One this day, I smoked DMT for the 32 time. This time I smoked it for real. with a MOAI. It will probably be may last. please know that I am not prone to hyperbole. take my words at face value.
I went to hyperspace for 3-4 hours. I struggled to breathe. I feared. I died. I realized what unreality was and why I wanted to so desperately go back to reality. A million images and people and feelings collided chaotically inside, outside, inbetween, nextbetween. Every part of my personality seperated (like oil and vinegar salad dressing) then each said their goodbyes and moved to a unique place in the pluraverse.

I realized the things that really matter in life. I've always known what they were. But returning to your life after you'd died, forgotten and endured a fake heaven and real hell, you see things as they are for the first time. forgive me for my writing. I'm struggling to do this, but must or else I may forget. I will edit again. Brain isn't working well right now.



Prep

2.5-4 g of syrian rue tea in the belly for 45 minutes. listened to Daft Punks album during this time. 25 mg of white spice, two hits at first, then a chaser (getting the remnants off) one minute later.

Beginning:

The rue tea was nasty going in. I'm still quesy now.
Onset felt like many of the others. Except this time I retained "my mind", and did not forget.

During

Hyperspace got really intense. For me, hyperspace is a creation of my mind - a part of my mind that I in regular life have no conact wiht. It is bright; hues are red, orange, silver, mostly. The darker, wide open "I'm in a shuttle orbiting the moon looking back to earth" version of hyperspace isn't what I expereniced. Just the opposite. CLose. Intimate. Crazy. Pinwheels. Fast.

Now it is still infinite - more like the infinity that exists between 0 and 1 and less 1 to 99999999... Everything was plural. Since my person had been split up, I was expereiencing 4 or 5 visions at the same time. Sometimes I'd shift primary focus between my brain, my body, the real world, the hyperspace embodiment of myself, my inner voice, the instinct behind my voices.

Anyway, back to the narrative.
I was there, in hyperspace, in a room(s) I hear voices. The insanty of randomness parades on by, and the novelty is acceptable for about 1 hour. Then I turn the corner into the 2nd hour, where a stronger meta voice asks, "Will I ever get back?". I really start to feel the pain of the rue inside my belly and I'm grateful I'm bouncing between visions so I don't have to be obsorbed by it, since it is magnified by X4. I fear greatly and its really at this time I understand the things I miss about reality.

My endurance to have a shred of consciousness is gone at 1.5 hours in, so I'm thrown like a ragdoll through every memory I can grab, going through all the words I know. Feeling terrible.

I physicalyy, in the real world go to the bathroom. I am not in command of my body. This is bad. very bad. Like a video game that's lagging, my directions are being processed 1 minute late and the body has its own operating system. I find my way upstairs and repeat at least 300 times, stay here.

After plopping down on the couch, I lose it. I'm terrified. I stop breathing. I honestly feel like I'm dying and this hellscape is my new reality. I make peace with that but cry over the severing of the connections to my mortal life. I think of my spouse. Our love. I want our love to remain. I say his name over and over and over. Even if its not true, I want it to be true. Even if its false, there is no better way to "live" than beliving it is true. That love matters. You matter because you love and are loved. I think of my children. I weep into an ocean of emotions. I am beyond exhausted. Flashes of pornagraphic images come to mind and I turn them away. I don't want them, even though I've spent enough time looking at them they are deep inside my memory. I feel like I'm painfully defragging my hardrive. All the bad things I've done are really obvious at this point - I see how others may see me. I know I've done good things, but as Stanis Barrethoen says, "The good does not wash out the bad, nor the bad the good." I swear that I will change and that am changing at a cellular level now. This expereince, btw, is 100% different than other spiritual, christian experience. Just saying.

About at the turn of the 3rd hour, I cry for help. I want this to be over, telling myself, "I don't feel good" and "I will return". I want this to end more than I've ever wanted anything else. I know that my wanting does no good and I'll return when DMT gets cleared out of my system. If I'm still alive. I want to sleep and do - but its an inception-esq sleep where each exhaustion and fainting is really another rabbit hole that I tumble down. I do a good job of letting go and embracing where I have willpower and consciouness.


At 3.5 hours, I get glimpses of the real reality. I see out of my own eyes again, though its distorted. When closing them I am catapulted back into space. I'm slowing, acrutiatingly, floating back to the surface. This relief mentally is balanced by the severve discomfort of the onset of body load.

I finially get to a workable state and try to puke.

