I've just come back from a weekend that's the most significan event in my life so far, my head is crammed with information from the experience that I just want to write down and share but I'm not sure how easy that's going to be. I'm going to be spending a while integrating this one and I'll most likely write an update to this when I feel ready but here's a rawer report for now.
I had been feeling for a long time that Ayahuasca/pharma was the next step for me, I'd had breakthroughs but I just knew there was something about the experience that I needed and that turned out to be healing that I was in need of.
I'd been talking with a friend who I've had several smoked dmt / lsd sessions with in the past and he too was very interested in trying a caapi brew along with smoked dmt so we went to his one evening decided to take half a 220ug tab of lsd each and then drink 140g worth of caapi tea between us about 2 or 3 hours in. We were feeling great, and we decided to smoke a few small hits of dmt before drinking the caapi just to get us into the mindset before drinking the caapi and had pleasant although confusing experiences which were obviously affected by the lsd. When we decided to drink the caapi we made the decision to also prepare 50mg of dmt in some juice to drink once we started feeling the caapi. we were sitting on the couch and I remember I felt a strong buzz spread over my body and in my head and I knew that was the caapi taking effect and that's when I drank the dmt juice.
Within 10 minutes I already started to feel the dmt coming on fast (Had a very empty stomach) I started seeing visions of intricate machines and Alex Grey styled faces although it was quite dark. I opened my eyes and the room looked about the same as if I had smoked 50mg of 1:1 changa and that's when I started feeling as if Whatever's on the 'other side' of the dmt experience was taking hold of everything within my vision and it was as if any minute everything would just tear apart or disassemble and then the feeling I was percieving from the otherside would be revealed to me.
I started feeling like everything was leading up to this moment and what was about to unfold was to have extreme significance, I weighed out 0.5g changa and the scale switched itself off, I doubled the size of the pile to what I percieved as 0.1g but to be honest, My vision was way off so I've no idea how much I actually ended up smoking (not smart) as I lit and hit that bong with everything I had, I heard the carrier tone like I'd never heard it before, my life was leading up to this moment.. as that tone increased in pitch I entered it like a tunnel and I saw this tunnel like a thread that then spun together with another and another and another forming a rope like structure that I was zooming down. god, I'm shaking as I write this.. I seemed to hit the end and this rope made of light / energy / sound / vibration unravelled and opened up at an incredible speed and I was there, as I entered I felt cleansed, stripped of so much baggage that my soul carries, I think this happened as a cleansing light shone through me. I remembered that I'd been here before although never to this extent. It was at first a big open area which I struggle to remember although I remembered it being very bright and I seem to remember a huge intricate / mechanical tower like structure in the middle and there was many, 100's or 1000's of entities there but I remember percieving them as us in some way, they were very intelligent, they eminated a powerful, positive vibration and they absolutely loved me. Or they were enlightened beings who had a definite influence upon our planet. I saw shamans from south america and how there is / has been many who've achieved some form of greater contact with this world and how many different methods had developed around the world to get people in contact with this place and that the effects of that work affect us all.
Alot more was explained, I am really struggling to get it out but those that've been there will understand I'm sure and those that haven't yet I don't want to ruin the suprise too much
I then seemed to fall into some deeper level to this place where there was a higher entity and it played with me, and showed me many things, showed the influence we have on vibration and how when we're down or lack energy we can kind of just give ourselves boosts. it then lead me to a door into a room where I seemed to reach the deepest part of the experience. I was in this room like place and there was this spinning thing kind of like a coin, there seemed to be symbols on both sides but this felt like the absolute ULTIMATE thing possible, it FELT like I couldn't reach anything deeper.. I was completely amazed and lost for words, I was laughing at this thing and I could still feel the presence of the entity that showed me it and I percieved a sort of 'yeah I know right' from it.
I was then lead out another door into a sort of blackness, I could still see a bit into the room I'd come from because the door was still ajar (I exited backwards) and there was an entity here but I was still focused on what I'd just seen and it alerted me to itself and communicated to me that I'm not supposed to take that back with me but you've got some of it with you now. it said this playfuly although with an empathy also. I knew I was on the way to being lead out and I asked if I should come back again to which it answered not now, I asked ever? it said yes, and a bunch of other questions which it answered with boings and whistles and clicks and was transforming itself making jokes and banter while sort of flirting for lack of better words.
I came back and my friend took a hit and it made him start purging which I completely was NOT ready for as I was still far far gone, and by the time he finished purging I felt I needed to also which lead to the difficult part.
I got into the bathroom and after being distracted by my friend for the few minutes between the experience and now, everything came rushing back to me and I started panicking, I felt like the information was too much to handle and I know that I had just experienced death and I didn't think I could cope with knowing all I knew, I started feeling incredibly sick and I felt a presence of the jungle within me, the vine was speaking to me and raising my attention to things from my past and the journey I've been on over the last few years. in that moment I just wanted to forget everything, I felt like I was going to just die because of the information or at very least go insane. I was brought back to deliriums I used to experience when I had fevers when I was younger and how I developed a mild ptsd (flashbacks along with panic attacks for many years) because of these deliriums. The nature of the terror I experienced during these deliriums came back and I realised that I'd experienced death like experiences from a young age and already back then I had started onto the journey which now, in this bathroom was coming to an end.
I had spent my life half stuck inside my head constantly wondering about death and the beyond, even when not focused upon it my attention would be used up in my subconscious and I'd always find myself back at that thought. While I had that experience I was told that life is important, it has a meaning worth protecting and that meaning is to play, to love, to express, create. Life is the warm feeling filled growth on infinity. My attention needs to be focused here and I need to live in the moment.
I never managed to throw up but I wretched a lot and as I did I saw an entity representing the ayahuasca show me that it was on its way out and that it was taking a lot of negativity with it.
I've been lost in life for a long time and I finally feel like I am back, I've been given the chance to get to know myself in real life and I feel great about that. Life is an amazingly beautiful thing and I'm so glad to be part of it. There are amazing things going on in the universe and we're all more part of it than we could ever imagine. After I came out from the bathroom I sat on the sofa again for a while, greatly shaken, I still didn't think I would ever get back to being myself and I think that's true. at some point while I was sitting on the sofa I noticed that I was able to increase my own vibration. This is difficult to explain but I saw my vibration like a spinning coin that was nearing being flat and with these boings, clicks and whistling noises that I could now mentally create I was able to influence this coin returning it to a full spin which in turn made me feel great again. I envisioned how the whole world could also be likened to the spinning of this coin and how we share a global vibration and that our independant actions and particularly our intention has powerful effect on this.
I feel I no longer can continue in the direction I've been headed as I've been isolating myself from the world more and more and this is the exact opposite of what I now want in life. I've spent the last 2 and a half years in a country away from my home town and I'm considering selling everything. The love I feel for this world is all the joy I need and I'd rather spend the time that I've been using for myself working towards things for the benefit of all that I love.
Thank you all here at DMT-Nexus, the work that you do is amazing, I love you all so much!