Hello Nexians,

I may be new here, and my experience is limited in psychedelics. One of the main reasons I'm considering their use is to combat my maddeningly destructive habits.

I feel like when anything good comes into my life, I seek to destroy it unconsciously. Whether it be a relationship, a job, a car, or a friendship, I somehow manage to ruin it. I've never had a friendship last more than 5 years up until recently (only one has achieved anything more), and my longest romantic relationship has only been 10 months.

I often am accused of being attacking, defensive, and highly judgmental. I seem to always do something wrong in a romantic relationship. I'm prone to extreme bursts of anger, often debilitating and blinding to me. I lose control of myself, and it scares me beyond all reason. And in relationship, if I feel ignored, my anxiety goes through the roof. I worry and get obsessive, and make accusations. I hate my insecurity, I hate myself because of it. I'll do anything to fix it, I'm tired of struggling with it. And don't get me started on my social anxiety and awkwardness...

Please, fellow Nexians, should I follow my gut and follow this pathway? Or should I disavow psychedelics altogether?

Here is a topic I made a few weeks ago. We sound somewhat similar:

https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=58247

I have a lot of these same characteristics. I have been called judgmental by many people, I have an extremely shitty temper and have very violent physical displays of anger (putting holes in walls, ripping doors off hinges, caving in my own car door in public with my foot while random people stood around staring at me in horror, etc., although I've always maintained the self control to never get into a physical altercation with another person, no matter how good I think it will feel), have extreme bursts of anxiety when I "feel ignored," as you put it, and seemingly destroy good things that come into my life without any intention. I know it's happening as it's happening, and I can see the end result in my mind, but it always goes to fruition.

What is your experience with psychedelics? Personally, I've found them to be indispensable to dealing with some of these problems, especially DMT and Psilocybin; I've recently come to terms with the fact that Cannabis does more harm than good for me. What other drugs do you do? Caffeine? Tobacco? Pharmaceuticals? Are you healthy? Do you exercise? Do you practice any sort of meditation?

I've found that, at least for me, I have to pretty much do everything "right" for my mind to function properly. I've been diagnosed with God knows how many psychiatric disorders at this point, so saying that I have a few screws loose and a lot less leeway with my health than a "normal" person is an understatement. I didn't start seeing positive results with my mental health until I overhauled my physical health: lots more exercise, focusing on nutrition and dieting a lot more, minimizing (hopefully completely removing, eventually) caffeine intake, practicing yoga/meditation daily...healthy body = healthy mind. This is a concept not many people seem to understand, but it's simple logic. Your body is basically a machine: if you give it the fuel it needs and maintain and care for it, your mental health will follow your physical health; if you eat fast food three times a day, have five cups of coffee a day, burn through a pack of cigarettes every day, and spend your spare time sitting in front of a TV while your brain melts...your mental health will reflect this. This is doubly true for people who are slightly "off" - not that I'm suggesting you have a psychiatric disorder, but you've stated you have bursts of anxiety and anger.

I will warn you however, that when you do have an ego-shattering trip on a high dose of mushrooms or experience a DMT breakthrough, it's not very pretty. In fact, it's terrible. There have been times where I'll be rolling around in bed, sobbing hysterically, desperately trying to hold onto reality as I'm being picked apart, piece by piece, being explicitly shown every flaw of my character, every mistake I've made in my life, every wrong I've ever done.

But I've come out of it feeling better than I ever have before.

I was afraid of an ego dissolution of that magnitude...I know what has to be done now. I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar disorder, Depression, psychosis, been hospitalized 2x for suicide. I'm getting tired of this struggle, which is why SWIM is considering compounding LSA tincture via the acetone tek. But mushrooms have seemed to me to be the most powerful changers in this regard, along with DMT...looks like I know what I need

I have no experience with LSA so I can't speak to that. However, I will definitely say that Psilocybin has probably had the most profound impact on my life up to this point, especially in doses in the 5g+ range. DMT helps a lot as well, but the journeys are so short and sometimes hard to integrate. Do you have any experience/any knowledge of Ayahuasca? I have no experience with this myself but have heard that it works with wonders, as many people on this board will tell you.

Let me know if I can be helpful in any other way. Godspeed on your journey.

