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Does anything really matter at all? Options
 
Bob Dylan
#21 Posted : 11/17/2013 5:16:53 PM

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thats the most wonderful advice i have heard hug. it really is advice that i couldve never imagined....
 

Good quality Syrian rue (Peganum harmala) for an incredible price!
 
Bob Dylan
#22 Posted : 11/17/2013 5:21:51 PM

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im hoping one day i just wake up and feel good. but i dont know how. I need to love myself and i say to myself "i love you" but it doesnt have meaning.
 
hug46
#23 Posted : 11/17/2013 5:28:53 PM

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mjfstyle1 wrote:
thats the most wonderful advice i have heard hug. it really is advice that i couldve never imagined....


I am very glad that you feel that way. I also think the tree in your mushroom trip telling you that nothing matters is sage advice.
I might get a bit of flack for saying this but i think that all this self loving and becoming a good person malarkey is over rated. Coming to this conclusion has definitely helped me to become a better person.
 
PocketLady
#24 Posted : 11/17/2013 5:46:23 PM
Believe those who seek. Doubt those who find.


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mjfstyle1 wrote:
im hoping one day i just wake up and feel good. but i dont know how. I need to love myself and i say to myself "i love you" but it doesnt have meaning.


Fake it til you make it. Seriously. Speaking from experience, a lifetime of negative self-talk is not going to be overcome by telling yourself you love yourself a couple of times, but do it often enough and you will start to believe it.

Have you ever learnt to meditate? Meditation can teach you to observe your thoughts, rather than becoming absorbed by them. Once I got into the habit of observing my thoughts rather than becoming them I started to realise how much pointless negative shit I tell myself all the time. Once you start to see that it really is pointless and imaginary life starts to become a whole lot more positive.
 
Bob Dylan
#25 Posted : 11/17/2013 7:18:36 PM

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I havent learnt to meditate.
 
Pixar
#26 Posted : 11/17/2013 8:52:14 PM

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Seems like you are trying to indoctrinate yourself into believing in nihilism, which in itself is paradoxical. Face you negative emotions, don't try to inhibit them. Has a wise man ones said ( Pleased ), doing so will only make them come harder at you in the future: it's like pressure building up.

Try to understand them, question them.

I'll let you make your own questions, if you decide to, since i'm not in your mind. Consciously acknowledging things in life can never make it worse...In the end you can be proud of yourself for having the courage to face your dark side, and we all have one, most people just prefer to live in denial. Your not living your life of you live it in denial imo..

Seems like your gut feeling is not to do so. Always go with the flow of the GUTS. Shit all that negative out of you.

Much love
 
Enoon
#27 Posted : 11/17/2013 9:28:19 PM

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part of you seems to want to feel... better. If not, you would not have made this thread. Part of you at least seems to care and is not neutral about your current state.

If this part of you wants something better for you, it must at least like you. Perhaps it even loves you.

Try to listen to it. Try to make yourself aware of the fact that you.want.to.feel.better. Become this will and base your actions upon it. All of them. From the way you get out of bed to the things you eat to how you speak to your friends etc.

Also, forgive yourself for feeling bad, for making yourself suffer or allowing yourself to suffer. Forgive yourself for hating or for being blind to the love that exists within you.

Loneliness is hard, but it does not exclude you from the immense beauty that is the world. And just like everything in this world, it too is transient. It will change into something else. And so will you.
Buon viso a cattivo gioco!
---
The Open Hyperspace Traveler Handbook - A handbook for the safe and responsible use of entheogens.
---
mushroom-grow-help ::: energy conserving caapi extraction
 
Bob Dylan
#28 Posted : 11/17/2013 11:34:12 PM

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you are all flipping awesome. thank you. and you are right enoon. if nowhere within myself did i have a part of me that liked me for me i would not have gone searching for answers on how to feel better. i at least sub consciencely like me.so thats good
 
spinCycle
#29 Posted : 11/18/2013 12:51:47 AM

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There are people who are truly awful but do not have the capacity to realize that about themselves. We call them sociopaths. The simple fact that there is a part of you that can be critical of other parts of you means you are not one of those.

If we are here for any reason at all, it is to learn. I suggest you find one thing you do not like about yourself and make a decision to fix it. Find some lack and learn to correct it. Something small... a skill, an attitude, etc... think about it, figure it out and do it.

