Hello Nexus,

I'm writing on behalf of my dear friend, Cat, who is currently undergoing what she describes as a "splitting" of herself. She went through a very traumatic childhood, unimaginably traumatic, and has attempted suicide on multiple occasions.

When she was 15, she took an overdose and had a near death experience. For all intents and purposes, she was dead. They were about to pull the plug, and then miraculously, she came back. Since that time, she has been a nexus for strange and supernatural experience, verified by other people in her life.

We met in a synchronous way through an internet forum and met up to do healing work together, processing our pasts. We used MDMA three times and on the last session, we took a very small dose of LSD, about half a hit each, and it turned into a pretty hellish trip. Since that time, she has been having "episodes" of catatonia and feeling like she is "splitting" into two people. She feels an all consuming rage that she likens to Mr. Hyde and says that if it takes over, she will not be able to be controlled. She says it is compelling her to do very disturbing things and if she is taken over, she will be a threat to herself and others.

Before our meeting, she was considering a trip to Ecuador to do ayahuasca. She woke up from a dream saying Santiago, and then found a shamanic center there that has a shaman named Santiago. Now that she is splitting, she feels her only recourse is to go there and confront all the darkness, the lifetime of trauma and pent up rage at an utterly despondent family.

I'm basically the only person in her life, and I am terrified. She can't call upon her family, and she cut out all her old unhealthy friends. I want to get her to a Jungian, because she says she'd rather die than go into hospital or go on meds. She's been down that path and she doesn't feel that it's an option at this point.

I'm shaking as I write this, because I love this person and I want to get her the right help. Her intuition has been calling her to Ecuador for a long time, and honestly, I don't know what other options she has. However, I'm also terrified about sponsoring this trip and having the problem exacerbated. I don't know how much longer she can fight off this "Mr. Hyde". It seems like a manifestation of the shadow, albeit in an extreme sense. I'm running out of time to make a choice and running out of money to keep us afloat.

We are basically homeless in the UK right now, staying with one of her family friends who is of absolutely no help. I'm worried about my own sanity as the stress that I've been feeling is out of control.

If she snaps and goes into hospital, she will try to kill herself.

I've seen studies that laud the potential for ayahuasca to cure things like this. I know it won't be easy, but if she can experience all of this in a supported context, do you think she has the potential to heal?

I would very much appreciate any advice you all may have, as I am on the brink of losing it myself.

Thank you.

meditation can help

start with simple breath meditation , (exhale again and again , calmly and without force) , this can help more than it may feel at this point in time

also try learning vipassana

also try getting her a job , it fills up empty time and can ease the mind

also most importantly if all this does not help seek proffesional help

Seems its a split personality disorder, if you're one of those people who likes putting a label on yourself. Personally man, i experience a similar reality. One half is dark, the other, brilliant light. Meditation helps calm the dark and allow the light to shine. I've got the idea in my head that its the ego trying to fight back for a right of passage, to claim the mind again, ultimately it is a period of metamorphosis, this idea really keeps me sane.

If she is going to go seek professional help, don't go to a psychologist, they're just going to dope her up with meds and label her, putting labels on yourself is the worst thing you can do, because then you start to manifest it more deeply within. Its best to just stay open minded, she should go to a reiki healer or buddhist monastery, talk to people who know there shit on a deeper level other than pharmaceuticals to help them get through problems, i was watching a buddhist documentary on buddhists in Thailand. One of the masters talked about the process of meditation and life in the monastery, apparently, most of them go through a dark night of the soul, before becoming free of the ego, they even have thoughts about killing themselves, to take the journey of awakening, it is not an easy one, we have been wearing a mask for so long that pulling it off does come with removing some of your skin. I have a friend, he's so split, he suffered from a marijuana psychosis like 10 years ago, he's coming back now, but its interesting seeing his perspective, how open he is, he's a very sensitive being, can see energy and everything… interesting fellow.

Its a hard situation, but the best thing to do is try to learn from the darkness for what it is, and to go to some switched on people for advice and help. Reading books written by Echkart Tolle such as The Power of Now, helped me a lot, but this is all ones own solo journey, and all the guru's in the world will not help her find truth, only she can. The Ayahuasca can help as it has the potentiality to open us up to a more positive view on the world. I think faith is the most important thing, to trust in the universe, not to believe in something, but to deeply feel that which is, thats what we all are here to cultivate, that deep awareness, where we do not define ourselves as the poor little me who the world punishes, but rather, that I AM the world and therefore i create my reality. This realisation means we have a choice, whether we feed our old habitual thought patterns, or create a more harmonious internal wiring.

The journey is not an easy one, Echkart Tolle was on the verge of suicide before he reached a point of no thought, most of us have to work for it… but that being said, those who suffer deeply, tend to also be the softest souls, the most beautiful, they tend to have a deeper knowing and understanding than most people and a deep tenderness, because they know how it feels, so they can show such deep compassion, its just time for your friend to learn this, through her own experiences and efforts, but to keep looking for truth in every corner of her mind, to be aware of her thoughts, to seek a spiritual teacher if necessary, to seek hallucinogenics if necessary… but to be a seeker of truth until the darkness dissipates in the light, and she will cast no more shadow on herself, for she will be whole.

