I feel this would be more appropriate somewhere else but as we're boxed-in, Welcome Discussion it is.
People often make "excuses" for "doing drugs" which in some situations, I'd unquote but generally speaking I feel most substances have their appropriate uses.
I have a sort of epilepsy. It's only arises when I do not sleep well. For me this means that I get to deal with it quite frequently because my mind races too much to sleep well at night.
Xanax helps temporarily with the tremors, twitching and seizing. Opiates help GREATLY with (for lack of a better phrase) feeling like complete crap. I just feel like I never slept most days.
As nice as those make me feel, I'm getting tired of them. I used to be a bad opiate addict/junkie and I have managed to keep it under control by only using either of those substances on my worst days but reality is, I also feel the tug to go from using them as a tool to well, just using them.
When I started with DMT, all I ever got was the veil no matter how much I consumed.
Eventually I started having more significant experiences and finally difficult experiences which deterred me from consuming it in any fashion for quite some time. I believe I've covered most of this in another post though.
To now ... Things are quite different to say the least. It's not so much about the visuals anymore (not to say I don't love/want them) but it seems every time I use it now I fall into a deep trance. I'm past fighting it. I'm past caring. I'm past wanting anything from it. Now I have some of the most beautiful experiences ever.
I've noticed that each time it starts to wear off, I'm yawning like crazy and my eyes are tearing up like I just awoke from a deep sleep. With this I've also noticed that after partaking, I feel quite good most of the day. Once the DMT wears off, my sluggishness and buzzing feeling in my brain (can't describe it any other way) that come with my condition are gone.
Aside from the no-energy/dead feeling I often wake up with, my mind is also often all over the place uncontrollably. Some days I also feel nauseous for no reason and quite dizzy. The final thing that led me here is that recently I've noticed extreme depression some days. I cannot tell if it's real or just 'my nerves' as I often refer to my problems that I realize should not be there. It just got so bad though I could not do anything. Even watching a marketing video or coding, I'd just start to cry without control and just want to crawl in a hole.
Whether it's the DMT directly or something else that happens in my brain while I'm on it, I feel great after. Pretty much everything I've described is gone except for a little bit of shaking.
I'd like all of you reading this to consider two important things:
1) I am ME, we all react differently
2) If you're epileptic, do not assume this will work for you. I have JME which is quite unique in it's function
So here we are. Essentially, any day I feel like utter crap (like today) I intend to let my body first wake up (I cannot consume substances my first couple hours, even a cigarette can make me seize). Afterwards, it's quiet time and hyperspace. I have my girlfriend keep an eye on me just in-case I react badly. This is more of a precaution as I can say that I have never had a negative reaction to consuming DMT in any fashion, minus the 'bad trips' which are harmless really.
Think of this sort of like a trip log for your enjoyment as well as my memory. Beyond that, I wanted to record how I felt after each session and I thought the DMT-Nexus would be a logical place.
My first few entries will be somewhat short as well, those days have past and to me, remembering DMT is like remembering a dream.
DAY 1:
I'm feeling apprehensive and anxious about going in. This day was the 9th or 10th in a row where I was so extremely depressed I could not get any work done (thankfully, I work for myself). I was worried about going into that space while in such a state but I was also getting desperate. If I were to remain in that state much long, we'd be going hungry. By we, I mean me, my pregnant fiance, and our 1 year old kid.
I usually lay on the bed for this but I decided instead to fold up a sleeping bag on the floor and meditate in a typical pose before blasting off. I got myself to break free of my crazy thoughts for a minute so I felt it was time.
I loaded the pipe with ~40mg (I used to weigh but anymore I just eyeball which I warn against unless you're used to it!) I wound up spilling it while stretching so I re-loading with an amount I simply didn't even eyeball. Again, I'm used to the amount I can take in in one hit. Again, I'm not advocating it either.
I heated up the pipe and inhaled. After getting a massive hit, I handed the pipe and lighter to my g/f and waited. This trip started much like a neuronal map. Random-looking inner-connected lumps of energy that were quickly forming together. Normally when I ask this space for something, I get a slap in the face. I however just said "stop" and much to my surprise, it stopped forming. I said "let's just be this time" and as soon as that sentence was finished, I could feel myself start to mesh into it. My body suddenly relaxed all around and I just started sinking into the sleeping bad. At this point I asked my girl to please leave the room.
This feeling - of not caring about ANYTHING ... of just relaxing, for once - was something I realized I was longing for a couple days before and I was surprised that it let me do just that when I asked for it. It just felt so amazing to let go of everything. Working for yourself is great but when you're providing for your family and you're in an online expertise with massive competition, the stress can be overwhelming at times if you don't keep your head straight.
I started to get to where I was out of touch with my body, just sinking into the void. The part where I messed up this experience is that I should have been in bed because my leg shifted and touched the hardwood. As soon as it did, it's like everything went in reverse and I was sky-rocketed back into my body.
At this point I called her back in. The after effects of this ride were extremely long, like almost an hour. For a hit of DMT, I was quite surprised. I just remained laying there on the floor snuggled up to her leg telling her how relieved I was to finally be able to let go and relax.
From there, we spoke about different things. My issues with my body, work, whatever and once it all wore off well I don't remember much because (drum-roll) I got caught up in work! My fog was gone, depression gone, at least for that day.
I'm a programmer and marketer by the way so you might be able to understand why I need my full capacity but anyway, at least for now, depression is negligible to the rest of my posts. I have felt a slight tingle of it but nothing like there was before.
DAY 2:
I felt surprisingly good this day all around so I did not consume any.
