Hello all,

I was once a member here a few years ago but forgot my user/pass and it was linked to TorMail.... so here is my re-introduction. I know some people prefer to be less candid (using SWIM's and whatnot) but I am very cautious and feel my identity is protected. I don't feel any of my story violates the policy here but please point it out if I did.

TLDR in advance; I suppose this is a request for re-membership as I have recently heard the calling. It has been nearly a year since I was seriously experimenting with psychedelics. As well, I feel I can actually contribute something to the community now instead of just absorbing.

Here is my story: I started dabbling with psychedelics in my still-rebellious and exploratory early college years. At first, at least in my conscious mind, I was looking to have a good time and party. I got into the EDM and festival scenes. I started taking a lot of different substances, but always making sure I did some research before-hand. Looking back I can see there were a lot of subconscious factors, but mainly: rebellion against the law and societal norms (I've always been a part of counter-culture in various forms), exploring and trying new things, and trying to 'feel good'. In my third semester of college I introduced two of my close college friends, we'll call them Justin and Kevin, to psychedelics. I was in a really dark place emotionally and spiritually then: I was a drug dealer, I hated myself, and I was convinced there was no purpose to my life and I was better off dead. I smoked cigarettes constantly in hopes of getting cancer and dying without needing suicide. At one point I was convinced the only thing that mattered was money. You get the point.

Then, about halfway through the semester, I lost my best friend to suicide. I had known him for 15 of my 20 years on earth. I think the best term for our relationship was non-romantic companionship. He was someone whose life I valued higher than my own, which wasn't much then but you get the point. I just assumed he and I would be lifelong friends, and obviously enough losing him was very detrimental to my emotional well being. Its a wound I am still working on healing.

After I lost him was when I really started experimenting with psychedelics. I think at first I was just trying to not be sad. It took me a long time to learn what that meant; the difference between euphoria and fulfillment/satisfaction. At first I was smoking a lot of cannabis and drinking heavily and just taking psychedelics when I could get them. It was a very dark period of my life but also one of the most valuable. I really took a step back, started evaluating my life, and being honest with myself.

This is where Justin and Kevin came in. We would take LSD and have discussions which were always very deep and sometimes life changing. Justin became very serious about using psychedelics for spiritual exploration, guidance, and healing. That was when he found this site and introduced me to it, about 2 and a half years ago now.

I guess from there on it was a lot of learning and experimentation in various settings with mescaline, DMT, LSD, and RC's. Justin was always there, leading us, and spreading love and knowledge. He saw himself as a shaman of sorts. I also experimented with other people and continued to use a few substances for the wrong purposes. However, I always relished the time spent with Justin. We provided each other a friendly and honest place to seriously discuss all natures of things. Sometimes things got weird, but we always worked it out in the end. Towards the last year of us hanging out we mainly were exploring with mescaline and DMT. Hustin would always provide for Kevin and I, and sometimes I contributed financially for materials. He was the one putting all the time and effort in though. I never had the financial means or place to produce them of my own accord, until recently. Justin moved across the country before my 4th year of college and provided me the equipment, resources, and experience to produce mescaline of decent purity.

Once I started living with some close friends I was able to help a small group of them learn the warmth and light that is mescaline. I never became comfortable with DMT. I never felt the environment or time was right. Also, I'm not sure these friends were ready for it. One or two maybe, but not the whole group. Justin and I always agreed that the purpose of sharing these substances was never for personal gain, but rather to help others explore and learn. I also did not have much time to put into these endeavors as I was paying the price for doing awful in school my first 3 semesters. Also, I was spending more of my free time partying knowing that college was almost over and that type of behavior probably would not be acceptable anymore. The ol' 'get it out of your system' tactic.

Now I have a job, my own place, and the time and resources to start exploring again. I have been hearing the calling but now I have no one to guide me. It's time to learn, explore, and be my own guide. I also would like to seek guidance from the community on previous experiences which I never fully integrated. On top of that, I met someone with a very interesting connection to ayahausca who has expressed interest in drinking with me. He recommends experiencing with a shaman or at least some type of spiritual guide, but I am not sure I could trust a shaman just yet. Lastly, I would also like to help provide Justin the means to start exploring again as he no longer has access.

I feel like I can contribute to the site in the areas of analytical analysis and also in experience. I am a trained chemist and have access to various forms of analytical equipment. I'm not sure if there are other Nexians in similar situations as I have been but I would hope that if there are I can provide some insight. I'm young but feel I have some wisdom I could share where warranted.

Peace and love.