This is an email I just wrote to a friend, but I felt the need to share it here, too.

What you are about to read may seem convoluted, hyper-metaphysical, and overly worried. As you read, I implore you to look past any knee-jerk reaction of "Just don't worry," and listen to what I have to say. Then, after you understand, you are free to say "Just don't worry."

Welp,
I regret taking Peyote, too. For the first time in ever. Ever since I've started drinking Ayahuasca, everything else seems like just a piece of puzzle, where Ayahuasca is the connector of the puzzle.

I'm not sure if I was "supposed" to have this experience or not, but it seems like yet another detour from the Ayahuasca path.

Sure, it got rid of a whole lotta phlegm that was building up, which immediately was a relief, but then I realized that had I taken ayahuasca instead, that build up of phlegm would have signalled to my body to release it on its own somehow (probably through crying, or maybe vomiting), thus (re)educating my body/soul to cleanse itself without the help of externals.

I thought I would be opening my heart as well, but somehow, for some reason, I feel more afraid, and my heart feels more closed. I don't get it! It's as if Ayahuasca is saying, "RhythmSpring's mine, all mine! I am his sole teacher for now on."

I feel a slight growth of love right now I suppose, but it is more sensual love, whereas the love that I felt growing under Ayahuasca's light was like WHOLE being love, open-eyed love, rather than closed-eyed love, if you know what I mean.

When I took peyote last, I was brewing Ayahuasca. Then, I took a sip of the Aya, and that was the beginning of my relationship with her. I felt like the love-vulnerability that Peyote put me into was channeled toward falling toward Aya, quite comfortably, in her arms.

Then, finally, the peyote afterglow wore off, and I found it difficult again to take Ayahuasca. It would take a leap of faith. However, instead of taking that leap of faith, I decided to take Peyote again, to sort of renew my faith, only to realize that that faith was... not real faith, but a kind of sensual infatuation. Ayahuasca demands pure faith.

Now, I am worried that--now that I know intellectually that that faith must not waver, especially when it comes to looking toward other master teacher plants for answers--it is too late. Too late meaning that the osteoarthritis in my ankle is beyond repair. [note: this has been an ongoing fear of mine, it has been preventing me from walking for about a month. It is due to almost a year of rheumatoid arthritis inflammation.]

How long will it take for the peyote afterglow to wear off so that I know for sure my dive into Ayahuasca will be fueled by faith alone, and not a sensual infatuation? Perhaps a month, like before. That may be too long before I can get this ankle back to functioning.

Or maybe I'm not seeing the whole picture. Maybe I needed to have this experience, to open up my lower channels so that I could open up the higher ones, more stress-free. But I do doubt my decision, since the decision to take Peyote was taken out of a place other than the Ayahuasca-infused consciousness, which I have learned to trust. I know, because if I remember correctly, the root of the decision to take this Peyote was fear (fear that the Ayahuasca-healing process needed help from elsewhere) and not love and acceptance of myself and my life.

Notice how smart I can get when I'm worried. Oh, and when I take Lion's mane.

You know best what you need, but let me just throw out there that in the native Eagle-Condor prayers I have been sitting in for some time Grandfather and Grandmother medicines work well in tandem.

Cool--good to hear that it works for you. Do you have any tips you could throw my way for reconciling the two energies?

Ask them humbly? Have a clear intention and pray? Prepare appropriately for the communion physically and mentally?

do you think you might be overanalyzing things, stopped yourself from being fully present? That applies to all experience, and illnesses, as well.

- me