******

Memorable moments

I am me. I love my spouse. Love is all that matters. Action is the only real way to express love.
I'm okay with dying. I'm pretty good at meta-analysis and looking at the big picture. I'm okay at accepting things at they are. I have lots of things I want to tweak. So much more I want to give. I'm glad to be back. I probably will never return to hyperspace - there is so much work to be done here. I have a pretty good understanding of who I am and what I do when faced with extremes or the unimaginable, since I didn't have to imagine.

I experienced.

Thank you. Bless you. I hope you find happiness and can garner the strength to make the world better. I've resolved to the better version of myself. For you and for me.

Love,

-FF

"Be the change you want to see in the world". Ghandi.

Smile intezam has been there Shocked (using brew and out-of-the-bag-pouring-method- 6+ hrs) - almost very same story Surprised . And yes, we did whine: H E L P ! And help came...Thumbs up ..but not from Dūraoša. Instead, it said, this would (THE All Shocked being hurled at us) never, never ever stop, but speeeeeeeeeeed up more, MORE, MORE

...we experienced not only our own death by crushing, but the cosmic malhama (the eschaton) and we forgot to breathe...every breath from there came with a yes/no decision making process...

Anyway: trust has not been completely broken - as we detected some wrathful compassion in all that (in retrospect).

You could tried that earlier in the heat of "too much". Even when you're not feeling nausea and stomach is empty you can still gulp down warm water, a few cups, wait for some minutes, and stick the finger in to force a vomit, try to empty the stomach completely. Doing that picture releasing the burdening parts, expelling them out. It's a hardware trick to change frequencies with a high rate of success, if only partly.

It is believed the puke starts the intensity, that is true if the heat has not begun, but if the top has reached already, the puke has a high rate in smoothing things to more comfortable.

And you weren't 100% real dead, far from that, all of your body features were pretty much in tip top shape even when you felt separated from them.
"Software" wise, yes, there is pretty much possible. In one of mine I learned how it is to be utterly driven into insanity, still I was clear enough to reflect this state: ohhh pure insanity could be like this, and felt since then much compassion toward people who are wired this way as their natural state, and feel for those who are not being able to restore a stable condition.

Never say never again......

The 'vaporhuasca' experience really is something else and it makes the 'regular' non-RIMA enhanced breakthrough seem trite in comparison. These realms, IM(single)E, are far, far too extreme and require a careful evaluation of the risk-benefit ratio before undertaking such a venture;it also raises questions on the subject of how real is real. To quote Gibran2, "Thank God for forgetfulness" but there remains an essence of the experience, an intangible quality which IME does remain. Ones ability to integrate such an event will be tested to the extreme but if done so successfully it can have great benefits in keeping much of life and its travails in perspective.

i'm sorry you went through that. i had no idea a vaporhuasca trip could last over 3 hours, most reports i've read say 40-60 minutes, but i believe that was with freebase harmalas not rue tea. this certainly makes me rethink making my vaporhuasca plunge in the near future.

Sounds like a rough one . that pure white spice can be deadly when combined
with an maoi. This is why I advise caution and careful attention to dose
on a regular basis on here. This kind of experience is something you can't
imagine possible until your in it. The difficulty in breathing thing is a tough thing to deal
with, I've had that myself . It usually triggers instant panic and all methods of coping
go out the window at that point turning into a struggle to survive . It's not a fun thing.

On several sessions, 100 mg harmalaHCL was injected rectally into the squirrel, only needing 3 to 4 ml water for that, so not that much of a deal to hold it in, and if a release feeling occurs, holding in 30 minutes is plenty enough. The harmalas are kicking in pretty strong after 30 min, indicating time for vape. Then 15 to 20 range (yellow-ish color) has been essayed and was not a dangerously high dose, considering this safe. But I recon a 25 makes a serious difference with 15 - 20 in this style, hence the trepidation.

Okay ladies and gents, I'm back! And it feels great not to be dead. I'm going to answer questions as best I can and correctly slightly what I've written before. As mentioned before, I wrote this post under much duress after a mind-shattering 4 hour trip. Many detail were left out, and many of you can attest that to fully document a trip of even 15 minutes could take a hundreds of pages, since you have to "world-build" the framework as well as detail the events.




Intezam, I don't understand a word you're saying.
But I fully understand what you mean.




I agree on the compassion part fully. That is a beautiful thought. As for the other tips on vomiting, its a series of ifs. If I had know to do that. If I could have remembered that knowledge. If there was a part of me still alive to try to control my physical body.

