cubeananda: WOW! just amazing! first of all, thank you so much for that post and the time you took to make it. a lot of what you posted resonated with me a great deal, both in how i feel and as totally new information. Internal alchemy! I love it! i have so many thoughts from your post and i'm going to try and relate them to you. bear with me as it may be disjointed and jumpy as i try and collect, put into word what i thought in response. this may be long
![Smile](/forum/images/emoticons/smile.png)
but such a reply is deserving. amazing how long it takes to type out concepts that happened in the flash of a moment!
i want to be clear this is all what i thought as reading your post. not just adding to the thread. i'll save that for subsequent posts in this thread.
EDIT:
AlbertKLloyd wrote:Batfly, what are your thoughts on the topic? as opposed to wiki quotes.
this can also be answered with this post, not fully, but a lot. thanks for asking with interest.
ok...
ever since a teen i would focus and change things in myself i deemed unnecessary or i didn't like. an example was embarrassment. i killed that one while in high school and it unleashed my whit and humor. not caring what others think of me is also one of those, which a lack of embarrassment does not negate. i feel, after your post, that i indeed identify with your, previously new to me, term of internal alchemy.
i am at a point in my life where i've noticed being dishonest is the worst thing one can do to others and especially themselves. not acknowledging a doubt about a person, place, or thing would fall under lying to oneself and to the person you are doubting. i'm fresh out of a very abusive marriage to a very very old friend. i was in love with her for about a decade unbeknownst to her. then things just perfectly started to fall into place. However, not completely genuinely. At the time, i now know, i was trying to be something i wasn't stemming from not wanting to have another failed relationships. i was still also healing from my first divorce, which also helped in distancing myself from me. i thought i was trying to figure out how to be a man (grow up) and be appealing to the object of my decade long affection, ie: keep her. ie: changing myself before she'd find out that my interests where things she would find childish/results from probing her as i do everything (EVERYTHING). things changed though dramatically once in the relationship (even before marriage). how she treated her friends was a stark contrast to her lover(s). it actually got physically abusive bad, form her end only. but all kinds of abusive bad. false calls to the cops while i was sleeping abusive bad. such is the nature of bipolar women off their medication wagon and onto their alcoholic wagon. i digress...
that back story comes to now as i've been moved out for half a year and have decided months before that to never be someone i'm not! trying to change things you ENJOY about yourself, that was bad internal alchemy! i've never heard it put that way but makes so much sense. i hope these wrong changes i was trying to make (basically lies to myself making any further actions and statements lies to others) are an example of what you might have been alluding to with bad alchemy. i can also think of many other forms of bad internal alchemy involving a spiritual sense.
i was never really into religion or spirituality before ~2008. for a very long time i would have identified with atheist, as i was into science purely. that strangely has led me to a very spiritual path. i do have to say that a past with drugs and psychedelics had a major part as well. drugs were a bad part in that internal alchemy, but not psychedelics. i just wasn't ready to go as far in as i did (mushroom trip) in such a reckless fashion. lol, that was bad alchemy itself along with internal. what i learned though from all those experiences is also a validity i think towards the feeling that i was getting a glimpse of something, another place, or even a taste of death in a way.
before my the last wife, i was sharing trip stories with a buddy at work ( 2008 ), he introduced me to Castaneda's books and the spirit molecule. that all peaked something in me that felt like truths/validation when applied to my experiences and thoughts. although i'm always a bit leery but i also believe my own unfinished thoughts.