If you dont take meds you could try smoking/vaping harmalas everyday theyre deep but grounding and are good anti-anxiety They switch off the fight or flight response that is present during periods of high anxiety.
Being really angry is liberating but ultimately not beneficial as it feeds itself and usually results in destruction.
CBD oil or a CBD dominant strain may help on a day to day basis too, CBD has been seen in some studies to be an effective antipsychotic.

You'd probably do well to do some sort of meditation or yoga practice first, or getting out in nature and developing all the healthy habits (including good diet) before/in addition to injesting drugs. There's no such thing as a quick fix.

I am inclined to agree with jungleheart here.

There will be no easy and quick fix. You weren't born with this personality that you dislike, it developed over time.

You know we have a great advantage over most animals. Though we are prone to behaviors we cannot control at times and even so-called instinctual behaviors, we have the advantage of standing upon a platform of self-observation. Just as you have done here. Thus, openings present for self-healing over time. Self-awareness is the first step.

I would encourage you to concertedly embark upon a program of self-love and treating yourself and everything in your world with a bit more caring. I would encourage you to be kind to yourself. Eat good regular food, preferably scratch cooked rather than processed, make sure you get regular rest/sleep, make yourself exercise at least a bit each day, preferably rigorously. Get outside at least once a week - get away to an environment that is less people filled and more nature-ifiic.

I would also encourage you to begin a regular and ongoing meditation practice. It does not have to be anything fancy. Just force yourself to sit for 10 minutes a day and empty your thoughts of every single thing except your easy and natural, hopefully at least somewhat abdominal, breaths. Sure this sounds easy but it can be really difficult. When other thoughts interfere, gently push them away (there will be time later) and get back to your breath.

I also agree somewhat with the above poster - if you are not on any prescription meds, especially ones with prohibitions about combining MAOIs - I would encourage you to begin consuming an MAOI brew about once a month or more often if you feel it necessary.


Work on treating yourself well, on loving yourself, on isolating and dealing with some of this anger/rage/anxiety/sadness that lies within. You can accept and understand your toxic parts, even let them out once in awhile, without letting them control you and "ruin" your life.

The whole you is important and deserves to be loved. Whatever happened in the past, and most of us here have real whoppers of a story, understand this: Your life is like a tapestry of incredibly complex weft and weave. Every single thread is important/essential. Remove even one and the gorgeous tapestry is radically diminished from what it was when it was whole.

I do hope you find some success or at least relief over time. You are not on an easy path, but I applaud you for wanting to improve yourself and your life and I KNOW it is possible to do just that.

Are you the pilot in the airplane journey that is your life? Or are you in the back with a bunch of weird puffed up wannabes and closed windows, drinking, smoking, eating crap, bragging about other flights, about conquests, about money about endless things that are not important and not good for you or your plane?

If you are in the back, I encourage you to take some steps towards the cockpit. Even if you don't choose to take the stick right now, at least look around, maybe look out the window a bit. . . .

Warm Regards,
Pandora

I am in the same situation really. I found I have multiple aspects to myself, as we all do.

Basically we have a hurt inner child, who is still lashing out at the world and stuck in 'fear' mode.

I grew up watching people getting chopped to death. Then I came to the UK and watched people get smacked up left right and centre. People robbing each other, people deceiving each other for gain, people causing all sorts of damage.

Now 10 years has gone past and a new breed of Self arises. The language is a little more complex and understanding. I watch the hoodrats use words that they would never have dreamed of, as intelligence starts to become sexy and aggro behaviour begins to die the now fated death it must die. It has been a long time coming but I feel that humanity is finally ready to release the throes of violence.


In any case, the various class groups react differently. You can look at hoodrats as the immune system cells, they secure the perimeter and ensure that the tribe is safe and secure. They're engrossed into the world of gang violence, getting ahead/hustling and poverty but as a collective we're making headway as bit by bit. The wealthy folks are scared shitless of the hoodrats knowing that in one instant they could be switched offline and bam goes all their wealth and bam goes all they lived for. So there's a bridging between the worlds, a little give or take. The upper class are starting to feel the brunt of what they've put out. Each class has different struggles. In royalty class the struggle is to maintain the kingdom in working order while preserving one's ability to live individually. In the upper class the struggle is to keep the good works rolling forth without standing in the way of the royalty and without trampling on those below. In the poor class the struggle is the same old struggle with a different day but even in this one Light is being shined upon. Anyway that's what I'm seeing, I don't know fully how there-with-it this particular segment of my post is, it's just observation and analysis.