One time, about 2:45 in, I had an arm underneath my head while laying down on the couch. Eyes open, I thought I was back to waking consciousness, albeit a drunken one. Then I pushed my hand all the way through my head and into my body. My fingers were ape fingers, thick and fuzzy. I'm not sure I could have navigated even a simple task like rolling.



Now that I am in possession of sound mind and body, I agree. *Never* is a harsh word. I'd need a long time before I vaporhusca again, but I'll probably vape 20-30mg doses until I run out of my remaining 1 g of spice. Except that I'll probably need to wait a week.

You've said it quite well in respect to the RUE hyperspace. I actually had that though, in the thralls of eternity's gastric system (yes, that's where I was briefly), "This is too much but after an eon I will eventually forget and when I forget it will have never happened."

This also dovetails into an insight I have about Elohim and Jehovah, when they state that after being forgiven that God will remember your sins no more. Its not that God deletes (or even *could*) any memory in his/her hard drive; this would be imperfection. Rather, God chooses never to access that file in mercy, and wouldn't bring it up like an ex-girlfriend ... "Remember that time you XYZ?! HMMMM!?" IMO, remembering is a verb, and one of the most powerful spiritual practices I've found in scripture.

I am excited to see how much I can course correct and drop bad habits and love more.




Thank you. I don't know you but I'm giving you a hug. That is a very nice thing to say.
Rest assured that vaporhuasca can easily last 3-4 hours, with a 2 hour drunken disorientation stage post. Following that, I "slept" and dreamt. It was an echo of the experience I just had, except smooth, gentle, dreamlike. Fairly lucid (as apposed to assultingly lucid, like the trip). Wandering. Forgotten like dew that gets burned off by morning sun. A potentiated dream, maybe 3-5% of what I just experienced, visually - no consciousness separation or body feelings.

Certainly re-think it. But for me, without the agony, could there be the ecstasy? When I did this, I too thought it would like trip reports of vaped dmt + vaped MOAI in time length. I previously resigned to the possibility of extreme trips, so I'm not sorry that I had a DMT trip I couldn't "handle".

If I wanted to have a safe trip, would it have the power to save my soul? Heroic dose +1.



It felt like my mind was giving birth - with all the grossness and pain and potential love that it entails. Continue advising caution, that is a heartfelt thing to do. I thank you for your wisdom, both for me and the others that have had a chance to hear it.



I've tried anal dosing of DMT and interested in more open honest discussion of rectal administration. Feel free to sound off about what you've tried, no judgement here, I'd love to know more!

25mg was over the top. It was safe, my heart was pounding, but I didn't die. I don't think I have any long term damage.

Let me be more distinct. Safe for the body, not safe for the mind. I definitely get what "ego-shattering" means.

Thanks all for the read and for the interaction!

Just did 25 mg pure yellow spice, and dang, I've learned a lot since my epic death journey.

A lot of real life lessons, many I've touched on above. Some too personal too express, even if I could write them.

Also: I have finally figured out how to smoke my bong. Weird, I know. But 35th time is a charm. I have to inhale much harder- I was going too slow before. Also, I needed to replace my screens far more frequently than I thought. Doing these two things made me not lose my memory after the trip, and the visions were much sharper, less muddled.

As mentioned, I probably will not be doing vapour-huasca for a long time, if ever again. That was frightening, a true "dark night of the soul" type experience. A necessary horror, but profoundly gut wrenching. Lived up to the hype and every warning. I craved an experience I could not handle, something that would truly stretch me ... I got it. Again, I didn't want the pleasure cruise dmt, I came for growth.

This latest trip, btw, was clean- I left my body and personality again, reflected briefly on who Finitefox is or was. I had a pang of fear but soared over it; I remembered the four hour session, had a flashback. I saw a dancing green energy, but nothing that note worthy to the initiated. When I returned, I saw my surroundings again for the first time, as is usual.


For all those who don't break through in the first few attempts, keep hope. It took me 5 months of diligent reading, extracting and smoking to dial it in. Half a year later, it is worth it. You'll probably be a quicker learner than I, so don't worry.

-FF.

Vaped spice + rue tea has given me all of my craziest experiences!

I had one particularly harrowing experience with vapohuasca...rue tea+vaped spice was for years one of my favorite routes. Not the most often taken route, for me, but one that I'd take a few times a year and usually had my favorite experiences. Usually it gave me a profound experience of maybe 30 minutes or so.

