Hello friends,

As some of you know, I recently ended up taking an ambulance to the emergency room. I know I have been talking about this over in the Chat Hall, but it was such a significant experience that I wished to get some more feedback. It is going to be pretty difficult to relate what I was going through, and I have had very little sleep for the past two days, so forgive me if this tale leaves you scratching your heads.

About twelve years ago I underwent a near-fatal drug overdose. As can be expected, this experience had a major impact on my young mind. It was enough to scare me straight, and I went sober for three years. I was also diagnosed with PTSD and began suffering panic attacks.

For many months these panic attacks dictated my life. They occurred on a daily basis and I began to fear leaving the house. I was put on an insane amount of Xanax, which made day to day life barely tolerable. Through the blessings of time and a dedication to health and sobriety the panic attacks started to subside, and eventually I stopped taking the benzos altogether.

I still have panic attacks from time to time, but they are usually insignificant. I have been involved with Buddhism from a very young age (my parents were Buddhists), so meditation is my secret weapon for dealing with these. I never felt the need keep benzos around.

On Thursday night, I was hanging out in the Chat Room, which has become a new habit for me of late. I felt the beginning of a panic attack start to stir. No big deal. I excused myself from the conversation and focused on some simple deep breathing and awareness techniques.

This started around midnight, and it quickly became apparent that this was not going to be an ordinary, run-of-the-mill, nothing to worry about panic attack. The details are going to get pretty vague at this point. For the next eight hours, until an ambulance was called, I went through the most intense and bizarre episode that I have ever experience while not under the influence of drugs. Remember, I have had hundreds of these things, over the course of twelve years.

I entered a very psychedelic (for lack of a better term) state. It was much like the waking dream state of the ayahuasca experience. I could feel the presence of three snakes within my chest. These snakes would squeeze my heart, causing immense chest pains and dizziness. I couldn't stand on my own and was pouring sweat. My face was dead white and my skin clammy.

I didn't think that I was going to die, I knew that I was going to die. I knew that these snakes could kill me at any moment, and that they would when they were done playing with me. I started to hallucinate. Everything looked different and glowed with auras. My mother came down to comfort me. I didn't even recognize her. I thought that she was a spirit from the other side, waiting to pull me over the boundary of death. I was also reliving vivid scenes from my past. I was filled with regret and terror.

Now, most of you are thinking why I waited eight hours to call an ambulance. Both my parents and I have seen enough panic attacks to know that they pose no real threat. Although you feel like your dying, you are actually relatively safe. I knew that this was different, though. I feel that I was very close to death in some way. I feel that the doors between life and death were open and I was straddling the boundary.

I am also out on bail. I was afraid that if I went to the hospital they would take my blood and I would show up positive for something stupid. That would mean that I would go back to jail and my parents were going to be out ten grand. I know that shouldn't be a question when it comes to a possible fatal situation, but I was not thinking clearly. This kept up for eight hours. My parents finally called an ambulance when I collapsed.

When the ambulance arrived I was in rough shape. Its crazy, when I got to the hospital all of my vitals were perfectly normal. The doctors assured me that I wasn't in any danger at all. I really can't describe how I felt that night, but something was going on and it wasn't just in my head. I think that it was a very real possibility that I could have died. The spirits were waiting for me. It was so intense.

So the doctors told me nothing was wrong and gave me one Ativan and sent me on my way. Within an hour of being home the whole thing started again, and I had to work my way through it for another four hours. By this time my mind was shot. I really didn't know what I was, if I was dead or alive. I have been having mini-episodes, much like aftershocks. I managed to get three hours of sleep last night and am starting to feel like I am finally safe.

I want to emphasize that I have been dealing with this for years, but nothing like at this level. Panic attacks usually last an hour tops, and this was eight hours of non-stop intensity. My body felt so close to death. I almost think that this could be considered a near-death experience.

As I have written elsewhere, I am facing some serious drug charges. I have started using ayahuasca for the first time in my life and had six sessions all within weeks of each other. I am sure the stress from my legal woes contributed to the attack, but I wonder if I didn't attract some hostile spirits during my journeys. This was nothing like I have ever experienced. I am doing my best, but I really can't convey how I felt and what I saw that night.

Well thank you for your time. I know this is a kind of strange "trip report." Hopefully my next one wont be so dark, with leprechauns and dancing maidens. I was going to drink some of my super-potent chali brew this weekend, but I think that I need to give myself some time. I have paid sever consequences for pushing the boundaries. For now I am happy with just being alive. I am also grateful for everybody here, I have met many good folks. This rodent feels right at home in his new neck of the woods. Onward ho!

Wow sounds very intense!

Glad to know you are alright now.

I think you really should avoid taking psychedelics or any drug for that matter, at least for the moment till you are in a better headspace.

If I may ask, what drug was it that you overdosed with?

By the way, this may come in handy, even if its not an exogenous psychedelic experience but rather some spontaneous event like you had:

https://wiki.dmt-nexus.m..._trips_.2F_Dark_entities

Wish you well!

Oh come on, do you really think it's a good time to take illegal hallucinogens in this situation? I mean if you have 10k to give away, I'll send you my Paypal address. But unless your legal situation has improved, I'd stick to legal psychedelics/entheogens and meditation. No need to rush things. And 10k gets you good healing trips in Peru without dealing with western stubbornness. No need to rush things. Chill out and be safe.

[Disclaimer: contains my personal, subjective opinion]

I appreciate your opinion.

I wrote about this in my introduction essay. I realize that I am taking a risk drinking aya, but this is a risk that we all take isn't it? I was in a position where I was on the brink of suicide. I had to kick a serious heroin habit in jail, and when I got out I was extremely depressed and faced with the possibility of serving some serious time for a crime that I actually had only partial involvement in. I have studied Buddhsim for years and actually lived in a monastery at one point in my life. I turned to aya not for recreation or because I could simply get away with it, but because I was in dire need of healing.

