I need help, so I'm just gunna blurt it out and see what happens.
To go straigh to the core of things: I'm depressed. Massively and for almost a year now.

Many people say "it's just in your head, because in reality your life isn't that bad at all" and though I admit it could be many times worse I really can't say I am depressed for no particulair reason.

Actually the reasons I'm depressed are very obvious to me. I just wouldn't know what to do about them. The solutions don't seem so obvious.





The Backstory:

I have allways felt quite alienated from most other people. Me being very sensitive and a chronic daydreamer(ADD). This has allways been a burdain, causing me not to tag along at school as smoothly as others. Furthermore few people share my interrests so I've allways felt quite different. As I grew older this became more and more appearant.
The divorce of my parents devastated me, plunged me into depression and psychosis. Loosing my family dealt alot of damage to my security & self-eshteem. I had to be admitted to a psych ward where I spent, alltogether, about a year.


Despite of this, initially I grew up as a very social kid. I enjoyed friendships, groups of friends, partying together..etc as I grew through my teens. After just comming out of the psych ward I did a study at a graphic college, but failed getting through the first year, because of the (previously mentioned) ADD problems. Hard time focussing and organising work.

After that I applied 2ce for art academy, 2 subsequent years, but was turned down 2ce in a row without any comment on my work. That was quite devastating to my self eshteem as well.


I have been on wellfare since, and despite burning ambitions to study, I have lost the courage to attempt it again. Also, financially that's going to be more and more troubling with current ongoing austerity measures. I wish to participate in society, but find myself unable to do so at the standards that these institutions set. And so I am condemned to live at the sideline of society. I feel shut out and useless.

Despite all of this weight on my heart I was still enjoying life, going to the park, being social, being creative, untill a series of events created a turning point after which I have felt more and more depressed gradually and less and less able to enjoy life.

---

Relationships. Out of all things that damaged me, none have damaged me as much as my last 2, failed relationships.
The first was brief, with a girl that was distant and never wanted to bond very much with me. Somehow I had become insanely fond of her. Being dumped like a brick by her tore my heart out and learning she had slept with a close friend crushed it when it was only just starting to heal again. Now, 8 years later it still hurts badly, I still dream of her and long for her love.

The second was with a woman who profited from me financing all her living costs for 3,5 years, refused to be intimate with me during almost the entire relationship and turned out to be unfaithfull too. She lied to my face for 3,5 years. I fed her, gave her a home(she was homeless) and despite hardily ever being intimate with me during 3,5 years I never gave up on her, untill I learned she was unfaithfull. Now she goes around spreading the gossip that during our relationship I supposedly hit her, which I never have.

My trust in women is rather broken.(I know...I said it. You may crucify me now)
People who (say they) care about me try to cheer me up by saying:
"Surely you'll find a true, honoust woman some day", but where ever I look I see friends and mates getting shamelessly deceived by their women too. Nothing any of the women I personally know helps me get my trust in women back, to the contrary...

Allthough my mind can "rationalise" that, maybe, there indeed are honoust, good women out there, my heart won't have any of it. It's in self defense mode and keeps telling me "You saw them, deceiving you heartlessly. Deceiving your friends heartlessly. You know bonding to them and trusting them is just setting yourself up for emotional disaster". And the facts don't exactly plea in favor of the "there are trustworthy women out there"-argument either.

I wish I did see more fair, kind honoust women so I wouldn't have such trouble believing that they indeed exist. Because 9 out of 10 women I encounter are disloyal to their lovers. Just makes me think that that 1 out of 10 might just be as rotten as the rest, just better at hiding it.


So there is my monumental fear of attatchment to a woman, but at the same time and intense desire to experience the love of a woman. To be in a relationship again. These 2 don't go together and they're fighting inside of me. This is driving me insane.


And this women-issue of mine isn't unrelated to my general social phobia which has grown bigger and bigger as well. I cannot stand most of those I used to call friends anymore.
They're either deceptive backstabbers, junkies, "blockheads" or a combination of these.
My social circle has fallen appart since I couldn't stand most of these people anymore.
But now no one remains and honoust, kind, responsible & openminded people are ever so scarce.





And this is where I am now:
Terrified of women & attatchment to them, yet at the same time yearning for the love of a woman.

Distrustfull of people, repulsed by either their boundaryless drugabuse or their rigid, uncreative minds, I isolate myself from them, yet yearn for a social life full of kind, honoust and playfull people that are nowhere to be found.

Full of ambitions and a number of talents, wanting to take part in society(school, work)
and so connected to others, yet unable to keep up at the pace and standards of society's institutions and thus being left out.

