Ive read quite a bit of posts in these forums and I decided it's about time I register on here.
I became interested in psychedelics and especially DMT since an early age. Late at night I would watch videos on youtube on things that interested me such as quantum physics, a fourth spatial dimension, time, and eventually psychedelics. I didn't always understand what I was watching, but I was fascinated by these ideas.
When I was a junior in high school I started experimenting with marijuana and starting in college, I experimented with LSD. Later, in my freshman year I tried DMT for the first time and had an incredible breakthrough. Unfortunately, I don't remember a lot of the things that happened in this first experience, but I do remember incredible, ecstatic, even orgasmic feelings of awe, and a feeling that I have tapped into some information network where I realized how everything and everyone is connected. Not only all this, but the visuals I were seeing were absolutely beautiful. I told myself I had to learn how to draw sometime. I have not yet, but there is time for me to do this still!
I have tried DMT one more time since then, but my fear for a breakthrough lead me to only take 2 small hits. I still thoroughly enjoyed the experience, and in fact felt the feeling I was scared of feeling. It was an unsettling existential disappointment type of feeling which I can't fully describe. during the trip I accepted what was happening, and the trip took a much more positive turn which I am glad. Still, now I need to think about why I have such existential fears.
Fear is one thing that has negatively affected my life a lot. From a young age I started getting acne which became severe. This, along with other factors, lead to me having pretty severe socially anxiety all the way up until freshman year of college when I finally started getting rid of this. I cleared up my acne, started working out, and started going to raves. MDMA had a huge part in dissolving this fear. I learned that it is ok to be happy RIGHT NOW and that I want to make friends with anyone I can. I also learned that people don't judge me as much as I thought they did and that dancing can be incredibly freeing if you don't care what people think about your dancing.
My fears are more than that though. I also fear about my health, my families health, and I am scared of change. Worst of all, though, is a fear I can't reason with. It is the feeling that something is fundamentally wrong or scary about existence. I don't know how to describe it, but one thing that scares me is time. I see time(and therefore time-based experience) as either continuing forever, or stopping at some point. Both of these possibilities scare me. Time going on forever(or consciousness lasting forever) scares me the most though. I feel like this would make you go crazy!
Hopefully by continuing my mindfulness meditation and loving-kindness meditation practices, I can remove some of these fears. When I am not thinking about these fears though, I live a very happy life now. I don't want to sound egotistical, but I am a pretty damn good musician. I love creating songs and playing various instruments, and I especially love improvising on the piano and guitar.
I don't know how this all ties together with DMT or if I wrote too much for anyone to care, but I think DMT is an incredible psychedelic and I hope that I can learn from it more when I am ready to experience it again sometime in the future. I also hope this forum will help me communicate ideas I have and encourage me to learn more about these incredible experiences.