I find it very strange how whenever I try spice my ego grows instead of dies like most people experience, I very seldom experience ego death anywhere on anything, I do think its the scientist/philosopher in me that wants to know what is the wolf in sheep's clothing. I very often have full blown experiences but of nothing to direct, like perhaps my last experience where I had a very (Alex Grey)-like experience, it was very short, but I saw these electromagnetic pulses coming out of what I thought was a docked alien space ship, it had the same nerve endings that he drew in many of his pictures, the focal point was how the pulses looked, not the space ship itself. Not to say that my ego wasn't softened in this experience.

Its just that whenever I drift off I very rarely just let go and view the visions that are presented before me, I close my eyes and I see kind of like an spider's eye except with many more eyes and not as symmetrically distributed shooting out these visions that I ignore to see, I look closer and become instantly frightened by what is hiding behind them, every time I get closer, and every time I feel like I shouldn't be searching for an answer, it is kind of like the entity is ego itself. You know when you experience ego death, you just let it happen and there is no word to describe as you feel, I feel "it's" like looking into a black hole of unknown, anything you see could really destroy what you perceive as physically possible and anything foreign can neither been seen as scary or friendly, just horrific or heartwarming (on my second last experience I saw a mutant centaur-like being reaching for me, as I delved deeper into my mind's eye), its kind of like an equal balance of love/hate, yin/yang. But as much as I seem to "bad trip" I want to try again and see more, I want to see what everyone else watchs instead of what I want to watch, but it is very much like a Magic Eye picture, once you see the picture, you can't unsee it.