Never thought it'd happen to me. Holy hell, they just allowed me to live through that. My pleas meant nothing. Merciful. So, so very loud. If you've been there, ykwim. Holy hell. I'll get back on this thread after i integrate a bit. Damn.

Fused with Kali. Out of all the deities to do so with... at least they didn't send me back with an empty heart. Holy hell.

Could you go more in detail?

Yes, please go on!

Take lots of harmalas to become more aligned with truth.

Take rue, taste the bitterness and repent! Or at least understand what happened. I find that the grounding of harmalas help with integrating ambitious tryptamine-heavy stabs at the transcendent.

I remember my first hyperslap. It was a very personalized torture intelligently crafted to be certain I'd never forget my lesson.

Would you share your experience with us?

I was left curled up in a fetal ball, with tear filled eyes and I'm still trying to make sense. I'm actually not sure if I was 'slapped' or just had the most powerful DMT exp yet. It was similar to the time 5meo DMT 'killed' me. I honestly didn't think i was going to live. My friend said he thought i was having a stroke. I apologize for the disjointed structure of this post, is coming from very far away.. .

Yes yez, sorry, was still quite 'fragmented'and shaken up. It was terrifying. I was with a partner, who btw i will never trip with again- way up in the woods, awesome spot. About an hour after vaping one bowl and having a beautiful, playful trip to hyperspace with the four dimensional 'puzzle' giving way to ever expanding hands of mercy giving me 'the gift', dancing playful jester types, alien sounds, and one especially playful guy who liked sticking his tongue out at me, making strange blips every time he did. Then i was just sent to float in a sea of light, feeling beauty. Then, in the midst of reverie, the guy i was with taps me to tell me he wanted more, even though i really didn't have it to give. He was being very pushy and well, just a jerk.

The guy i was with may have influenced the next trip, idk, my real disappointment with him didn't occur until after that though. I went back in about an hour later, something I've never done. I asked my inner voice if i should and heard a distinct "yesno" (lol) so shrugged at my ambivalence and dove in. I took a big hit and j honestly didn't think it would do anything (shades of my first death with 5meo DMT "is this working?zzzzzzshhhhzzzzzz,-Bleep BLIP. Yes", but then, oh boy . Could've been my most powerful yet. I was admonished by the same 'gift giver'. There was a deafening whirlwind of sound and imagery, a strange whirlpool if extra spacial dimension, fractal rainbows, strange windows into some dark, amber shaded reality i couldn't make out. It was like being yelled at by a group of.. .aliens? Elves?

Then they just tore me apart. My soul, my mind, even my body. I convulsed, screamed, ejected streams off foamy spit. It felt line one eye looked up and one looked down. The entire time there were presences. I actually thought my body was being arrested, placed in an ambulance, something, there were so many of them. (Back in the woods, there were exactly two humans) At some point, the torture relented and i was 'rearranged'.

I felt the presence of a larger entity, something old and big and suddenly my body began affecting poses, the hanged man, various asanas. Then i felt kali 'enter'me. I took on her aspect, my skin was black, eyes bright red, and my tongue extended from my mouth down past my chin, dripping blood. She danced through and in me, stomping me back into the earth dissolving and dissolving, relentlessly tearing apart every atom. But i was still present, still cared. I could not speak, but begged forgiveness. I opened my eyes, to nothing but bright white light. I was not in my body then.

Then i just remember white space and silence.

Slowly, very slowly, she put me back together, and i deposited back into my body, that felt cold. I shivered there for a while, while the guy i was with just muttered " holy f**"

This taught me a couple things. I've always thought i respected the spice, but she demands thorough respect, and i lacked. There trip partner i was with was the WRONG choice. This guy is a kid, to me, at 24 years old. He frankly offended me several times that day that i put down to an immature need to 'puff himself up'. After the slap, and we were walking down off the hill, he said something about how i have lots of demons, and that he was glad he was so perfected and dealt with all his. Dude, this kid is a 24 year old virgin, not that there's anything wrong with that, but don't tell me you've lived and mastered this life when you're incapable of being in a relationship with another human. The kid doesn't even know what his sexual orientation is. He's had exactly one job and doesn't know what "he wants to be when he grows up" Etc. I'm not about to air his crap here, but suffice to say, master this life he hasn't, and his comments disappointed me, offended me, and hurt my feelings. Shit, i needed a hug when i came back, but didn't fell comfortable with him. I couldn't trust him to not get into NTT stash if i left it on the blanket to explore.

