Do we know what delusions are ? If we look at what has been said we could decide to view it as ....... " I decided to heal myself so i did it " or " I decidecd to heal myself with amounts of drugs that have no or next to no effects so i did it " .

What subjectivity is ? If i have green socks on on wednesdays i get much higher when i smoke . As i like myself i must be right . That and my subjective view of what i did and what happened prove that i am right .


Did the microdoseing " cure " us or was it the intent , the belief and the effort ?

I am using terms accepted by consensus reality. The traction we have in this world requires we integrate our experiences into words that consensus reality can accept.

By comparison to tryptamine hallucinations, those brought on by the muscarinic cholinergic signalling cascade are far more wild, more terrifying, more unreal and abstractly hyper-intelligent. I have memories of looking at a tiled wall in a lucid, coherent state of mind, capable of holding polite conversation with anyone, yet simultaneously I was witnessing every single tile as a mystical television portal to a singular message. In one tile were hands coming together and shaking in agreement over and over again, like a gif of a meme. In other tiles were visions of my future self. Other tiles contained spirit entities with direct messages for me. All tiles were 'playing' their message at once, so it was beyond overwhelming to look at and think critically about. Simultaneously, there were bugs crawling over everything, giant ants marching in lines across the ceiling as clear as day. I could even shake them off of me when I saw them climbing on my hospital blanket. Yet, I was lucid enough to keep my mouth shut, meditate through it all, and even negotiate the terms of my coming psychiatric care (I didn't like the doctor that interviewed me at bedside and told me about a few days of required monitoring, and I transferred out to another hospital with a more empathetic psychiatrist). I ended up having a good experience at the hospital I transferred to. I'm glad I knew my rights as a patient, lol. It ended up being better to switch to a milder doctor after the hardest part of the delirium had passed. Meeting a new friendly face was better than dealing with a doctor that had seen me at my worst moments. It really did work out incredibly well.

So what part was delusion if it all ended up informing me of things related to my existential predicament? None of it, in my humble opinion. I'm just happy and grateful the intensity of that non-ordinary state of consciousness decreased over time, and a stabilized consensus reality returned. Life is easier when your view of the world agrees with everyone elses.

"They called me mad, and I called them mad, and damn them, they outvoted me." --Nathaniel Lee






So this is a really great question related to the phenomena of the self-fulfilling prophecy. It's something everyone needs to work out on their own. If you strictly listen to outside criticism, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. But contrary to this, if you take a spiritual perspective (a fully self-realized perspective), all personal experience is real and meaningful. If your self-fulfilling prophecy was delusional from the outside, but it somehow filled your life with love and abundance and healing for everyone around you, then what would you call this oxymoronic outcome? I would call it the Hero's Journey because you went through the unknown and came back to the ordinary world with something meaningful. It's an expression of crazy wisdom, which is paradoxical, and cannot be understood intellectually. You have to study it for yourself to understand it. This is an observer-based phenomena, not an object-based science.

I am going to continue updating this thread as I feel inspired. I have a lot to write about.

A personal friend of mine, whom has had mental health issues off and on during his adult life, recently experienced another break from reality. In 2011 he recovered from a psychosis that lasted 3 years. During this time he could barely care for his basic needs. As a tall, strong, highly intelligent fully grown adult, he was almost dangerous to be around because it was impossible to predict what he might do next. He might wander off and get into trouble. He might lay in the street during traffic. He might break things destructively. He talked in tongues and scared anyone in ear shot in a chilling sort of way. His family didn't lock him up, but instead tried to help him work through it with counseling and love. He was on psychiatric medications for a year.

Since then he went back to school, became a videographer, and began making documentaries. He's a very talented guy. He's cool, he's likable, he does well with women, he's creative, and has an enormous heart. And he began opening up to spiritual aspects of reality in a way that he wasn't ready for before. He's done a lot of hard work of growing up.

