Hey All, I'll try to write efficiently and keep this as short as possible.

Basically, I find myself at an existential crossroads. I have been on what might be described as a the "seekers quest" for the past couple years, beginning with a traumatic event that basically shattered my ego, but not all the way. Something held on through the torment of that, and came back severly wounded. Since then, I have been trying to get to the bottom of it, DMT included, in an attempt to discover the truth of that moment, and the truth of myself. Many times, what comes up, but never seems to be accepted by my ego, is a thread of sexuality, namely homosexuality. I currently classify myself as straight, having had several successful, loving heterosexual relationships. However, synchronicities keep pointing in the direction of homosexuality, leaving me wondering how deeply it is possible to repress something, along with the curious ability my ego seems to have for rationalization. However, it just seems so rational. I stopped tripping about a year ago in the name of not going psychotic, and have adopted more gentle means for my self-discovery, until I can sort this thing out. however, that gentle means has led me to embark on a solo journey thousands of miles from home, with nothing but my confused heart and striving intellect. Not surprisingly, I find myself in the archetypal postion of being at a complete loss, neither comfortable with my past image, nor able to shed it and move to the next stage. Joseph Campbell talks of going into the darkness, and the black moment being the one of redemption. Jung speaks of similar alchemical transitions as well. These have been my bible and my comfort in these times of great confusion and great distress. Right now, I kind of feel like I am tripping, floating slightly, and I don't know honestly what is going to happen. I don't want to go psychotic in a place where no one speaks english, and who knows what else they do with the crazies here. However, for all intents and purposes, I am indeed descending into some type of craziness. I have been wandering the street of this massive city talking to myself and chain smoking cigarettes. I feel like I'm in deep, and some advice would be so greatly appreciated at this time. I have seen people go into a psychosis and it's not pretty. Any suggestions on how to ride this out/how to move through whatever contents arise, if there can be such things, would be a prayer answered... Perhaps it is just my time to take that ride, for better or worse. Blessings all

I am no psychologist, so no professional advice here. I only wanted to leave my first instinctive reaction after reading your post.

I have the feeling that what you are struggling with is acceptance. You have come across unexpected insights about yourself, and defeating the resistance that ensues always takes work. But in my experience, facing any deep personal change (or findings about one self) does not involve a full metamorphosis. It's not that you have to burn everything and start from scratch. Something pretty close to that might happen through psychedelics, yes. Or through other introspection means. But long processes like the one you describe are unlikely to result in a sudden, complete transformation after waking up one morning. You have found new things about yourself, you are still finding them, and the job is integrating them.

Take sexual identity, for instance. It's not black and white. It's not pure heterosexuality or homosexuality. All of us, whether we acknowledge it or not, visit both one time or another. And that tendency can change, and manifest in different ways in different moments through life. I myself find ultra cool bisexuality. I like women, but I would like to have the experience of sex with a man if I was attracted to one. And if that happened, of course I would be puzzled and confused at first. But I would need to realize that being attracted to a man does not imply becoming 100% and solely homosexual. Nor it does mean that my past sexual life has been a lie. We change. All the time, all the way.

Point is, discovering and integrating new aspects of ourselves takes work. And it can be scary, because we need identity. It's what keeps our world together. But you won't lose yours. I think you are just rediscovering it, walking around, trying to stretch and get comfy inside of it, because you are not yet sure about the extent of the implications in the new traits you have discovered. It's like a paradigm shift. The world does not change, our way to look at it does.

Best of luck in your quest, my friend.

I concur with that... You may simply be bisexual, capable of a happy relationship with either gender. I think that most humans are closer to the center of the sexuality spectrum than at either extreme end, but because there is so much stigma against gays in our world, most bisexuals simply choose the straight path, which is easier- provided you are satisfied with that.

You might just need to bite the bullet and have a date with a man. See how it goes. Could be awesome, might answer a lot of questions.

... But maybe not in a foreign country, where there is so much uncertainty about where you stand in general.

I've read other posts from seekers who went to the far ends of the world to wander around in saffron robes and hope for that epiphany. Mostly, what they seem to get out of the experience is the discovery that they won't find answers externally.

Good luck; be strong! You are surrounded by more love than you realize.

