I can relate to this and it is tough. But i do believe that learning to be able spot a wringer does develop over time. Unfortunately you have to get the interpersonal experience to be able recognise certain danger signs in people.
If you need other people in your life, i think that you are going to have to bite the bullet, follow your gut and make mistakes. Doing the opposite for any lengthy period of time could lead to worse regrets.

My thoughts on emptiness.

Emptiness is nothing new to me, it is always there, being and watching. This sense of space is perceived from the observer or 'witness' of that which that cannot be grasped, handled or pushed aside. Learn to abide and enjoy this emptiness. It is a calling of dissolving all fears, predicaments, judgements and false senses of awareness. This cannot be discerned simply from the mind, but the heart. It is okay to sit with yourself within this space. Be one with this space. Practicing open, reflective, honest and silent meditation can help you discern and discriminate your thoughts, patterns, behaviours and motives. Thus, relieving 'depression' and possibly leaving you completely silent and grounded within your own being and self. Sometimes we cover over our negative patterns of behaviour with terms and labels that define who and what we are, and are going through. This can be comforting, strangely enough. But it isn't the root of the suffering.

Sometimes the coined term 'depression' gets thrown into that realm of inadequate lifestyle. This, to me, simply means you must relax and sit alone with yourself. Be personal and real to this space. Not to the point where life 'becomes' something, but a life in where direct experience simply is, untouched and passing by awaiting further experiences. Emptiness knows no past or future, only this. The moment. Let life be, without the tanglements of the mind turning you to repeated realms of thought. I strongly encourage this as it can prepare one to the psychedelic realms with much more comfort, stability and courage. Which ultimately, can aid in your growth and learning experiences with psychedelics. This of course, is my interpretation of the situation.

What is internally existent, can exist externally. Sometimes we tend to live within the domain of external and forget our roots in the internal self-being. In your vision, facing your-self is clearly represented here, but in a direct, obvious and personal approach.

SKA, I'm sorry you are feeling bad about your current situation. However I feel you make some very strong judgements about people categorizing them in ways you would probably yourself not like to hear other people do. You don't like racism but in your mind all women are untrustworthy and backstabbing? I understand that from your experience this may seem so, but the racists could probably argue the same way if they wanted to...

If you are afraid of people hurting you but you need company, try with relationships that are less likely to get you hurt. I know we always want the profound stuff, but sometimes we have to settle for second best for a while before we can move on to the real deal. Since you don't seem happy with the kind of people you have been hanging out so far you should probably try something entirely different for a change. Different social circles, perhaps something that has nothing to do with substances of any type. Sports or some kind of course (language or crafts) is a great way to socialize without going deep or baring your soul to anyone. Especially sports can also be a good way to change your thought patterns and general habits, which might help ease your obsessive critizising of everything around you.

Another thing you might want to consider is taking care of an animal. It may sound a bit silly but nurturing another living and sentient being back to health, gaining its trust and love, etc. can be a very interesting experience from which one can learn alot. Perhaps you can find a companion for you in an animal shelter. I'm not saying that this can substitute the need for human company, but it can teach you something about this shared existence for sure.

If you cannot change the things around you that are bothering you - you cannot change the people you dislike, you cannot change the fact that you are alone - then you must change yourself. Either to be happy with what you have to be happy with or to find or create the life that you can be happy with. If you cannot go to art school, find something that you can do. Use your time in a positive way - create stuff, learn, challenge yourself every day with something. One more pull-up, learn new words, hold your breath... As others have said before, don't dwell on what bothers you. Focus on the bigger picture and start moving yourself towards where you want to go.

SKA

I would highly recommend this advice, such a lovely idea few things can remedy emptiness as profoundly as rescuing a creature in need of love and care than nurturing them into the world. ♥


Much Peace and Compassion

Thanks for the advices.
I do have 2 cats in my house and yes it's a blessing.

I guess I miss my "former glory" of being social & adventurous, unburdained by the awareness of
just how deceptive & toxic some people can be. I desparately want to return to that joyous state
of going through life (mostly)care free. It was such magic.

I'm not sure how yet, but I will try my best to get back there, without being naive.

Good to see you making steps to find your peace again. I wonder if you had seen yourself reflected in your aquaintances and this made you unhappy and they were constantly a reminder of how you see yourself and the contrast to how you used to live.
So by judging them you were actually judging yourself and therefore creating a feedback loop. By losing faith in humanity you may have lost faith in yourself.

It"s not gonna happen mate. Those days are gone. You might aswell come to terms with the fact that you are becoming old and cynical. Don"t fight it, embrace it.

Even after becoming old and cynical we are still allowed to have our fun days

SKA how about channeling your creative energy and get on the high-tech bandwagon and do something like this: (Make VR: creating 3d modelling with virtual reality goggles Oculus Rifts)

http://youtu.be/l9ijgmYIOOc

SKA this may sound kinda cheesy but in regards to all your problems: OPEN TO GRACE. Open to the possibility of a miracle. & align with it.

Thanks. Yeah that was my concern, redguard:
Being "Old & Cynical" rather sounded like the anti-thesis of fun.

But I can see how a healthy amount of Cynicism wouldn't hinder fun, but actually
add to it. I did afterall laugh my azz off reading about the life of Diogenes,
the father of Cynicism.



It's most synchronistic you should give me that advice, f1:
I was just discussing with a friend yesterday how I wanted to get 3D Studio Max &
make 3 D animations for the Oculus Rift with it. I was also trying to convince him
to buy Garrys Mod so we could make a nice game, also for Oculus Rift.
I will persue that.

I am gradually opening up more and more to grace.
I guess the 2 acid experiences I've had have helped with that a great deal.