The experience in which started my path of integration can be found here: https://www.dmt-nexus.me...aspx?g=posts&t=40152

So it has been almost a year and a half of integrating an experience that I feel has changed my life. Not just the experience itself, possibly more so the journey while working through the integration. It has had its ups and downs, I have had my doubts and fears. There were times where I felt like there was no end, times where I thought I was permanently damaged psychologically. Having a strong will and a strong mind has been an invaluable tool. This has taught me so much, has been a huge push in my personal improvement endeavors, and will forever be a staple in my life.

I will attempt to explain this as best I can. I am still in the process of understanding all of it, and have just recently come to the understanding that my entire integration has had a theme. This now makes a lot of sense, as this is linked to what my mindset was during the days before my heavy experience as well as part of an idea that I have had for quite some years now. I have a greater understanding of myself as well as what I need to do to continue on.

Integration of Emotional experience

To give a little background, and to help you visualize what I have been going through these last 16 months, I will detail my thoughts and feelings that I believe led to or have something to do with why my integration period was based on emotional experience. For quite sometime in the past I had a fascination with learning to control my emotions in a more logical manner. I believed that a lot of issues in life could be solved by implementing a sort of control over my emotional reactions. The idea was to learn complete control over all my emotions in a way that didnt allow them to influence my thoughts or actions unless I allowed them to surface. Oh how I see the flaws in this thinking now.

(note: Each stage that did not begin due to an emotional experience were each approximately 2-3 months long, give or take)

Stage 1: Exit experience. (Only a few days spent in this stage)

Upon leaving the experience I was baffled, shocked, even scared. Especially scared to use DMT in the future. This fear of future DMT use subsided but returned periodically during my integration. I felt the normal "after DMT use" excitement and astonishment. This all lasted at least a few days before the more negative side effects surfaced.

Stage 2: Full baseline from astonishment (Dealing with insanity)

This stage was the most difficult. I experienced depersonalization syndrome coupled with derealization syndrome for atleast a few months. I had moderate PTSD, paranoia of going into a full trip/loop while sober, fears of permanent psychological damage, the list goes on. I would have episodes where I would literally feel like I couldnt remember how to "be" in this world. It was hard to deal with, but I pushed on hoping that this would pass. All this while still going to work, paying bills, attempting to act normal and live life as if nothing happened.

Stage 3: Coming out of the dark.

This was where I knew that I would get better. Everything lessened a little. I realized that if I continued to push through this everything would be ok, and possibly better. This is where I fully decided to work on integrating my experience and moving on with my life. I was able to sometimes put it all out of my mind and "act" normal (in a way anyways). Although during this stage I still experienced, periodically, depersonalization/derealization syndrome side effects as well as slight PTSD. All to a lesser degree of course, but sometimes it caught me off guard. I still had thoughts every once in awhile where I would question if I would ever fully feel my normal self again, and what that was even like. I couldn't remember how I felt before.

Stage 4: Realizations and attempted understanding

This was an interesting stage. I started to get a better understanding of the integration process. I also had some strong realizations through observation of certain things I was experiencing. The previous negative effects had lessened even more and I was starting to learn to cope much better. I realized I was experiencing a HUGE disconnect with my emotions and attachments to physical possessions. I was not directly effected in a manner where my emotions would come into play like they normally would. I literally felt disconnected from my emotions. They wouldn't surface at all mostly but when they did, they were very slight. I was basically emotionless. I also was not concerned with money much anymore. Everything that I had "wanted" or things that interested me were unimportant now. I continued to goto work but now I was saving huge chunks of money since I wasnt spending anything on trying new hobbies or upgrading old ones ect. I also wasn't sure how to "feel" about all this. So I didn't.

Stage 5: First emotional breakthrough (SADNESS)

This stage literally started from the fact a friend moved out to be closer to work. Now I was alone. I came home to him packing up his rig (we had talked previously about this possibly happening) as he had decided spontaneously to just move now. I felt a little shock but held it down. As soon as he left I went inside and had a massive breakdown. My first experience with a strong emotion since my last DMT use. I hit the ground bawling my face off. I felt alone, abandoned, severe sadness. I cried alone for some time. This shifted something inside me. I was able to feel certain emotions a little stronger now. Especially loneliness. During this time living alone I had very few visits from friends. I learned to enjoy living alone.

Stage 6: Loss of a friend and anger for other reasons

Sometime after my friend moved out, another friend of mine took his life. This one was difficult mostly because I was still detached from my emotions and I was experiencing a difficulty in expressing my pain as well as feeling it. I knew I hurt but it didnt feel real and I was unable to fully cry and let it all out. During this time I felt extreme anger from a completely different situation that I was also dealing with. This part of me did surface and allowed me to vent some built up emotions in a rather unhealthy manner, but needed none the less. I started to realize around this time that my ability to experience emotions were coming back, but very slowly.

