORE than enough after reading your account, so no need to add more mental punishment to yourself by calling yourself stupid, I urge you.

Nice report, thanks for sharing. Much love!

Thanks Ufostrahlen,

I'm grateful for your comments and reflections. Ths willingness to learn is completely understood! On reflection, the set and setting was wrong, plus I made it myself and probably did too good a job (ie isuing a blender so it was ulimately pulp), therefore no idea in the end of the potency. Realised it was arogant of me to think I could do this on my own.

Hi Tom.

Thanks for your reply and I appreciate your comments. Lot's of lessons for me and your words around irreparably damaged etc resonate! What a tough one!

Update 6 weeks on.

Positive
I am more clear about my priorities in life and what is important. It's made me re-evaluate what I do with my time etc.

I'm more mindful than I have ever been.

I listen more and consider others more.

Negative
Because it was a death-like experience, I have developed a panic /anxiety disorder since, and spend many days cripped with fear about: dying, what's the point of life, making wrong decisions, past decisions, getting older etc etc etc.

Just started SSRIs from the Doctor to try and calm me down and allow me to function normally.

On that note, unable to function normally in society currently.

Thoughts
I suspet that I had an underlying mental health condition (anxiety, panic, maybe depression), and the whole experience of dying and introspective regret has brought this to the surface in full glory.

Life is really hard. I'm only 40 but feel that my life is fleeting away. I worry about everything now.

A huge part of me wishes I could undo the experience, but then we can say that about all life's mistakes and so the issue is about integation and moving on.

Going to take time I guess.

Feel free to ask questions or challenge anything. That's what I value most from the site.

Hi DMTsalad,

I'm sorry to hear that you have been feeling so bad recently. Take your time to work things through and most importantly, keep on going, keep on doing. Sometimes finding distractions can help you to get along with life, while your struggles and issues work themselves out in the back of your head. Don't feel bad about yourself and don't get in a rut about it.

From the initial description above, it looks like you got somewhat traumatized by the intensity of and the lack of psychological safety during your experience. A classical case of bad set and setting. The set was bad because you were unprepared for what you were about to go through and the setting was bad because you were not feeling safe enough to work through to experienced material while it happened.

You are quite right that what has been done cannot be undone. That is life and it happens all the time to all of us. Don't feel bad about any underlying conditions, these are also quite common. Just not everyone stumbles into them in the same way. See it as a chance to work through the issues. It can be done and I am sure you will feel better afterwards, although I realise that me saying this may not feel quite credible to you at this point.

I am not sure if it is right to say this, but while things cannot be undone, they can sometimes be re-done. More specifically I mean that sometimes the best remedy for a bad trip is a good trip. Obviously that is not an option for now, as you are on SSRI's. It may also not an option for you now simply because you are still too overwhelmed by the upheavals you experienced.

But I do want to recommend you to keep this in mind: just as a psychedelic experience - when done right can be of tremendous help to work through stuck personal issues in general, it can also be the right tool to work through a traumatic trip. Evidently, a proper set and setting is paramount. Might you at some later point decide to evaluate this option, be sure to thoroughly investigate both your emotional situation (which you should be doing now anyway) and what sort of safe environment you would require to again face what has upset you so much that last time. Such safety may not be realistically available, but being aware of ones needs helps a lot to give a feeling of self-responsibility and emotional empowerment that may in turn generate some sense of internal safety. Such internal safety is much more powerful than any external one and actually part of the desirable outcome.

In any case, be well!