Hello again Nexus, it's been a while

I haven't experienced DMT for a little over 2 and a half years now (a lot of my previous trips have been posted on here). I have had a wide variety of trips, though I feel as though I only broke through once. Many of these trips were beautiful and enlightening and many of them left me with this INTENSE feeling of guilt, all of them consisting of parental entities (I experience my mom and dad's voices) scolding me for smoking it and seeing more of reality. It felt as if I fucked up my entire existence (not just this life) to the infinite degree by doing so.

I recently ran into a guy who had some, along with "ayahuasca leaves" (shredded brown bark like leaves that apparently contain MAOI inhibitors) that he never told me the name of. I was skeptical at first because of my last bad trip on acid but I had recently gotten my life a little better situated. I graduated college last May and got my first real job living on my own last June and have been fairly happy with my life. So I thought I was in a good place to visit hyperspace again.

Last Thursday I tried it out of my friends vapor pen and I didn't break through but I came into contact with a motherly entity. As soon as I started feeling her presence I felt like I was in some sort of trouble (the guilt) and I asked her if I was ok. I felt a response from her as though she knew my entire past present and future all at the same time and she said, "yea you will be ok just do me one favor and stop smoking ciggs" (this wasnt verbal of course and I do not smoke them habitually just socially). I vowed at that moment that I would not pick up another cigg again and I haven't done so since.

That trip ended well and I had this feeling of renewal and positive outlook the rest of the day.

Today I decided to give it another try since Thursday's trip reassured me that I was going to be ok from smoking it, packed about 30mgs into my VG on top of the "ayahuasca leaves" and took a good sized hit. My vision went blurry and I could tell I wasn't going to break though, but my thoughts were RACING. I again felt as though I was touching forbidden fruit and this time I felt a fatherly figures presence telling me "you don't need to be doing this stuff". The trip lasted about 2 minutes and left me feeling anxious and guilty wondering why I acquired so much of it if almost every time I smoke the stuff I am scolded by my mind instantly.

I am just wondering if any of you have also had similar guilt trips?(no pun intended). As though you are looking at something that you should not be seeing and there will be consequences in the afterlife for already peering into it? I get these kinds of anxious trips a lot and it bothers me because I have also had mind blowing medicine for the soul kinds of trips. I'm beginning to wonder if the guilt is just because I haven't dosed high enough and it makes it harder to let go, kinda like a pre-programmed breakthrough safeguard but I could just be making excuses for myself to do it again. But what are you guy's thoughts on this? Have any of you conquered this feeling of guilt? I would also like to ask if any of you know what the so called "Ayahuasca leaves that have MAIO inhibtors in them" are that I am mixing my spice with? They are shredded brown, bark like leaves that are broken up in a texture similar to fish food.

I can empathize with feelings of guilt, even if I have been pretty forward about my lifestyle all my life. But I reached a point where I needed my daily life to be close enough to my psychedelic interests that people wouldn't judge if they hear, or discover in some other way, details of such interests. I believe in living a truthful life. If I am to go down this road, I believe the best approach is to be behaviorally conservative, but verbally outspoken at appropriate times. That way family and friends can begin to understand where you're coming from, and have a better sense of your life direction. An easy fallback for me is to begin with abstracts of peer reviewed science. If you can talk about the positive aspects all day long, and you take smart precautions on the behavior side, what is there to be afraid of? Just leave out details that would make people shudder and not understand. We live in an interesting era with the very peculiar swaying of public opinion on gay marriage and pot smoking, that psychedelic use is only a few elections cycles away from acceptance again also.

It's a good time to be a psychedelic frontiersman.

Thanks for sharing!

DMT isn't for everyone, and if you feel as though the spice is telling you not to do it, it may be best to listen.

There have been a few times on The Nexus where people have continued exploring Hyperspace despite signs that it wasn't good for them, and the results can be nasty. One person ended up having something of a nervous breakdown and hasn't been heard from since.

Blessings
~ND

I experience something similar on occasion: on the comedown of a DMT journey, my eyes will wander over to the tattoo on my wrist and I'll get this intense feeling of guilt and remorse, with a very juvenile "my mother is going to kill me" vibe going on. My parents were pretty pissed when I first got the tattoo, but that was years ago; furthermore, I don't necessarily regret the tattoo itself or dislike it. The weird vibes I get are strictly from a sense of being afraid of my parents being angry. It's been so intense at some points that I want to climb up onto my chair, turn my computer on, and Google "laser tattoo removal," but usually by the time it boots up, I'm completely back to baseline and the guilt disappears.

But at the same time, my parents would also be pissed if they knew what DMT was and that I enjoy it very much - they're very old school and still have the "reefer madness" mindset, thinking that Marijuana and Heroin are basically the same thing. However, I've never felt any sort of guilt about disappointing them in this way, tripping or otherwise. It's mainly just the tattoo thing that drives me up a wall.

Also, Nathaniel.Dread, what are the signs that you're speaking of?

I could be wrong, but my first impression after reading OPs and Akasha224's post was two words: adopted guilt.

This is not your inner self or the DMT nor some entity who speaks through you, but your parants.

Btw. i have a tattoo my parents don't approve and they definatly don't like my lifestyle regarding psychoactive plants.

I have felt this kind of guilt a couple of times while on cannabis, acid, shrooms and Aya, and now my usual reaction is to push it away or fight it.

At one time on shrooms/harmala i encountered a feeling so specific in its qualities of guilt and sin, that it felt like a christian mindset invading me.
It felt wrong and alien, and i didn't like one second of it so i used mapacho and breathing exercises and some banishing rituals to throw it out.

Examine carefully who is speaking, in the end you have the last word.

But be careful i could be wrong and you'll get hyperslapped .

Hope i'm not going to sound arrogant,

I have had the same issues. Quite a Deja vu for me. I've been told to quit smoking cigarettes numerous times. Well. Did you?

I did.

And I have improved my relationship with DMT since then tremendously.

DMT has a different agenda than you do. I don't know how else to formulate it. Ur ego wants a break-through but what DMT wants is to break your ego. Because that is probably the only way in which you (ur ego) is able to break-through in the first place! And really. The ego needs to be broken apart in order to build a stronger sense of self.

I think everyone here is right. Whatever said here makes sense to me one way or another. OP and Ryu you are giving me Deja vu. I get a fatherly entity and a motherly entity along with some lesser entities. These father and mother figures are basically look-alikes with different colours. One is blue and agressive. The other is orange and sweet. The mother expressed love. The father expresses anger. I would like to remember love from this fatherly entity and am wiling to work hard to achieve it. But, listen to your mother and quit smoking. Ur father loves ur mom and he will see that you have changed once you quit smoking.

Now my fatherly masculine persona starts to take control and i feel like scolding you once more my child. Intergrate. You have no idea how ridiculous you sound when you mentioned thinking this guilt is a sign that you need to do higher doses. Hahahaha. The guilt is a feeling that you need to intergrate and transform. That is what your trip is obviously telling you. "You don't need to do dmt to do that". That is what the fatherly entity is telling you.

I've had similar feelings of adopted guilt. My parents are cool but society at large tends to look down on drug use and clump DMT in with heroin. To me this is like judging all movies based on human centipede, which really isn't fair.

I still struggle with some of this but it helps that I have the support of my family. People are going to judge. That's part of life.