Thank you both so much for your replies! That's pretty much exactly what I needed to hear right now. ^I think you might be right about that, and as I am traveling already, may as well break as many patterns as possible and get down to it...I keep forgetting to remember my sense of humor in all of it, although easier said then done. Thanks again.

Yeah, humor! It's a lot easier to experiment with your self-image and identity if you don't take yourself too seriously- if you can laugh at yourself and the absurdity of the whole life situation, you have less to defend, less to prove, less to lose...

Hi mate, if you're still looking at dmt-nexus forums i'm going to suggest to you another idea. What if the homosexual feelings, is the the connection to your more feminine side. Some men are more connected to their feminine side than others, i for one, am that... It makes me recognise when a male can be attractive or not, i have more comfort in releasing my emotions and i am just in touch with a more femininity in my life. What i realise, is psychedelics which analyse your ego, can really make you misinterpret things. I could interpret my femininity as homosexualty or the feeling the need to be a women, and yes, i have those thoughts sometimes when i have a psychedelic experience. But i've found it tends to be a result of my own repressive thoughts of sexual behaviour, tied in with my natural femininity.

Good luck, if you see this, let me know how you've progressed in the last year, i'd love to hear how you are Much love

Honestly I think there's some truth to be had in the idea that the sexual energy and the expression of love are somehow intrinsically linked on some level.

That said, I don't think homosexuality is really something you should "fight" with, simple understanding should be enough; sexual energy can express itself (as is clear by looking at society on the whole) in a whole ton of different ways, and when it comes to relation to men or women, ultimately we have the freedom of both. Now, I think the more natural thing to do, natural to the extent that it's the opportunity accomodated by nature; is the application of sex between opposite sexes, because as opposites we complement each other and through opposites the relation is generally more alive. Again, not telling you what to do or not to do, but I think the homosexual curiosity is in a way natural; feel free to consciously consider both and see the relative value in both... or, in other words, meditate on both. Sexual energy is one, the expression of it will depend entirely on you and your decisions in life, but I don't think that homosexuality is to be condemned in any way, nor should the idea be self-condemned by you in your mind (i'm not suggesting indulgence either, I'm suggesting simple understanding).

Personally I'm heterosexual, but I have no problem whatsoever if anyone chooses to express themselves homosexually... you just have to draw a fine line somewhere within yourself; I have plenty of gay friends but we relate on the same level that I would relate to any other friend, their expression is their own freedom and they're people just like everybody else.

Also I think it would serve you well to look back into yourself and trace your sexual expressions/desires, everything related to it as far back to your childhood as memory allows, would help you see the whole picture more clearly, it's intended purpose as well as its utility.Hope that helped some.

As for your psychosis, I think a little relaxation and meditative insight would clear up a lot of your problems, just seems like a transitory state of mind as mentioned where you find yourself

http://alexgrey.com/art/...ings/soul/contemplation/

Totally forgot about this thread. Thanks for the kind word friends.

I'm much better now than when I wrote this. I think this is due to the fact that I have committed to my path, a path, whatever it is and so I have accepted the challenges that come along with becoming more aware of myself and the world.

Before, I was still stuck in external opinions and judgements from others. At this point, I think I have put a good part of that drive behind me, or at least acknowledged it and taken away some of its unconscious force. I think that was really the problem to begin with, actually. Any fear of sexuality is really a fear about fitting in.

Again, thank you all for your honest words. I really appreciate it.

Archetype is the context and perhaps the main aim of exploring consciousness levels. Yet the last posts on Nexus about archetypes encountered, seem to be from seven years ago.
The Art gallery has images expressing types, and a few complex artworks of eleven characters or more that express the full cycle of archetype, with eyes of characters on the eternal axial grid. For example artworks by Eugenia Loli, Blue Lunar Night, Alex Gray, and Nils.
I have posted examples of archetypal analysis of artworks in many styles, including DMT style, and ayahuasca style, on www.mindprintart.wordpress.com
I want to demonstrate that all artists, of all cultures, of all eras, express the same archetypal character features, with the same spatial structure, in slightly different styles. Thus to demonstrate that there is only one culture, and one shared consciousness.
I want to post some new examples of archetype in art and in built sites, such as pyramid fields, temple campuses, villages, and cities, on Nexus, ideally in the Art gallery. Where should I post, or email the images and texts?