Stage 7: Empathy and selflessness

Another friend of mine was going through a difficult time and ended up moving in. This allowed me to experience some slight empathy again, which was great. I really cherish my empathetic abilities as it allows me to really connect and help others deal with issues in their own lives. It was only slight, but this period of time also allowed me to be selfless and go to great lengths to help a few people during extreme times of need. This all led to the next stage which was needed to really jump start the rest of my integration. I am kind of skipping ahead as I cant recall a whole lot of changes over the next few months.

Stage 8: New beginnings and massive changes

I moved. I changed a lot of my routines and habits. This is where I have started to really focus on creating a new work space in my head and healthier routines in my life. Change is a must if you are not content with large aspects of your daily life. It also helps to move, as I feel like where you live effects you on the mental level. Major mental changes are possible if you change where you live, sleep, and eat. Where I was living was causing a lot of stress due to a bunch of reasons I wont get into. I also experienced a short lived and temporary feeling of happiness and belonging during this time. This stage was a pretty strong shift in my mindset and paved the way for the next, possibly most important, stage which is where I currently reside.

Stage 9: LOVE, DEPRESSION, extreme HAPPINESS, ect...

In that order EXACTLY. I wont go too much in detail in order to keep this more brief. After meeting someone new and finding a strong connection with this person I was blasted with an emotion I havent felt for a long time. The feeling of love wasn't towards this new friend, but I was experiencing it full bore. It was quite overwhelming and I didnt know what to do with it. After a couple days of this I went through a full week and a half of very severe depression that was so overwhelming I was having a difficult time hiding it. Then I had a period of 3 days in a row where I experienced pure ecstasy for reasons of which I still can not figure out.

During this entire period of integration I have experienced difficulty in crying. I like to vent some pent up emotion through crying every once in awhile. This week I was able to do that FINALLY (besides the episode I had during stage 5). I feel like I was able to let out so many different things through my tears, that I now feel so much better. I am experiencing a full range of emotions that I have not had for so long, and not only that I feel way more in touch with them. I can visualize the emotions, I can experience them in a more pure fashion. I also feel like I can pull back from them a little if they get too out of control.

This all led me to understand this was my lesson, this was my journey. This was my integration. I understand my emotional side and feel more in tune with it. I cannot say that my integration is over, as I feel I am forever going to be integrating. I can however say that this has been a success story, and I feel I have come out of the fire and climbed the highest mountain. I feel more like "me" than I have ever felt in my entire life. I still have things to work on, and personal improvement is a lifelong goal IMO...

...but I am here, in the now, and HAPPY.

I'm glad to hear that things are progressing and going relatively well for you at this point, anrchy. I can't say I have ever had quite so much of an intense and long-lasting integration period from a psychedelic experience, but I have gone through similar after other life-changing events. It sounds like you have grown a lot from this experience, and I sincerely hope you continue to. Much love, brother.

I read your original experience report yesterday. Quite possible one of the most powerful I've read and it made me a little apprehensive to attempt the full blown experience. I have absolutely no basis to relate to such a profound happenstance.

I'm glad that after that you are now making the best of a harrowing experience. I don't know if I could do the same. Reading your process of integration however might help me and others get back to normality if that were to unfold in our lives.

Your report and a few others nearly put me off from attempting to ever reach the outter limits. After reading your overcoming process I feel a little better about my desire to attempt a true full breaking experience. After all I'm a soul of the utmost curiosity.

Again I hope you continue to blossom towards positive life integration from your immense experience. Wish you well on possible future voyages. There is nothing I can really say that can contribute much of relevance to attempt to help you from my standpoint.

I occasionally like to think I know things about stuff. However the Nexians here that fall into your class certainly have that secret knowledge that can only be experienced but even after so barely understood nonetheless. Dare I say I want into that club!

Best of vibes for your continued positive integration! Peace

If anyone has any questions feel free to ask. I did leave some things out, just wasn't sure how to fit everything in and keep it a good size. Forcing myself to socialize as much as possible, which really wasn't a whole lot, was very helpful in getting through certain days.

At this current point I am also experiencing some slight overwhelming emotions. I think this is due to the fact I havent been experiencing them fully for some time as well as the fact I feel like I am having them in a different manner than usual. I am still learning, and am being taught something new almost everyday now, about myself.

