Good afternoon Nexians
From the outside, this site has been inspiring, informative, and comforting in how many seekers there are out there, regardless of what you're all looking for.
My past is a little dark, for an abbreviated version I was in love with MJ from around 13, and started experimenting with acid in late highschool. I was also crazy about all things metal, an insecure neurotic kid, and taking cocktails of just about anything I could get my hands on, in clubs, in stupid crazy erratic settings, you name it. All of this is over 2 decades ago, so don't judge me too harshly.
Anyways, things went from bad to worse, call me tenacious, or call me stupid, but I kept tripping despite difficult experience after difficult experience (up to 2 or three strong doses a week), blaring idiotic stuff like Slayer all the way, and adding harder and harder substances into the mix as I went. This culminated in one of the most terrifying and soul-destroying psychedelic experiences of my life - I won't elaborate here, this is long winded enough already
From there I left psychedelics alone, my life hurled into an all consuming heroin addiction, running from myself and the world. No need to expand on that, suffice to say it took me many years to pull myself out. After finally managing to clean up, I spent a period of 10+yrs completely substance free, including no booze, no MJ, even managing to quit my two box a day habit a couple of years in.
In that time, I slowly felt human again, it took forever for the acid-psychosis to wear off (for years I couldn't even speak to people about that stuff), I found a vocation or two, and even became (relatively) successful. But something was never quite right, a lingering depression, a social awkwardness and inability, a deep introversion. A malady of the soul perhaps, or just one of the oldest feelings I've ever known, a small pit of fear and insecurity that lives right at the core of me.
So about 2 years ago, a dear friend from those days approached me about plant medicine. Needless to say, I was very anti at first, and spent the next year considering, researching, and repeatedly refusing his suggestion. Finally, after a long sit down, I relented, and decided it was time, given that aya tea had always had a strange appeal (back in the days when you read about it in a magazine, because online hardly existed in everyday life). I was also ready to face up to the past, and try and heal some old wounds. So I put aside my decade of sobriety, and agreed to a ceremony (for me, I'm still clean, I don't drink or do narcotics, but for many, plant medicine would just be considered another sort of substance, so I still claim my decade off hard drugs and alcohol, for the rest let each individual make up their own mind about what sobriety means.)
My first changa ceremony literally blew my mind. I was amazed by the level of setting my friend went to, especially in light of being old acid buddies, going mad to death metal in old abandoned buildings by candlelight. This was sacred, profound, reverant, a truly safe and sanctified space, with calming soft music and lighting. I flew through time, remembered my true self, was communed with by a pantheon of deity-like entities, and attended by a swift shadowy shaman wafting magical smoke around me (not my friend, a fact I was shocked to be told later). That, of course, is a short summary
Over the last year I've worked with changa 20 odd times, revisited cubes twice, been fortunate enough to experience a strong dose of San Pedro, and more recently been experimenting with smokable harmala extracts as a part of ceremony. I've had opportunities for tea several times, although the one and only time I did drink it didn't take me. With the rest the timing never felt right, but my first proper tea ceremony is imminent, and I'm excited (and nervous as hell) about that. In some sense, I'm a complete noob, despite the handfuls of acid I went through in my youth.
The cleansing and healing I've experienced from these plants is amazing, and unparalleled, although I must add that it's a difficult, and often painful road, and there are many challenges still to be faced. I really enjoy the nexus - I love both reading and sharing stories, and the quality of the advice found on here is really top end, and well balanced. So thanks for existing, I guess.
Also, you did ask for an essay, so there ya go
"For as the mystic is more and more subjected to the transforming nature of the Light, he is often plunged into an acute awareness of the inadequacy and utter vileness of the lower or 'natural' self" - I.R.