So, there's lots of considerations, and the outcome is positive in the long run, i think. But i do need to find a more beneficial partner, or just continue to experiment alone. As this is integrated and or i remember more, ill relate. Harmalas may have helped. I think this was the biggest dose of DMT I've ever done. I use enhanced herb, and the same amount each time, but think either there was resin in the pipe or i had a hot spot in the mix.

Yeah I'm still shaken up and need to enter my silent integration phase.

I guess the main question: why were you smoking with such an immature brat who knows it all, an enlightened being at 24 (what are the odds?)? It's like pouring the very substance of your soul into a glass, giving it to a child and saying, "look after this for me, don't spill a drop." We've all been there, the arrogance of youth, so what were you doing with him in the woods in the first place? What's done is done, I'm just curious.

But you've done us all a service by reinforcing that age old psychedelic admonishment: set and setting, set and setting, and set and setting (which would include, naturally, the human furniture on the set).

(sorry for the dramatic font sizes and colors, I just thought it'd be a fun touch)

Hehe, Im not sure where to start..

I'll say this first and foremost: I know what you speak of.. Been deeeeeep in the throws of the divine monstrosity, blinded, eyes open or closed, forever being torn, pounded by the light, ripped apart; like the waves of a tsunami hitting the shore; you being the shore AND the waves, gasping, contorting, no recognition of anything but THAT ...in all it's mind bending, blindingly brilliant, jaw dropping, terrifyingly beautiful glory. Like a rag doll being turned into confetti in a fiery storm of blinding brilliance.

These reports, like yours, are why I still frequent this forum, more or less. I know theres many ways to partake of DMT, but i've always felt that these experiences ..these ones like yours ...are what it's all about - seeing a fraction as to the true power of this experience. These once-a-year type experiences, or maybe even 'once a lifetime' hehe.

Unyieldingly powerful stuff, this molecule is.Some people tend to overlook the DMT experience overall I feel, from what i've read here through peoples use of DMT and what they write accordingly.

Goes back to to Vovins thread "Why you SHOULD NOT smoke DMT", while I think the title is sort of abrupt, I agree with nearly the whole thread - this experience that many of us throw ourselves into willingly... it's so powerful...these highly immersive, OBE, white light, forever-everything-creation-destruction, no idea of-anything-but-THAT type experiences ...they aren't to be taken lightly..

I believe that these types of experiences, you have to follow up with a mind-body practice of some sort, whether it be some specific kriyas, simple breath-based meditation, even walking through nature; anything of that sort, done with longterm consistency, lends itself to help piece your Self together, building alongside hyperspace, evolving alongside hyperspace ...it's you afterall.



Mind-body practice coupled with these ultra-powerful experiences, that's where it lies I feel, helps iron out the kinks. A marriage of practices that birth something altogether more beautiful/transformative than just each part alone.

Im glad to have read this and THANK YOU for writing this. As I said, this is mainly why im still here; these occasional postings of these highly-intense experiences; floods the memory banks of past experiences, i re-live it all over again vivdly, so thank you.

Anymore I work with DMT alone; nothing against others, ime i've felt the most benefit from flying solo. To have a partner there, they have to be on a similar playing field as myself, for it to all unfold smoothly.

Once again, thanks for taking the time to write and share this, it's definitely appreciated..

paramarthika satyam

tat tvam asi

<3

Hey null,

There's no doubting these are infinitely deep waters we tread. When first exploring DMT, I overshot a dose pretty hard (50-60 mg I believe), and ended up in a realm where I was being eternally smashed by this jack-in-the-box like entity. Similarly I remember thinking I was on a stretcher, or the ER, or forsure dead, eyes open or closed, it was still happening. I have no intention on interjecting my story too much, but I wanted to relate, because I know those realms are gnarly and ineffable. As you said, spice demands a great deal of respect, and we really have to recognize the power of the molecule in our work with it. I hope integration goes well for you. I think as others mentioned, that some form of walking in nature or meditation seems to work well, and making any changes in your life that might be implied by the experience (whatever they may be for your respective path).

