Hello Nexus! I've been quietly lurking here for almost a year and decided it was time for me to officially join the community. Up until 6 months ago the only substance I tried was marijuana. I have always had a curiosity about entheogens. I suppose I didn't run with a crowd that held the same curiosities as I did and was never in a situation where anything other than marijuana was available to me. Unfortunately (that's how I felt about it at the time) my college days provided mw with even less opportunity for experimentation as drug testing was a weekly occurrence and once again my circle of friends did not feel the same as I did about these substances. Up until I graduated I had only known about mushrooms and LSD. Although legal, salvia was never on my radar. I suppose those 50X YouTube videos didn't make it seem like a good idea. I put it in the same category I put bath salts in now. It was right before I graduated that I heard about the Spirit Molecule movie but it was another 2 years until I saw it. Once I had a chance to see it I lost interest in mushrooms and LSD and focused my attention on DMT. It was another 3 years before I re-watched the movie and began serious research on DMT. IT was then that I discovered this community.
Here I am today and after a handful of breakthrough vaporized DMT experiences and many more sub breakthroughs I have a new perspective on life. For as long as I can remember I have always been going through a bit of an existential crisis. When I was 7ish I woke up in the middle of the night and walked into the living room where my father had just put in the instant classic movie Waterworld. I walked in on the opening scene describing the ice caps melting and destroying the world. I began to obsess over the possibility of the wold as we know it coming to an end. I knew that it would not happen in my lifetime but knowing that it might happen to someone else in the future tormented me. It seems silly but that movie terrified and haunted me. To make things worse I was brought to the local planetarium a year or so later and listened to the presenter talk about how one day, billions of years from now the universe will eventually destroy itself. On top of that, before the big bang there was apparently nothing. I couldn't wrap my head around either of those concepts. I would spend the days wondering what there would be if there was nothing, or how easy it would have been for me not to exist at all. These thoughts as well as others sent me into a sort of secret depression that went on until my late teens. At times I felt like I was having out of body experiences where I was just watching myself being depressed and felt like there was nothing I could do about it.
Eventually I was able to live my life without these thoughts and feelings getting in the way. They were still there but manageable. I tell you all this because after watching The Spirit Molecule, I felt like DMT might be able to help me truly come to grips with the thoughts that had tormented me throughout most of my life. I knew it wouldn't be the answer, but I felt like it could be the guide I needed. After a few months of learning as much as I could here at the Nexus I decided it was time to begin my first extraction.
Apparently the universe did not believe I was truly ready for DMT. During the final pull of my defat step, I spun around a little too quickly and knocked my precip dish to the floor. I managed to catch it before all the naphtha spilled onto the floor. After I let it evap, I was left with only 30mg. Before smoking it for the first time I decided to talk to my fiancee about DMT I had just extracted, my intentions, and my reasoning. Unfortunately, I found that she does not feel the same way as I do about entheogens. She made it quite clear that she did not approve and didn't want to have anything to do with it. she told me to do what I wanted and leave her out of it. This left me in a predicament. As much as I love her and want to be with her for the rest of my life, I felt strongly about needing to experience DMT. I decided to smoke it without her knowledge or approval. Before doing so I decided to try one more time to speak with her about DMT and my intentions. Once again she did not take it well. I told her that I would get rid of it. She didnt believe I would and was convinced I would do it anyway...I did.
I know it is not ideal, and many of you may think that doing DMT behind the back of their fiancee is disrespectful to her and to the molecule. I will not be married for about a year and will not be living with her until we are married. Until then I will be using this time to have the psychedelic experiences I will not be able to have once we are married and living together. I have read the threads about drug compatibility within a relationship and know how things can turn ugly. I guess I will have to find out the hard way. I dont know that she will ever feel the way I do about drugs, but what I do know is that in the course of a few years, her perception on drugs is slowly changing. She knows my interest and I tell her about new studies and findings all the time. She listens and does not seem nearly as bothered by it as time goes on. You may not feel I am approaching this situation the right way but for better or worse here I am.
My first time vaping DMT was truly life changing. It was no breakthrough but I feel like it was more powerful in some ways than the breakthroughs I have had since then. I could see each of my breaths crashing across the universe. I felt the love of everyone I ever knew washing over me. I knew that I could never know everything and that it was useless to let the "what ifs" control my life. There was a whole universe of weight removed from my shoulders. Suddenly all the yoga teachings I learned growing up made sense (did I forget to mention my parents have owned a successful yoga studio my entire life?). I wanted to call up my mother and tell her that I understand and that the practices made more sense now than ever. Not all of my DMT trips have been so bright and cheery. My first breakthrough I felt like I was drowning in a bubbling vortex of water. It was terrifying. Another time I witnessed my face melt off. Id did so in a glorious colorful horrifying fashion. Needless to say I have never used chewing tobacco again and doubt I ever will.
It has been hard being alone in the DMT world. Having someone to talk to about my experiences is essential. Fortunately for me, my long time childhood friend had recently told me about a growing interest in mushrooms. I couldn't help him with that but I did offer up DMT. So far he has partaken in 3 sub breakthrough experiences with me as his sitter. It has been wonderful being able to speak freely with him about our experiences. One day I will be able to share these experiences with my fiancee. If not, I will at least have one person in this world other than those of you on this forum who I can talk to. I know that at some point, my decision to keep this a secret may turn on me during a trip and at that point I will stop. I would gladly give up DMT to save my relationship and hope that one day it will come back into my life. I am just grateful for the powerful experiences I have had and am happy that this molecule has helped me to come to terms with the thoughts that I struggled with as a child.
Sorry for the wall of text. I could likely type a whole novel given the chance so I will cut it off here. I just want to say thank you to everyone on this site. Your collective knowledge has helped me in so many ways. From learning the different extraction methods, to helping me to come to terms with difficult trips, Nexus members have always been there to help and share. I only hope that I can return the favor to others in the future as well as you all have helped me.