First off, I apologize for posting and deleting a thread. I'm experiencing some serious brain fog due to the previously mentioned PAWS and the fact that the circumstance of my life at this point is pretty dire. But this is maybe more what I wanted to say. Thank you for reading this wall of text.
If anyone here knows me, they know my life has been a struggle to say the least. It has been marked by tragedy crisis and loss. I understand though that nothing has ever happened to me, that everything I work is just that,a manifestation of some aspect of my consciousness. I don't know why my karma is so hard to work out, but it is.
I have been a horrible human being in the past, and even now, I'm not so great. I've done things repeatedly, that served to satisfy my need to end some pain or another.

It is through tears that I write this. There are things I've run from long enough. I see now that I must face that which has chased me with ravenous relentless. My trauma and grief must be gone through now. I'm ready to face my killer.

When I was 18, I was held captive in my own apartment by a burglar I walked in on for three hours, Beaten repeatedly, at one point a shotgun put in my mouth jammed when he piled the trigger and he then knocked me out and left me hogtied with electric wire in the bathtub that with some superhuman feat of survival strength, I broke and got free. My apartment has burglar bars and double keyed deadbolts-safety features that almost sealed my death.
I've thought I has dealt with this- I "forgave" the son of a bitch, but not even close.

It caused me to run from my hometown to the woods of Oregon, which I consider my home now. But everything has been tainted with the memory. It helped create a 25 year long addiction too heroin. The paths carved into my mind from this, and all the things I've done to escape it have createda life I'm increasingly finding intolerable.

I've been a herron addict. I'm clean now, three months off methadone, but the past is destroying my present. Potential employers find my old mugshots in a simple Google search, for example. I don't have connections in thus town to help. Social services are tapped, especially for a 44 year old guy. In trying, but my best efforts aren't good enough, and I think I know why.

I've never dealt with what made me run. I would like some advice. I believe in the power of psychs with all my being. They are sacred substances that communicate healing on a deep level, they connect us with the divine. I want to access this healing, to save my life and release the potential that has always eluded me. It is time. I need help, I reach out to the community the has helped me in the past, particularly to the healers here. Are there any resources in the healing community that work with people like me, who have no money, but are in desperate need?

I have been in the medical world, the psych doctors and their meds-anti psychotics to help one sleep and so forth, the drug treatment works too, and I'm as amazed I survived that s loo am my addiction, please.

I love you people.

They can take everything from you, but they can't take music.
Right now, thank you, Nick Cave & your Bad Seeds.

do you have any felonies on your record? I might know of a job but you would need to commute and I dont know where you are exactly.

I am really glad you've come to realize this. The first step to solving a problem... you know where I'm going.

Self-therapy on psychs hasn't worked for you?
MDMA seems great in treating this kind of trauma by melting cages of negative emotion, but unless you can find someone experienced (not in MDMA, but guiding) who'd guide you through it, I'm not sure I'd recommend it.
(That is, I'm all for DIY, but I'm not suggesting it because I don't know anything of your reactions to psychs. I, for one, tend to lack focus on my own. Also, if you ever decide to do so, make sure to get it tested, not just for MDMA but for adulterants, speed is hardly going to take you deeply into a more trusting part of your psyche.)

Good luck on your quest,
you can do it.

Love from The Chairman

Thank you so much for your answers, I don't have any local people in the psych community, you guys are all loo have.

anrchy, no felonies, and in Portland, use public transportation, but may be able to work something out with a friends vehicle.

Chairman: the work I've done on myself is as far as I can go by myself. All of my work with spice has been alone, except a couple times I tried to turn my s.o. on. Despite my whining, I have an incredible store of inner strength, it's what keeps me going day to day. If a trip isn't difficult in some aspect often it feels like I didn't earn anything.

The experiences I've had with spice and 5meo got me to where I am, have me the strength and insight to be opiate free. That was very helpful. But I've said it before, it has been this community that has helped me integrate. Without, I prolly would have lost my mind. Spontaneous kundalini awakenings can be dangerous, and from the literature I've read, that's what happened.

It healed a good chunk of my soul, I literally vomited a ton of black karma in the form of a serpent made of smoke, but the tail is still in me, so to speak.

I know that I have to face the trauma, walk through the event, but I'm scared to do it alone. In fact it's so close to the surface now, in scared to trip alone period.

I've been calling the crisis line here and all they can offer is to have police come "talk to me". Of you've read any of the news articles regarding Portland police and their treatment off the mentally ill, you'd understand my reticence.

I just feel stuck on this mire. I didn't expect life to change when I got off, but I expected...something.
I'm trying so hard to hold onto school, it's all i have, I haven't even written in months. I need to heal this before it consumes me. I'm tired of crying. Thank you for your replies.

Wish I had airfare to Iquitos,lol.

woo hook this brosef up!

I have just read through this relatively old thread and have found myself moved by your story, Null24.