Anyway in my case this led to the development of a raw ego that strives to maintain a safe boundary, a safe distance, a safe surrounding space. If this is satisfied the true self is able to express freely and give what it needs to give. However if this is not satisfied, then the self constricts heavily and a diluted or filtered version of me comes out.

Yesterday or the day before I finally managed to cry out a hurt I had been holding in for some time. Basically the trick to healing this personality issue is to speak to yourself and find out what these individual parts are saying or doing to each other. It's a massive web of selves which react and respond to each other and directly to You as well. Each self has been hurt in some way, each self is a hurt which has developed a life of its own and is trying to express itself so as to find Love in the moment and consequently find dissolution. The ego construct as a whole may try to inhibit or block progress but this is a sign that you've struck Lead and it's that Lead you need to turn into Gold.

Crying heals, psychotherapeutic bodywork heals. What Akasha224 said works and it does the job. But things like yoga, diet, exercise, etc, these are the outward manifestations of the Self which is trying to heal. They are not the cure itself but they are the medicines which will activate/catalyse healing. The real work is to be done on your emotional innermost self, the hurt child complex. You need to speak to your childhood self and find all the pieces and pick them all up and put them together. The same soothing gentle touch you would handle a child with, the same soothing gentle touch you handle your inner self with.

Then it begins to respond to you. He/she will tell you why they feel hurt as long as they feel actually safe. You have to treat it EXACTLY how you would treat a child, there is a real physical child within you that is hurting and needs to let go but doesn't know how. So in your adult self, you talk to your child self gently and lead them into the Light. Tears will be shed and they will be the most liberating tears you will ever shed, as you shed through layer upon layer.

I have been meditating for enough years, and I will tell you straight up that while meditation does work and does what it needs to, it is not the one which will heal you directly. Meditation opens the door to healing but it is you yourself who shall walk through that door into your very own loving arms. The real tool is crying. Everything else is secondary. Only through crying can you release the intoxicating toxins within - the deep seated emotional fears and the patterns of conditioning.

This journey doesn't end with spiritual enlightenment either, let me put it that way. You have to keep shedding the layers, constantly, as the barrage of social conditioning every day reconditions you one way, then you shed tears and recondition yourself the other way. But as you progress through this, the social conditioning will cease to be an obstacle. You will find a new maturity underlying your conversations. You will be able to talk to people you hadn't been able to talk to before in ways you hadn't been able to talk in before. This is the crucial difference that signals that you're on the right path and taking the right steps.


Emotion is stored in the body and sorrow can only be cried out, there is nothing else to do with sorrow but to cry it out. If you hold it in, it spreads through your organs and generates the 'hurt ego lashing out' complex. If you cry it out, it comes out of the body and more room is opened to begin feeling the things you want to feel. It can feel like an uphill struggle at times but basically do two things

(1) Keep communicating with yourself. Open up to your own self. Talk directly to yourself and respond directly. Do not force the response or imagine it, when you talk to yourself you will find that your self replies back and points straight to where you need to go

(2) Keep communicating with The God/Nature/Tao/Spirit/Universe/whatever you want to call it. This is your failsafe, your trust. The same thing which brought you into being, it will take care of your spiritual needs and manifest situations for you in which you will be free to choose to heal. If you don't believe in anything then just use (1) and you will get results as long as you treat yourself kindly.


And most of all, learn to cry again. Learn to cry out the pains and they will finally let go of you. Age old festering wounds, rubbing up against each other, wounds will heal, scab over and return to brand new pristine condition thereafter.

I strongly recommend you read this link, and browse through the whole site. It's liquid gold for people like ourselves

http://www.cyquest.com/p...y/healing_self_hate.html

"We can't solve a problem with the same kind of thinking we used when we created it."

Obsession, Fear, Self-loathing and Isolation are what I used to feed my addiction. Self-defeating learned behaviors we called them. It only made the fear stronger and the insecurities worse. I know exactly what you are talking about when you say you unconsciously seek to destroy things close to you.

Today I still have defects, many of them I am unwilling to let go. But I could not imagine some of the things I am able to do today, which previously were impossible. 'We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.' It works bit by bit everyday that I work at it.

I don't believe it was coincidence I was listening to Alan Watts today, and he hit the nail on the head.



Erm, a little more Alan Watts for context of the above.