Maybe it's your ego trying to die and you aren't letting go? Are you letting go? Btw, there is no escape from consciousness/reality. Maybe you can escape your current life as your current personality but for what reason would you do that? Do you really want to kill yourself?

Hi Giver of will,

to me it sounds like anxiety.

Not all plants are equal.

You said: - I haven't done any for a year and run into some spice... Do you do some research into what does what, and have some goal or dirrection?

Ibogaine full flood should be the first thing one does, it is safe if you don't have a hart problem, and it is safe emotionally as well.

As other members have pointed out meditation is a must, I would add going to a group is better for beginners, and eventually build up your samadhi to do retreats. I would add that psychoanalysis is a great thing to do,

I think it is good that you tapped into this, only if you explore it with other tools as mentioned, else what is the point?

Lastly, I do agree with you that the forum is full of only "angelic paradisiac heavens", as I wrote in my last thread. I will write a post regarding this.

Good luck and let us know how thing are going for you,
Jox

EDIT
Both LSD and mushrooms increases the anxiety, I don't know for smoked DMT since I don't do it, but taking others that have calming properties can be a good way to go.

I dealt with this same issue for many years. As someone mentioned, I believe it was my unconscious being forced into my conscious mind. The barriers between the two being weakened or even non-existent during a powerful psychedelic trip.

I saw the suicidal ideation as my 'old' self, or my repressed self, coming to the surface. I don't know if you've struggled with depression in the past, but I certainly had a history of that in my life. Even if you're not consciously aware of being depressed at any point in your life, I believe there could still be those lingering feelings beneath the surface.

When I had to confront these suicidal issues I believed that my depression had been dealt with and I had no real reason to be depressed or suicidal. I had all the things you're describing as well. Good job, good personal relationships, good physical health, etc.

Anyhow, to get to the point, I had to battle it out with this manifestation of my 'shadow' as Jung might put it. I went through a particularly harrowing trip, put these thoughts and feelings into perspective, realizing that they are a part of me forever but they cannot control me any longer. In my experience, this part of myself has not gone away, it will always be there. I'm simply in control now.

Your experience could be something completely different. But I feel by reading your posts that perhaps you need exactly what I needed. Confront these feelings head on. Suicidal thoughts can be confusing and frightening, especially if you don't understand where they might be coming from. You may have to accept that there is a part of yourself that is in turmoil and is attempting to take control. Make that darkness recede by blanketing it with light

I think it is referring to ego death, the synthetic death of yourself to be "born again", this is the epitome of the shamanic spiritual enlightened awakening, and to my mind is the necessary constituent.

But one thing is for sure. This comes from within you. From your subconscious mind.
There's obviously some issue there down under that needs to be addressed.

Um.. Yeah dude. They are just drugs. Would you eat a food that made you want to kill your self? Would you date a woman that made you want to kill your self? Would you climb a mountain thinking you were gonna die.

Seriously get over yourself and walk away form the drugs.
It's pretty obvious they aren't for you at this stage of your life and they may never be.. SO WHAT.
The psychedelic experience is but one experience to be had in the life of a human. Sure it's a great experience, but so is getting a black belt, a college degree, taking a woman out on a first date, visiting far away places..

Life is beautiful. Psychedelics can be an enhancement at times. They can even be learning tools.
But whether you like this or not some drugs/medications don't work so well for some people and some drugs that cure certain people kill other people. So quite frankly if what you say is true, that you want to kill yourself at the peak over EVERY trip, then I conclude these drugs are toxic to your mind and YOU should walk away from them before you become a statistic.

Peace

There is definitely wisdom in what you say. But drugs DON'T cure people. Especially mental and emotional dis-eases. Drugs can facilitate a cure, but it is the person, and only the person that can cure the dis ease.

Sometimes it's not an all or nothing either with drugs. But if there is a consistent scenario that is presenting itself, that person definitely needs to learn/adjust, or figure out exactly why it is coming up. And if that person can't or wont make the adjustments, then it could be best to stop for a long time with provoking the situation, especially ones as dramatic as psychedelic experiences. Because yes, they can get toxic. I know from experience, but it only took about 1 1/2 years of being completely sober before I was able to work out what i needed to fix(MANY things), and then fix them. And it took admitting defeat and saying I was done for good, for me to fix my problems. Instead of giving my power away to something else, I took control, and did what I needed to do with out any ''help''. But after a year, i realized that my path required re-introducing psychedelics back into my life at some point. And now I can comfortably use psychedelics to continue the learning. And in fact I am incredibly grateful do psychedelics, dmt especially for bringing up so much trash that lay hidden (from me ) If it weren't for dmt, i would have never gone sooooooo deep that I realized that I needed to completely re-arrange and readjust my life and perception of life.

I often tell people that, through pain and suffering is the door to enlightenment (At least initially) and my personal experiences illustrate the point perfectly. . Without the pain, we wouldn't know what to change. Embrace the pain. Embrace the fears. They bind the darkness, the hate, the anger to us. They journey through the abyss is a most difficult journey. It can be months, years, or decades, but when you start to see the light again, you know why you had to go. Break the bonds of darkness. Live in the light of love The path to the source is dimly lit.

It's a common teaching in many schools of Buddhism, and I've heard it from Hindu yogis in India as well, that one of the last stages before you completely shed the ego is the urge to kill yourself. They say it's the last ditch effort of the ego to keep it's grip on you. Sort of a "If I'm going down, then I'm taking you with me!" sort of thing.

