Over the past few years i have somehow come to the conclusion that nothing matters at all. I do not care if i do anything or dont do anything because of what i saw in a trip. it is so stuck that it brings me a peaceful insanity. I was always depressed and afraid to live life before that. but now i am just completely neutral about my depression and lack of living a more fun life even though i have programmed my head to block emotions. I know what i want but i am too neutral and afraid to better my life. i need someones advice. or a book to read or something. i am just ****** in the head. and scared that i will always be pushing sadness back inside.

this is the worst place to ask this. but this just seems to be a place filled with nice and kind hearted people

"you can't be real unless you feel"

^^words of wisdom at the bottom of a beer cap that I found, they should serve you well

It kind of sounds like you're repressing sadness by means of apathy/nihilism.

I'm not saying you should dive into feeling bad, but there is something to be gained from negative emotion (for instance, something to contrast positive emotion with, what is white without black?) and accepting it. Life should be a balance of feeling good and bad, not feeling anything is not really a solution (and it seems you are able to see this).

I'm sorry I can't give any more concrete tips and I hope I was not totally off in what I suggested.

Love and a great journey,
MAO

P.S. The answer is yes, btw, everything matters. And remember your life is WHOLLY yours to shape. If you take your life into your hands and say you will make a change and believe it, it will happen.

not feeling anything is definitely not a solution. but it definitely feels better than feeling like crap. all the time. which is where i am at. i cant think of a reason to live and i cant think of a reason to die. and yes i know all my answers but somehow i am mentally blocking myself from opening myself up to the world. the problem is not that i am not able to feel bad. it is that i feel good when i feel like crap and when sometihng is enjoyable it literally hurts my soul to the core like i am about to start crying. and i cant blame it on a trip. the trip only opened my eyes. How can it feel good when it feels like crap? this all stems from my complete and utter lack of self courage. i am unable to enjoy life and i came here searching for answers when i just need to look inside me. thank you

The way I see it, you create purpose in your own life, based on whatever makes you tick. I can't provide any evidence for intrinsic meaning or value in anything I know about the universe. This can either trap you in a cage of pointlessness or set your soul free.

my problem is that i dont love myself and i have no self confidence at all. i just dont know how to fix these two very important problems of mine. i have driven myself to a peaceful neutrality.

self love and self respect, and maybe a little ayahuasca and some alex grey artwork

http://alexgrey.com/art/

Not loving yourself is a great source of suffering. It is also a looping type of suffering, as when you are sad, you need self-compassion - not self-hatred. Self-hatred holds onto suffering as if it were its best friend. I say concentrate on this knowledge. Knowing that you do not love yourself is an important first step, and I am proud of you for acknowledging this. You do not self pity, you realise suffering stems from your self hatred. The good news is that self hatred melts alway with self love. If you would like further reading, try researching 'Metta' which is the practice of loving kindness in Buddhist tradition. The interesting think about Metta is that monks who embark on learning it are always told to focus on self compassion and kindness first. You cannot love outwardly unless you love inwardly.

Here's an interesting question to engage yourself with the idea of self-love. If your personality/ego was your friend, would you want them in your life? Are they truly being a friend? This is really emotional to confront. Expect great sadness, expect great loneliness, expect great love.

This is just my personal opinion, obviously. It is only you who knows where truly to begin. But as you mentioned it so plainly, 'i don't love myself' I would say you realise that your suffering is attached to not loving yourself. Start there.

Maybe tell us more about the trip that made you feel this way.. We all have our part to play in this expansive multiverse and if you are at peace as you say thats cool it gives you a base to work from.
Sometimes you have to go and find out why life is complex interesting and full of possibilities. You ARE the master of your own destiny and every human deserves to feel happy its our default state. You should give yourself a break you matter and sometimes you never know how much but you are unique go and find your happy place on the planet, do light hearted things dont smoke weed or drink or take drugs, solitude among nature has centred me before away from the concrete jungle and demands of modern society.
Ive also felt the 'pain' you feel with enjoyment I put it down to the contrast of emotions at the time and the feeling that the cloud would return tenfold but you can never know so enjoy enjoyment!
What drug did you take go and see a Doctor you may have caused a chemical depression.

when i said this was "caused by a trip" that was the wrong thing to say. it was a half ounce mushroom trip where a tree opened its eyes to me and showed me the circle of life within. I had asked the tree to show me how to be happy. he opened his eyes and i fell inside into an endless circle of life and death until i completeld the circle and fell back out through his eyes. the tree did not do this to me. he showed me why i need to be happy, because nothing really matters. All of my problems in life come from me not being able to accomplish the answers to my problems. i dont love me therefore i dont love anything. because i am one with it all, as we all are. I cant even begin to comprehend how to begin loving myself as a whole. I dont just not love myself, i feel like i hate myself. and the "peaceful neutrality" is not very peaceful. its more a nonstop sadness that i am used to shoving back inside nowadays. so its just a sadness that i have kind of numbed. the pain is there, i have only numbed it. i realize noone can tell me how to love me but for some reason i keep searching for other peoples answers. the answers i need are inside of me but i struggle immensely to find them.

Well, simple; You just need to understand why you feel like you hate yourself in the first place.

Hate and love are not entirely two, at root bottom everything is an expression of the same energy on various levels. So, it stands to reason, that if you go through hate, you reach love; they are just two poles of one energy.

If you deny the expression of one, you close off the possibility of the other. So, the trick then is understanding why your energy is tied into self hate... there must be aspects of yourself which you are rejecting. Acceptance and understanding is the only true form of inner transformation

I always tell me i hate myself because noone has ever wanted me. not sure if thats the real reason

have YOU ever wanted you? if YOU have never wanted you, how do you expect anyone else to ever want you? You've never accepted yourself just the way you are, probably because everyone else has been telling you your whole life to be something different, something other than just the way you are. The truth of the matter tho, is that everyone is beautiful just the way they are... we're all intrinsically unique and different conscious expressions. Out of these differences we can inter-relate, and learn from one another

Everyone has their own special gift to offer to existence, just the way they are. You should figure out what your special gift is, what your intrinsic interiority has to offer, and share that... and it will grow

Hence the words of wisdom on the DMT Nexus banner, which I've learned to love;

Learn, Share, Expand

I should have started the post with "i dont want me, noone else wants me, and thats why im depressed as heck and hate myself. and i dont know how to love myself. "

No, you should have just started off with

because that's the basic truth. Dig deep enough into that hole, and you'll reach and endless well of that which you seek

even though i still am in the same spot as i have been all along. ill find my way out eventually. or die and turn into a bufo alvarious toad

your consciousness is negative, maybe this will help;

http://www.lifetrainings...is-running-you-life.html

i am 100% negative because i dont know how to be happy. thank you for helping me re reach the solution which is me not loving myself.

I think that the moral and material expectations that are put on us in order to be good, worthwhile and lovable people can be pretty unrealistic at times and these can lead us up the wrong garden path every once in a while as we try and navigate the stormy waters of contentment.

Maybe you need to hate yourself but love the fact that you hate yourself. At least that way you get a bit of love coming into the mix. And move on from there.