Well, I guess tonight is the night I unload a memory burden in the hopes I can have some sound advice from a group of individuals who do not know me or my personality besides past posts. I have to explain a memory that has lasting scars and gives me apprehension and I have never truly felt relaxed since. This describes a set and setting where the disclaimer is - unsafe, unsettling, and traumatizing.

I was at my first festival with a childhood friend of mine. We had just arrived, set up tents and ate some compounds. I do not know the species, but they were fresh, the only time I have eaten something that still had moisture in them. We then went to the main concert area. I began to notice my friend seeming uneasy, and then turned around and noticed one person standing there with a negative energy emanating from him, not dancing to the music. I turned to my friend and asked if he wanted to go back to our tents. As we walked out of the main arena, the lights overwhelmed him and he sat down, leaning up against the fence, starting to look like he was going to lose it. I heard someone yell "look at that kid"... so in the attempt to avoid a scene, I came up and looked him in the face and said "c'mon man everyone is looking at you we have to keep going"... got him back up and I continued to tell him I knew exactly where we were going, but quite frankly had not a clue how we would get there. After a few more stops, we made it back to the tents, and then quickly went in the tent to escape the ruckus. Then, realizing we were in the tent without any sleeping gear, we would attempt to venture out of the tent, but that felt very overwhelming, and we would go back in, this happened probably 6-7 times. Eventually we made it out as his sister and her friends arrived. We then were talking, smoking, lounging by the fire. During course of conversation, my friend and I said a phrase at exactly the same time, in the same tone. We then looked at each other, and said 'are you thinking what I'm thinking?' at the same time, and then jerked our heads back in the same motion with the same facial expression. It was a nerve wracking experience, perfectly, and I mean perfectly, mirrored. My friend's sister's boyfriend then took the flashlight, held it up to his face from below, and said "Pretty cool, isn't it?" with a huge smile on his face. Then in a few moments, he said he was going to bed, and my friend said he was too, then they both got up and left, leaving me in the main tent area.

Wow, I thought. What just happened. I felt suddenly at peace, despite the chaos around me. I decided I was going to close my eyes, and just meditate deep within. I would start to get deeper, and then fireworks would go off, bringing me back. This happened a few times, until I decided it was just time to do it. So I went deep in (or rose out) with my consciousness, and even though the fireworks increased with intensity, I was good to go. Deeper.. deeper..

then...

next thing I am aware of. fear. fear. fear. someone is yelling with deep fear. it is me. I am holding my friend, looking in his eyes, and hear him say "it's me man, it's me". Suddenly, I know where I am and who I am talking to. I feel exhausted, and lay face down in the ground, crying, nose running, drooling. The earth is soaking in everything. I get up, eventually ask my friend what happened. He told me that after a few minutes, he became restless in the tent, and came out, said I was rocking front to back and he became fearful and said my name in a nervous tone five times in increasing intensity to interrupt whatever was happening. It must of scared me, as I jumped out and made deep fear yell noises, taking out everything around me, bruising the top of my left foot as I kicked a stove, and came running out of the tent at him and grabbed him by the shoulders. He said when I looked into his eyes it was not me.

Now... this left a scar. I remember explaining to him that night that the only other time I have felt fear on that level before was in a dream. A nightmare fear had me yell that deep guttural yell.

A few years later, I was watching a movie called "Vine of the Soul" which is a movie about Ayahuasca. During the movie, a person does the aforementioned rocking forwards and back motion while using Ayahuasca. I happened to be watching this movie with the same friend, (I invited him to watch it but I had no idea this was part of the movie). When this came on, I asked if that was what I looked like, since I remember him describing what 'scared' him so he had to yell my name in a fearful tone five times. He said "no, you weren't moving". Red alert. How could the story change? He has also explained this story to a few different people, and they always say that he tells them I freaked out but no mention of what caused me to.

What concerns me is... I have trouble trusting a person when a story changes. Yes, the set and setting was terrible, but I felt comfortable in the moment, for whatever reason. Since this day I have felt like I took a cheap shot. I was doing nothing wrong. I was vulnerable, so vulnerable, had my soft spot open and I got sliced. I was communicating with a higher source, allowing communion, and was interrupted by a friend's fear. Since this day, I have been fearful to go deep, and we're talking without the use of any substance. Afraid to go deep because, well, last time it was peaceful and then it was true fear. I felt completely present and functional right before that happened, and I don't think that would have happened if it wasn't for him. It's so hard not to blame him but.. when the story changes.. and the weird experience we had and what his sister's boyfriend said right before.. then they just get up and bounce and leave me in the main area.. seems very weird.

I have another story regarding the same person, actually, but I think that will wait for another day.