Some very sound words from Cazman there and I also recommend the book The Power of Now as it is very useful in terms of freeing yourself from the ego and ridding oneself of any ‘thought baggage’ which weighs us all down on a daily basis and is a good suggestion if she is unwilling to seek professional help.

Regarding your issue – when you say you are worried about sponsoring this trip, will the trip not happen if you don’t sponsor it, or will she find another means to fund it?

If it is down to you, then I understand your predicament as you are obviously concerned what may happen if things take a turn for the worse. My personal thoughts are that I would be hesitant about introducing her to ayahuasca at this moment in time, with it being such a psychoactive substance the experience could go one way or the other and it sounds like she might not be in an ideal mental state at the moment, especially as you mention the negative LSD trip. My understanding is that ayahuasca brings any deep rooted issues head on, and with her having some negative past experiences and being mentally unstable at the moment it has the potential to be a harrowing experience. The flip side is of course that it could be the exact thing she needs, but... i would suggest that if you want to go down this route then do it at a later date, when she is more stable and mentally positive and not while she is going through this ‘splitting’ phase.

I dont think anyone here on the forum is capable to offer detailed medical advise on such a life-threatening mental illness and not knowing her background and not being an expert on complex mental illness we cant say for sure which method to pursue BUT it seems cautious and sensible from what youve said about LSD previously escalating her condition that psychedelics are not advisable I would suggest looking into more conventional PTSD therapy , some traumas are just too intense to be purged
with such intense psychedelic experiences/substances and could well make things worse, sometimes the softly-gradually approach is best.
I wish you both all the best please proceed with caution and dont demonise the conventional medical systems I have seen people go through it with severe acute mental illness and come out the other side well. It really is not in their interest to detain people indefinitely.

Ask yourself: is the choice I'm taking in the best interest of her? If the choice is coming from love and not from fear and is without ego, then it's the right one.

Good luck.

It is not advisable, and perhaps just an outright bad idea, for those with a history of mental health issues to engage in the use of psychedelics unless accompanied by a trained medical professional.

If the lighter alternative treatments do not work and you two insist on going this route, you should reach out to an association like MAPS for guidance.

If that was me, I'd go to a Jungian psychoanalyst doctor (not a psychologist, since these tend to only prescribe drugs without really fixing the issue). I'd just make sure it's a Jungian doctor (there are also Freudians, and Lacanians in the psychoanalysis camp). The reason why I'd suggest you research Jungian psychoanalysis it's because it's geared exactly around this type of thing: the main personality, and the Shadow personality, and how to integrate it back, into one, singular personality. Jungian psychoanalyis was made for these types of conditions.

FWIW, psychologists DO NOT prescribe drugs. They do not have this authority. Psychiatrists are the ones to dish out meds. Don't worry, it's a common mistake. Just be sure you understand the difference before telling people not to go to X person.

Also, since I've seen a few violations of a very important rule on the Nexus I ask that people responding to this post read the following: Medical emergency: what to do?

Just wanted to check in and say thank you ALL for your kind and thoughtful replies. I have been away from this site for a long time as I have been following a path mostly free from entheogens for a few years, but I remember why I love this forum.

After doing tons of research, I have decided that I won't be sponsoring her trip to Ecuador, which means she won't be going. Right now, she needs grounding and stability. Taking a potent psychedelic would rip her apart right now, and she has a very thin psychic "home" to return to, if indeed she returned at all.

She's currently homeless in the UK, and I'm trying to find her a place to live, a supported home for people in crisis. But the amazing news is that we found a true Jungian in her province, a man who worked with Jung's actual editor, who knows the territory. This is perfect for Cat, as she is also deeply interested in the archetypes and Jung, and she said the chemistry on their first meeting couldn't have been better.

It brings tears to my eyes to know that this most crucial aspect of her healing is in place and he is willing to work with her financially to make the process possible.

Again, thank you all so much for taking the time to respond. If anyone has been through this situation before and has any advice, I'm definitely open to it

Good she has you, Skitty! Looks like you are being the helping hand she needs.

I made the clarification above because it's important. That is, I know many psychologists (some Jungian) and all are truly good people who make a career out of helping others work through their problems. Work though their problems, NOT Rx meds (they can't do that).

The key to this, as you mentioned, is good chemistry between the two. A psychologist should not be a doctor / patient relationship (again, that's a psychiatrist) but instead a symbiotic partnering between two people. Sounds like you and her found this person. Kuddos!

As mentioned in the link above not all Western practitioners are bad -- you just need to find the right one.

Cheers,
a1pha

"FWIW, psychologists DO NOT prescribe drugs. They do not have this authority. Psychiatrists are the ones to dish out meds. Don't worry, it's a common mistake. Just be sure you understand the difference before telling people not to go to X person."

Thank you for finding that one out, that was a typo of mine. I know the difference rather well... ;-)