Greetings everybody,

My life started out normally. I've had ADHD since childhood. Funny thing now is, I no longer crave attention; I fear it. Sometime in late 2010 I developed social anxiety and a multitude of other psychiatric disabilities. I am also bipolar I. It is very difficult for me to be even typing here, writing this message. My most recent episode is of anhedonia, and it's been ongoing for a very long time. I was the total opposite before all these mental disabilities came into play. I used to work as a club promoter, dealing with over a hundred people on good nights. Now, I am enveloped in fear whenever I so much as walk out of the house.

I was extremely suicidal, so much that I had to be admitted in a mental health facility from june-july. I've been unemployed quite a while. I can't work. Not even at home. It's like some part of my brain just decided to cease to function.

Crystal is one of the things that helped destroy my life. I thought I needed it at first, because it really helped with the anxiety and mood stabilizing. I've been off it since june.

I've seen a lot of documentaries, etc about aya. I need help. Has anybody here encountered aya in the Ph islands? Also, I hope you guys can share information about how DMT blends with mental issues you might have. Did it help? Did your condition become worse? How so?

Don't treat the aya as a cure, more as a helpful guide. You can only cure yourself, help is just a necessity sometimes.

Ibogaine is considered very strong for helping correct the imbalance caused by such caustic drugs.

Regarding the Aya, it's not going to be common there, if only for the reason that the native plants are not there. Thats not to say there arent dmt plants. Acacia is local around there and I'm pretty ure it contains its own beta-carbolines, someone correct me if I'm wrong.

Mushrooms would probably be a good thing to look into as well. Though, with your condition it would be wise to have a sitter with you. Doing powerful psychedelics in your state of mind, alone, is dangerous. You could act rashly and decide to jump out a window or something. Set and setting is crucial, but so is state of mind.

Also, if you are bipolar and taking any kind of SSRI, you cannot take aya. Have you tried more traditional forms of therapy? Perhaps a daily meditation practice would help as well, taking an active role in going within to the Silence for a root cause to your issue.

These plants are teachers. They are not a fix-all. They can help show you things in a whole new light, but the student must integrate the lessons of the Teacher in order for them to be effective.

Ibogaine would be something to look into, I have no personal experience with it, unfortunately, but I read that is a marvelous teacher to learn from.

Hey razatroc Different rolls of the dice, y'know?

I would like to suggest that you firstly take care with where you are at now..I mean, there is no rush in going into any entheogen with all of this on your plate. Sure, ayahuasca is known to heal people with traumatic history, but for the most part, these people that are cared for are getting professional care, paperwork and commitment to go to SA and have a process of healing.

Do take care of yourself. It's important to be aware of all possible implications of your decision.

Hi razatroc, sorry to hear about your mental health issues. I can appreciate how tough it must be for you to talk about what you've gone through and I'd like to encourage you to share as much as you feel comfortable sharing.

With that said, we generally do not give medical advice here as none of us (well, with one notable exception, corpus callosum) are medical professionals. We don't have the training or skill-sets to diagnose you or advise you on the safety of using these compounds...even a medical doctor or medical health professional would need to see you in-person in order to assess your condition and the safety/risks posed here.

Please have a look at the Health and Safety section of the wiki. There is a lot to consider when weighing whether or not to take psychedelics under optimal conditions. I would urge you to use the utmost caution and restraint; these experiences can be some of the most powerful experiences a person might ever encounter in their entire life.

With the issues you've outlined in your posts, I would strongly urge you to avoid psychedelics for the time being and see if you can get better guidance from a trained medical professional in the real world.

Welcome to the Nexus, it's good to have you here

^^ This!
Of course you should only look into it under the guidance of an experienced professional after you have already chosen to make some positive changes. The more preparation you do beforehand, the higher your chances of success (whatever you define that as) and the easier things will be. Of course it's still a very difficult journey, but you can do it.