I was just wondering how you were getting on and whether you are further down the path of healing?

Best wishes,

- Emu

Very brave of you to share your story here. Very insightfull for us too. Thank you for laying your heart bare.


I too reckon that MDMA can help you, but being in the situation you are in, it may be tricky to do this on your own accord. I happen to know from experience that MDMA can be quite psychologically addicted to people experiencing long term depression and anxiety issues: Same goes for alcohol.

If you wish to employ MDMA to remove barriers and dig into the roots of your problems I suggest you do so under the guidance of a professional: A Psychiatrist/Therapist. I remember MAPS( Multi-disciplinairy Association for Psychedelic Studies) regulairly has experimental therapuetic sessions with psychedelics, and also with MDMA, to help remove PTSD problems. You're clearly suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome; You had alot of stress to deal with and it caused long term psychological trauma. So you may apply to such a therapy session by MAPS.


Psychedelics may require guidance of a grounded, trusted person too. Unless you're familiar with them and know you can guide yourself through the experience for it to be safe, responsible and fruitfull in healing/further diagnosing your ills.

It surprised me to see this old thread revived. Thank you, I'm touched by your responses. This is a place I come to re-affirm my my faith in humanity, which is a great term, because it's often something I must assume exists on faith alone. I truly wish I could say that there has been vast improvements in my life, and I wish even more that I could say that the fault lay somewhere outside myself. Like I stated in the op, I know that nothing has ever "happened" to me, all my circumstances are direct responses to some action, some decision I've made. Being caught in a downward spiral is like being caught in a whirlpool, it takes monumental effort to escape and at a time when honestly, I feel like giving up-were that am option.

I need to edit my op for clarity, I guess I kinda list it at the end and didn't see, even upon re reading the confounding errors there. I wanted to establish the point that I've tried many traditional routes in seeking help, and on numerous occasions. They have all failed me, or vice versa. I am not entirely ignorant and do know that there is no 'lightning bolt' cure, but the options that have been presented to me all pretty much are either solely or.are necessarily accompanied by a pharmacological component I cannot tolerate. SSRIs, mood stabilizers, even anti-psychotics.have been prescribed to me, with no success and horrible, even dangerous side effects. A drug that literally sends me into an inexplicable rage and CREATES suicidal ideation, or one that makes it impossible to function due to ours sedative qualities are fine with the medical establishment. Ones that offer true emotional and spiritual healing ate not. That is the crime.

When some 5meo-dmt landed in my lap serendipitously, it was a cosmic invitation to be able to feel the mind of the creator, to apprehend a level of knowledge that I had been seeking my whole life. That 12 minute trip, which I have related here many times, is the singular most life changing and powerful experience of my life. Among many other things, it removed the possibility of suicide in my life. Truth be told, I don't think I'd be here now had I not received the information I was given in the void, and I'm grateful for that.

Suicide is one of the most horrible, selfish, hateful things anyone can do-not to themselves, but to the survivors. It is also a ghost that haunts my life..

Ehh, I'm going on longer than I intended, rather than make a long list of the painful events that have unfolded over the lay few months, I want to bring up psychedelic healing, and how to access it. This, and a couple other sites, are the only communities I belong to. I wish that was not the case and we lived in world where one could explore the avenues of personal healing that are folded up within these substances. I've had some great success with them, before I ran out, I was using micro-doses of wild harvested psilocybe cyanescens as an anti depressant to m great effect. I also work alot with smoked DMT, and have had some success with it as well. However, DMT is more of a spiritual thing for me, it's given me a far greater understanding of cosmic things than it has personal. I would very much like to endure a full-blown aya journey, but have no guide. That's where the community comes in. I know they are here, I'm sure there are even other Nexians live in my city, but i don't know where they are. While the traditional routes have failed me, psychs have shown promise that I would love to explore more. I have an illness, which is more often terminal than not (75% of depressed and addicted people die of related causes),but the options toward healing it are very slim. I know that I could go to Peru for a retreat, and I'd give my right arm to be able to do so, but that is an impossibility too. I've been forced outside because I can't find steady work, and it would cost about the same to get there as it would to get into am apartment-more than I can put together.

It is tragic that we cannot access these wonderful aids to full health, mental and spiritual and even physical without having to go to far flung locales. We must go underground into secret places and know the secret handshake when these things should be accessible to all. Free even.

Again, thank you guys for responding, it does touch my heart even though we are strangers who will never see each other face to face. You give me hope. I wish that the op had something to do with bravery, it had far more to do with fear and anxiety over the tomorrow looming beyond the horizon.

PS: as far as MAPS goes,.so far, I have not met all the criteria to be a part of any study, at least that I've seen. I cunt know how realistically possible participating in one is, but out is something to hold out hope for. .Especially an aya, or ibogaine study, but psilocybin,mdma, or LSD would be a great thing, and something I'd be proud to be a part of.

Thank you again. I love you all.