"I, I, I"

I, I, I is what I keep hearing and thinking when I feel lonely, depressed, and just outright broken. I keep thinking, "the universe does not circle me and only me because if it did I would not feel alone". I am having trouble seeing the line between self pity and utter self destruction. So I keep remembering that one night I took DMT. Wow, what a game changer. I was shown that there is something unfathomable and utterly amazing that is connected to me. I was shown that I am part of something wonderful and I am loved and part of some kind of love energy. The ego was finally gone and I was swimming in the cosmic life force and it was good, and I was finally happy. For many months I was free and realized there is a life to be lived and enjoyed. But then time wore me down and my foolish actions betrayed me. Was it my ego that leaped out of the shadows that lonely night in December? Was it my ego that snickered like a demon and strangled me until there was nothing left but a dark decay? I, I, I. Am I self centered? If so the center of me is now a gaping hole and I am laying at the bottom lost in self. It feels like I had a soul but it was taken from me. Do I even exist anymore? I keep telling myself "it is my fault and to stop feeling sorry for myself". I keep telling myself "give up because what's the point?" Then I tell myself to "drink heavy to mask the pain" but the pain does not cease, it seems to be festering into something far more sinister. So I tell myself to "find a way out, a way to finally be free", but there is no easy way out of this self perpetuated misery. So I dream of other worlds away from this reality. I put these dreams in my music and poetry but they now feel so far away. That is when I realized there is a voice in my head that is not me, it is not my thoughts. Could it be my conscience? Could it be my ego. I do not know for sure all I know is this voice is very evil and extremely deceiving. This voice is relentless and patient. I have no doubt it is the enemy but it is doubt that makes me weak. I feel as if my mind has been hijacked, like something is trying to destroy me. I, I, I, think it's time to once again do DMT.

The White Rabbit

Depression will do that, shuts part of you down leaving the 'dark passenger' to dominate but you can still come out of it.
Low dose DMT can also be a game changer, it can lift depression almost instantaneously and catalyse a long lasting positive change. Have a think if your environment is toxic for you, if it is leave go somewhere else if you can afford it. Go travelling I highly recommend it for restoring your faith in humanity and finding your true self..best wishes you'll come out of it.

Always remember that deep inside you is a dangerous man who will kill to protect kittens, puppies, bunnies and babies.

dreamtripper's traveling advice is right on the money too. It cannot be emphasized enough how refreshing and healing it is to expand yourself through different kinds of people and walk down streets you've never in your life expected to find, nor will ever find again.

If the ego is unhealthy, you'll always fall back to that same unhealthy ego. DMT and other substances are enabling you to distance yourself a bit from that unhealthy ego of yours, but only for a definite amount of time. Not saying that you can use that newfound joy to rebuild your ego...but if that newfound self isn't allowed to take root, nothing of substance is gained.