DAY 3:
Normal day... Woke up feeling like a slug, shaky as hell. Had to have my girl get everything for me in fear I'd twitch (small seizures which lead to bigger ones for me) and throw it across the room.
I could not focus on work nor stop from smacking my mouse off the desk or pounding my keyboard as I typed (it sucks but it must be somewhat funny to watch
) so I said screw it and went to our bedroom. I had her take our beautiful little girl and put her in her room to play for a bit.
The amount consumed is once again unknown. I'm sorry for this guys but for me, it's negligible. I really don't care how much 10mg, 20mg, 100mg does. I just know what my lungs feel like when I've inhaled enough and as shaky as I am, weighing it pretty much means I'll be losing half of it.
Anyway, blastoff!
This time I took a bigger hit because I wanted to get in deep. To summarize another post I've made, I had fought with tryptamines for a bit. I wound up with 1 experience that spanned multiple days between DMT and mushrooms with this grey guy in a solid room whom essentially told me he'd allow me to learn 'it' if I started treating myself better.
Well, this time was something else. I knew once I handed the pipe over to my girl it was going to be quite different. There was no typical formation. I was immediately in a room that looked much like a doctors office. I was laying down apparently. Attached to this room was another. That room looked similar to a waiting room and I remember the sunlight streaming in from the window. In the center of the room was a big square table with a bunch of magazines and each side of it had 4 chairs against the wall.
In the corner sat this little alien looking guy. He was extremely short, 2 feet AT BEST and had this grey-green skin and oval (sideways) deep black eyes. He was just sitting in his corner on a box starting at me. I had the feeling he was there much like I was - just visiting briefly from somewhere quite different.
Back to me, There were three people leaning over me, inspecting me. All three were in a row. The first one on the left was doing the actual touching. She was just looking me all over, even rolling me from my back to my side to check quite literally my back. Beside her was another person in a lab code taking notes on a clipboard. Beside that person was someone that was a little too far to the side to make out well except I knew they were there.
After they finished inspecting me, they dissipated into a stream of energy that curved to the left and then down. At that time 'it', 'hyperspace', 'whatever' you call it told me "see, they served their purpose and it's okay!" ...
From there the office faded and I was presented with so many flashes of various things like I could not explain it as any way other than "life itself". They were deep, dark, not bad nor good and very powerful things. I cannot explain most of them. Some were symbols I'd seen before in that space, others were places, people, things.
The one that stood out the most was when I hit this one space. I simply felt like I was meeting 'god' for a lack of a better term .. It was this thing sitting in a meditative pose surrounded by a beam of orange light. It looked like it was very deep. For the most part, it looked human except for it's head. Around it was a black space then beyond that the normal chaotic-ness of everything/hyperspace.
I was getting closer and closer to it but then I felt the peek start to drop. At that point 'it' told me "here, let's try something" and at that point my hands and arms started doing some random but very symmetrical flowing movements up and down my body. I've had this happen before but only when three dark looking beings appeared and I had this 'person' with their arms placed into mine having my do a bunch of these movements that wound up leading to what looked like a burst of heat that simply blew them away. (This is DMT folks ..). Anyway, I recalled that experience and it started to make me worry. It's almost like the movements focused on what would be chakras (something I still debate the existence of) and gathering energy. This time though the flow was a bit different and a lot shorter. It had me do these movements but then pull me hands right up to below my throat and stop there and I just felt this warmth was over me. For a brief moment the experience got stronger and I could start to see it again but it wasn't enough. Seconds later it started to fade away again.
At that point I was able to utter 2 words - "holy fuck" - which I don't mean to offend anyone but that is probably the best way to describe the whole experience.
From there the comedown was typically timed (I have my fiance time these for my own curiosity and I at least try to mutter something when it's wearing off so she can) although it seemed to last forever.
So, that day will FOREVER be in my mind.
Onto the next...
I felt great the rest of the day minus some shaking.
DAY 4:
I loaded a slightly bigger amount than I normally did hoping to have a similar experience to the prior day (hope and you shall Not receive, usually anyway
).
Upon heating up the pipe I made the mistake of inhaling too soon and wound up sucking most of it in.
I thought I had wasted it all but when I exhaled, there was still a little cloud.
There were hardly any CEV (I always close my eyes).
It was just like barely being able to see this web of almost purple. I say almost because I could hardly see it.
I started feeling this really strong tug though like it was trying to pull me in but I just didn't get enough.
From there a bunch of thoughts flowed through my mind that I don't really feel like sharing because it'll just sound like I'm trying to push my point of view.
Anyway, that morning I felt sluggish again. Before partaking I had intentionally sat there touching my middle finger to my thumb while trying to keep my points angles at ~90 degrees. This is surprisingly difficult for me with my nerve issues. My fingers usually separate and my pointer shakes all over the place. That time was no different.
After the experience however, I was able to do that simple little task with minor shaking and without my fingers separating nor my pointers wagging like a dog's tail. I also felt the energy I would if I would have done opiates.
So folks that's it. Day 5 will be up shortly
I want to make a couple points again here.
I have epilepsy and this stuff helps me so it seems so far BUT that does NOT mean it will help you nor that it will not make you worse. If you have epilepsy and are considering anything like this, start with a very small amount and make sure you have someone around. We know how our bodies can react to foreign substances at times. BE CAREFUL!
I do not weigh my doses. Again, this is because 1) I'm shaky as hell and 2) Well let's just say I'm certain the end product is always the same weight, fluffiness, etc and I can consistently eyeball my doses and 95% of the time will have the level of experience I expect. I could not do this in the beginning however and I do not suggest this to anyone.