I'm back from two years of life outside of the nexus, not that I was ever really a part of it. I asked a question about IBOGA vs. Ayahuasca looking for whatever would help me the most and at the time I needed it, but not nearly as bad as I need help now.

We discussed where I could go for ayahuasca. I went to Peru - The Chimbre (Shimbre) Shamanic Center to be exact. (August 23?-September 7th?) This was a trip that I, 22 years old, thought I HAD to go on. Instead of buying a vehicle to replace the junk car I sold for $300, I spent ALL my money to go to Puerto Maldonado to experience 5 ceremonies orchestrated by Master Mancoluto(documented on Nat Geo or Discovery or something. A YouTube search will find it)

The interesting thing about the trip was that a few days before and while flying there I had such and amazing sense of calmness that nothing shook up, although there were weird moments of being alone, napping in the airport and wondering if someone was going to steal my carry-on. I slept partially (few hours) in Lima since I didn't want to pay for a hotel. The peace went away when I arrived in Puerto Maldonado my luggage wasn't there on the luggage belt. Florian, a native german who spoke english in a spanish accent, helped me considerably in getting settled in Chimbre.

We described my luggage to airport staff and I learned I was supposed to claim my luggage in Lima and re-check it in for Cuzco and P.M. The fault lied in me for not double checking and also a houston airport staff for confirming with me that my luggage would make it all the way. But - NOPE! I got it a couple days later and my usb solar phone charger was missing.. In the time between that Florian actually went to town with my $20 and bought me some clothing, loaned me some boots left behind.

I was the only one at Chimbre, besides three hippy-ish people having decent 'trips'. They left thought probably on the third or fourth day and then I was all by my lonesome. I forgot to mention the vibes I felt when I arrived and met the Shaman; my overactive mind went freakin' nuts! I was hearing myself throw constant thoughts of judgement at this fellow and feeling slightly paranoid he may be psychic I apologized in english (a language he doesn't know) in my head. So I was the one feeling very uncomfortable thinking it was just me when most likely, as you'll find out, it was the shaman and his helpful assistant.

Once I arrived at Chimbre I seriously asked myself what I was doing there. It didn't feel right. I was well accommodated and the food was nice and very healthy throughout my 12 (2 day extended) stay. I paid $1400 for the retreat (1200 plus a $100/day extra fee I offered to pay for food and gas.

Before I get to the brief descriptions of the ceremonies - Florian took me twice to a nearby swimming lake. The water was cool but bearable. My kind of scene really. Florian shared with me the twisted views of the shaman, who told him that Reiki slowly sucks the life energy out of you and that the Buddha never achieved enlightenment... interesting. Mancoluto just believed that the Buddha was a traumatized man who really didn't find anything. Couple more facts about the shaman: He's supposedly taken San Pedro over 7,000 times and Ayahausca over 3,000. Maybe it's true but Florian's claim that the shaman had surpassed suffering and achieved permanent telepathic abilities or some sh** like that.

The ceremonies: The first two were really emotional for me.

1. San Pedro | "Why do I keep doing this to myself"
(light-moderate dose)

2. Ayahuasca | "It's okay, everything's going to be ok" I patted my back to comfort away the intense sadness I felt about my life. The sadness came after the visuals faded. I should also mention that for all the San Pedro I drunk I was sent down into the jungle to spend the whole night alone to face my fears using so called "survival instincts" that kick in when you trip on an entheogen without invaluable Shamanic guidance.
(light dose I guess)

3. San Pedro | "this is kind of fun" - there were ancients talking to me in different languages that I understood at times.
(moderate dose. effects infused with the ayahuasca from 2 nights ago and made for a really cool 'trip'.

4. San Pedro | "I'm bored. Ice cream sounds good right now"
(light dose) I don't know why

5. San Pedro | "Holy sh**. He wasn't playing around this time!." I could hear frogs in despair nearby being eaten by predatory birds or something. Some of them sounded like humans yelling. I just realized this trip might've been so strong because I ate something spicy 2 nights before and had the sh**s (bearable) all day yesterday. Almost crapped in the swimming lake... So, I figured that 'detox' made me a bit cleaner and more sensitive to the last dose of the warm, pulpy, green-puke-sandwhich drink.