I guess what I need help with here is.. yes, I was being irresponsible due to set and setting, dose and source, but what was I doing? My body just wanted to do this, and I followed, sure I'm at a festival but it's not like I was running around being a nuisance.. I was minding my own business and then I was interrupted and it has been over five years at this point and I won't even let myself get into deep meditation now just in case someone knocks on my door or calls me and 'breaks' my concentration, I guess. Is that what happened, did my consciousness break? Was it the tone of his voice that scared me? Why did they both leave, and he came back? Am I making mountains out of molehills? The thing is that if it was intentional, the whole scene becomes rather nefarious...

I'm not a hundred percent sure what you trying get help with here but this is what I got to say.

Saying the same thing at once happens to everybody once and a while.Having the same reaction is freak coincidence that happens,Maybe since you were tripping this made it of even more importance and accentuated the mimickary.When he shone the torch and spoke was he not referring to how cool shrooms are or maybe how the torch casts light?

Shrooms make me tired kinda lethargic so I like to lay down.When the boyfriend left, your friend maybe thought it was a good idea.If you don't know shrooms inhibit most people from sleeping and he would of naturally left the tent.

We all have difficult trips and experience fear beyond our wildest imaginations but in the end its a risk we take when doing psychedelics.Yes this may have broken your trust in the world around you and in yourself but you got to do it again and push through the anxiety and fear,to come out on the other side and realise that it is not that bad.Your faith in life will most likely be restored and you can continue to explore even deeper.Although make sure the set and setting is good.

Are you acusing your friend of lying about whether you were rocking back and forth.Or are you saying he was scared and came to you...This part confuses me.You felt what you felt

Hope this helps or answers your questions.

Hey Ouroboros

Sounds like you've got yourself a case of the fear, there. It might seem to the outside observer that it's making a mountain of a molehill, but obviously that's not the case for you, so you just have to talk it out.

Regarding the event itself, you shouldn't be afraid of submerging yourself, and if you want to get back there (which I assume you want to, otherwise you wouldn't be posting this), then you need to get back on in the saddle. The more you put it off and agonise, the bigger problem it will be. There's also a chance that the fear was nothing to do with your friend, and more to do with something buried within. Going deep on psychedelics can unturn stones you didn't even realise existed, and that could be the case here. Perhaps you were in the process of turning it over, and got jolted as you did, just leaving you confused.

As for your friend re-writing history, that happens. A: you were on drugs, and not all your memories can be 100% reliable. B: Memory sober isn't 100% reliable. People even reinvent stories without realising it. You know when a friend tells you a story and its worth sharing, you'll be retelling it at some point and think you were actually there and have to catch yourself out? That's your memory rewriting itself. It does it all the time for everything. It's one of the reasons witness testimonies are increasingly criticised for unreliability - everyone is always rewriting their memories, all of the time. It's not even lying as people simply don't realise half the time.

Also, remember you did this very haphazardly. While I can't criticise as I've taken gambles with psyches myself in the past, you took an unknown mushroom with no idea on strength in an unfamiliar setting with a guy who was having troubles himself. This can work out nicely, or it can go horrendously wrong. If you don't want to be disturbed going deep, arrange a scenario where you won't be!

I think the OP is wondering if there is more to the story that his friend is witholding - right Ouroboros?

Kind of sounds like ego death, I did a whole bunch of ketamine by accident, and the same thing happened to me, I didn't know who I was, where I was, what I was, it is a very fearful experience, but looking back on it, it was pretty damn awesome and hard to repeat, after the initial fear was gone, I was no longer self conscious of the people around me, and I was truely me.

Thats a pretty bad trip. Having somebody repeat your name 5 times getting worse? Thats bad on its own. But looking at eachother at the same time saying what they are saying at the same time is normal, not common but normal. It almost sounds like your friend was messing with you as well, why the heck are you gonna repeat somebodys name 5 times and have the tone be more frightening every time? That sounds like a cruel joke to me. Or he wasnt right either...

Also sounds like you lost yourself, you need to go back and face those fears and go back with the intention of beating those fears no matter the cost, but it needs to be done on your own, without friends, but, if there is someone you can really trust, a true friend, ask for them to be a sitter for you. Tell them what you need to do if your afraid of going completely alone. Trust yourself, your much stronger than you think. A very strong being my friend. Dont get discoraged learn from this, common sense would say he's not a true friend. Sounds like he messed with you now he's spreading a bogus story to seem cool er populuar, whatever. People can be cruel. If this is the case dont let this jerk control you anymore. Or if its your fear you need to find out whats to be afraid of?

Anyways, I say all what I said with good intentions, you know the full picture of whats going on. So all my best wishes friend! Hope you find what you need, were all here for you!

I wouldn't over analyze it or worry about it anymore. What happened happened and accepting it and moving on in your path might be metaphors worthy of consideration. Weird stuff happens when tripping, whether it be coincidence or otherwise. And some disturbing things can happen as well. I've had similar trips, or even far more horrifying ones, epecially starting off, that left me discombobulated and feeling scared but things healed over time and my thoughts on those experiences has changed a lot. I now realize I was just adding to the negativity by focusing on them far too much.