The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable. So you've already completed step one. Thumbs up No one else can do it for you. That's just the way it is.
Images of broken light,
Which dance before me like a million eyes,
They call me on and on...

 
Nathanial.Dread
#30 Posted : 11/18/2013 1:15:10 AM

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One of the dangers of psychedelics that I wish people spoke out about more is the "negative" revelatory experience -- developing a conviction that is somehow negative or impacts your life in a negative way.

It sounds to me like you are seriously depressed, and as a fellow depression sufferer, the first thing I will always recommend is going to see a professional therapist. You may not like it, you may not click, in which case, you can always drop out, but you have to try.

Sine it was a psychedelic that prompted this most recent spell into nihilism, I would shy away from things like psilocybin or ayahuasca, at least for the time being.

In the mean time, try and find a hobby that gets you out in the world, interacting with people. A great one for me is a local circus studio, where I can go practice acrobatics and hang out with a fun crowd of supportive individuals.

I guarantee that there is something there that might help you -- a yoga or meditation group, a spiritual community (even the dreaded "church,"Pleased, or some kind of arts collective.

Good luck and I hope everything goes well
~ND
"There are many paths up the same mountain."

 
Bob Dylan
#31 Posted : 11/18/2013 1:18:40 AM

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I need to edit my original post. its not caused by the trip. its caused by my lack of self confidence and my plethora of self dislike. all the tree did was show me the beauty.
 
brokenChild
#32 Posted : 11/18/2013 1:24:01 AM

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The following may not help all, but it may help some;

it's important to understand what depression actually is. There are two basic expressions of the same issue that keeps someone from fully enjoying their life, one is being psychologically stuck in the past, some traumatic event or encounter, which keeps the conscious mind looping around that past trauma because the event wasn't properly integrated into conscious response. The opposing reaction of basically the same function, or the same expression just placed in a different direction, is anxiety. Anxiety is the desire, or conscious energy moving into the future... so in the cases of guys running a cycle of orals, while dreaming about future cycles and not paying attention to the cycle they are in, will create a sense of anxiety. The anxiety is created out of this tension of the present moment, and the desire to do something different in the future which you are not doing in the present; or basically put the desire to be what you are not in the present; the tension between that what you are (whatever it is you are doing and the state that you are in, in this present moment) and the desire to become something different than what you already are (so, the desire to run a different oral cycle for example, somewhere in the future, that you are not currently running) creates a split; this split is between being, and becoming. What you are, and what you want to be... this split creates anxiety.

So, depression is the psychological hang-up in the past somewhere, and because you keep dragging the past into the present, it keeps spoiling your enjoyment of the present moment, because your consciousness is stuck in trying to integrate the past experience properly, so cannot enjoy the present without resolving the issues from the past. Anxiety is the desire to be somewhere in the future doing something else that is different from what you are doing in the present moment; or the desire to be something different somewhere in the future than what you already are in the present; the split between being and becoming creates anxiety.

And don't worry about the future, the future always takes care of itself, all you have to ever really do is just fix the past issues, and be fully conscious in the present moment, in whatsoever you're doing, and put your total energy into doing that, or being in the present. The future always comes, but you're only ever given one moment at a time, and the future always comes as the present.... so, when tomorrow comes, for you it will be "now" when it arrives to you, so in a way there really never is a "tomorrow", it's just a figure of speech, or a reference. All you can ever really do can only be done in the present moment that you're in, you can't ever jump ahead into the future, you can only be present, and let it arrive, while you presently do whatever it is that you're doing; in other words, just be.

Also, as a side note, Anger and fear are just energies (so is any other emotional response). If you can be conscious in your anger, and you can be conscious in your fear, instead of running away from it, consciously confront it, you can use that energy to consciously respond to and deal with the situation at hand, all it takes is just practice and awareness, and proper understanding.

Now let's take a deeper look at the psychological hangup function which creates a state of depression, and see how we can safely and effectively dismantle that;

There are two ways you can be related to your biomemory. One, is factual recall, so you can tell me about the first time you ever drove a car, or tried ice cream, or ate strawberries, or a whole host of other things, if I were to inquire. That recall is available to you, and it's just factual information stored in memory.