Also, I know the feeling of being with a not-so-suitable trip partner and how frustrating it can be for THAT to be your problem among the chaos of an experience before, during or after. I think good trip partners fall into orbit with you as you move further, but it can be hard sometimes. I have a select few friends who I grew up exploring these experiences with, so I think I am lucky in that respect that we all recognize the strength and sacredness of these experiences. But I've had my fair share of people acting totally inappropriately during trips, and after.
Much love and I wish you growth in your integration and reflection.

Thanks again y'all. The reason i was with the guy is because he was there. I frankly was heading out alone as i usually do but he called, i invited. This is a new new aspect of his character, one i wasn't aware of previously, in fact, i thought he was far more advanced for his age, which is really just a number in some respects, but I'm a very bad judge of character and usually don't see the negative till its to late. I have found a group of like minded souls here, so maybe the days of lonely tripping can end.

It's been very hard for me finding any kind a social group to be with, and spend 99percent of my time alone. Since i quit heroin, those people are gone, my best friend is dead and my girl left me in favor of meth. So yeah, I'm lonely, it's maybe my biggest unhappiness right now and maybe i just wanted company.

EDIT:

I'm extremely grateful for
having found a community here of like minds. [MOD EDIT: NO USING THE NEXUS AS A MEETUP TOOL!] I live i a place that i knew was full of them but where? I really don't take part in the types of social activities i used to. Several factors, the adore mentioned change of life style, the dissolving with age of self imposed labels that allowed me to fit in with certain chosen social groups ( usually music based- punk, deadhead, blabla ), since my eye surgery lights at concerts really mess with me and its quite the challenge for me in dark places, not to mention a real bad social anxiety that comes from the bad living i did for so long- i feel shamed among certain peer groups for having 'wasted my life'.
Shit, i think I'm integrating right now. Disregard everything above this paragraph.

That was the focus of the meeting last week, what now? We have these powerful life changing experiences, but then we go back to the pain of daily living. We can put into effect changes that we gain from them, and god knows i have I'd probably be dead were it not for DMT, but who do we share this with? I had to go out into the woods with someone because i NEEDED someone there. I don't know, I'm kinda glad he was there, I but just as another human for safety sake. But from here out, now that i know i can pull through something that hard alone, because i did, it was my hand caressing my own back to reassure myself that it was okay, I'll either go alone, like you said you do, CP, or have a teal trusted companion. I'm hoping that we will connect with each other with these meetings locally. (Btw, it's really, really cool, every local community should be doing this. )

I needed to do this, and dammit, I still have a LOT of work to do. I've been suffering for far too long, and i want back what is rightfully mine . To just be happy and fulfilled. I'm learning with great difficulty, how to do that alone because alone is what i was, am and will be. There will be people who float thru, and I have tried futilely to keep them in my life, but it is only with I that I end up standing. Loving myself comes with incredible challenges, and i don't know what makes me think another should when i find it so hard.

I honestly didn't know how badly i needed people. I've always considered myself mostly a loner, even among a large circle of friends. Just recently over the last few years, as over tried to move out of the profligate junky lifestyle that i led for so long, and the subsequent loss and disappearance of every-thing and everyone that i realized it. I've been on a quest to discover the value intrinsic in me outside and beyond the contents of my wallet, and while i feel that I've found some priceless jewels, I'm disappointed in the willingness of people that are around me to want to share them. Oh well, i can't do anything else but keep plugging away.

I learned, or was taught, two things in the last couple trips one less esoteric, more easily apprehended and worded:
There are only two valid occupations in the new world; working for social justice, and art.