I used to live for love, friendship, brotherhood, togetherness...But I see these as naive illusions now. I wish I could believe in them again, because without my life is empty, lonely and hopeless. But I just don't know how, without doing mental acrobatics and deluding myself with positive lies, because however sweet they may be: I just cannot stomach lies.

A cocktail of dillemmas, and I am genuinely clueless how to solve them. How to regain faith in love and friendship again. That is why I am asking you.

I am at this point as well. Funny enough I just realized it full blown this week due to my own adventure with feeling for someone I cant be with. Still dealing with that right now and it has taken its toll on me. I am feeling like being in a relationship is not worth the work to find one, the effort to keep it good, the energy to trust, and the blow of pain if things go wrong again. At the same time the need for companionship is overwhelming. I have to have it, I feel empty without.



I have managed to dwindle down my list of friends to only a handful. At first this seemed like triumph. There were many energy vampires who took to calling themselves my friends. They either were untrustworthy, worthless when I needed someone, lost in their own depression and self destructive lifestyles ect ect. Now on top of all this what good friends I do have left have either moved farther away or have gotten caught up in their own group of friends they hang with more often. Then I moved and am slightly farther away rendering my place usually "not worth the drive".



I've recently lost my ambition. I dont know what I want to do anymore. I feel bored with life and feel less motivated to do some of the things I once was. Now all this has become full on in my face just now due to the fact I have fallen into this little depressive episode. I have kind of been getting better and am striving to crawl out of this episode as it is crippling me.

I understand what your going through. But you can't keep looking at life this way. That is the one Achilles Heel that you acquire when becoming depressed. If you continue to view life in this manner it will not only continue, but become more difficult to overcome. It can be as easy as FORCING yourself to do something that causes you to enjoy life more, or as difficult as changing everything in your life. Finding the ability to trust a female in a relationship will most likely come naturally if you find one and fall in love. Love is blind which can be used to your benefit to learn a new way to be.

One thing I like to think is, when people say "just dont be depressed" or "Just get over it" what they really are saying (even if they dont know it) is stop DWELLING. That is the main feeding tube that is depression. You find yourself thinking about that which causes you to feel suffering. Filling its belly all the while. You must find distractions from this, especially ones that put a smile on your face. Those are your best friends.

I feel for you man. This sucks big time. Time heals but only if you PUT yourself into the correct mindset.

SKA, and anrchy -
Thank you so much for sharing this with the forum. I know it can be very difficult to put oneself out there in such a significant way, particularly when one is in a state of long-term emotional distress. I am so very sorry to hear about the situations that you wonderful souls have found yourself in. I truly hope that you both find a way to work through this all. I can say that I have experienced almost everything that has been described above, though perhaps not to the same extent, and I can absolutely empathize with both of you.

Are you currently involved with any psychological counseling? I have found counseling to be a tremendous help for me in my life, though it did take many years before I was able to find a counselor that could help me.

What substances do you currently use, if any at all (including pharmaceuticals)? How much and how frequently? Have you found entheogens to have any effect on your mindset, be it positive or negative?

Obviously I can't give any official medical advice or anything along those lines, but I may be able to at least share my experiences and perhaps suggest some things that have been beneficial to me. Again, thank you both for sharing. If there is anything I can do to help either of you, please do not hesitate to ask. I hate to see such beautiful souls in such difficult situations.

Best wishes

Sorry to read you guys are in a dark phase.For people stuck in a rut or have what I call situational depression I highly recommend travelling. It will restore your faith in people and give you an inner strength that being dependent on your instincts and resourcefulness brings.
Your latent positive characteristics will surface that will reveal who you really are and by trusting your instincts you will find your place on the planet or at least get a good idea of what environment you are best suited too. This in turn will give you an inner peace and direction in life. Consquently other people with a similar positive mindset will resonate with this which could open the door for a variety of mutually beneficial friendships and relationships. Like does indeed attract like.
Distance yourself from negative influences it's better to have one or two good friends that you rarely see than many destructive shallow 'friendships' that just compound your depression.
Its true that for others to love and trust you you have to love and trust yourself first.
Imagine a peaceful future and take steps to realise this the first steps are the most important however small they may be.
Also think whether it's time to quit the psycedelics for a while and focus your energy outwards rather than inwards?

I just want to say I empathize with SKA and understand the struggle. I don't want to hijack the thread as its not about me.

Personally I am trying to use this situation as a learning experience. I see how certain experiences can effect me and realize how fragile I can be sometimes. Love is a strange one and loneliness can be hard to handle. I suggest anyone going through this type of mental state to take a step back and become aware that it is just cause and effect. This can be reversed by doing healthy things and constant thoughts of love for yourself.

