Note: Do not mean to intruse into anyone's beliefs, but just letting you know that since I do, I will mention Him in the following writing.

Where to begin?

I am writing this after a partial recovery from a drug that I will not mention due to the forum's rules. Needless to say, the experience was the most unwelcome and dreaded thing I have experienced my whole entire life.

On the positive side, I now know my total and definite stand in respect to any kind of psychedelic drug. I do acknowledge there out of this world utter and total healing power, but I have come to terms that they are no longer for me.

I never had a bad experience with DMT, and it also kind of makes sense because I only experimented with it 3 times, but those times are ones that have positively impacted my resilience in life in general so much that I can't help but thank God for letting me have had these experiences.

Thank God, now I have a good idea of what the meaning of life is. I have a good idea on how the great spiritual gurus from all over see the world. I may not even be close, but I have an idea. It is that little something you can't really put a finger on, but it's there, guiding you through your ups and downs; it's that very abstract concept we all have of life, of oneness, and of synchronicity with a great collective consciousness that's always present, even if we don't notice or put any attention to it at the moment.

All I ever did DMT for was for self-help, and boy did it help me.

However, after one has been in a trance so deep and indescribable, there always is a "what if" or "but" about the situation. I have decided not to risk it. Even though DMT never made me go into a psychotic schizophrenic episode, such as the one I took last, there is always a feeling of something hiding behind all this dumbfounding beauty.

Could it be my own subconscious? Maybe I've been hiding something from myself that even DMT hasn't been able to show? Could it be a truth so ugly that it is simply unaccessible because my brain has put it into a 100% secure quarantine mode?

Or has anyone else ever experienced a thought or feeling that there is something not-so-beautiful operating in the background? (I myself had dmt experiences, that, while enlightening and mind-blowingly exhilirating, did have very demonic presences in it.)

I personally think that this existence is full of beauty and grotesqueness. That's why after my experiences with psychedelics I realized that trying to describe them in terms of "bad" vs. "good" is really obtuse and realistically quite ridiculous. The universe just is; it's both.

Yeah there is darkness, and it does not want to be seen. Life doesn't have to have good and evil in it, despite what common consensus thinks. That's what keeps people trapped in an old way of viewing their reality, believing a set exists and things can only operate within that set. Of course, any new idea that counters popular held belief is always ridiculed, such as heliocentric theory/earth is not flat/etc. It's gotten to the point where it doesn't matter what anyone else does/says/thinks/cares etc. It's all about your own soul, and following its path. It's gotten to the point with me that I am quite confident that the negative pressures I feel are coming from external sources, which is alarming. Not any one person or group of people, the force moves through people and uses them when they allow themselves to be open, so the force is a hard thing to 'pin down'. All I can say is it wants back in and I am not letting it in, and it's been getting mad. Once enough of us block the force out for long enough, the 'food' source is gone and it will no longer inhabit this realm.. Think Can't eat can't live

Congratulations on a complete integration! Always good to read, I wish you well on your new path, there is always a path of darkness that could be followed but if you realise you are the master of your own destiny then you can see which to follow and which to avoid.

From how I understand Jungian psychology/shadow integration, we perceive parts of ourselves as evil if we repress them for whatever reason and thus we cannot see them. They are in the dark because we put them there, but instead of leaving us alone they affect us from their shadowy existence and we feel their presence as something horrific, evil and outside of us. THis feeling of being outside of us comes from the fact that we have repressed its presence to a point that we simply don't want to or can't recognize it as a part of ourselves. It is alien to us.

So yes, I think it could possibly be parts of your subconscious that you feel burried below.

Love & respect CaesarOfMex. It was well said in an earlier reply "congratulations on a FULL integration" I too wish you well on your chosen path.