I would like to believe that some of you will relate to the lack of desire to paint a picture of yourself... to define, or to draw attention to.

When I was much younger I had this concept that I didn't belong in this world, or that I had chosen to come here to fulfill some purpose. I wasn't clear where I came from, what I was or what I was supposed to do here.




Being human was very frustrating and strange.

I kept on trying to remember, but the whispers of Truth are subtle and easily lost in the barrage of sensations and demands of physical existence.

I have a few fond memories of childhood, mostly of the relationship with realities within me while being on my own, or in stillness.

My teenage years and young adulthood were not pleasant at all. Being very sensitive I was also incredibly naive, and not 'awoken' enough yet to always listen to the still voice within.
So I found myself mixed up with some very dark 'clever' people who introduced me to psychedelics, telepathy, collective consciousness... My human ego danced with theirs for a long time, confused, hopeful, aching, ever more and more twisted...

Nothing in itself is good or bad... all has it's place and purpose, but it is the intention one brings that will color the relationship of one's being.

I do not wish to go into detail regarding the psychological trauma I experienced for many many years as I had to face the darkness in this world and within myself... save to say that I am amazed that I am still here, that I survived, and more...

Passing through hell, and the death of everything that mattered to me or that I thought I was... I find I am nothingness... before and after all things manifest or dissolve, I Am.

I have no definition. Any definition is but a relative perspective - to be dissolved by an alternate or higher perspective, which themselves are just as illusory and transient.

I am not this body. It exists as a dense thought form within infinite space. An anchor.
I am not this mind. It exists but as a tuning fork and focal point of relative perception.
... I do not think, I Am consciousness itself - all thought is formed within me, yet the structure and chemistry of this human mind filters the information so that only a very small fraction of limited information can be tuned into, and further, the 'virtual self' - the dynamic magnetic field of the ego determines which thoughts are gravitated to and personalized.

So, here I Am - participating in a story, sometimes absorbed by opinions and the ego, but often just watching silently as the ego carries out it's programming.

I am on a personal journey - the quest: to dissolve the unconscious ego entirely.

...

I enjoy my own company... not being fond of large gatherings, small talk, or engaging in most human social customs.

To survive financially I create colorful expressions and products reminiscent of the beautiful subtle worlds and creatures I find within myself. These I supply to shops and sell at trade festivals.




I also make Ice Cream. Really really good Ice Cream.


Edit:

After having a good night's sleep, I realized that there is a lot of waffle in my intro, and very little actually pertaining to why I decided to join this online community, so here goes:

So in my younger years I experimented with numerous substances, taking LSD a few times, but my most frequent and profound experiences were with Magic Mushrooms (Large doses... I once took 10grams, an experience I will not be repeating!)

During this time I realized how damaged I was as a human and decided to steer clear of psychoactives (and other drugs / stimulants) until I had processed and come to terms with everything that had been revealed to me in those experiences.

It has taken me many many years to put enough pieces of the puzzle together to understand everything that happened to me and what this world really is and how I may exist here productively, honestly, and in relative comfort.

I am fast reaching a point where I will be able to live true to myself.
- In 3 and a half months I will either be closing my shop, or handing it over to someone else so that I may move outside of conventional society and live in a little cabin in the woods.

There I will spend my time communing with Nature, soul searching, and creating my art in any way I choose.
The place is secluded, nestled within lush vegetation in an undisturbed forest. While a few kilometers outside of civilization, There are farms and dairies nearby as well as a convenience store with the basics... nearest town is 30min away, while major city is about an hour in the opposite direction.

Up until about a week ago I had no intention to revisit psychedelics, as I had managed to process enough within myself to have healed a great deal of my issues and to become sensitive to other 'states of reality', and to communicate (though rarely) with beings I call my kindred, who are not incarnate here on Earth.

I was at peace and filled with enthusiasm for being alive in this rather strange place and form.

But my kindred, as always, knew more than I and decided that I now needed to build a relationship with 'The Spirit Molecule', and so they brought it to my awareness.

At present I am simply absorbing information.
The picture that is being hinted at by my kindred is of me living in this place, growing various teacher plants and with the guidance of my kindred, developing a number of meditation practices / techniques involving these plants that will amplify my awareness and connection to my kindred and also to all life in this world and the greater multiverse.

The work I create (co-create) with this developing awareness will be imprinted with sacred information and will affect those that come into contact with it... allowing my kindred to subtly work with other human beings that need assistance, that may not be able to tune in due to the extensive frequency control still very present on this planet.

Of course, I will share anything important that could be of help here, and I appreciate the existence of these forums and am grateful for all of you.

Peace, Love and Light.

we love your introduction

Why thank you!

I've been a bit busy the past week dealing with the complications of the physical world... I.e the postal strike in my country that has been going on for over 3 months and has thrown a serious spanner in the works of my business. I have a big shipment of stock from India that is stuck in the system, that I was supposed to receive a while ago in order to paint and dye in time for season.

There is no sign of the strike ending and I strongly suspect I won't be seeing that stock until season is over.

I would normally say I was deeply concerned / worried... but actually the emotion I feel is acceptance and curiosity.

What is the universe up to? I am fully aware that my life has been largely orchestrated, and that I am now being moved in a certain direction.
Some casual divination has indicated that the upcoming move will be very successful and that financially not only is there nothing to worry about, but will be a step up as well.

So this major spanner in the works is therefore not a hindrance. I understand that, but haven't grasped it's purpose yet.

In my spare time I've been looking into seed availability of the Phalaris species.

... but then again the postal strike is going to complicate that as well.
It is good that I am patient.

We hope everyone's demands will soon be met and the parcel will be delivered soon

I can totally relate with you on so many levels. That's was a great essay, I really enjoyed reading it. I share a lot of your feelings, but drinking ayahuasca has really helped me out with that. Just the knowledge that it's effects are even possible and that I somehow unlocked this secret has totally changed my life. You will really enjoy growing the plant teachers then connecting with them. It's much more fufilling than ordering them online. They're living beings and just sharing space with them and keeping them happy for me is awsome.

Welcome to the nexus. Great peice of art btw

on some levels I can definitely relate to your message.

You can feel welcome here,
and I wish you well in your endeavours.

Hey Fae,

Thanks for taking the time to write such a lovely essay. As for the postal strike, I can relate to your frustration. My parcels have been arriving intermittently, but have taken considerably longer than one would expect. In the southern region of the country parcels seem to be arriving more frequently but anything coming in from outside the country seems to be a nightmare at the moment (as I am sure you are aware). I sincerely hope that your stock arrives in time for the holiday season and that your business is able to flourish during this period.

Welcome!