i'm also very artistic and i always seek out new media, tools, methods, techniques, for artwork including drawings, cg 2d, 3d, physical sculptures, servo robotics, halloween props and displays. it's all just for hobby. i can relate to your notion of new nodes at the heart as when i feel creative i just search out methods to accomplish my vision or goal. i apply this to what i want in life and now i'm starting to with what i want out of myself. i am very much into the notion that what you think you become or even manifest. for the last few years that very notion has been displayed before me to be true. to the point of meeting one of the authors of "the secret" years after thinking just after watching it, "if this is real i want to meet one of the people who wrote the book this is based on!" This was in an extremely skeptical mocking tone, yet with a very big hint of sincerity. that subject matter and question has stuck in my head and it happened, and because i noticed we had the same exact phone at a conference i was working
this, what you think you become, can work negatively as has been proven to me as well. in the example of my marriage before, i wanted someone for ten years, had to be someone different to be with her, and i got her. boy did i get her. boy did i think that was what i wanted and boy did i also get what was completely wrong for me by lying to myself to make it happen! it was the fear that led to a, "well, you are this far, and you thought you were in love with her for so long. you can't waist all that. you got what you wanted for so long. don't loose it this time. you might be too weird a person to find another anyway." i repeated and latched on to the wrong thoughts. i was loyal but to a person wrong for me by being someone i wasn't.
now i have a girlfriend who is amazing, smokes with me (mj only as i haven't tried spice yet)that the ex hated. she has been very very receptive to all my beliefs and who i am. it's new to her and she finds it fascinating. i'm not compromising my goofiness or deepness. my love for video games to art to musical tastes to interest in shamanism/mysticism/whateverism is all not compromised. not compromising who i am yet still thinking of what i want and going after it is all honest and resulting in a wonderful new life in so many ways! honesty, effort, positivity, openness, and just so much more is just all so true to me. i'm slowly realizing my hobbies are what i love and i feel i won't be 100% to myself if i can't find a way to live off my art. i have no time for it now. and when i do i have no money for supplies. my job has season even though it's full time. the politics of it also rubs me raw. so this will be in part. it's a big thing, and i'm realizing i need to just stop thinking it's impossible, that my art will always just be hobbies.
...U*()*&*@^%*(%@^*(&^&^%$%^EDFGHJGKJLFY*(^@()*&B^H(*COYHN)%(*O@R>>>>>?>.........
(that was me absorbing and making connections of more of the words you wrote while reading them)
and science, oh that jovial jester quantum physics, is just becoming so amazing and also fitting in with my psychedelic experiences, readings, interests, thoughts, and beliefs. amazing where my life is. how it is. and it's getting better. my gf feels the same as she started being positive, honest, and true to herself! we happened from it all, and it's crazy good. doubts are even recognized, communicated, squashed, and very often are transformed into a new discovery of some commonality we can then share. sometimes new to either of us, as in trying an interest of the other's.
this just all boils down to internal alchemy. thought is probably the most internal of all things right next to your pure self/energy/divine oneness/consciousness/whaterness. thoughts are probably used by your true self/god self as the bridge between energy and the universe aligning to manifest "reality". This is such a simple thing if you think of you, using yourself, since i believe everything and everyone is "god", as the tools for alchemy. internal alchemy using your thoughts, efforts, beliefs, honesty to make it work. 100% of everything can only result in 100%. if you live 100% how you want to, in the moment, reacting 100%, you get 100% of what you want. the universe knows no lies. therefore your lies can manifest. perhaps including illness. because you are focusing on them, thinking them, giving them attention, taking the place of positive thoughts, thoughts of what you want. as a former hypochondriac, among other many fears that actually did happen till i decided to change my fears, i believe this to be even more evidence of my beliefs. sometime i feel i can sense the puzzle pieces.
i just cracked my knuckles, rubbed my face, and said to my girlfriend, "wow, i'm just pouring my brain out here." i think you just helped me out with explaining things i never knew how to start before on this forum that i've been wanting to share.
i also just remembered, i first read "It becomes a new node at the pinnacle of your heart which is capable of both observing the objective qualities of things and of receiving divine influence" with I instead of It, to read...
"
I becomes a new node at the pinnacle of your heart which is capable of both observing the objective qualities of things and of receiving divine influence"
leading me to interpret that as, in my universe you are now in my life (on this forum that doesn't really exist) because of the nodes of my heart leading me here, to research what i did, and share it here, prompting your reply. that would make me a node as well in your heart to you!
then i re read it and thought it was a nice serendipity that still made sense.
* Everything I write is made up tripe: whispers of wind coming off the blades in my face for I am a fictional man with a floor fan for a brain pan.
Say something to my face, I have no choice, but to replace my reply, with your Darth Vader voice!