In case you don't know, I didn't go to Peru to trip, I was trying to overcome the issues I had with myself at the time. The tripping just came with the territory of an overactive mind.


Now's a good time to tell you a bit about what happened at Chimbre while I was there. A mother and daughter came and I was asked by Florian - questioned by authorities, if I had seen any of my stuff moved around pertaining to a returning retreat participant. It was the mother's 18 year old son. (((a google search will tell you the name. I don't feel like it's my place to share that))) He had gone missing. According to Shaman and Florian, he wasn't doing well with the Ceremonies, and packed up all his stuff and WALKED OFF.



Weeks later, ego strength stronger than ever from not letting go during the late nights, tripping on green goop, my friend whom I was skyping had said "HOLY F***, while linking a news story to me about the 18 year old being buried after being found dead in the morning down in the jungle alone. One of the worse parts is that he was actually getting better. Through some unnamed sources I found out he was doing well despite a rough first? ceremony night, contrary to the Shaman's story.

So as it turned out, the poor guy passed a few days before I arrived and no one even told me someone walked out and 'left'. As far as I know I was the last participant at the Chimbre Shamanic Center... and I am f***ed up..



For the lazy's - like me:
http://www.dailymail.co....n-spiritual-retreat.html

Just a heads up.. I moved from Texas to Colorado in hopes of finding the perfect place to live. Well, the saying is true that your problems go wherever you are. I'm still not better, even though it's awesome here (near Boulder). Last year in October I was hit by a motorist while driving my dad's sport bike. Broken Tibia, fibula. Tons of bills later I'm up here finding myself in the same shit hole I was before. I'll call it... ME I am my own problems that I cannot escape from. I don't understand them and choose ignorance over thoughtfulness. I wish I was 19 again so I could undo this Hell. I seriously want to get back on a motorcycle sometimes and 'finish the job' My apologies if you find me to be some low IQ, a**hole who shares too much but I really need help and I kind of felt good I came back to you guys.

My request is to anyone who knows a place on earth where I can live for a while and help out, work in whatever ways (manual labor is fine) and in the meantime have ayahuasca ceremonies by REAL shamans who REALLY care, please PM me. It doesn't have to be ayahuasca as long as I don't get worse. I'm thinking iboga in canada could help, ayahuasca in peru or Europe?, shrooms doctors in the U.K.??? IDK. Whatever suggestions you guys have would be awesome. I'm thinking about a stay from 1-10 years. It really all depends. I just don't see myself getting better in America without 10s of 1000s of $$$$$ of Therapy.

If there is a place you call home that I can call home too, I will go

Thanks for reading.

Hey man, pretty mad story there - hope you're doing alright!

dunno if its much advice or not, but I have a friend that recently left the UK to go to the Netherlands to go 'woofing' which is just basically manual labour on various farms for room and board, and he's also doing/learning alot of 'permaculture' projects out which is all about how different plants work together and benefit each other without need for pesticides etc - so anyway yeah, theres no pyschadelic guidance or anything with this, but I know he's into tripping and will most likely be indulging since he's a short ways from amsterdam to be able to get some. So its an idea anyway... (dunno if theres such a thing as 'shroom doctors' in the uk?...)

Hey Forrest,

Sounds like a rather crazy time you've had!

To my knowledge, there's nowhere in the West at least that you can just go to and receive psychedelic therapy (although it'd be a major leap forward for mankind if there was). Also a bugger being in the US. From my own travels there, I'm always stunned by the sheer amount of people who have been clearly failed by the healthcare system there. I'm often in and out of DC, and while I love the city and the people in it, there won't be a single trip out to the shops or whatever when I'm not faced with someone clearly suffering from mental health troubles, but have been kicked to the curb as they don't have the cash for treatment.

