I don't believe 420 is as big over here as it is in the US of A, but last monday I believed it was a good reason to partake in some celebratory lighting up of some doobie, even though I told myself just the night before that was something I'd never do again. And the night before that, and the night before etc ad nauseam...
I've had an unhealthy relationship with cannabis for years, trumped only by my unhealthy relationship with tobacco. 'Everything in moderation' is expressly NOT my life motto I'm afraid.
I've had some good times with the herb but lately (well last couple of years) I feel it has been detrimental to so many aspects of my life. I've likened it to stumbling around with crutches, while I could run if only I threw them away.
Cannabis helped me come up with lots of great plans, and then waste my precious time of life by passively hanging around, spending all my money on weed, and isolating myself in front of a screen watching dumb shows while aimlessly doodling in my sketchbook to give this whole endeavor a false air of productivity.
I know a lot of people find positivity in their use of cannabis, and good for them, but for me personally it has become the kind of relationship where you stay together even though the love is long gone.
Last 420 I was blazing but I could feel something was off. Usually my guilty conscience would shut up after the first couple of tokes but this time I couldn't relax, and I saw very clearly how the chain would never end unless I broke it. I went to the bathroom, threw my weed and tobacco in the bowl- urinated on it too, for good measure. feelsgood.jpg
That night I went to bed at 23:15 instead of waking and baking until 2AM and I fell asleep with ease. Last night was my first weed-free evening. I met with my parents at my sister's, her boyfriend cooked a nice chili and we had a great night together. I was home before 10 PM which is when the coffeeshops (I'm in the Netherlands; I don't even think they sell coffee, just weed) close but I felt no need to go outside and get me some 'for just one more night'
Instead I went to bed with a nice book (Murry Hope; The psychology of ritual) and turned off the light well before midnight. This morning I woke up with ease and what's more important: I woke up from a very vivid dream- another thing I don't like about cannabis is how it disrupts my dreaming and dream-recall.
I've been hoping for this moment for such a long time and I'm glad it finally came.
Lately I've been wanting to return to DMT but after a few tries I really felt like my hedonistic use of cannabis got in the way of that: getting high and hanging around was so much easier than taking the train to hyperspace and being presented with real work to do, to improve myself. Not to mention I wouldn't even dare dream of trying the 5-MeO-DMT I have while still in my lazy junky mindset.
I'm nearing 37 and this meatsack won't last forever; I gotta do me some shit instead of smoke me some
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I hope you people don't mind me spewing this out on this forum. I don't mean to talk smack about a herb that helps a lot of people- I respect that.
I don't have many close friends ever since a depression a couple of years ago, and being an addict I've been hiding my use for most people around me- but this I had to get out of my system, also as a statement of intention for myself.
Peace and love everyone and wish me luck on a new-found path with a heart; I wish you all the best in return!
dankbaar, heel dankbaar