And 2, of a spiritual nature: being the 'sensory organs' of the divine creative force-that is, having the material bodies combined with an intellect capable of conceiving the divine-i need to be more appreciative of just that. That this consciousness was put together to ride in this body for a little while, to feel and experience, the depths of love, sorrow, passion, and joy. It is an affront to the creative force -if you can put it that way-which is outside of time, space and corporeality therefore incapable of experiencing that which i do. 'God' just wants to know what it made, and therefore what it is, and uses us to do so.

Whew, well, I'm done rambling. You've just been witness to psychedelic integration folks. Thank you for being here for me.
PAX IN LVX

What do you think the point of being destroyed by kali was? Did it cleanse out your inner demons? And why are you talkin crap about some kid?

Bingo, my friend.

Hmm, nevermind then. If you don't want to read a post there's no need to deride the poster. You may have a minor point, I admitted making a mistake in my choice of sitters. It was entirely my lack of alternatives, but i wasn't tearing the kid apart. Not by a long shot. He actually made me quite angry, and he said some incredibly rude ignorant things to me. He had taken DXM (unknown to me, what a guy) which he assured me was a psychedelic to him, but he acted more like a belligerent drunk. No fun. No, space traveler, unless you were there, and if you were, you're him because you aren't me, please don't try to tear me down. I mean the kid no harm, i just placed more confidence in him than i should, and i should've known better. I was giving him a chance, he appeared in all other communication to not be who he showed himself as. I'm probably no better.

These are kind of generalized questions, no? Semantical/personal and/or subjective at best.

And tbh, what's it matter what he had to say regarding this particular tripping partner? I think theres much else to focus on in this thread aside from solely focusing on "null24 talking crap about some kid", no?

<3

sorry, wasn't meaning to tear you down about the kid, but what about kali? what meaning do u think that had? are u into hinduism?

No I'm not, but she likes to come to me. I've never really looked into Hinduism at all, i have been listening to some vedic chanting, but not so much to influence anything, in fact forgot until now. No, idk, i really don't even want to venture a guess there other than perhaps it has to do with the nature of death and life. I just feel connected to her. She and Baphomet are the only deities I've met -and i recognized both as myself.

That just kinda set me off sorry, it was the exact thing my sitter said ,mistaking my universal existential crisis as just a 'mere' inner personality conflict. At 45, all that's pretty cemented, now my concerns seem more cosmic, lol.

please put this in your signature, it sums it all up sir.

I think it would have been a more peaceful obliteration of the ego had your 'friend' not been there, there was clearly some work that needed to be done but it seems part of you wanted to be grounded in monkey-man reality, maybe because you didnt trust him? So maybe you had to be wrenched apart rather than peacefully liberated..

Its funny what you say about Hinduism, I recently had an experience on high dose cacti that when I started to look for cultural references to the similarities of my own visons I came across many of them referenced in Hinduism (and aboriginal belief systems) something I had read very little about prior to so can rule out suggestion.
Hence my avatar, the rainbow spirit. Some Aborigines believed it was a spirit born from the land out of pain and suffering, the silver lining if you like

Most definitiely. Honestly, i was scared until now, to go that deep alone. But your never alone in hyper space, right?



It's strange, the mystical school that brought DMT to my attention, kabbalah and western esotericism, rarely comes into play, but the eastern and aboriginal ideas and imagery certainly do, in a weird four dimensional way. I've never 'seen' a classic representation in DMT space, but more 'fuse' with the deity. It's like gnosis, maybe. There's actually very little cultural relevance to DMT, other than the aboriginal and eastern imagery for me, to. Must be the 'egregore' of the molecule, its collected, collective consciousness.

Oh,Sphorange, I'll take it under advisement ,but you're free to quote me.

But this, from rhythm spring, IS going into mine :

I want to say quite a lot of things. But, at this point just want to let u know this experience you've had means the world to me. Sort of sets an example that I want to follow. Or... well.. It makes me want to smoke DMT. And that makes me think that fireworks and flowers are trailing behind ur path. Oh and that guy you tripped with. A thought popped in my head while reading; maybe he needed to see this. and the cold distance you felt from him gives me the shivers while reading but you pulled through like a champion and I see you are strong and came out wiser than you where before.



this seems worth quoting

--
maybe we can talk more of "cosmic inter-personal existential crisis" in the not so distance future,