I am currently using no drugs, be it pharmaceutical or any other.

Ska feel free to PM me if there's anything you feel like unloading that you feel can't be said here.

I don't want to talk about myself here except to say that I believe I've more or less made this life/happiness thing work pretty well despite being socially awkward, hateful of society, disappointed in the entire species, etc... Along with having a great many potential personal handicaps that I could have let keep me down. All I'm saying is that it's possible, so don't give up. My advice:

> put the greatest energy into the things you do best (you may even earn a living this way if you are creatively inspired)
> remember that rewards are proportional to risks taken. I just don't think there's a way around that. But that's ok because:
> don't regret, period. Regret is nothing but a hole in your balloon. Let it go, move on.

As far as your love life goes, keep in mind that love isn't something you'll run out of as long as you keep your heart open. If you find yourself wasting it on someone undeserving, move on quickly. Just don't look back when it's time to move on. Let the past be the past- picture a rotting compost heap, fertilizing a fresh new present (I know that sounds cheezy but...)

Try not to fall into a holding pattern. Those get harder and harder to get out of as time goes by. You posted your problems here, you are obviously looking for a nudge out of that holding pattern. So what the hell, why not?

I think that Guyomech proffers sage advice. Regret is like driving a car and always looking in the rear view mirror, you end up not taking the right route in life. Also with trust, sometimes you get burnt but you have to take the risk in order to profit. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Everyone get"s f77ked over at one time or other and it is not usually down to the other person being inherently untrustworthy but a combination of insecurities that generally contribute to the breakdown of communication and trust. We are not perfect and we all have been carved from the events in our lives.




Being on welfare for a long time is very depressing but you do not necessarily have to be accepted to go into college.There is a plethora of free courses online. There must be something out there for you. I have a few friends who are good artists. Some who make a very good living at it. More than half of them are self taught.


Why were these people your friends in the first place? Is it you who has changed? Or them?




I do not mean to be offensive in saying this but maybe you should be a little less judgemental about boundaryless drug abuse and uncreative minds. It comes across as you saying that everyone else is an arsehole apart from yourself. This is very self defeating. I am sure that you are a dickhead at times (i know that i am). Once you accept humanity for what it is, warts an all, life becomes more fulfilling. I would even go as far as saying that if everyone was perfect that i would probably have to shoot myself.

Hug's last paragraph. Life, people, love, all of it- flawed, messy, imperfect in countless ways. You acknowledge that this includes you, and you find your happiness within that.

I have been considering taking all sorts of courses. But I was doubting between these courses and an actual study. Guess it'll be a series of courses then. Thanks for reminding me


My answer to your question why I would hang out with junkies & blockheads would be:
Neither of us have really changed. To be honoust I allwas felt uncomfortable and ill at ease around them. I have allways prefered to hang out with more responsible, more creative & playfull people, but haven't because I've found these people to be ever so scarce.

The reason I hung out with junkies & blockheads was loneliness. I settled for less, because the people I truely long to be with are far too rare and scattered. Loneliness on the long term can make you drop your standards of "friends". It corrupts it.
But after hanging out for years with these junkies & blockheads has made me more and more intolerant of them.

Not too long ago I had a marvelous LSD trip with a group of these junkie & blockhead people.
I actually opened up to them and suspended my judgement. But soon thereafter things got bitter again, as was to be expected, and my judgements came back with a vengeance.

I just cannot stand their shallowness, their deceptiveness and their shameless & loveless self-destruction. Allthough I cannot understand them very well, I care more for their wellbeing than they do themselves. It just makes me die a little inside when I see them take yet another line of Keta, MXE or amphetamine.

Also, allthough on the surface acting kind and friendly, below the surface there is ALOT of hatred for eachother. A group of frienemies. The level of kindness & empathy I expect from others is just too much too ask from these loveless, bitter people.
These people seem as depressed and as disappointed in the world as I am, but where I am trying to find my way back to sweetness they are actively trying and succeeding to stay bitter. Our paths converge so I feel disharmonious about spending any more time with them.


I have 1 friend that DOES have the kindness & empathy I expect of people. I wish it was easier to find more of such people, but alas it is infinitely more common for me to encounter more blockheads & junkies when getting to know new people.







Here's a little epiphany I had about judgement:
While it is becomming ever more populair to think of judgement as
an egoic trait and therefor by proxy as wrong, I reject this belief ever more fiercely.
I have to make judgements in order to survive this world. Can I cross the road now or will I then get hit by that oncomming car? Can I eat this safely or will eating it poison me? Can I trust this person or would that harm me? Should I associate with these people or would that harm me?

