That's awesome

Though I swear on a good day I could jump on all that stuff, then on negative (most) days it's all pretty futile.

Damn man I wish I could afford plane tickets.

As a fellow shakey type I sometimes feel I've got all I need except someone to give me a nudge in my day to day life.

The problem with the condition is it encourages isolation. Wasn't as much of an issue when I was surrounded by people when I was younger. Now I'm older my life seems devoid of people who understand me and my issues go unspoken.

Just recently developed a crush on a girl at work and I'm fairly sure she likes me too, but because she always goes out in groups I'm finding the concept of getting to know her quite daunting. Keep making excuses to myself why its a bad idea so I don't try. Reality is in my day to day life I literally do nothing. Not socially anyways. That's probably what I need the most right now. I have better times when I'm out with other people but for some reason I always make excuses about why I can't go out.

Logic vs. Instinct.

That's what I've got it down to now. Instinct always acts quicker than logic. Change the instinct! Oh wait that's pretty tricky.

I swear the government should have a scheme to get people like me a social life. Meet girls, have a family, spend more cash and pay more taxes. Win win

i don't know whether i've mentioned this before yet the meditative/concentration techniques i've been talking about in many threads also help with social anxiety

stopping thought can stop any form of anxiety

Well, just because it shouldn't be, doesn't mean it isn't.

What stuck with me the most from this thread is : just not giving a shit .

although i know this stuff, not giving a shit seemed to be the factor that helped getting me up while i was down.
And mainly, demand respect from others.

I have to be careful not to go too far in this, but whenever i feel unaccepted i just get pissed until the situation is resolved. It seems to work out well. Anger rather than frustration. Resolvement rather than destruction. But never obey anything but your own heart. Accept my emotions.

And share with others. Being honest with another person shows you are ready to be honest with yourself. This i found helpfull. Hope i can keep working to get better at life. Now on to the next issues.

Did your friends say that you are boring to be around? Or did you make the assumption that quiet people are not interesting? When you say that there is a lack of substance and interaction what is going on inside of your head during these situations?
I think you should definitely hang out with your 19 year old neighbour. Girls make great comrades in arms for the self conscious.



The self medication route can work wonders for neuroses but can also develop into a crutch and then a noose.



Like a youth training scheme for introverts? If you are on the dole you get an extra tenner each week for attending. I think that you would have to catch em young. Anyone who is still a stay at home loner by the time they are 40 should give up and embrace their shoe gazing lifestyle with gusto. Surrendering to the fact that you are an imperfect person living in an imperfect world, and that it is ok to be who you are, is like a weight being lifted from your shoulders. The subsequent enlightenment can contribute to positive change in everyday life and how you relate to others (IME). Throw your arms in the air, accept the fact that you are a social retard and love yourself for it.

At the end of the day there is nothing wrong with being anti-social. There are a lot of dickheads out there that are difficult to interact with. They are no better or worse. They are just a different clan of dickheads to ours.



Yep. The judicious use of not giving a shit is a worthy tool in the search for self improvement.

Amen.

Emotional detachment along with the practice of Gratitude is, IMO, the key to fully enjoying life without over-indulging.

They didn't really say boring. It's more that i don't generally show excitement like normal people do. You've gotten me thinking though about how i want to be like. I guess i would like to be a more conserved quiet type person. Quiet doesn't neccesarily have to mean boring. But it doesn't quite work well at parties or meetups.



Which brings me to what goes on inside my head. I keep thinking that others can sense my discomfort and i try hard to hide it. There's a lot of uncomfortable silence going on and i have the overwhelming feeling that i am supposed to 'do' something to break the silence. But generally i lose the ability to dig inside my mind and bring up a conversation. My mind just becomes occupied in survival mode rather than relaxing and having fun. Trying to find out what the other person would like to do or talk about is very hard so I just try to utter out the single first sentence that forms in my head. Which is generally shallow and uninteresting, even to me. So for this fear of long silences i have tried to avoid spending more than an hour with other people.



Ya, i think so too. As a guy, the mystery of what goes on inside a girl's mind is endlessly interesting except when you find out your not the only person they are attracted too. And finding out you don't even make it in their top 10 list. That can be rather difficult.

