Hey everyone,
I would just like to apologize in advance, because I can't see this being a short post, and when it comes to seeking advice, I really do like to explain everything, I'd like to get it all off of my chest. I hope you understand, but I really feel like I'm in a predicament in my life, I would appreciate absolutely any input.
Anyway, my latter school years didn't quite go as planned, in fact, they went awfully. I was bullied throughout my school years, which resulted in me moving high school three times. Ultimately, it came to a point where I was so terrified of school, that death actually seemed more preferable than going in. My horrid time in school resulted in me leaving a year early, therefore receiving no GCSEs (the UK standard secondary school leaving qualifications). I was bullied because I have a stutter, and back in my school days, my stutter was quite a bit worse. When I left school, I immediately searched for work and other forms of education, I ended up becoming an apprentice floor layer in my Uncle's company. Anyway, a year into that, and I wanted a change. It was at the stage when I should have been leaving school. I don't know what it was, because everything was going well, and you could say I was even enjoying the floor laying, but I just had to leave. I knew that if I had continued floor laying, as decent as a trade as it may well be, I would have always wondered what I would have been if I'd followed my heart. I didn't even know what my heart wanted though, which bothered me very little, I just needed to follow a different path.
Moving on. I chose to go to college to re-take my GCSE qualifications, I thought it would be important that whatever I chose to do, I would need mainstream qualifications. One week into that, and I realized it wasn't for me, I needed to pursue a different route, a more specific route. Before it was too late, I quickly changed college to do a different course, a course in Animal Care. I chose this as dog training has always been a huge interest of mine, and I thought it'd be something that I'd enjoy as a job. Alongside studying that course, I volunteered at a local dog training school a few nights/days a week. Contrary to everything else in my life up until that point, I stuck to it and was successful. I completed the course with top marks and was awarded with the best student of the course award. I was strongly encouraged to carry on at the college to study for a higher qualification, but I didn't. Yet again, I needed a change, I didn't want to carry on with it. The animal and dog world just didn't capture my heart quite as much as I thought it would, so needless to say, I moved onto a new venture once again.
My next step? Ballet. It's not quite as strange as it seems, I had danced as a hobby earlier on in my life at my local dance school, so it was nothing foreign to me. Well anyway, my local dance school was offering full-time opportunities to study at the school, which strongly appealed to me as we would also study some mainstream qualifications too. So, for an entire year, I studied dance full-time, and then when it came to the point where we all had to move on to professional schools, and we had to start auditioning, I said no. Again, I lost interest, and I didn't want to continue with it.
Next on my agenda was another stint at college, this time I chose to study print based media. I've always been an avid writer since my early days in school. I've been a lover of poetry and writing for as long as I can remember. I thought I would put my writing skills (whatever I had of them) to use, and I liked the idea of being a journalist. This was a two year course. Yes, you guessed it, I only completed one. Things were going fine, my grades were good, and I had no reason to leave, but it was the same, I wanted a change, I felt that I needed to do something else. I had a deep think, and I realized that the one specific thing that I enjoyed and done particularly well at, was working with dogs, so I thought it might be a good move to go back into that.
I was crazy, I took a wild punt, I applied to become a mobility assistance dog trainer, the crème de la crème of the dog training world, and it was highly improbable that I would get it. To cut a long story short, I didn't get it, I was too unqualified (as I suspected), but much to my utter shock, they offered me a position in the dog welfare section (working in kennels) of the organization, which could one day lead to being a trainer. This was a huge step, and I accepted it with vigour. I moved away two hours from my home town, it was the first time I had lived away from my parents. Six months into my new life in such a beautiful part of England, I was offered my dream job, the job I had originally applied for, the opportunity to become a trainer. That was one of the happiest moments of my life, hearing that news is something I'll always remember.
I held that position for one year, and lo and behold, following the trend of everything else in my life up until that point, I quit, and handed in my letter of resignation. There are many reasons and explanations as to why I left that job. It's complex, but as with everything else, I felt that I needed to move on. Anyway, that fantastic spell in my life was over, so when the day arrived, I packed my bags, drove home, and moved back in with my parents. I returned to work with my uncle, whilst also working part time at my local leisure centre as a receptionist/relief duty manager (a position I had held in the past).