If that friend gives you a bad impression or can't handle seeing you have an introspective trip without screaming your name in fear, then journey alone and/or with different more experienced people who won't react in such a way. Just focus on making changes in your life that ground you and leave you feeling fulfilled, like healthy food, meditation, yoga, nature, etc. If you want to journey again, I would try doing it alone in an introspective and safe setting if you can. I've done that after rough experiences and it can be completely re-calibrating and melt the anxiety about the past experiences if done carefully with mindfulness. Sometimes the group dynamic can be a roadblock, especially in bad company or if you're not already somewhat comfortable with yourself on these things alone first.

Also you might want to try saving weed for the comedown. It can really blow the fear out of proportion and escalate the chance of freakouts/delusions in some people, especially in groups, if smoked during the comeup or mid trip with lsd and mushrooms. Weed actually tends to make certain people more anxious than even other psychedelics.

btw please remove mentions of buying in your post (beginning), as it is against the rules here.

You all... above and beyond. Reading your honest posts has been more therapeutic and beneficial than I can adequately express in words. I'll respond to the questions best I can, but before I do let me say thank you so much. I wasn't clear what I was needing assistance with, in fact I guess I didn't have an end point in mind, but you all have found exactly the right words to say... you all are very caring and insightful individuals.

philipsbeers, about the light on his face, I've never thought about him saying that the light looks cool on a face from below. In my state I had been attributing it to the coincidental experience my friend and I had, but in his reality he may have just been talking about the light from below. Because, well, it does look pretty cool. It's the stereotypical "scary story around the campfire" type of thing and it illuminates the face in a way that isn't often seen! I wasn't too sure about the dissonance in the story line, and I think because of the uncertainty of the experience my mind went into 'scared of the dark' mode. I have a tendency to imagine the worst in an unknown situation, which I am trying to change. Keeping an open mind, and leaving it as an unknown is about the best I can do, because jumping to conclusions without evidence can lead to roads that do not have a good result.

Shanghigher, very true words. I was in a situation that was not well controlled or thought out, so I agree 100% with what you are saying. Thank you again on shedding light on the story line not matching up, I do remember back in high school, this idea of eyewitness testimony as being unreliable was presented to me, and at the time I thought 'how could anyone not remember everything exactly as it was?'... then life happened and the same thing has happened to me. How can I expect everyone to remember everything exactly as it was, especially given the fact he was also having an experience as well? Another very solid post to help calm this down in my mind.

DesykaLamgeenie, that was the initial thought I was having, you're right, but through talking this out it's becoming more apparent that thought doesn't seem to be well grounded. I have been thinking about thinking (sometimes driving myself near mad) for quite some time. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something, and I try to rewire my brain, for lack of a better term, to think about a situation differently. I came across a documentary that I want to see, called "Reconsolidation", and is detailed here if anyone is interested in viewing.

Methodology, I thought of that as well. It seems that I have had so many of them I cannot tell what is what, but it could be like when the first transcontinental railroad was built in the U.S. and it went straight through the mountains. Chip chip chip away a whole day and maybe make it a few feet...

darklordsson, I do appreciate you seeing this as I wrote it. This really speaks to the self preservation side of myself that makes it difficult to trust, well, anyone besides myself. It's a hard barrier to crack, although I do believe there is a power higher than myself as a single human that has some involvement here. And when I say 'a' I obviously mean potentially infinite higher powers. I do appreciate your candor and since this experience our relationship certainly has changed! Something that ultimately we will have to work through together, I believe..

universecannon, thank you for the advice on removal it has been updated. Very solid advice here as well, my mind can get stuck on something and analyze it to death, in the most literal sense possible! Part of my residual fear now is that if I journey alone, something could happen such as a fire or suddenly someone comes knocking at the door when I am in a vulnerable state, and this thought is what is taking the reins of resisting potential experiences. You're right though, weed makes me anxious. I'm hoping some day to try a lower THC higher CBD strain, but I will be patient and hopefully become a patient so I can enjoy this in a setting that is more legal as defined by the current law of the land.

Basically... what can I say. I feel 'naked' for doing this, even though none of you know who I am. Something about this site makes me feel open and the fact you all took time out of your lives to help me.. it's hard for me to understand but I appreciate this more than I can explain. Thank you all, and I hope to keep seeing you all around on this forum.

After someone scares you physically like that.. I know that it can be hard to trust them again. Do you still talk to this person?

I have gone through similar fears and anxieties. I know your situation is different, and when psychedelics are involved things feel much more powerful. But I hope that these may help you too:
"Don't let the actions of others disturb your inner peace" - Dalai Lama

Everyone is hurt in this world, and if he did wake you out of malice, then it's only because of his own hurt and trauma. I'm not trying to sanctify his actions, but if he could help himself and do better he would. Everyone is on the same path to happiness.

Do you practice any kind of mindfulness meditation? For me, that can be the most peaceful and restful kind. Not trying to focus on my inner psyche, not trying to solve any problems - just trying to experience the moment and feel each breath.

Wishing best of peace to you