This time, his break from reality came with the first of two eclipses. He began acting strangely, then his dog went missing, and he spiraled downward into a place of total lost isolation within his own mind. I spent some time with him, talking, being silent, being present for him, and observing him. He had energies flowing through him like a river of current he could not fight, had no control over, etc. He was manifesting something that was beyond the belief structure of his family. He would go back and forth between states of what appeared to be possession, to a writhing agony of discomfort, back to a loving presence that lasted as long as I could maintain eye contact without fear.

He's been intelligently destructive. It's as if he doesn't want to be destructive at all, but what he is experiencing is so hard, and so unbelievable, he has to express it such that others can witness. His family has been monitoring him for his well being and safety. He appears to want/need to manifest his frustration in a way that everyone can understand. He's broken valuables, caused minor structural damage to his family's home, and generally made messes of everything in ways that are rather clever. I say clever because the messes he makes (involuntarily) affect people in very sly ways. He's putting kinks in the armor of their egos. He is opening his family in a spiritual capacity and forcing them to examine their own lives, their own beliefs, and the importance of life as practice. The entire family is undergoing a kind of renaissance in the wake of this delusional state he has been in. They are talking about difficult topics, and addressing old wounds, making light of decades old secrets. They are healing as a collective unit. It's unbelievable to witness from the perspective of someone that has grown up in the west.

So why is this in the microdosing thread then?

I put this here because the family wouldn't have believed a transformation was possible had it not been for witnessing my personal transformation, and from hearing about my success working with traditional plant based medicines. My stories have given them a sense of awe and wonder. I believe this friend would have gotten locked up out of fear had I not entered their lives in the way that I have. I feel like a grounding rod for the ecstatic energy they all began experiencing when this friend slipped back into psychosis. I became a beacon of hope that psychiatry wasn't able to fully help them with the last time this happened. Yet I did nothing besides be present with compassion. I gave no direct recommendations of any kind. I simply offered my calm presence while the family worked through what they needed to work through.

His family was forced to end the psychosis state when they nearly got electrocuted after a flood occurred in their home one destructive night. They ended the state of psychosis with psychiatric medication, and are now tapering him off and transitioning him to begin working with a shaman. I believe this hybrid approach of modern and old world approaches is good for him because this is the world we are finding ourselves in now. Treat crisis states in a way that protects the safety of everyone, but have faith in something bigger, deeper than we can possibly imagine as human beings.

What's interesting to note is that these delusional states of consciousness are only acutely dangerous to the untrained mind, IMHO. Meditation practice + work with ayahuasca has taught me that all storms will pass in time. If you accept what is happening to you, there becomes no need to be destructive. Being destructive is a means of experimenting with reality, and is only necessary until a moment of deeper realization of the nature of reality occurs. Then the choice between creating or destroying is obvious no matter how intense the suffering may become, nor how terrified we may feel. Life is a one-way street in this regard.

I wouldn't have intimate personal understanding of these things without working through similar myself (albeit not as extreme). I feel blessed to have been born into this body, into this lineage, and to have united with the spirit of ayahuasca, which has taught me so many incredible things. The work required to get through this type of internal trauma is so unbelievably hard that a personal transformation is mandatory in order to make the journey. Personal transformation is both necessary for, and the direct product of the inner journey. Making sense of deeper reality changes everything, inside and out. It is so hard to believe without direct personal experience, it is completely unfathomable to most of humanity--completely unfathomable.

If you find this topic interesting and would like to learn more, watch this video lecture.

You are truly a champion of the nexus. The service you are doing is beyond the scope of any other forum.

Fantastic work Warrior

Words cannot begin to express how wonderful it has been to come upon this thread & read your accounts Warrior.

I can relate on so many levels, in so many ways.

Thank you so very, very much.

May peace be with us all, every step of the way.

Thanks Doc Buxin and Just.Ask.The.Axis! Positive feedback is deeply meaningful to me. I feel blessed to live in a time in which these experiences can be shared.

Ok. This thread needs a bump!

It's been a month...How are you getting along with the micro-dosing now Warrior?

I'm very interested in this topic & haven't heard from you lately.

Just would like to hear how it's going....

I'm hoping all is well with you & yours!