Identifying problems is the first step.

i second this

meditation , quality sleep and physical workout , are the best things you can do for yourself right now

you need to make a commitment to your well being

You really shouldn't kill yourself before trying this. My opinion is that the only thing you need to be cautious of is the setting and possible interactions with any psych meds. As long as the plants you use are the right ones and you have a bucket close for purging. It would be helpful to have someone with you who is experienced even if it is just so much that they know how to brew it up and know enough to be close and give you space.
By a weird twist of fate a couple of weeks after my own suicide was averted only because of a pharmacist's mistake I tried DMT for the first time. Little by slowly I find pleasure in helping others and that gives purpose to my existence that was not there before. It is my opinion that at least some of, if not all the folks who are cautioning you here are doing so because it is such a powerful experience that they are compassionately concerned that the same experience that was so terrifyingly intense that it BARELY is something to be done might somehow go negatively for you. Ego Death can be frightening and resisting it makes it more so until the point where I am offering my mind, body and soul, to what I feel is a very uber-present being. This class of substances is called ENTHEOGENIC for a reason.
"Pain is the touchstone for spiritual Growth" Whatever your decision know that there are many here and everywhere that care wether or not you are in pain. Sometimes it helps my own decision making process to stop, take a deep breathe, and ask myself :"What would a smart person do" Welcome to the nexxus

"Further up and further in"
Aslan

i third this, all three things will hugely beneift the balance of your overveiw on life... i'd also say eat as healthy as you can, maybe introduce some vegiterian foods and some raw food into your diet. Just be consious of your body, mind and spirit and you will feel the difference slowly reverberate through all of your being. It's a hard place to pull yourself from, but don't look for easy answers. It has to come from you and i believe it starts with getting your circadian rhythm back and really focusing on your bodies health.

I'm going to follow what others have said and take it further: I doubt you're going to get what you want out of ayahuasca in your current state of mind. Some people might find it helpful to think of the plants as giving us answers, but I personally look at hallucinogens as the trigger for realizing things you already know. I'm not saying that ayahuasca will necessarily be dangerous (although it could be, especially from a pharmacological perspective if you're on psychiatric medication, as others have said), but it may not give you the answers you're looking for. It sounds like you're already getting some therapy, at least from a psychiatrist, but you may want to talk to a counselor. They'll be able to help you sort things out much more effectively than anyone here!

Hey man, I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. I too have an addiction history, albeit heroin, not meth. That shit is a nasty nasty synthetic with tons of bad energy wrapped up in it.

While my DMT experiences i consider to be integral to the healing path I've been in since my initiation, i don't recommend any psych to you in the acute state of distress you've described. Even if you've read every exp report here, and done allot of other psychs, you are still unprepared for the intensity, the REALITY of hyperspace. Do your research, meet people, hang out her and get to know the forum abs the posters here, it is the best place for info.

While i spend a lot of time hanging out on soapboxes proselytizing, i only advocate responsibility. To see your mind in it's fragile state shattered by the touch of an all powerful hand would be a tragedy none wants to see.

And as for suicide, the realization that there is indeed a far greater power than i (and you)that we are parts of, removed the possibility for me. But until you too get there, know this:SUICIDE IS THE MOST SELFISH AND COWARDLY THING A HUMAN CAN DO. Unless you have the support of loved ones in a euthanasia scenario, there is never a legit reason. You are here, like it, know it, or not, people love and need you. Suicide is self propagating. I've seen four deaths follow a suicide within a year due to tyre destruction one person's callous decision. I'm sorry, i can't mince words on the subject. I don't even know you, but now as vetted member of this community, you've saddled yourself with more responsibility.

We are here for you man. I've made this a large part of my support network and invite you to do the same. It may take time to get back, but feel free to PM me if you need. I'm just a struggling dude who lives with PTSD,suicidal ideation, addiction and depression. But I've found natural, healthy alternatives to wallowing in pain that don't necessarily involve that rarest of resources, other good human beings .

So peace man, happy trails, wipe away the tears and don't be afraid to cry more. We love you.

it has nothing to do with being a coward.

To the OP,

start asking the right people for help, a drug forum is just not the place.

take care

Incredible Judgement on display here. "People pontificate that suicide is a coward's act. Couldn't be further from the truth: suicide takes tremendous courage." ---- Cloud Atlas

courageous or not .........do not make yourself your own enemy

is it the thing you want to remember yourself by ?........for all eternity

do you love yourself ? ........ask this

also life is temporary ......one day you'll have to die ...whether you like it or not ......just enjoy your time here while it lasts

no need to rush towards death ......its inevitable

it's true, you are only going to hear personal perspectives that may or may not be relevent to you.

some of it could be positive, but you need to seek professional help.