From a very young age I saw the world in a very unconventional way. I don't ever recall being innocent in the way most children are. I guess that you could say that I was precocious. Perhaps I learned something in a previous life experience that carried over into this life, or perhaps the universe was "just right" at the time of my birth and I was blessed with a different sort of sense of the world... either way, the point is that I have never been able to escape this part of my nature that so affects the way I perceive the world. For a long time I didn't understand why I was the way I was - and am. As a consequence of this failure to understand myself, I subjected myself to self-destructive and nihilistic patterns of behavior, experienced existential crises, and sought answers in the most ridiculous ways. However, my journey through "troubling" times was not in vain as it has brought me to where I am today, and I have grown enough as a person and as a spiritual being to make sense of my own nature. I have learned to listen to my intuition. I have learned that trying to apply conventional and ordinary notions to a reality that is anything but in an effort to make sense of it is an exercise in futility. I have learned that there are no absolutes and that every idea for ANYTHING is ultimately an arbitrary abstraction from the totality of existence. Spinoza had it right when he said that "God is synonymous with the totality of existence." I cannot live a meaningful and "deeper" life unless I experience reality without the messiness of discursive intellectual thought. I require the boundless and formless EXPERIENCE which is my soul and the universe (same difference?) at its core...

...oh, but here I am... trying again to put things into words... and unless you know what I'm talking about (well, maybe "know" is the wrong word... perhaps "feel" words will only confuse. I've never been gifted at trying to teach or explain, but that's okay. I have a feeling that there are some of you out there who have been there...

peace.

Hi InsouciantOne,

Your post, your words, resonate very deeply with me. I have learned the hard way about the loss of innocence and not being able to relate my life(and past life) to others that are polarized to the mundane world. Some healing words that were given to me. Almost all babies arrive in this world with 360 spherical degrees of pure potential. Innocence is often taken from us at a very young age. Most often by the people that are supposed to protect our innocence. When this happens we are left trying to understand on where things went wrong.

Could it be more correct to say that you tried to understand yourself from other peoples point of view were were never accepting or permitting you to understand your existence from your own point of view. This strive to understand life within the limitations of others created of self-destructive pattern in my life.

I do "feel" you. And, you are gifted in expression but don't expect everyone from the mundane to appreciate it the way you would like or need.

Thanks for the post