Yes, I've been inspired by this thread, and would be interested too! I tried to microdose Rue and Acacia and had some mixed experiences that included positive, life-enhancing effects like increased openness and clarity, and negative effects like feeling tired and spacey. I think the issue for me has been a high level of sensitivity to these medicines, as roughly just 350mg of each seems like too much for daily use, in my case.

Wow, wonderful thread! I always hear the bet things about microdosing Ayahuasca, so it is interesting to hear it with analogs as well! I havent really done much with microdosing yet, but so many people recommend it and say the best things about it....

I know a lot of people who just microdose caapi vine alone with no DMT in it as well - they seem to experience similar benefits to what you mentioned here. I think that would especially be a good way for people new to Ayahuasca or its analogs to start a relationship with the plants - gentle yet powerful.

One friend shared a pretty interesting recipe with me a while back - he gets powdered caapi and mixes it into hot milk and oats and honey. He says the milk/oats/honey settles the stomach and also helps it absorb the caapi better - and every person I have heard from who tries this says it tastes "excellent." Not okay, but excellent! They make it really runny with just a little oats and it seems to work with any type of milk or milk substitute. I have heard people using anywhere from 10-30 grams of powdered vine per serving.....

Thanks for sharing your experiences so far - very inspiring to read!

Hey guys, thanks for your interest.

A fascinating realization I've had recently is that the more you accept your life situation with full, unconditional openness, the less attached to it as identity you become. Paradoxical truth. Accept the old you wish wasn't true, and watch it morph and change before your very eyes. It's almost as if the very words in the dictionary change meaning with every life change I've accepted (not really, but the reality-shifting nature feels almost like this).

My life is full of changes right now. I hate being "busy", but one of the caveats to opening yourself to major changes is that there isn't any couch time left after it all begins. It's been a river of personal development work + working on social entanglements to improve my life, and everyone around me. It's impossible to be happy in isolation if you have friends and family that are far from happy.

My life continues to be filled with bizarre, surreal moments. There are many new people and experiences happening all the time. I barely recognize my own life, there's been so much change.


Notes regarding my microdosing experience:

1). Periodic heavy sessions are still deeply helpful. I got "busy" for awhile and was only microdosing (without any deep, higher dose night sessions). As a result, life entanglements began feeling more complicated and taxing. Going into a purgative session of Aya is of great value and benefit for getting my emotional state straight regarding these things that tend to bog me down. It grounds me in my body and helps me let go.

2). Integrating meditation insight is much easier for me these days. It feels natural and easy.

3). Going in and out of Aya experiences has become very smooth. It has come to feel like a natural extension of my ordinary reality. In fact, it feels like a part of me was previously underdeveloped, and after doing personal development work in Aya/DMT space, this other part of me has had an opportunity to grow up. It's beyond recognizing my path. It is a calling.

4). I've become more skilled at meditating in general, and as a result, the perceived 'meditation benefit' I once had from a microdose of Aya is not as compelling to me as it once was. I've become more comfortable and liberal with low to medium Aya doses for meditation purposes. Fear of breaking into hyperspace by accident isn't something that limits me the same way now.

5). My tolerance of the MAOI memory fog has gotten better. I believe this is the result of learning to live my life more poetically, with skill and ease--rather than a purely biochemical explanation. I feel like I am a much more effective human being. Memory fog was mildly impairing to me before. In contrast, I now believe I was clinging to my declarative memory in an attempt to control everything. Now it feels like I have greater trust in myself, and I allow myself to act without thinking, without planning--allow myself to act on subtle intuitive cues. As a result, I spend a lot more of my life "doing", rather than living in my head worrying about remembering inane things. And I spend more of my time feeling confident about who I am, and what I am doing here. It's created a feed-forward cycle of confidence building work.