It is not to bash them in a vengefull rant, it is me deciding wether associating with these junkie & blockhead people would be good or bad for my mental health. There's nothing wrong with such judgement. In fact it was lack of such judgement that allowed me to hang out with these people and be psychologically harmed/negatively influenced by them. This isn't about attacking them. This is about protecting me.

If certain people make you uncomfortable you don"t hang out with them. Being lonely is preferable to having your faith in human nature tested by the people you choose to hang about with.

These people maybe frienemies but what does that make you? Did you tell the people that you hang with, because you cannot find better people, that you think that they are shallow, deceptive and shameless? Or are you just as deceptive? Did you tell them how shallow they are for losing themselves in their drug of choice and how much more profound you are because you use entheogens? Did you tell them that you prefer to hang with creative, responsible people?

I think that making a judgement call about whether to cross the road is far less complicated than judging the character of another human being that has an abusive relationship with drugs.

Please do not think that i too am in judgement of you Ska. I understand why you take such views on certain people but you do appear to be bitter about the personal relationships that you have entered into. I am just trying to give a counter argument and i want you to be a happy human being and i think that you would be better off by not dwelling so much on how crap everyone else is.

Yes. Actually I did tell them that. Allthough I used respect in communicating my disagreement with their lifestyle, I made no effort avoiding this sore spot. Because that's how I am: Honoust. And I expect the same honousty back. I am very much in agreement with this Russian proverb: "Better to be slapped by the Truth than to be kissed by a Lie."
They're "mates" I got to know better only recently and I know they'll never become friends.
I don't even want them as mates either.

Although I wouldn't say I "am more profound" for using only entheogens, my use of drugs vs. their use of drugs certainly makes me a much more responsible, caring & intelligent human being. I worry about long term harm, inform myself on the risks of certain drugs and avoid overy harmfull or addictive drugs. They don't. They either seem to think their bodies & minds are indestructable or they don't care about destroying it. To me their lifestyle doesn't exactly testify of responsibility, care & intelligence.

Would you say I am wrong to think of myself as significantly more responsible, caring and intelligent than them?

Maybe, but does it matter? To each their own, right? Even when it's self-destructive and insane. I agree with hug, distance yourself from that which you don't resonate with. I can relate to this because that's what I do.

Do you like to exercise or do martial arts or any other type of sport? This could be a way to find like-minded people that you can hang out with and do something healthy with. It doesn't need to be about drugs.

As far as judging goes there are two sides to it. Judgement of value, and judgement of situation. There is nothing inherently wrong with judging a situation in order to asses and understand. When you place a judgement on someone as far as there worth goes that can be negative or positive. You can judge someone in a way to say they are a good person. In your situation you are just judging the input you are receiving to come to an understanding. Thus is something everyone does everyday. You have to weigh your options, why/how you make choices etc. I don't see the point of judging your judgement. You need to know how you feel about your interactions with your environment.

Energy flows where attention goes.

This has been by far the most important saying in my life. If you wish to attract different people you have to put out that energy. Someone who is happy and mostly content or goal driven will be put off by someone who is in a negative mindset. You will act how you feel.

I also think that by removing yourself from those that influence more negative energy into you, will give you room to better your mindset and open up more possibilities to meeting people that share the positive energy with those around them.

It is almost impossible to acquire good true positive friends when you are frequently around negative nancies.

Today I have a different mindset. Today I removed the selfish thoughts of what I think i need to be happy, and instead have decided to exercise positive energy. I know from first hand experience if you are unhappy, the people you want to stay near your side will become exhausted combating the energy you are putting on them. Eventually pushing then away. Same thing you are dealing with as far as the energy vampires in your circle are doing to you.

What? You managed to repsectfully tell your mates that they are shallow, deceptive, shameless, loveless, junky blockheads and that you are only hanging with them because you are settling for less? Forget art college, you should enter the diplomatic service.



That is very difficult for me to say as i have never met your mates and i only have your point of view to go on. The point of view of someone who describes vegetarians as insufferable, self absorbed, disempathic, hypocrites.
This is not to say that your priceless rants about various groups are not without merit. They always give me a chuckle and help to brighten my day.

I think your epiphany about judgement is spot on, and stepping in a good direction.