I know the feeling only too well. I sometimes used to try and break the awkward silences with a bit of random noise from my mouth. This would, in turn, make whoever i was with look a bit uncomfortable (atleast to my eyes anyway). I would become more uncomfortable and a chain reaction of neurotic self consciousness would ensue. Maybe when you feel this way with someone you should tell them exactly what you have written above. It sure as shit makes sense to me, so why shouldn"t it make sense to your friends. You will more than likely find common bonds along the way. I love discussing my personality disorders with my friends (and even with some people that i don"t know very well).



This hurts like a Mofo and is sometimes unavoidable. In these cases you have to be just good friends. This can be tough but will serve you well in later life. Women make good long term friends, not only that but they have other female friends. Some of whom might very well have you in their top 10

Play the long game and i am nearly 100% sure that you will develop into a social butterfly. It just may not be the butterfly that you are envisioning for yourself at present. Who the hell wrote the rulebook on being social anyway???

This dangerous blanket advice is given far too often. It is important to learn in which situations it is important to care and in which it just hinders you and/or the rest of the world.

Oi, hug46. Nice to know you can understand me and relate. Most of the times when i try to express this issue it's hard for them to understand.

Not giving a shit works to a certain extent. It certainly builds up self-confidence. Because you no longer rely on other people's social standards to function. Like hug says, who wrote a rulebook on being social anyway? there is no right or wrong standard. And loads of time people like us get caught up in fear of being judged by other people. While all the while we, atleast myself. I yearn for another person to try and understand me. Not judge me.

So to sum it up, i care for other people's opinion. People can have judgements about me. But they shoulden't condemn me for it without trying to understand what makes me the way i am. There's a complicated web of experiences that causes me to behave the way i do. It's unfortunate that other people might dislike it, and i'm more than willing to work on it. But i shoulden't have to feel judged for it. That is basically what it boils down to for me when i stop giving a shit.

I do give a shit, but i will not let it overthrow my point of view.

I did put the word judicious before my not giving a shit statement. Some situations are definitely worth giving a shit about. Someone looking down on you isn"t one of them.

I don't mean this in a rude way but I suggest maybe getting laid! Lol

what you do have to understand is the depth of not caring/not giving a shit

becoming angry , pissed , and frustrated over anything is not the way , not caring is about freedom , freedom for you and freedom for others

when you really don't care , its not about demanding respect or gaining confidence - its about realizing the fact that other monkeys are as troubled as you and giving them space and giving yourself space is the way to go

when you stop caring it does not really mean you're asking for respect or something , it means you look at the sky,trees or animals and realize the inherent beauty within nature is so great that all of humanity looks small

at that point you stop giving a shit about people , not because you're demanding respect or anything , you stop giving a shit because you are free of human-ness and having realized the true awesomeness of the cosmos , there is no place left in you that cares about human values anymore

when beauty pours from everywhere , you'll stop caring about silly humans
and no you don't want there respect , no you don't need anything from them anymore
for having seen the cosmos through the eyes of God , nothing is ever left unchanged



the fact of the matter is you are bored around your friends , not showing excitement is the same as being bored and if that is the case then it is your friends who are really boring you and thus causing you to loose excitement , you're most probably quiet because there is nothing interesting they are talking about or nothing that interests you especially

have you ever been friends with a sparrow /other birds / dogs/cats , do you have a pet

have you realized animals are more fun then people

people are boring to say the least , the way i see it , always busy in some mundane bullshit

atleast the animals have fun and spread joy

truth be told i don't give a shit about humanity , not because i want their respect or something

the simple fact is humanity is uninteresting and boring , because humans and i are so similar it just bores me , so that is why i care only about nature and give a shit only about nature/plants/animals

not giving a shit is really very different from how you understand it at this point

like God does'nt give a shit about humans , however its not because God wants human respect or something , its because God has a lot more exciting things to do then worry about human respect

you need to understand the depth of this before you can truly start not giving a $#!~



once you become a naturelover , and stop giving a shit for the right reasons , you will always know you can talk about nature when with other human beings , the colour of the sky , how plants are doing or the birds chilling outside the window will always give you good things to talk about

the fact is when with other human beings you get so involved in them that you forget about nature and consume yourself with the thought of what to say or not

drop this habit immediately , and become a nature lover
stop giving a shit about human beings
and start loving the universe

this is the path that leads to truly "not giving a $#!~"

I suffered severely from anxiety and depression and I think I can relate. Eventually you just have to stop caring about what others think of you. I still deal with social anxiety but of a different type now. Now its more like that I have gone through some of the mind blowing revelatory experiences with entheogens, most people bore me to death.

