Hello everyone. After doing my research on Ayahuasca for the last few weeks, months even, I finally figured I would join the community.
I’m 39, living in the Netherlands. Most would probably think I did my fair share of weed, but actually I think I never even touched the stuff. Im not sure why, but for starters, I was pretty “anti-drugs” when I was a teen. Also, none of my friends did it (or smoked), which is a big factor at that age. Alcohol was enough probably. I have done Salvia a few times, not very heavy dosages, but enough to get that “multiple reality feeling”. It was some time ago, but I would like to do it again, I still have some 20x extract. I also did an Iboga session. I’ll get back to that, but that was one reason eventually wanting to do Ayahuasca.
Leading up to this, I have had a rough couple of years. Maybe not as rough as some, but still I really feel like additional insights could help. Im not completely sure of what will happen, or if some breakthrough will come in just one session. But I do feel like most of what happened in my earlier life has lead me to this. From early teens I always had this insatiable thirst for knowledge, scientific, but also spiritual/paranormal etc. There probably a lot of subjects around that I don’t know at least something about. But, I must admit, I have had my ups and downs regarding this and have fallen from my “faith” (I don’t fancy any specific religion as such, but you get the drift) more than once.
A little more than two years ago things stopped working very suddenly. I felt I ran into a wall, almost quite literally. There was work, yes, heavy pressure, almost going nuts because of the ridiculous expectations. I crashed hard. Heavy burnout was the diagnosis, but having undergone therapy, it seems it is a lot more than that. It was also a nice bonus that at that exact moment I caught my then girlfriend cheating, so that ended too. In a matter of months I lost my job, my car and could not do anything. I could not even watch a movie or read a book; after 10 mins I was just staring at the wall again like a zombie. Nothing could hold my interest, everything was completely bland. I always thought people that complained about a burnout weren’t used to anything, but now I would not wish it for my worst enemy. Its terrible and 2 years later it still isn’t completely out of my system, though things are a lot better. I finally found work earlier this year, but there remains this somewhat bland dull side to me. Like there is little in the world that truly matters and society seems to do pretty much everything, but those few things that do matter. Weltschmerz, as they say.
About a year ago I did an Iboga session, partially since in the meantime I picked up the bottle to fill the emptiness. Iboga is pretty rough physically I must say. Also, 12+ hours of non stop images drains you to your core. But somehow I had different expectations from it, it was almost a bit too “dream like”. I long for a more intense experience of exploration actually. Exploring my personal issues, most importantly my direction in life, since I feel that this is were I keep bumping into walls: what is my passion and why is it evading me? That and about a thousand other questions regarding life, the universe, reality.
So during the Iboga, I overheard them talking about Ayahuasca and that term stuck to me.
So here it is: about a week ago I did my first session,
description can be found in the first experiences sub forum. I think the dose was a bit too low, yet there were one or two very peculiar things about it.