Another way you can relate to your biomemory is the psychological hang-up. The emotional attachment, or unfulfillment, of some situation or aspect. The difference between the two needs to be clearly understood. This second type of hang-up is psychological attachment to the factual memory, and the reason there is psychological attachment to it is because the experience itself never grew into full fulfillment, so it's fragmented, and it basically begs for completion. That's why it's somewhat problematic. It will keep "repeating" itself in your conscious mind constantly, untill fulfilled, or satisfied, and therein lies the attachment. The regular memory is not stored in your "conscious space" so-to-speak, your daily waking consciousness, but it's always available for conscious recall (because if we always had every memory in our direct and present consciousness, then life would be a bit chaotic, all those memories and ideas all at once)

So it boils down to the memories in your conscious space, the ones that keep repeating themselves through thought, so-to-speak. Obviously you can't fulfill a past event, because the past is gone, and life is always in the present. So you would have to detach yourself from that memory, just take your focus away from it, and it will go dormant

There's also ways to complete psychological hangups through meditative awareness, by mentally re-living the idea to completion in the mind's eye, however you wanted it completed, and that would take it from being a psychological hang-up, to being just a memory available for recall, so it psychologically detaches you from it and takes it out of your conscious space... and then you can live that idea (not that very same specific action, because that was in the past, but that same idea under some other present-moment specifics) out to fulfillment in another present moment totally, whenever you're ready.

Think of it like a heart-break, or just a relationship gone bad with some girl... If you broke up over some mistake, whether done by you or her, but you really loved her, you would have that hang up... so your love never really came to a full natural peak that it was intended to, so it hangs around. Obviously you can't re-live that moment, because she's no longer interested and circumstances are different, but you can "mentally" re-live it, free yourself from the memory, and then actually live that natural completion with another woman in actual life, if that makes sense... so you free yourself from the past to make yourself totally available to the present.

The same idea applies to a traumatic event. If you consciously revisit it in the mind's eye, and "re-live" it in a way, mentally, however you wanted it completed, so you can learn from it, "complete" it consciously if you have some hang-ups over how it turned out (can mentally re-structure it however you wanted it to turn out) then you can consciously detach your "thought" energy from it and make yourself fully available to the present moment again.

Keep in mind the memories do take some time to consciously dig up, it may take a few months before one can consciously recall all of the details surrounding a certain event and properly integrate it into conscious experience, and "let it go" so-to-speak

But you can't destroy something in memory, it will continue to exist as an idea, available for recall, but it won't "haunt" you anymore if you understand me rightly

In some cases it can also be beneficial to do so with a trained and qualified psychotherapist, but not always necessary, a lot of these things can be managed by yourself but would just take time to fully revisit and mentally "re-structure" to free yourself from the psychological hangup.

Once you've freed yourself from your past entirely, then you are consciously open to the present moment. The past will simply be available for memory recall if needed. Now, to free yourself from anxiety, one would simply have to not jump ahead of oneself into the future. So, basically put, focus on the task at hand in the present, and accept yourself totally in the condition that you are in, don't "try" to be something different than what you already are, and it won't create any tension. Anything that can be done, can only ever be done with the present condition that you are in.

So, the idea here being that there's no need to jump ahead of oneself and try to be something different, the only proper approach is to accept oneself as one is, and work to improve the presently-existing situation (for example, if you're angry, don't try to create a desire for being non-angry, because this tension between your actual state, and the desire to be the opposite of that state, will still create tension. Instead, accept your anger, and be conscious of the anger, don't try to be "not angry", instead try to understand where the anger stems from. If you can be conscious in your anger, then the same energy that goes towards anger, can then be used consciously; it's just an emotional response, but there is great energy in it.

If you get angry without being conscious of it, you can create all kinds of unfavorable conditions for yourself by reacting out of that anger, unconsciously. But, if you can be conscious in your anger, you can consciously use that energy, and respond to the situation with full awareness properly, as it necessitates. Only practice and understanding through trial and error will give you that total control... which will come over time. Just be conscious of whatsoever condition you're in and respond out of that awareness, that's all... eventually that awareness and understanding will grow and deepen, and you'll see your anger becoming less and less of an issue.) The same thing works for every other emotion.