The one exception happened a couple years back--and severely altered everything in my life since. It was a good 4+ hour trip from which I barely survived. And it basically stopped my dmt usage. One great thing about your post is that it reminds me--regular vaped spice did not cause my experience, but the rue tea was there too.

I've been thinking i want to go back in...minus the rue/lower dose. Your post helps encourage me. Thanks

I'd love to hear about that 4 hour experience, if you feel comfortable sharing it. Also, what made the difference between the short and long trips , specifically? Dosing?

@FiniteFox

The "100% real death" part of the title on this thread shocks me every time I see it go past me. Maybe it would be useful to adjust your title to something a little closer to what your experience was (you didn’t actually die, did you?).

I get your point, and I'm open to thinking about it. Let me share my perspective and give me your thoughts on it.

I'm kinda partial to the title for a couple reasons.

1. I was still quite sick and exhausted and delirious when I wrote it, and it represented my exact feelings at the time. I had to take seven or eight breaks, just to type it. I was sweating heavily, almost passing out. It was the most pain and discomfort I have ever felt, and I am including some serious stuff in there.

2. While I have never died before, I am unable to imagine the realm of experience in which death resides to be any more visceral than this was. I have had near death experiences,and this topped them. I believe my heart and breath both stopped physically for a time. It seemed like two or three minutes, which felt like an eternity. That's the crazy thing about it ... I know I'm not dead but my death then was as real as anything has ever been.

3. There was a part of me that died that day. A certain type of virginity, gone. I'm not trying to be too much of an Obi Wan Kenobi, but from a certain point of view, a finite portion of Finitefox died and will never return. I am a different lady today.

Let me know what you think.

intezam dies pretty often....

Was just watching a vid from Brian Love on vimeo, where he does some vaporhuasca. His take is that vaporhuasca is more representative of the feminine side of existence because the experience often touches on themes of death/life/rebirth/regular birth. (On a side note, he says fungahuasca is more masculine and orients towards themes of the hero's journey ... any thoughts on that?)

I can very much relate. Looking back on this experience, it is very much an essay on life and death.

I feel like I can definitely relate on this.. Except my "death experience" was on a research chem called 25b.. It was the last time I messed with that stuff. Smoked it on top of some greenary and visuals started coming on fast, then I remember losing it completely lieing there in fear. I felt like I was dead, couldn't control my breathing, rapid heart rate, I started going through a sort of déjà vu thing.. Experiencing the same moment, over and over. Like it was my last. It felt like I was stuck in an infinite loop and that was it, god said I was done. It was over, you went to far. Then all my friends, family, girlfriend, starting going through my mind, memories n such, and I couldn't get over how stupid I felt at the time, that I was dead! And it was it. No going back. It definitely changed me.. Never touched that stuff again.

I too get caught by the hundred percent real death headline. However, i get it, really really do. To this day, my initial 5 methoxy DMT trip was a 'real death'. Feeling my heart stop, watching the last breath leave my body, expanding around my prone body like a puddle of piss. Full on NDE as described in literature, minus an encounter with ant recognizable deity, just sucked from my head, through a tunnel of light into the void. Dead, dead, dead.

And then the rebirth, freeing the devil, killing death, etc.

That was years ago, I'm still trying to make sense of it. Everything in this western materialist culture rejects fully all that i experienced as something more real than anything I'd ever experienced. Now i don't fear death, but it's life here that makes less sense.

I think I know the vid you mean; if its the same one then I reckon his vaporisation technique needed some work.He used a meth style glass pipe and took 2 suboptimal tokes in the one I saw; there was also a post-trip vid where he states 'I f@$kin dare you to smoke DMT' which amused me.

My single experience of proper vaporhuasca had me thinking, a la William Blake, that the real palaces of wisdom had been visited, with the normal DMT breakthroughs being more akin to a library-visit.

My last dmt usage was in combination with caapi tea + vaporized dmt. I probably was not as fully MAOI'd as you were because my trips would last 15-20 minutes. I also only vaped 15 or 20mg at a time. Far from being crazier than normal dmt vaped I found it to be much more beneficial to me and learned more in those experiences than any of my other dmt experiences without. Do you think it was just because of your 25mg dose?

Maybe if you ever use them in combination again start really low with dmt as it gets potentiated. After my vaporhuasca sessions it really feels the best to me and I don't usually use dmt now unless in combination with caapi tea. Now I'm really interested to try it with rue and see if it makes a big difference in the character of the experience.

Just curious now, does anyone know if there's been any recorded deaths by fright on DMT??