I want to add, I smoked weed around 15 times and tried to dose DMT 3-4 times. Each dose was very low (~12mg) and most of them scared me away. I also dosed around half a gram of mushrooms one night which helped me understand my anxiety with DMT.

Although I believe any full doses of psychs possibly hinder the integration process.

Kudos to you, Anrchy.

Its awesome to see someone so aware of their integration process, and working through it for self improvement.

Our emotions are so important in our life, I think that's what so great about being human. We have this whole spectrum of emotions at our finger tips.
I'm a very emotional person, and it took me a while to learn how to be self aware of my feelings, being able to be emotional but not let them rule me.

Would you say this intergration has helped you get more in touch with your feelings?

I am in a similar boat, though not caused by one specific breakthrough. My use of DMT has been a catalyst for major change and self improvment in my life.

I'm teetering on the egde of making some serious life changes at the moment,
Ending a 10 year relationship, moving across country, cutting out bad habits and so much more.

I feel like a plant that has outgrown its pot, and I am ready to be replanted in a bigger and better garden.

I know these changes will be difficult
But when your working for self improvement, its always a good idea to move foward with what you need.

Your story is inspirational. Thanks for sharing it.

I am very emotional as well. Being a male that has caused some interesting internal conflict earlier in life, but I am not ashamed that I enjoy expressing my emotions, and have felt this way for quite a few years. I agree on the importance of emotions. Even more so now, as I have learned that IMO they ARE what this experience of life as humans is about.

Yes I would definitely say this integration, especially this latest stage, has brought me closer to my emotional state. I have noticed now that when I start to experience emotion, I almost go into this virtual reality visualization mode. I can envision what I am experiencing in an almost visual way. I dont actually have any hallucinations or visions, its kind of hard to explain. Anyways, this allows me to kind of experience the emotion in a 1st/3rd person mode at the same time. It sounds crazy but its just a mindset/space. Its actually very simple. I feel that I experience emotion in a much stronger way, but somehow not in a stronger way where it is over powering, a different stronger. Like the emotions are more detailed or have more sensation texture to them. Although I have had some overwhelming ones, but I believe this is me learning to experience full emotion again, as well as at this new level.

This is all on a level that is much less crazy than it sounds. It also feel very natural. I am able to observe and experience the emotion at the same time more so than ever before. Which I am learning how to utilize all this, but again its all very subtle and if i wasn't paying as close attention I would miss it.



Moving is a very strong catalyst for change IMO. I am sorry to hear about your long relationship possibly coming to an end. That can be very taxing on a person, but you can utilize being single in a very positive way for personal growth. Removing bad habits from your daily routine is important, I see this as the little changes. They have big effects though, in a good way. I like your analogy, I have felt that way many times. In a way you can look at your pot as your bubble, you can change this. Dont let your bubble control you, you live within it but it is yours to do with as you wish.

Don't ever give up, yes it is difficult at times, sometimes you want to give up or lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember, its the journey that is the most rewarding, not the prize at the end.

And when all else fails... I Love You.

I can completely relate with the PTSD, depersonalization and derealization! I had it for about 8 months. I was even afraid that if I didn't feel anything for long enough that I'd lose interest in breathing. Not that i was suicidal, but, I was afraid (mentally, not emotionally, which is REALLY scary!) that I was just going to lose the will to live out of feeling so thin/unreal.

I loved reading your process and I could pinpoint a lot of the same moments I went through myself. I just wish I knew I was integrating then as now I know I was. Did you feel like you were having to learn everything over again? I got so emotionless that I couldn't tell when I was thirsty, or had to urinate, etc. Everything felt foreign and razor thin. I was forcing myself to eat cause I knew my body needed it. Eventually I had to simplify my thoughts, not over think, and let my sense of wonder come back. Emotions followed. There so much more to it, I think I go further into detail in my introduction thread.

Thank you for sharing. It's amazing when you can look back and connect everything to have that "AHA!" moment. Almost like, "yeah universe, I see what you were doing there, and there, leading me to and fro! Giving me learning experiences."

This knowledge, this experience of going so far and coming back better than ever makes one so strong I feel. More tender, but stronger as well.

Thank you very much for taking the time to write this down and share with us, anrchy!
This is a truly great thread. One that should be put in the quality experiences section if you ask me.

I feel like the experience "reset" certain parts of my mind. Since it all came in stages I was given the chance to relearn how to be but at a much slower rate. Given the fact that I was being allowed to do this with an older mind, I feel very grateful. I can resonate with the need to resort to simplifying every thought. When I would have a severe episode of derealization it was difficult to handle and extreme anxiety would wash over me. I would think to myself "This is IT! I'm gonna go nuts!". I would just push through it and hold on to my sanity as much as I could. Every time this happened I felt like I conquered something.