That said, even in the UK with the NHS (which I'm a strong supporter of), I couldn't receive the treatment I needed to end a lifelong battle with depression. To cut a very, very long story short, a few short years ago I was a completely broken man. I'd tried drinking my sorrows away (British classic) as well as dabbling in a cocaine addicition, smoking weed until my eyes bled, and acting like a promiscuous, fornicating t***. You can imagine how that all turned out. I also went with anti-depressants, but found that although the drugs created a wall between myself and my depression, they didn't resolve anything. I also went with therapy, but being both a smart and stubborn bastard, that didn't work out either.

So, remembering the brief respite from it that LSD have given me in the past, I decided that I'd have to change up my approach and try something more radical to resolve the situation.

I decided three things:
1. That I would spend more time researching thinking about thinking, with the idea being that I could outsmart myself if I started to understand the fallacies my brain was falling for.
2. I would become more active, and take up a sport. I used to play rugby, but I ended up getting injured all the time (biggest guy on the field - I took a lot of heavy tackles). So, I went with cycling.
3. I would invest, quite heavily, in psychedelic experiences in order to unwind the mental knots that prevented me from moving forward with my life.

For the reading, I recommend You Are Not So Smart by David McRaney as a good starting point. This, and other books, helped me in understanding my own psychology, and gave me an edge when it came to tackling my head's weird output.

Cycling worked out a charm. I managed to fit it into my daily routine going to work and back, and every time I built up a sweat in the saddle, I saw my problems evaporate.

Psyches were more interesting. Although I'd previously tripped with friends, I started taking larger and larger doses of LSD and Mescaline solo with a view to both enjoy myself, and to challenge what goes on inside my head. Personality sculpting, I called it. I basically pondered for some time before taking a drug what I wanted to challenge, and then I would think about this while I was tripping. Slowly but surely, I uncovered more evidence for why I should celebrate myself and my existence, and combined with the other two factors, the depression began to fade.

It's been three years since I decided that I'd trip my way out of my mental mess. I now live in a beautiful part of the UK away from the sordid crap I dealt with in the past, have a gorgeous girlfriend who I love and who loves me, and have the job I've always imagined, but never thought possible.

That said, my biggest breakthrough came on my last LSD trip (at 400ug, you'd hope you get something). I realised that because of the abuse I'd endured when I was younger, bullying, betrayals, bereavements, kickbacks, and simple down on your luck black hole misery that comes from graduating with an arts degree in the midst of the global recession, I'd let the world convince me that I hated myself. For all the things I now had in my life, I was still held back by this one mental block that the world had created for me. But then, I began to realise, the world was wrong. I'm a good guy. I've saved lives, I've helped people, I'm always there for a friend or a stranger in need. I leave a good impact in my wake. I'm leading a good life, and have evolved so far as a person in a few short years. And, the particularly moving conclusion, was maybe I shouldn't hate myself. Maybe, in a completely non-egotistical way, I should learn to love myself, and be happy with the man I have become.

This sense of complete and utter bliss washed over me at the thought, and I began crying. Extensively. For about 20 minutes. Not out of fear, or sadness. It was the first time I'd been happy enough to cry in my entire life (I'm tearing up just thinking about it).

What I'm trying to get across is that you don't need a shaman, or a perfect place, to learn to leave your negativity behind. You just need to know why you want to go into these states, meditate on your problems while you are there, and then (most crucially) analyse it afterwards. Write about it. Post it here. Speak about it with trusted friends or someone who knows their psychology. Just make sure you learn from it.

Have where you want to be in mind, and use the drugs as a catalyst to help your mind get there. Do it in the right place at the right time - and give yourself plenty of time in between trips to fully analyse and integrate what you have learned.

And it won't be a one-shot cure, but each wave will bring you closer to confidence in yourself. Do it a little, and perhaps move to somewhere you feel you can really kick back and be yourself, and do it some more.

TL;DR, you don't need to rely on other people to be a stronger person. Just train yourself to be that man.