There is a pattern emerging in my life now. Obvious for awhile, but the more time I sit with it and observe, the more clear to me the cyclic nature of all experience is, right down to my own actions and folly, and that of pretty much every living being I have ever witnessed. When I was in my youth I denied my heightened emotional experiences were real and happening. In my twenties I tried to compensate for them, usually through exhaustive diet and exercise rituals. Being completely self-absorbed in athletic endeavors, academic studies, and duties as a research associate in biological science was a great way to avoid social troubles associated with mildly stormy mood issues. I just exhausted myself in as many capacities as possible, while still balancing the need for physical rest. I feel taking my sleep needs seriously for athletic reasons also helped me tune into my body's needs more, giving myself permission to lay low and let my body rest when it needed rest, and avoid the social pressures of going out, juggling an active social life, etc.

But the problem that I have faced more recently are the downstream results of being self-absorbed in my own little world for so long. It turns out I missed out developing a lot of social skills that others take for granted. Now getting very good at adult social stuff feels like adult swim class, or learning a foreign language--learning happens, but it takes some time and practice. For most of my adult life I kept all my friends and family from back home at a distance. I was an apple that fell far from the tree, but everyone's best intentions were to "help" me by bringing my life closer to the way of the tree. But they couldn't help me because no one had the depth of emotional understanding required to explain to me what I was feeling and experiencing on a near daily basis. I learned to survive first by adding structure to my life (diet, sleep, exercise). Then meditation practice + keeping a journal became essential tools to me. It's manageable, but a very, very hard path, (at least for now). The climb is always uphill, it feels like.

I am writing this from a perspective I haven't written in awhile. This perspective is that of no ceremony of any kind for over a month, and no microdosing for about two months. Resources have been scant, and time for cooking has been limited. I pushed through some major life challenges with success, then sank into a home based routine that now feels like the beginning of a rut, (or what would have been a rut years ago). I don't feel pessimistic to life anymore in the way I used to fall victim to (suicidal ideation, to be specific). The reason for this is because I don't believe that is a valid choice, for spiritual reasons. It hurts people that love me too much, and based on direct personal experience, the last time I went down that road I was greeted by entities that told me to keep going. That experience is kind of hard to argue with. But rather than look at life as spiritual entrapment, a bard-like state of existence, I would rather see it as a mysterious puzzle to be unraveled and explored. Wonder and love await around every corner if I remember to stay centered, open my heart, and find the good in every moment. Be patient and let it come to me.

I have been working with someone that has become a very close friend of mine. He is a traditional medicine man of over 30 years. He has introduced me to Bufo alvarius venom and San Pedro in the last few months. I had a very high dose San Pedro tea experience that was completely life altering. I felt like I needed a little break after that one, so I focused on meditation and work for awhile. Then the toad venom had a similar affect. There's something different about doing these things in traditional context of ceremony that makes the level of seriousness go way up, and also the personal integration challenges after. In some ways it is easier, but I also have never submitted myself to any processes outside of me very willingly before now.

I have a particularly strong ego. Ego death by myself when I am depressed is one thing (it's like a temporary suicide that I recover from with fresh eyes). But doing it around a fire with drums, rattles, wild tobacco, and a small group of others is a whole other ballgame entirely. I have learned so much about the serious aspects of this work that I almost wish I could go back to being naive and deliriously optimistic about the magic and wonder of the world. What I have learned is that this stuff really is tremendously hard work. It is so terrifying to go straight into without looking back, it is just completely unbelievable. I feel my understanding forces me to stand on my own two feet as an adult in this wild world in a way I never fathomed. It is more wild than consensus reality would ever admit to itself. I feel completely raw and exposed to the wildness of life, but the only thing I can do is keep going, keep building, keep creating, keep working to foster love and harmony in my circles of friends and family, and stay centered through it all. This is a calling. To anyone reading this, the point of no going back is crossed before you know it. There's no going back when you have confirmed for yourself the unspeakable truths of your reality. ...Barring amnesia, I suppose. But even then, if you have learned to make decisions from the heart, from intuition, your wisdom is still with you. Deep down you know too much.