I also don't have 10k to throw away, I am sorry if you got that impression. It is financially and legally impossible for me to attend an international ceremony. Maybe it sounds like I am making excuses, but I have a lot of deep spiritual work to do. I take aya to get to the root of my addiction and to face my situation with a positive attitude.

Obviously there are other ways. I have been involved with so many different forms of spiritual and wholistic lifestyles and practices over the years. It sounds like I have led a double life, and in a way I have.

We all have our reasons for making the decisions that we do. We all must face the consequences for our actions. I turned to aya when I was incredibly depressed and so overwhelmed by my situation that I was seriously considering suicide. I am in a major transition in my life and aya has helped me with that. Is it risky? Of course, but it has helped me develop an attitude that is far more stable and less risky than the state of mind that I was in.

This has been a very difficult situation for me, partly because of all the judgement passed on me. This has been the first forum that I have ever participated in. I welcome and appreciate any criticism, but I have shared this information with great hesitation. This type of communication invites misunderstanding. I guess it is impossible to really try to show this from my perspective. And I don't know if I was clear, but this experience was not induced by drugs.

Ok, that was really long-winded. I guess in short I am saying that I have not gone into this blindly, and for me taking ayahuasca was appropriate for the work I needed to do, despite the risk.

Not all of us live in the US or are on bail though.



Is it a possibility for you to attend a Santo Daime church? There are some churches in the US. As ayahuasca is in their context a sacrament and not schedule 1 drugs, it could be less complicating with regard to your current legal limbo. In any case, doublecheck it with a lawyer (possibly one of Santo Daime's) before assuming anything.

@redsquirrel: I wish you best of luck that you may overcome your mental issues.

Thanks. I can't really argue with your logic. It would actually be more risky for me to attend one of their ceremonies because I would be breaking bail by leaving the state. I guess it is unavoidable, but I was hoping not to have my legal situation be the focus of my posts. I am really looking for insights into my experiences.

I am not sure that my PTSD and panic disorder will ever be completely overcome, per se. I have been living with it for twelve years. At this point, it really isn't much of a problem. This was this first time in years that I had a panic attack of this magnitude. In many ways, this is the first time I have experienced anything like this. I think I have done a good job adapting to my condition.

I don't mean to sound defensive...

I do appreciate your input.

Wow man thats rough, herion took two of my closest friends and ruined them completely. One of them is in jail for armed burglary at the moment. Its awesome to hear though that aya at least helped you become holistic and I hope has kept you away from opioids.

I would also be weary of xanax, my friend's mom had a schizophrenic episode produced by withdraw of xanax. My mom takes xanax and due to things I would never believe would happen the pharmacy doubled her dose and provided her more pills than she had actually been prescribed, and this past weekend she was blacked out for 2 whole days, one of the scariest things in my life was seeing her like that.

If you aren't but can see a therapist, they can definitely provide help.

Good luck! There is great support here for you as well.

It really pisses me off when I hear of people taking three xani bars a day per orders of the doctor. I was prescribed years ago but was able to replace it with yoga and meditation. The panic attacks have been fairly constant through the years, but this is the first time I ended up in the ER for a long time. It would be nice to have some benzos around just in case. And yes, benzo addiction is no joke.

Sorry to hear about your mom. And your friend.

Despite my legal issues, I feel so blessed to be off dope, especially suboxone. I don't think my doctor ever wanted me to get off. He actually refused to lower my dose! It took a good two months to feel normal after withdrawing, but after four months clean I wouldn't trade it for the world!

As far as my recent panic attack goes, I feel like I was actually under attack. It was nothing like any of the attacks that I have dealt with over the years. Does anybody have any thoughts or ideas about this experience? It is hard for me to express how real it was. I really thought that I was looking through death's door. Maybe I was?

Aya seems to be a double edge sword for you it could be surfacing unconcious fears to dispel them and also creating fear because of the legal aspect.
However it does seem to be working, maybe take a break from it the attack could be because you havent integrated properly so the fear is surfacing and building and manifesting in the ways you mention but could it be it now needs to be understood and processed completely to be reduced or eliminated ?
I would take it as a sign to engage in relaxing practices and to think about what aya has shown you. Remember it cant do all the work for you.
How have the actual experiences been?
Ive had a similar extreme panic attack that ended up in hospital it was frightening, I attributed it to wanting to escape my then current situation, my life had me feeling imprisoned within it. I had to take betablockers to control the anxiety. Eventually I changed my life for the better and no longer take any meds other than vit b6 as a serotonin precurssor.
Have you considered hypnosis therapy for the ptsd?
Welcome to the nexus best wishes for a full recovery.

Redsquirrel, firstly let me say that I am sorry to hear about your experience - that must have been scary as hell.

I wonder if it might have been caused by something like migraine-aura-without-headache? I know a guy who gets these but was only diagnosed recently - for years he just thought he was "tripping for no reason". There are records of migraine-aura-without-headaches which involve pain in other areas, such as chest pain, so this is not unheard of. And if the panic-attack-type symptoms weren't there throughout the whole thing, it's possible that this strange and scary experience triggered a panic attack(s) as well as the aura. I want to emphasise that I'm not a doctor, and don't suffer from these myself (my migraines come with headache, lol), but it might be something to look into?

I'm sorry to hear of your experience though happy that you came through unharmed. It may be a good idea to stop using any kind of heavy drugs until your mental space is cleared. Just stay strong through your legal issues with the Amerikan gov and once that is all over, you will have a huge weight off your shoulders. This alone may be enought to heal you more than any substance you can ingest, inhale, shoot up, or otherwise use. That being said, I wish you the best.