I was happy plodding along in those two jobs for about ten months. Then it happened, In November last year, I started to develop the symptoms of rosacea. It started off with just minor rosy cheeks, then over a period of months, it developed into full blown rosacea. I became obsessed and turned into a complete hermit, I didn't even go out to see family, I was that embarrassed and affected by it. It got to a point that I was terrified of work at the leisure centre because I was worried about having a flush whilst there. I ended up so down with myself, that I didn't care much anymore about anything. When I went into work a few months ago, I felt a flare up coming on. I couldn't deal with it, so I walked out of work whilst on shift! The situation with my uncle hasn't changed, because even though I've lost so much confidence, the work environment is different and I can deal with it.
And this is where I'm at now. I've seen a functional medicine gut specialist (similar to a naturopath I think), and next week I'll find out if my rosacea is due to Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO), because lots of factors add up to SIBO. By the way, the rosacea situation at the moment is far better than it was, it's improved ever since I started eating a strict paleo diet, with very few carbohydrates. Don't get me wrong, the rosacea is still present, but it's much better, and generally I'm out and about again. I'm hoping that it may be able to be kicked out altogether if I'm diagnosed and treated for SIBO. The situation at the leisure centre, however, is unchanged, I can't bear to go back there. They keep asking me what's going on, but I just keep getting my sick leave extended. I desperately need to sort it out, I don't know what to do. All I know is that I don't want to go back there, it's just that I have nothing else to go into that's making all of this so difficult. Yes I'm currently working for my uncle, but he can only offer me a very limited amount, and it's definitely not a long term thing.
What do I do? There is a catch, and that's that whatever I do, I do need to involve my cousin. He's my age, and is currently unemployed. I've been brought up with him, I went to both primary and secondary school with him, and our families have been going on holidays with each other ever since we were born, that's how close we are. I owe it to him. I've promised him that whatever I do next, I will do it with him. Growing up, I was the one full of confidence, and nothing fazed me. He would only do things with me, and that's pretty much how it is now. He's spent the last five years unemployed and living with his parents. He's not weird or nothing though, in fact he's very capable and funny, so I really do want to help him get going in life.
So what to do!? I did want to start a dog walking/training business, which would be fine, but seeing as though my cousin will be involved, I just don't think it'll be financially viable, because I'm absolutely broke at the minute and I need to be earning money. I mean, I guess we are both still young and have the world at our feet, but right now, if I'm honest, it's becoming increasingly difficult to view the situation in that positive light. At the moment, I'm not even earning enough to buy the food for my diet (my mum sometimes lends me money). Obviously I feel privileged to be in the situation to be able to borrow money, but I don't want it to be like this forever.
I want to move on, do something else, and I know that whatever it is, I will stick to it. It was after leaving my last full time job training assistance dogs that my interest in psychedelics really took off, and when I started consuming cannabis. It was also obviously when my rosacea occurred. I can honestly say that my perspective on life has changed, I just need to get my life back on track. I dream of many things, mostly travelling or living in another country, but most of all, I dream of having a steady income, both for myself and my cousin. If I could travel right now, I'd be gone, without a doubt, because I find travelling so refreshing and rejuvenating, but I'm guessing I need to be realistic right now, and focus on my career/education. At the moment though, nothing seems achievable, I feel like I'm at the bottom of high pile that cannot be climbed, I just feel like running away.
There is simply too much I want to explain to you about my situation, so I guess it's best that I just stop now! I'm so sorry for the length of this post, if I felt like I could write it any shorter, I would have, believe me, but it's been a long time coming and I just felt that I needed to explain the situation I'm in. I also felt it necessary to add all of the details so that you get more of an idea about me, and what I've done/experienced, so you can kind of see things from my point of view. Anyway, If there is any advice that you can give, I would be extremely grateful.
Thank you,
Xagan.