Now I feel myself yearning to reconnect with the spirit of Ayahuasca. It has been my best ally, and my emotional compass, and my lens for clear thinking amidst the ocean of emotional fog that settles in between ceremonies, between microdoses, etc. I yearn to see from the mountaintop of peak experience with the clarity of eternity to shine down on my path. That's how I feel right now, which is a much healthier perspective than secretly walking around thinking about suicidal thoughts and feeling anger at the world for life not feeling less unfair and absurdly awful. This connection allows me the opportunity to develop a more right view and understanding of how it is that everything is. I never ever would have given up my previous belief system in order to outgrow my old problems without developing this connection and understanding with the source of everything with Ayahuasca. There is just no way I could have overcome all of my ridiculously difficult tendencies from traumas experienced so long ago. I was a broken human being with an internally corrupt narrative that was capable of lying to myself and convincing myself I was right. I was wrong. Science was my shield, and I was wrong. I was just a self-absorbed ass. In order to continue growing as a human being I have had to give up acting like a know-it-all ass of a human being.

That's the status of my microdosing right now. My status is 1) enjoying the freedom of no MAOI in my system, but 2) missing the clarity to stay present that I feel when using it as a tool in my life.

That's what this is. This is a tool for improving your life. Specifically, it is a tool for restoring your well being, changing your behavior and changing your thinking by fundamentally 'correcting' your beliefs to more accurately represent reality.

Our beliefs limit us. Our beliefs hold us back. Doing the work to change my own has helped me overcome the cycle of traumas I previously believed was what life was all about.


Thank you for reading my long-winded posts. I am grateful for every reader I can reach whether you ever post or not. Thank you.

Just wanted to say I love reading your updates and I hope you continue to check in like this!

Once more I thank you, Warrior, for sharing your experience with us!

Your writings are a joy to read & I feel myself internally cheering you on as you gain more & more insight & wisdom about yourself, the Universe & Everything.

I can really relate to crossing "the point of no going back", seeing as I crossed that point many decades ago. My entire adult life has been constant work on myself & the seemingly infinite amount of universes inside me.

I so appreciate hearing other's takes on their journeys, especially when they are as well-written & insightfully put as your's.

Thanks again & may peace be with us all.

Know, Warrior,
that you have spoken to me,
through time and space,
coming from that one place,
and you moved me.

Blessings, and I hope you Integrate well.

This was very interesting, thanks for the contribution to the psychedelic experiment! I have a friend who has been treated for depression with various SSRIs (which personally I don't believe they do jack for depression) and he hates them. They zombify him, make him moody, the withdrawal is terrible, and he recently came to me for advice on alternative treatments to depression.
My girlfriend and I had been doing research on micro doses of p. Cubensi mushrooms and I suggested it to him. We made him up some capsules with 300 mg of powdered mushrooms and decided he should take one every 3-4 days (although he prefers every 2-3). And he believes it has been very beneficial to him over the past two months he has been taking the micro doses.

.

I love this thread & have not visited it for a long while now.

So, a little update.

Four months ago my wife & I ended up making a radical life-change. We finally obtained some good quality farm land here, deep in the boondocks of NorCal.

We decided, after much deliberation & deep thought, to purchase a tiny home built on a trailer to live in on this piece of land.

It has been an incredibly trying time for our souls. There have been as many rich rewards as there have been tears & pain in the whole experience so far. Now at the "Eyes Of Spring" (February 4th, halfway between Winter Solstice & Vernal Equinox) we are seeing the first fruits of our intense labors push forth. Hope is in our hearts once more rather than an uneasy feeling of "what on earth did we get ourselves into here?".

As it is, we have been pulling long, heavy-work-load days between developing a homestead in the middle of an old olive grove, getting both a nursery (bouquet flowers, Chinese herbs, culinary herbs, bonsai trees) business & a farmers' market business (aformentioned products + herbal medicine products, kitchen/home products & food plants) going as well as keeping our herbal pharmacy & acupuncture clinic going in town (now a 20 mile commute). Needless to say, it has been back-breaking, time-intensive work, not to mention the daily chores of doggy care, chicken care & household maintenance (e.g. emptying the gray water & pee water tanks, collecting rain water, daily & weekly generator maintenance since we're off grid, emptying the composting toilet (fun-fun!), etc.)

