You will wonder how you ever went about your life before reading these tips, not mine by the way, lifted from Viz.


1. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
2. Give your bird cage a thatched cottage look by attaching two shredded wheat to the top.
3. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
4. Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player during a powercut.
5. Manchester United fans, save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
6. Avoid jet lag by taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
7. Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
8. Avoid embarrassment after tripping in the street by repeating the movement several times to make it seem like part of your normal behaviour.
9. Stop nosey neighbours from knowing which room you're in by stealthily crawling around the house
on all fours.
10. Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
11. People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
12. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
13. Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
14. Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
15. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
16. Avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat by simply pissing in the sink.
17. Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
18. Climb onto your neighbour's roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He'll think his house is underwater.
19. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
20. Save electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
21. Men - When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
22. Banging two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

Some nice ones there

.

I used to do this with our universal remote

Lol, glad you like them!

If someone took all of these essential tips on board they would live a very "interesting" life indeed

Haha these are funny!

I dug out some more life essential tips to help you through your daily lives and ease you into the weekend

23. Motorists - When going through a speed camera, quickly flash your lights twice and watch the driver in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.
24. Gamblers - For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
25. Employers - Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
26. Drivers - Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
27. Drivers - If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
28. Prevent burglars stealing everything in the house by moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, move it all back again.
29. Single men - Convince people you have a girlfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
30. Employees - Only use the loo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting paid.
31. Single men - Get a glimpse of married life by recording Woman's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to watch something on Discovery Wings.
32. Shoppers - Take one grape to the till. It won't register on the low-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Repeat this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of grapes.
33. A post it note stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil lip-readers.
34. Cyclists - Avoid getting a sore behind by simply placing a naan bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey presto! A warm snack.
35. Housewives - Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the washing machine you can check the stain has gone.
36. Young mothers: Calm hysterically crying children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their legs and then tugging them along by the wrist.
37. Philanderers - Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with girls who have the same name as your wife.
38. Female shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them s50 labour costs for the transaction.
39. Worried that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red I wine? Drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed, to remove the stains.
40. Weight watchers - Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f&cking thing in the first place, you fat b@stards.
41. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
42. Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
43. Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
44. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
45. Olympic athletes - disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
46. Sweetcorn fans - save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
47. Motorists - pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
48. X-Files fans - create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.
49. A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
50. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.