Woofing sounds nice, but that's something I'd prefer to do for an Ayahuasca retreat center or something. The 'shroom doctor' was mostly a joke but I was mentioning that in regards to a documentary where a woman dying of cancer took some shrooms under supervision to ease the fear of death - and it worked for her.

What I feel I'm battling is an occasional all-my-problems-at-once wall within myself where something triggers me to just give up on life and drop what I wanted to do. Yesterday the wall hit me, I was considering upgrading my CDL B to an A to allow me to drive all sorts of trucks. Driving isn't my favorite thing to do, but it pays the bills. It's mainly that I feel like I could be doing something much more fulfilling to my spirit and I figured Ayahuasca could show me what that is.

I'm also a gifted licensed massage therapist, but I stopped due to it making me mental - I must be ungrounded.

The semi-turning point for me was that last night I ate at a local restaurant and the waiter's friendliness sort of helped change my mind at least for the time being. Sure some do it for the sake of tips but it didn't matter what he did, I was just glad to talk to him (not about my problems). Right now I'm staying with a married friend that I've known since elementary school back in the south. No rent just me woofing it I guess for now, maybe a month. I'm going to apply for a simple job today and see how it goes.

and I'll consider getting the book you mentioned, Shanghigher. Thanks for your contributions, both of you.

I don't think your going to find peace of mind anywhere, that's something you can only find in yourself, though a change of scenery can help a bit.
Also why do you think psychedelics are the solution for your problems, they can make things worse.
take care

Hey bro, too bad about your experience down south. I do not know the depths of your life's traumas, but let me echo another poster by saying, you don't need a shaman for the medicine to work the magic. They are human beings just like you. And to be a human being, is no small thing.

Thanks for the wise words everyone. I'm declaring my original post RESOLVED.

I have a plan for the next 7-10 years of my life. Something I've never had for myself before. It involves working a lot and saving most of my money but I'll make it priority to experience a good spiritual re- freshening at least once a year, whatever that may be.

Expandaneum is right, I actually have never had anything good come from experimenting with Psychedelics, it's my own delusion convincing me otherwise. <-- with the exception being a overly weak dose of MOLLY, which was nice but too mild. The field of work requires negative drug tests anyways which I'm fine with

So good bye to all and to all a good life
Thanks, DMTNEXUS


No longer FML'ing,
-Forrest

All the best Forrest.

You knows, life is all about making experiences, and we will make good ones and bad ones and hopefully learn from the bad ones to make better ones. One wishes that as they get older that life will be plainer sailing, and it will if you have goals to set out and achieve. I think a lot of people let themselves down in life because they don't have goals to aspire to so waste time and energy faffing around when they could be instead working through solutions to guarantee a better way of life.

You'd be totally amazed at just how much you can achieve with smart goals, and a health dose of optomism-which is naturally generated as one grows and overcomes obstacles. And really, aren't we the biggest obstacle to overcome in order to live a better life?

Hello there.

This is my first time on this forum. I was investigating about the Shimbre centre and ended up reading your forum topic. I am involved with a shamanic community in South America. I have never experienced any other ceremony, and I do not wish to, for I have faith that this community is working the medicine in an upright and honourable way. We are a centre that is open to visitors (its not a visitor centre, and neither a retreat centre, as you said, we cannot retreat from ourselves). We are farmers, working the land, building and constructing our lives from the land, and we use the medicine for spiritual comprehension, inner growth and radical personal change. We do not charge thousands as many official centres, about £10 a day (I'm british, don't know UK-US exchange rates), and that's full board, food & facilities. Ceremonies cost a little more, and the price is very much related to the person's needs, but generally speaking we charge people the amount they would make in a day's work, therefore tourists we charge more (ie, a day's work in Europe can be around £50), but street kids in Colombia for example, they can work a day on the farm and earn their ceremony that way (we cannot do the same with westerners, but we are flexible and always try to be understanding of other people's circumstances.) Feel free to email me if you are still looking for ceremonial magic with honest hands-in-the-earth work in Latin America.

All the best for your journey and healing, may the Divine Mother protect and guide you.