Don't try to create the opposite against the emotion that is, or you'll create a tension within yourself; instead just accept what is, and be conscious in it, and you'll see it transforms into it's opposing function over time, the same energy will eventually go less and less towards anger, and more and more towards conscious understanding in the situation; it won't be reactive, it will be purely available for your own conscious action, not reaction.

If there's ever something that you want to get done, or accomplished, always start now. There is no other time, and no better time.
Just don't be in a hurry, because in a hurry you miss details, and make mistakes, so hurry (and worry) take more time. Self-composed, immediate action, but not hurried


For more helpful links;

http://www.oshonews.com/...g-with-painful-memories/

and

http://www.hara-awarenes.../dynamic-meditation.html


 
Bob Dylan
#33 Posted : 11/18/2013 1:34:02 AM

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the psychological hang-up. is where im at
 
brokenChild
#34 Posted : 11/18/2013 1:50:18 AM

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All of that info, along with 2 months worth of carefully dosed ayahuasca sessions, cleared my entire depression pot completely, and I had all kinds of problems Smile

Soo if it's possible for me, it's possible for you. Just gotta be smart about it, understanding and insight should be the fundamental stepping stones for the conscious light
 
Bob Dylan
#35 Posted : 11/18/2013 2:01:52 AM

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can you pm me about your sessions
 
0neir0naut
#36 Posted : 11/18/2013 2:07:00 AM

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brokenChild wrote:
The opposing reaction of basically the same function, or the same expression just placed in a different direction, is anxiety. Anxiety is the desire, or conscious energy moving into the future... so in the cases of guys running a cycle of orals, while dreaming about future cycles and not paying attention to the cycle they are in, will create a sense of anxiety. The anxiety is created out of this tension of the present moment, and the desire to do something different in the future which you are not doing in the present; or basically put the desire to be what you are not in the present; the tension between that what you are (whatever it is you are doing and the state that you are in, in this present moment) and the desire to become something different than what you already are (so, the desire to run a different oral cycle for example, somewhere in the future, that you are not currently running) creates a split; this split is between being, and becoming. What you are, and what you want to be... this split creates anxiety.

As someone who has had a lot of anxiety in their life, I can vouch for this. The knowledge that anxiety is created from not accepting the present has been very liberating for me. But I still have a lot to learn.

Don't we all? Big grin
We are the local embodiment of a Cosmos grown to self-awareness. We have begun to contemplate our origins: starstuff pondering the stars; organized assemblages of ten billion billion billion atoms considering the evolution of atoms; tracing the long journey by which, here at least, consciousness arose. Our loyalties are to the species and the planet. We speak for Earth. Our obligation to survive is owed not just to ourselves but also to that Cosmos, ancient and vast, from which we spring.
Carl Sagan, Cosmos
 
Bob Dylan
#37 Posted : 11/18/2013 2:08:33 AM

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i dont feel anxious. but that knowledge is a good tool
 
Bob Dylan
#38 Posted : 11/18/2013 2:10:56 AM

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i guess i need to accept the fact that right now i have no self confidence and noone has wanted me but thats ok. thank you all
 
brokenChild
#39 Posted : 11/18/2013 2:15:48 AM

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I want you, because without you the world would be lacking a certain something. The only problem here is that you have never figured out what that certain something is, you've never discovered yourself and your fullest potential.

That said, it's called selfconfidence. My confidence in you won't mean anything untill you discover the confidence within yourself. But then you won't need my confidence in you either, because you'll have your own Smile

Same basic idea applies to love brother, it's not that I don't love you as a fellow human being, it's that YOU don't love you. And when you find love for yourself, you'll find love for everybody else, and you won't feel like you're poor. And you won't need anyone else's love for that matter either. Of course, you will be able to share it, and it will grow on its own accord; you can't not. But, it won't be a begging, it'll be an overflowing sharing from your very own source, all you have to do is figure out the energy blocks that are keeping it from bubbling up. It's already there, inside you, you just need to uncover it
 
Bob Dylan
#40 Posted : 11/18/2013 3:06:29 AM

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thank you brokenchild and everyone else. great things have been said. and i have much more to think about than i did at the beginning of this day. much love to you all.
 
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