In one of my last posts here on the nexus before taking an extended break, I mentioned that I had taken a hiatus from psychedelics due to the intensity of moving our whole household out to the middle of nowhere.

Well, after the first month when we were somewhat settled in, I realized just how much work we had ahead of us & thought, "this is THE time to be micro-dosing several days per week".

So, I'm here to report that it has been an incredible time of growing & maturing mentally, emotionally & spritually (not to mention getting more buffed physically than I have been since my 30's!!! ).

I have been micro-dosing on Psilocybin mushroom tincture, LSD tincture & a blend of the two, 3 days per week. It has helped immensely in more ways than can be put into words.

It seems to not only give me a clear, concise level of energy throughout the day, but it also seems to keep me much more level headed when the "shit hits the fan", so to speak.

Having been a psychedelic head for 30+ years now & having been through extremely intense journeys with relatively high to ridiculously heroic doses most of the time, I now find that micro-dosing is a much more palatable, peaceful, productive way for me to enjoy, learn & grow from psychedelics.

Not only that, but when I feel that occassional "tug" for hyperspatial travels (the unmistakable feeling of "this IS the time, do it NOW or WAIT until you feel this way again" ), my DMT journeys have been wonderously amazing. The three breakthrough DMT trips I've managed to make time for in the past few months have had none of the "why the heck are you here?" or the "you again?!? Why, we're going to turn your mind inside out & backwards you little punk" vibe that I have sometimes experienced from the hyperspatial beings (particularly the royalty in those realms). Rather, these journeys have been lavishly welcoming & comforting to my soul; confirming to me that I am indeed on the right life track, so to speak & helping me have the courage & vision to move forward with our endeavors.

Anyway, I thought I would share that little tidbit.

I wish you all peace & contentment, as always

Hey Doc, thanks for sharing! That sounds like an incredible move. I am happy to hear of your ventures in the world.

I have been experimenting going back and forth with San Pedro microdosing and Aya (as described here). I find that they even help integrate each other as microdoses, and serve mildly different roles in the daily sense. I love microdosing as much as full experiences these days. I feel that my spiritual work came full circle to the realization that the transcendental and objective planes of reality are one in the same, and ever since then I haven't felt compelled to do as much deep work. Right now my work is in life traction on the consensus plane, and grounded work that just needs to be done. My existence is here, and I am working to put my energy to good use.

Good to hear Warrior...

I am in the process of rooting several San Pedros as we speak. Wish me luck...

It's been a long time since I've employed any cactus in my life. It feels about time to invite the desert-dwellers back into it.

Much peace to all of us.

Hey Everybody,

The personal work on myself never ends. I haven't been microdosing Aya as much this year because sacred cactus has been fitting in better. Dropping the MAOI allowed me to live more flexibly in the social world, which has been an area of tremendous growth for me. For most of my adult life I have been a loner. Now I have more best friends than I can count and name without forgetting people. My friends are amazing. I have the coolest friends.

Sacred cactus microdosing has helped me a lot with playing music. It also seems to show me my triggers of when things get me emotionally worked up (by exaggerating the feeling to a point I can't ignore). This has been good transition for me. Microdosing Aya allowed me to integrate many of the lessons of deeper experiences, and enhance my sitting meditations. Sacred cactus microdosing has done similar, but the benefit carries forward off the cushion into the delicate balance of lived life.

My family are constantly playing catch up to my changing world. I have become very content in life overall, to a fearless capacity they have trouble understanding. For example, later this year I plan to spend some time in Peru to live there, to write more about my experiences since waking up from a coma, to experience traditional group ceremony, to learn more directly from working shamans of the jungle. My grandfather passed away from ALS 11 years ago, and I would like to make this trip in honor of him. I have spoken to family members about how this really could be a way to reverse neurodegenerative illness. I spoke to them about Aya experiences reuniting me with him through equanimous insight. They are speechless, lol. They ask "what will people think?" and can't even begin talking about the trip, the implications, union with deceased relatives, searching for a cure to brain disease ahead of science in the developed world, etc, etc. They are spell bound, paralyzed, unable to parse this information.

Thanks for reading. I love you all!