I also dont know what to call this, cause it wasnt really an ego death I dont think... or is it? All I know is I learned so much, and I think when I am able to use DMT again I will be that much more prepared for it.



Thank you house! I appreciate your approval. I would feel honored if this were to go in that section.

It's strange cause it just kind of popped into my head that I should write this down, Hostilis said go for it so I started work on it. It came out a lot better than I hoped, the more I wrote the more I remembered. I am positive I forgot a lot of stuff, but I believe the most important stuff is in there. While integrating the whole thing was on my mind the entire time. Which was very helpful as it allowed me to be more observant.

Sorry for the delayed response.

I have a lot of respect for a man that is in touch with his emotions. I have not met many that are open and vulnerable enough to share their emotions or cry even.

I understand what you mean by viewing yourself in the 3rd person when experiencing emotions. It was this perspective that helped me to have better control/reaction to my emotions.
So I could feel them. But not be controled by them. Good or bad.

This perspective is very helping when dealing with difficult emotions, like anger and sadness.

In the last few years, I've done some major soul searching and have been working on self growth, like I said DMT has been a great tool for this.

Sadly, sometimes you grow apart from the people you love.
My relationship has become very stagnant despite all my efforts to keep it together.
I'm ready for a new chapter. A new adventure, and more growth and self improvement. My relationship doesn't seem to be supportive of this. So, as hard as it is. Its probably time that I move on. I believe in the end it will be benifical to both parties.

Yes, even physically moving on as well. Moving across the country back to my home state, to be closer to my family and closest friends. After 15 years of being away. During all these big changes a lot of smaller ones will be happening as well.

After the breakup and before the move, I'm thinking of going to Peru or somewhere and spending some time working with Aya in a traditional setting. Hopeing that it will help clear out the cobwebs of the past and help with my new future. and maybe some healing and insight. Since this will be a fresh start, I want to approach it with the highest perceptive I can.

It is all about the journey. I agree..
Thanks for the advice.

I Love you too

Mz.Gypzy:

This is all our great journey in the classroom that is life. It looks like you have a good head on your shoulders, and a good outlook on the changes you feel you need to make. That is extremely important IMO. If you view all these changes as necessary in a negative light it will be more difficult to triumph. Change is good, it means you understand where you are at and what you are doing. It means you know that you dont have to stay that way and allows you to discover new things so that you learn more about yourself and open new doors to opportunity.

The biggest clue that a relationship isnt working, is when one person is putting in more work than the other. Relationships require the partners to exchange and share the energy within it, not compete for it.

Trip to Peru to take Ayahuasca... sounds great! Fresh starts are my favorite. I have actually initiated them multiple times in my life. I think I need constant change, just need to find different ways of creating that without needing to move every few years and changing all my friends.

Variety is the spice of life.

I agree this in conjunction with the former report could be refiled to 'quality'. Thanks for the share anrchy.

This stage that I'm in right now has been fairly enlightening. I can't help but feel like all these emotional experiences that helped propel me into the next were destined. Life works in funny ways.

My goal during this step is to make new connections with people. I'm in go mode and feel confident to seek out people I can feel strong connections with. I've also decided today that I need to GTFO. This guy is in need of a serious adventure. Unfortunately these silly career job things make taking a substantial amount of time off impossible.

Stage 10: Paving a way for the future

I have entered a new stage. One of the most important part of this stage is my understanding that I HAVE to have a creative outlet. Over the past year or so I have attempted multiple different creative hobbies but none of them captured me. Over the last couple of months I have found a very strong connection with music. I always have had a connection but now its different. In the past I played clarinet, saxophone (in my younger years), guitar and drums. I quit playing guitar several years back and drums as well. I had lost that spark they used to give me. A few days ago I received my first MIDI keyboard. I have already spent much time messing around on it and I can feel the passion flowing over me. This is it.

I listen to music a lot now. I can feel it center me and allows me to calm my mind down and lessen the amount of thoughts that pour through it. I have also been fairly active now that the sun is out. I've already taken a couple trips, camping, riding, ect. I have confidence and am feeling emotionally stable. I am able to deal with issues in life very well now. There have been a few problems arise just recently and they didnt bother me at all. I was able to logically deal with them and accomplish my tasks without stress. I am not completely without stress however, although it seems much easier to deal with and doesn't have such a strong hold on me anymore. I feel like I can handle anything.

Love

Sounds like you're in a good place... No doubt if you can express even part of your journey via music, it'll be something worth listening to. Good luck with it!