Mas vale solo que mal acompanado. It has little to do with social interaction. You have to understand and make clear to yourself that all of the horrible thoughts and intensely negative emotions experienced in a state of depression and which can defy all logical explanation are growing from needs physiological as much as psychological that you are not meeting. And your task is to familiarize, observe, focus and anchor awareness over these needs. You are to pinpoint where the discomfort is coming from and absolve yourself of it's roots. You are in control, and there is no reason why you can't begin exercising more control over your personal habits. Excuses are unacceptable, and lies not predictable. Think outside your comfort zone. Pick up the pace. Punch a few holes in the wall. Listen to music that gives you goosebumps, and to memories which send ripples of revulsion and intolerance down your spine. Remember your anger. It is an affirmative of your well-being and the real problems begin when we start ignoring it. Love thyself above all, for it is better to be slapped.

I think that anger is necessary in some cases and it is good to remember why you were angry. In the case of personal relationships that may have caused anger , it is good to remember and re-assess any role that one might possibly have played in the negative aspects of such relationships. In my experience it is never 100% the fault of one party. I worry for Ska if he thinks 9 out of 10 (and possibly all) women that he comes into contact with are disloyal to their lovers. His resentment (which maybe justified) will prevent him from going forward and taking chances on people.

This idea of living happily ever after in a perfect relationship where nothing goes wrong is flawed, the stuff of fairy tales. Advertising, hollywood tat and television help to accentuate this myth and contribute to a general feeling of discontent in society. We need to set ourselves free and revel in our dysunctionality and the dysfuntionality of others..

Whahaha normally I am not at all diplomatic, in fact quite the contrary I'm quite blunt and mercilessly honoust most of the time. It was the acid that removed alot of fear & anguish that allowed me to tell these people "I wasn't pleased with their use of Ketamine & Amphetamine and that I normally don't allow it in my house, but that tonight was an exception"

Acid temporarily made me quite diplomatic and more tolerant


Also what I failed to mention before: They expressed some beliefs in extremely far fetched conspiracy theories and expressed racist, hatefull beliefs in doing so. I cringe at the slightest notion of racism. It is of course a sum of things and their drug abuse defenitely turns me off, but nothing puts me off as much as this Self assigned state of paranoya & hatred they choose to live in. It is a moral crime and a failure of the rational mind to judge people on their racial background, or, really, on anything other than their character & behaviour and I treat people who do judge others on racial background like they have a psychological equivalent of the bubonic plague.


I realise more and more I need to go out, socialise and get to know new people.
Also I need to get to know some people I know only superficially better.
I made a good start by phoning an old mate yesterday and agreeing to jam alot together the comming summer(Percussion) and maybe start a band or musical project.

It's also good to stay in touch with your emotions. i.e. Not necessarily always to express them, but to recognize that negative emotions are healthy.

It's always seemed to me that depression coincides consistently with repressing natural, healthy reactions to bad or stressful circumstances. SKA's markedly strong outlook and balanced self-council is what urged me to put that. It's something many do not have. It can take an extraordinary amount of needless confusion to see that the symptoms themselves are of little import when one considers from where they could be stemming. I also have ADD, and find anger gets quickly sublimated by simple necessity. And that nevertheless staying in touch with negative emotions has been key to maintaining an open head space, and the manageability of whatever needs addressing.

And it is also good to see for yourself that not everyone has your strength and your heart and your intelligence and your wisdom. These things are dignified and will put you above them, and above yourself in a way not so easily allowable or understandable, initially.

Unleash creativity!

Thanks all, for the many replies and advices!

Now that I am psychologically somewhat more stable I have a more clear vision of what exactly my people-problem is.
I've been hurt, deceived, lied to by (people who I thought were)friends & lovers alot. My trust has been broken.
I wish this was an irrational fear, but alas it's a very rational fear. And it has grown into full-blown paranoya.

I cannot seem to find a balance: Either I trust people so much I'm naive & become a target for manipulative abusive people, or I don't trust anyone at all.

Now that I've been hurt so deeply while living in this trustfull naivety I have become extremely distrustfull, sceptic & paranoid of people. And I seem locked into this state. I want to open up to people again. Or at least to the idea that there ARE nice, honoust, trustworthy people out there. But my heart refuses: It seems to have a mind of it's own and it is not about to let anyone too near. This leads to lonelyness and isolation.

I really don't want to open up the gates to similair people as those who have done me great harm, but I don't want the gates to be rusted shut, like they are now, either. So what do I do? How to find a balance between trust & scepticism of people?

I'm not entirely sure what kind of answer you are hoping to hear, but all I can really think to suggest is this: give people a chance to earn your trust, whilst still being wary of those who don't deserve it. Be cautious of those who might break your trust, but not to the point that you are obsessing over it. Try to remain open to the possibility that most people are in fact loyal and trustworthy.