To say that things are difficult right now, would be an understatement. The spirit molecule has been calling to me, and I at present have an abundance. Something inside knows it will help give me the peace I long for, but yet I cant bring myself to partake in its terrifying comfort....

8 months ago, the love of my life committed suicide. Im still in disbelief, shock, pain, anger, and unbearable sorrow. We are both long time activists and have been battling the heavy burdens of earth, and he couldnt take it anymore. A month or so following his death, some friends held a beautiful aya goodbye ceremony, which was lovely, and since then Ive done changa once or twice with virtually no effects. I'm big into dreamwork, and aside from nightmares of missing my loved one my dreams have been dull and lifeless. Its like the sorrow has formed a cloud around which the spirit cannot get through. Its been five months or so since my last journey with dmt, and a few months ago I was gifted a good amount of changa from a trusted medicine woman friend. Its the best of the best in my opinion, but the jars have remained sealed.

Part of my hang up is I have always respected the medicine so much, that I don't dare touch it without preparation. I like to clear my channels of alcohol, mary jane, no sugar and eat light for at *least* a few days prior. I clean my house, my mind, and get my meditative and lucid dream state going so I can get the full experience. But these days I'm drinkin beer, smokin lots of pot, and have no energy to do much of anything. I'm not an alcoholic or anything, but I'm definitely guilty of numbing the pain. My house is cluttery. It sucks. I think I might be depressed. My typical huge grin--a natural part of my face--is not present, and my musical instruments are dusty. Not much seems like fun or worth doing without my best friend.

Tonight I felt the call so strong, but having had a beer at lunchtime I denied it. Then I thought, how come some people get away with that? Like, on the nexus, Ive read where some of you will even drink a beer first on purpose to ease the nerves. Am i just thinking about it too much? Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Obviously, the universe did not bring all this medicine into my life for just no reason. But Im so stuck in my rut of grief.... I cant seem to clean up my act. I feel like if I take it in this state-of-being I'll get the smack-down!

Also, I think the more I dance with dmt, the more I actually dislike doing it alone. Although I have connects, right now I don't have anyone in my area that I can sit with. My closest nearby friends have little interest in these realms. So much bravery is required to venture out on your own, at least for me & especially now.

Im not sure what Im asking for here. Moral support? Validation? A hug? I don't know. Thanks for letting me get stuff off my chest.

Blessings

Hey, Onawa, I read your post and you have my sympathy.

Sometimes if I focus on the physical entity that is spice, it can have a negative effect in my mind, where I feel like it's something I should be taking for my own good. It might be better to forget about it, focus on the ideas and feelings, the gaping mystery of existence just behind your own head. You know what I mean? The weird stuff popping up all over the place. It's raw material to work with.

I think I've felt the same way about wanting to be really, really clean and careful before the medicine. In my case, I was just obsessing, not letting things flow within me. At one point I never wanted to eat anything heavy or intoxicating, in preparation for some time soon I might take mushrooms, but it was just trying to hold things together too much. After some weeks of not thinking about *taking* medicine, I think I'm more prepared for some psycho-spiritual fine-tuning. It's all flowing a little easier, not thinking about it hard, but my tastes are such that I'm not taking in too much poison/crap.

The other night I had just a little sniff of yopo I prepared, and then quite unexpectedly was offered some beer and cannabis, and it was perfectly fine, felt simply beneficial. The dose was correct, and that made the medicine. Experimentation can help get you out of ruts I think.

I'm hoping you can work with the death of your lovey, and that's really personal, it's for you alone. I wish you strength, authenticity, and depth of feeling. Really, Onawa, I'm wishing you luck really hard too.

..if intezam looses somebody, we will drink aya no-matter-what-setting...sounds *reckless, yes?
But in that state....it has always healed us and destroyed grief. Even if we cry a lot...

*booze is also reckless and also shameful

So sorry for your loss. I agree with intezam, perhaps a nice aya session would be more healing than smoked spice.