It's maybe a good idea to give the psychedelics a rest, but it may also be in your interest to confront this urge. There is some facet of the self that is trying to get you to do this, so maybe you need to look this part of you right in the face and put it in its place. I would echo the advice of others here and say that you should have a trip sitter present if this is a consistent urge. A safe environment and a hefty dose might go a long way toward confronting this self-destructive part of you.

Ha ha, much agreed! You must relax the mind and heart. Calm and simmer your self. Be with it. No force. You see? Too much force is gaining some kind of psychological barrier within. You must observe and see through this nonsense. Its time to accept and realize where and who you are in life. Right here. No rush. Stay calm and internally silent. Gradually, you'll notice your true nature.

This experience you've had is completely relatable to my own self, too. A kind of barrier. Sometimes the mind can be crazy. Trust your heart for the time being and return to the psychoactives when you feel prepared. If this particular drug is not for you then you need to stop. Perhaps it is not needed for your life? We all have our different ways of learning through life. Life doesn't mean smoke DMT, thats apart of it and is there if you wish to take it. Trust yourself and be responsible for the cycle of your learning. It's an art, really.

Hope that helps. Take care!

So I have a question for the OP - what do you take psychedelics for? What are your intentions for taking them? Do you work with them, do you integrate your trips after you've had them? Have you had any profound learning experiences on them at all?

It seems you are taking psychedelics mainly recreationally, which is by all means ok. However, if you are having some kind of negativity recurring in these trips, perhaps next time you try them you should focus on this negativity to find out what it is, where it's comming from and how to integrate/dissolve it.

From my experience fighting this kind of thing only makes it stronger - like the newtonian principle of action and reaction, the more you push the more it will push back. But we can investigate, we can learn to recognize it, figure it out and then perhaps we will know how to handle it. We might find out that it's not really an urge to kill ourselves but something else entirely. Or we may simply feel it losing its grip on us the more we accept it and then let it pass. That is, we accept that the thought exists in our mind, but without fighting it, soon another thought will replace it, in the endless train of thoughts that passes through our minds. It is only when we feel a thought is revolting enough to want to erase it from existence that it starts forming a loop in our mind.

For me it was a mix of both of these things when I had my dark experiences that literally left me breathless - the ones I think endlessness has aluded to. I had problems with my breath pattern for months after these trips - a kind of chronic hyperventilation - in addition to the feeling that something within was going to push me infront of a car or provoke some kind of fatal accident (i.e. suicide). Understanding what was happening inside was difficult and the cause of all this negativity was complex. I thought perhaps another psychedelic could reverse the process or magically cure me, but after a few failed tries I realized I needed to take the slower approach. They did however help me identify some things that needed to be worked on within me.
I did not want to kill myself, but I also didn't want to continue on like I was - I could simply not feel happy about anything, even though there was nothing terribly wrong with my life. It led me to a seeries of transformations, starting from diet to surrounding myself with the right kind of people and work, to using my minds capacity for new things which finally resulted in the oportunity to dramatic change, which I am very happy I took. The negativity ebbed slowly, every day a little bit as I got my sleeping patterns in order and began eating well again.

I'm sure your case is different. But you see, we are complex beings and many things can contribute to your results. Sometimes it's very hard to find one cause. Even so, you should start identifying possible thigns you can adjust to make things better, even if it's only a tiny move at a time.

That being said, if this negativity you experience during psychedelics does not bleed into your every day life, if there is no relation (which I highly doubt, but hey, stranger things have happened) at all, and you don't need to take them... by all means, don't! I mean, really, what's the point?

This user hasn't been back on the forum since the day after his last post in April.

He has exhibited psychotic thoughts of derealization that remind me of exactly what MJC was saying all the time. When your psychedelic experiences constantly tell you that this reality is an illusion and you should kill yourself you need to just stop taking psychs right then and there.

I won't comment on whether I think you should take a break from the entheogens or not. But I'd like to share my observations on DMT and death ideations.

I've tripped hundreds of times on various substances and with a handful of notably rocky exceptions, it's mostly been pretty fear-free. But over the past five years or so (I'm 45) I've found that Death has become a strong presence in all my more powerful spice trips. Now it's quite different for me from how you describe it: there is no death wish or urge to die; rather, there is a confrontation with death that is central to every peak. I always do everything possible to look away and avoid the subject, and am gradually trying to nerve myself up toward eventually facing this thing directly. Meanwhile I am still getting a lot from my experiences, but the inevitable tea time with Death always makes it more challenging to pick up the pipe in the first place.

Last night I softened the fear a bit by starting with 200ug of acid, then as I came into my peak started firing up bowl after bowl of spice, with the third one being a good 35mg breakthrough dose. And it was absolutely incredible, the multidimensional language patterns building in complexity until in a bright flash they invited me in deeper, to the next level. At that point I was ready to go to whatever depth, but all of a sudden I'm taking a ride on a Ferris wheel with Death sharing my seat. No urge to kill myself, nothing like that, just a gaping maw of nihilistic nonexistence blotting out everything, and sort of chuckling. So there's a minute or two of hanging on with all my might to resist oblivion, even though on some level that's what I was seeking to begin with.

Anyway, I don't know if this has any relevance to your situation... But Death is part of the threshold psychedelic experience. Expecting its presence in advance, and being somewhat at peace with it, can help get you past the tough parts.