This trip happened about 18 or so months ago but I never felt like posting about it because it shook me on the deepest level imaginable. I possibly created a bad set and setting for myself. It was around the 20-30th time I've used DMT. At the time I was tapering buprenorphine/nalaxone or I was completely off w/ PAWS, can't remember.

So, when this life changing trip happened I was drinking and was drunk, and was coming down off some weak, shitty MDMA...I actually don't know for sure what it was because it didn't feel exactly like MDMA, could of been MDA, methylone, not really sure. It was before the Silk Road days for me.

So, after I launched things got really weird and fast. Didn't have the usual fractal visuals and everything was just eerie looking...like murky, crisp, and darkish hues. Felt like I was looking at life through a different plane of existence. I can barely remember, but I grabbed a stethoscope after launching and listened to my panicky heart beat and counted down from 10, thinking that that's when I will be dead, and sure enough I think my heart skipped a beat at 0 and I instantly freaked out and threw the stethoscope down to the ground thinking that I heard my heart stop and had a full blown panic attack and basically just thought I died and I was pacing frantically around my house thinking I'm dead. No one was upstairs or home at the time and everything just looked so eerie and dark and creepy. I smoked like 2 big hits and after the second one something didn't feel right and I remember grabbing a stethoscope for some idiotic reason and doing this to myself.

I've tripped on DMT about 10 times since it has happened and had some good and bad trips. I even broke through and had an amazing trip and thought it would erase this bad one but it didn't.

So, I have this idea embedded in my head that I died possibly and I passed through a parallel universe where I continue on living as the new me, which has been very difficult. Since this has happened my mom was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer which has made this horrible at times. I avoid smoking too much cannabis now because it makes me have panic attacks, not all the time though. I just smoke very little now but still regularly. I took some LSD and had a great trip 4 months ago, but it turned ugly after smoking a small amount of weed. I get really scared and get this weird feeling that something isn't right when I smoke too much weed. It could be derealization and depersonalization mixed in w/ some ideas from that bad trip like a flash back or something...I have no idea. I don't really know what is going on.

I feel like the only way to move on is to accept the possibility that I died and continue on in a parallel reality...but try to recognize the truth....that I had a NDE and had severe ego loss and severe confusion from being drunk and it just felt like I died... horribly. I'm trying to get myself to think, that if this is indeed a different reality that it would be cool anyways...so I can move on and not suffer anymore. Sorry if this is confusing or doesn't make perfect sense. I haven't been the greatest writer lately.

Alcohol and DMT don't mix. Now you know this.

Dying on DMT is very common. It's happened to me multiple times.
Learning to accept whatever happens and just melt takes practice and meditation.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You need to address what is causing you distress and work through it. Don't hesitate to reach out to someone locally if you need the help.

You're thinking way too much. You're still here. You had a panic attack. The death you experienced was the death of your ego temporarily. Try to let it go and move on.

I know a few people who mix caapi leaf in with their weed to help them with paranoia and anxiety. They swear by it.

That's not saying it would do the same for you.

It really sounds like you need to lay off the pot until you've dealt with the panic attacks though. If you can't quit the caapi leaf might be worth a try.

I used to not get panic attacks when I smoked weed btw. It just started after this trip. I used to mix weed and DMT together without problems. I really don't understand why this happened. I really have a hard time quitting weed despite only taking one or two hits a night. I haven't had a panic attack since I took LSD then smoked weed about 6 months ago, but I get horrible symptoms still when I smoke a dab or too much weed most of the time. I hope my brain heals one day. I haven't smoked dmt for 8 months and I'm done with acid until I heal. I'll use dmt again one day. I just gave it up because I never got over this. I think my mom's cancer, fucking up another semester at school, and quitting suboxone has really messed me up. I had to take time off school because I can't focus anymore because I fucked up my brain with various drugs. I quit Suboxone nov 15 2012 and I'm just now starting to feel somewhat normal. DMT actually help me quit a five year suboxone habit.

I also meditate but not consistently and struggle with it most of the time. I have successfully meditated and went deep a dozen times but most of the time I cant focus and get into it. I went to a floatation tank twice. First time was awesome...second float didn't go well. I'm trying to stick to meditation because it has helped but I can't do it sometimes because my thoughts race and I have horrible anxiety. Sometimes, I'm too nervous to meditate and give up after ten or twenty minutes because I'm going nowhere.

I wouldn't do any more psychedelics until the issues with my mother had been resolved for quite some time. Taking an extended break is never a bad idea.