Well I never thought this day would happen but it did and I am a broken shell at the moment ,

I've just lost my one true love , my rock , my friend , my lover my confidant , my princess and the mother of my boys ,

My wife of 19yrs passed away from what only can be described as a tradgity that could've been prevented .

On the 28th on February I lost my wife as what can only be discribbed as a accidental overdose , me and my partner have been on the methadone program for over 16 yrs and in that time we have been clean of all other drugs except for DMT , but this tradgity happened on our usuall Saturday routine of dosing and having two Valium on top , and we had done this if not 50-100 times before but on that day my wife was having a lay down when her breathing became so shallow she passed away , this was the beginning of my nightmare as I was in the next room watching TV but it makes me think over the last 15+ yrs of doing this routine how many times were we close to dying ??
In this my kids came home as the coroner was wheeling her body out of the house and it shattered there world in one second , I'm trying to be strong and be supportive for them but I myself have a broken heart and it really does hurt ..

I'm a shell of my former self , I'm ashamed of my actions on that day because when I found her I rolled her over only to see my beautiful wife's face all swollen and purple , it scared me so much so I ran out the room and rang 000 they asked me to go check if she's breathing but I couldntt do it I was afraid of looking at her , let alone stay with her and hold her just one last time , now I sit here 24hrs a day crying I just can't help it can anyone please give advise on how to handle this in a better way for my children's sake , thank you

Oh my....

I'm so sorry to hear this!

<3

I can't even imagine how hard that must be.

But for the little that it means, please know that we are here for you and be sure to pm me or post on the forum to talk to us whenever you need.

Maybe someone else will have a good insight on the situation or ideas how to help you. The only thing that occurs to me is that you shouldn't blame yourself for this situation, it's certainly not your fault. I'm not sure if there's anything you can do, except let time pass, keep on being a good dad for your children, and try to appreciate each moment and person as much as possible.

Wish you and your children strenght to work through this!

I am very sorry to hear this my friend

I cant begin to imagine losing my wife, my love of my life. Now you have to be very strong stronger then ever not only for you but for kids. I know the pain is terrible but it will pass with time. I know this.

Please do not feel responsible for her death. It was her choice to take the dose like for last many years.

I am sending you lots of love and I will pray for your wife and your family.

God bless you

So sorry for your loss EW, it wasnt your fault like you said it was a tragedy. If you need to talk you know Im always willing to talk to you and we are all here for you if you need to vent. Be kind to yourself for your sake and your childrens there is only one option and thats to keep on living and be the best Father you can be.
RIP Tinkabell

Terrible....
This is soo sad for you and your kids. I hope you have someone to support you in these difficult times. Please get some help if you feel you can't deal with it alone.
I think your kids need all the love and support you can give.
It's soo difficult to give any advise... I would like to give you and your kids a big hug!
It's not your fault. Maybe it helps to consider that maybe it was just her time to go, and she is doing well now, where ever she might be...
This must be extremely hard to accept, but I'm just trying to find some soothing words...
Much love!

Much love Brother. Passing all the kind vibes your way I can.

Oh man. My sincerest condolences to you.
No words can ever make this better, but I will think of you during my Metta meditation this morning. Sending you all the love and positive vibes I can to help you with this difficult process.


Peace

Earthwalker i have followed your sometimes quite blunt posts with a wry and appreciative smile. I am really sorry to hear this news. How old are your kids?

There is so much going on, like things out of sight or knowledge or comprehension, it's an extreme bundle of things, an endless chain, that determines what's happening on a moment.

We tend, in our simple form of logic, to make the last action solely responsible. It looks like it, much so, that it's hard to imagine otherwise.

It goes far beyond the last actions.
It goes far beyond understanding.
It goes by the magic of existence in full, that large.
It asks our surrender, and trust.

She might have felt called to do work from out another plane, it might be a billion other things, but not empty, not without a frame.

Authorities thinks narrow, and therefore also focus on last actions. If possible don't fuel them by making yourself vulnerable. They'll exploit your guilt feeling, there is no need for that. Things are hard enough already.

Keep hanging in, together.
Peace for your living souls.

I couldn't even fathom losing the one im closest to. Much love your way brother. <3

It's going to be rough, it'll probably make you sick, it'll hurt greatly; but... you WILL pull through this eventually, and in the wake of this ..you will be stronger in every aspect.

Tragedies are typically a double edged sword; on one hand ..it rips you to shreds mentally and physically for the time being, but on the other side of it all the inverse is happening, slowly but surely building a greater you (although at the time it most certainly doesn't seem like it).

Stay steadfast, stay busy, work to bring happiness into your life, because ultimately, im sure that is what she'd want for you.

<3

So sorry to hear that man.

LOVE...love for your kids.
Your wife, friend and mother of your children has passed on into the mystery that awaits all of us but she is still in you and your children. Be the fertile ground for them where they will be able to sprout their roots and grow strong.
I wish you and your children all the best and that love between you will heal wounds of your loss.

Peace and Love
Hardboiled

Sending heartfelt wishes and condolences. Yes focus the Love and attention on your kids <3 , every bit you can..they need it..and your beloved lives on in part through them..and watching over them, and you.

Thinking of you at this time mate.

Oh my god, I'm so sorry to hear this.

I don't know you, but my eyes are full of tears. I too, share your story of being a methadone patient. There is a growing awareness of the danger of mixing benzos and methadone. Even taken regularly, as prescribed, the combination can become inexplicably lethal suddenly. I lost my best friend last year to the same thing.

I have no way to empathize with your pain though and don't pretend too. You have my deep condolence, and for what it's worth, prayer for understanding and comfort.

My heart goes out to you and your kids! It sounds like you are still, quite understandably, in complete and utter shock. And there will be no way you can make sense of this tragedy. There is no sense to be made.

It is good enough that you are reaching out to this community. I encourage you to continue to do so no matter how much pain you experience and no matter how much you may want to completely withdraw at times. I hope you also have locals you can reach out to for support.

Give yourself permission to feel and experience anything that arises. Pain, anguish, guilt, fear, anger, whatever... let however it shows up be ok (even the feeling that it's not ok). And breathe.

And extend that permission to your kids. Keep making sure they have plenty of opportunity to express what they are going through, either with you or others.

Much much LOVE to you Earthwalker!

Thank you to all that sent good vibes of love and compassion , I am trying to be strong for my boys who are 24yo & 17yo , the hardest thing apart from finding her was having to tell them there mum had past , I am at a place that is greatly sad but it's not dark and dingy depressed state , I no what I must do like to just continue life I'm just heartbroken and sad so please do not worry about or think I'll do something silly , thank you again for you're kind words

Not worried about you doing anything stupid, from your posts here you are a level headed dude.

Peace to you, EW.

Sorry for your loss, Earthwalker. You and your sons need to allow yourselves to grieve freely, get it all out, without worrying about being strong. You will be strong when it's time for that and the perspective is clear. Praying for you.

Sorry to hear about your loss Earthwalker. I can't even begin to imagine what you and your children are going through right now. I had been wondering why I hadn't seen any posts from you in a while. But now I see you have been living what would seem a nightmare.

We are all here to help you cope with your loss.
Be well my friend. Peace, and lots of love to you and your family.