Anxiety appears to have as many different causes as there are people.

Things that did NOT help me were counseling, and growing "tough skin"

What did help me was building my confidence through exercise and healthy living, if you feel good you wont care so much about what others think, that is if you are confident and love thyself it matters not who is judging you.

For me the first step in healing my anxiety and depression was admitting I have a problem and then accepting myself for who I was at that moment. I don't believe you can have any positive growth without first accepting yourself fully. Once you begin to be honest about your strengths and weaknesses then you can see where you need to work on yourself.

It is a daily battle imo, everyday can be a small victory or a loss. But if you start making the decisions that are beneficial to your being they will add up, and over time you will evolve into a better person.

I read an article a few years ago that was like a revelation, and has served me quite well in friendly conversation and with women. I always assumed, like you seem to, that a good conversation is when you are being interesting. IT'S NOT! (at least for those who have trouble conversing). It's when the other person, the one you are conversing with, FEELS interesting. Get them talking. Ask questions and let them answer. It's MIRACULOUS. People love to talk about themselves and it is only rare people that like to listen, and even then we all have a limit to our attention spans.

This was a revelation to me: PEOPLE LOVE TO TALK ABOUT THEMSELVES.

So indulge them and take the pressure off yourself at the same time:

"Where are you from?"
"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"where are they?
"what do they do?"
"what do you like to do in your spare time?"
"what gets you up in the morning?"
"do you like this music?"
"what do you think of this place?"
"do I froth the milk or heat it for your coffee tomorrow morning?" (joke )

They sound mundane, but the answers are often very interesting and lead you to things in common, or to stories they want to tell, or at best, to laughter, the ultimate conversation lubricant (and aphrodisiac).

I have always been painfully shy, and squirm in discomfort when a friend walks away leaving me with someone I barely know, or worse, am attracted to - or both - until I remember to just start asking some mundane questions.

And also realize that the other party likely feels nervous, but also has a responsibility to live up to the conversation. So make it easy on them and ask leading questions. You'd be surprised how easy it becomes, and more importantly, how much you have in common with people you have nothing in common with.

Try it.

JBArk

I'm no Casanova, but when it comes to girls I tend to not worry too much with being interesting and instead rely on being quirky. If she vibes with it,excellent! If not... Well she don't dig my style and will now be on my square list.

But the main point is that acting this way keeps me in good spirits. Then I can start weaving in more interesting stuff. Generally though I make pathetically small gestures with my hands and swing my arm lots. Its probably a nervous twitch deep down but it helps to harness it into something warm and positive. My expression constantly changes too.

Obviously that's just me. I've analysed how I move when I'm at my most comfortable based on my personality and now I've figured these movements make me comfortable.

Study your movements in comfortable situations. The link between physical and psychological are quite strong IME.

I find that strange.....you may feel misery as part of your daily routine, nothing wrong with that, but it is rather bold to assume most people also experience misery daily, isn't it? I am going to make the similarly bold assumption that misery is the exception, not the rule in daily life.

There are parts of the world where each of you is right. However, I tend to agree with 112233. Misery and miserable are very strong words. To assume everyone around you is mired in misery is to have lost hope. Sometimes I feel that way, so I know where you are coming from obliguhl, but when I come out of it I realize I was merely projecting.

To say everyone is struggling, however, rings truer to me. It just that not everyone suffers through struggle. Many thrive.

JBArk

Take into account the whole taking clothes off and aftercigarette which means i'll have to spend more than an hour with another person to get laid. sounds waay too hard. too many unknown variables

Well there's variables with everything in life man but you gotta take a chance! You just gotta not stress over it, if she doesn't want to then on to the next one. Imagine it this way if you try to get with enough girls one of them is bound to say yes. You just gotta go for it also if you smoke cigarettes you should quit because those give people tons of anxiety. I know I used to be a smoker. I believe in you brotha